rain.water
Greenlighter
I have been a Bluelight poster/lurker for years now, used to post some in Word under Vocab ten years back. Recently I've found myself back here often. It is hard for me to look back over the past ten years without some regret. I was strung out back then and felt hopeless and not much has changed in that regard. Now I am a father and husband, biology student, still writing, still using opiates sporadically.
A brief incomplete history:
Used my first opiate at age 13 and felt comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. By the time I hit my mid twenties I was good and fucked, continued to use for another four years. Lots of misery during those years, friends lost, self respect obliterated. Finally I checked myself into a hospital in 99', had open heart surgery to correct a condition caused by a blood infection which was a direct result of careless iv heroin use. Spent countless months in rehabs, years of meetings, yoga, meditation, substituting marijuana for H, then pills, rediscovered the value of psychedelics, rediscovered that thing that allows me to love myself and others and then lost it all again and again. Every time I managed to shape some semblance of a meaningful life I throw it away in the face of some pills. That is my cycle.
That is where I have lived for ten plus years now. Building myself up and tearing myself back down. I am tired in my soul in much the same way I was tired back in 99 when I surrendered in that hospital bed, but now I have a family, a little girl who looks at me like I am the greatest thing in her world. She is two and a half and suddenly aware enough to recognize when something with me is not quite right. My wife is not stupid. She knows I am using again. She has been with me long enough to know that I'll nip my use in the bud before it gets terribly out of control. We quit talking about my use a long time ago. Too painful, gets us no where.
I think she cuts me slack when maybe she should not with the hope I'll get it back under control. I am feel like this should be it for me. They deserve better and I know it but I am back in that place where tomorrows consequences feel far away and that creeping needy feeling becomes the only thing that matters. I end up spending money I don't have, slipping back into old criminal behaviors. I did something really stupid a few days ago and now have to go face up to it in the next few days. I do not think the person I wronged will be all that understanding and I will not blame him.
Like all experienced addicts I've lost some friends along the way but last spring one of my best friends took his life. He had been sober for two years, had a beautiful girl friend who loved him like crazy, and was on his way to law school in the not so distant future. I flew into Cleveland for his funeral, spent time with old friends, real friends, got up at the wake and said my bit. He was an exceptional human being and I still can't believe he is gone. I miss him every day and since he died I haven't been myself. I can't get past this grief. It was about that same time I quit going to meetings, quit spirituality, gave up on friendships, just plain shut down and started chipping again. I also, upon returning from his funeral, inexplicably signed up for 17 hours of organic chem and micro bio classes which I was sure I would fuck off, but some how will be starting my next semester with a 3.8. It is the only facet of my life I am able to manage successfully at this point.
The thing is, outside of my wife and daughter and brother-in-law I have no friends here. I do not feel comfortable talking to my brother in law about this stuff as we are in the process of starting a farm/compound and both have put everything on the line to make this happen. Last thing he wants to hear from me is that I am an emotional basket case teetering on the edge of terminal addiction.
I cut myself off from everyone I know out here. I had issues with people at meetings AA/NA, pissed people off with my fuck off attitude, no longer feel welcome there, no longer believe in the program anyway. The closest I have come to a spiritual experience since J died is a purposefully overdosed trip listening to Coil, trying to tap into that dark earth energy. dark self energy, trying to find some tangible connection with j. That experience coupled with the massive influx of information from the science classes I've been taking has completely shifted my spiritual orientation from a Hindu/Buddhist leaning to this mordant self reliant Crowley trip which is failing me miserably.
God this is a rambling mess. Thanks for reading it. Any advice, encouragement or admonishments will be appreciated. Anyone who has lived in a cycle like the one described above, who found a way out please give me some direction because right now I am utterly lost.
I started this morning with a ganja/opium tincture and then a hefty dose of lope this afternoon. I feel like that line in the Stooges song "nothing left alive but a pair of glassy eyes". I am going to try to make through tomorrow sober during the day, maybe a bit of honey oil to help me sleep.
V.
A brief incomplete history:
Used my first opiate at age 13 and felt comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. By the time I hit my mid twenties I was good and fucked, continued to use for another four years. Lots of misery during those years, friends lost, self respect obliterated. Finally I checked myself into a hospital in 99', had open heart surgery to correct a condition caused by a blood infection which was a direct result of careless iv heroin use. Spent countless months in rehabs, years of meetings, yoga, meditation, substituting marijuana for H, then pills, rediscovered the value of psychedelics, rediscovered that thing that allows me to love myself and others and then lost it all again and again. Every time I managed to shape some semblance of a meaningful life I throw it away in the face of some pills. That is my cycle.
That is where I have lived for ten plus years now. Building myself up and tearing myself back down. I am tired in my soul in much the same way I was tired back in 99 when I surrendered in that hospital bed, but now I have a family, a little girl who looks at me like I am the greatest thing in her world. She is two and a half and suddenly aware enough to recognize when something with me is not quite right. My wife is not stupid. She knows I am using again. She has been with me long enough to know that I'll nip my use in the bud before it gets terribly out of control. We quit talking about my use a long time ago. Too painful, gets us no where.
I think she cuts me slack when maybe she should not with the hope I'll get it back under control. I am feel like this should be it for me. They deserve better and I know it but I am back in that place where tomorrows consequences feel far away and that creeping needy feeling becomes the only thing that matters. I end up spending money I don't have, slipping back into old criminal behaviors. I did something really stupid a few days ago and now have to go face up to it in the next few days. I do not think the person I wronged will be all that understanding and I will not blame him.
Like all experienced addicts I've lost some friends along the way but last spring one of my best friends took his life. He had been sober for two years, had a beautiful girl friend who loved him like crazy, and was on his way to law school in the not so distant future. I flew into Cleveland for his funeral, spent time with old friends, real friends, got up at the wake and said my bit. He was an exceptional human being and I still can't believe he is gone. I miss him every day and since he died I haven't been myself. I can't get past this grief. It was about that same time I quit going to meetings, quit spirituality, gave up on friendships, just plain shut down and started chipping again. I also, upon returning from his funeral, inexplicably signed up for 17 hours of organic chem and micro bio classes which I was sure I would fuck off, but some how will be starting my next semester with a 3.8. It is the only facet of my life I am able to manage successfully at this point.
The thing is, outside of my wife and daughter and brother-in-law I have no friends here. I do not feel comfortable talking to my brother in law about this stuff as we are in the process of starting a farm/compound and both have put everything on the line to make this happen. Last thing he wants to hear from me is that I am an emotional basket case teetering on the edge of terminal addiction.
I cut myself off from everyone I know out here. I had issues with people at meetings AA/NA, pissed people off with my fuck off attitude, no longer feel welcome there, no longer believe in the program anyway. The closest I have come to a spiritual experience since J died is a purposefully overdosed trip listening to Coil, trying to tap into that dark earth energy. dark self energy, trying to find some tangible connection with j. That experience coupled with the massive influx of information from the science classes I've been taking has completely shifted my spiritual orientation from a Hindu/Buddhist leaning to this mordant self reliant Crowley trip which is failing me miserably.
God this is a rambling mess. Thanks for reading it. Any advice, encouragement or admonishments will be appreciated. Anyone who has lived in a cycle like the one described above, who found a way out please give me some direction because right now I am utterly lost.
I started this morning with a ganja/opium tincture and then a hefty dose of lope this afternoon. I feel like that line in the Stooges song "nothing left alive but a pair of glassy eyes". I am going to try to make through tomorrow sober during the day, maybe a bit of honey oil to help me sleep.
V.
Over the years many of Phreex's posts and some others familiarized me with some chem terminology and also piqued my interest. I ended up learning a lot on my own through clandestine experimentation and curiosity. It was all very familiar from the start. Finals week was a motherfucker.