Shady Kaity
Bluelighter
okay so as most of you know, i've been having many issues with my current boyfriend and I have been advised many times to leave him.
background again for those who dont know:
we've been together 11 months, we've been through many highs and lows(abortion, lying about drug use,going to rehab, being in a psych ward, feeling mistreated and as if im being belittled by him which severely has affected my self esteem, and the huge lack of sex and constant fighting)
okay so, this is a very complicated story so im going to try to make it as easy to follow...
how joe(my current bf) and I met, was through this guy I had met an NA meetings(Justin). Justin and I had kind of liked each other and we're talking, I thought I had really liked him, but I guess i truly didnt because when he asked to kiss me I straight up said no lol. But anyways, somewhere along the lines, he introduced me to his friend Joe and then proceeded to hook us up. Joe and I hit it off immediately, the connection was immaculate! I am not one to really talk to anyone about my deep rooted emotional issues, so its not as if he had any clue, but he knew that I had a lot of shit bottled up, and he told me he wanted to help me and be there for me in every way. I literally cried when he told me that, mind you this being like the second or third time of us hanging out. so we spent the first month or so greatly, playing video games sharing six packs and just genuinely enjoying each others company...about two month into our relationship we discovered that I was pregnant, and we decided it would be best for everyone involved for us to get an abortion(I already have a son and am only 20 years old and just getting by my self) ever since then, I feel like everything has been down hill. We started arguing a lot, but we still stayed strong. Then the lying and belittling done by him came into play and it just continued to go down hill.
anyway, enough about that.
Justin a few months back told us that he had a new girlfriend(Serena), whom was 8 or so years older than him(shes 31)...low and behold, when he introduced me to her, I discovered I had known Serena for over ten years because she was a very close friend of my old brothers. So, she and I started talking a lot, catching up on old things and life and what not, and we became very close friends very quickly, I looked up to her as almost an older sister in some aspects(going to her for advice and help, someone to talk to).
Then, about a month or so ago, Justin went away to rehab. And whilst Serena Joe and I were hanging out one night, the topic of her and I hooking up came into play somehow. At first it was like a joke, or so I assumed. I had stopped taking my medications(which is NEVER a good thing for me..ever) and I felt as if i was developing feelings for her. I guess because Joe and I constantly argue, never have sex, i feel like hes unattracted to me, and that hes losing interest and stopped, idk I guess our relationship just felt like it lost priority with him. Like i said, I am not one to talk to people about things. I bottle everything up and in the past my coping mechanism were blowing up getting high and then moving on like nothing ever happened. And I had made significant progress in learning to deal with emotions, or at least I was trying very hard.
Anyway, she here Serena is, giving me attention and affection, and making me feel good about myself...I guess I mistook that for developing feelings for her, especially with being off my medications I get very impulsive and irrational. So i expressed to her and joe that I thought I had a "girl crush" on her. At first joe was mad, so I went to her house and took some benzos to try to calm down, I guess I took too much, I dont remember much of that night but it ended up in a suicide attempt which landed me in the psych ward. anywho, joe got over it and accepted it, he got very very comfortable with the idea of her and I hooking up. So, after being stabalized on my medications again and returning home, I didnt feel so much of a "connection" with her anymore. But joe on the otherhand, had seemed to develop feelings for her. She was ALL he talked about when I came home. Serena this, serena that..and so on and so forth. Then casually one night, he was like so are you still interested in hooking up with her? and I was like IDK...but he continued to talk about it and said, you know if you guys were to hook up in front of me, I'm not sure that I could just sit there and watch, if you get what im saying...at the time, i guess i didnt know how to react to that so I was just like yeah i get it..but that bothered me, cuz he doesnt want to ever have sex with me, but suddenly hes got this infattuation with her and wants to have sex, which also affected my self esteem and intensified any feelings of being unattractive to him like times 100. So, the night that we all were going to go pick up Justin from the air port, earlier in that day, serena texted me saying, "think we can squeeze one secret make out session before i return to married life?" and like I had said before, i wasnt really feeling it for her anymore, but I said yes..went to her house a few hours later, i was nervous so i took 2mgs of klonopins, 125 mgs of nuvigil, drank a 4 loko and did a bag of dope with her...then we took a shower together, and things started to heat up. we were being sensual and passionate and started kissing, which then lead to us in her bed having all out sex...I dont think I actually wanted to hook up wiht her, I think i did it out of spite to joe, because I felt like he wanted her, so I was going to get her before him or something? IDK it was a stupid decision and cheating is never right, im just still trying to figure out why i did it.
Anyway, after that I checked my phone and Joe was waiting outside to come in, so we quickly got dressed and swore we'd keep it a secret and not tell either of them...joe comes in and said to me, I really wanna kiss you right now, and then serena chimed in yeah i really wanna kiss her too. so i looked at joe and i said its up to him and he said sure. so she and I kissed in front of him for a short period of time, and then we were off to pick up Justin.
The next day, I get a text message from Justin saying " I'd appreciate it if you didnt hook up with my girlfriend" I was completely taken by surprise by that. so i texted serena asking what was going on. and she said he asked about me and her, and she tried to lie but he could tell so she told him the truth he knows all the details, you should tell joe before he does" I was in a panic. So i quickly texted joe and told him straight up she and I had sex. and all hell broke lose from there. Justin claimed he was completely done with her and honestly I should be dead to joe too. but joe and I talked about it for well over 24 hours and dealt with it..but during that time, I asked justin to come over, so I could tell him my side of the story, and try to help repair their relationship. Those two were really happy together and I felt so terrible for ruining it for them. I told him to blame me, not entirely her, and I told him all the details. how and when it happened, that it was the reason we were late, and that she had also given me dope. apparently she did NOT tell him all the details and that kind of made it worse. and he had also asked me who went down on who first and i told him the truth, she went down on me first. then he went to her house and I got a call a little after, with him saying shes saying that you went down on her first meaning it was your idea, and I heard her screaming and crying in the background "fuck her, idgaf about her, shes such a liar.,.." etc. But they worked things out eventually, and are still together.
Anyway, as one would assume, she and I are not allowed to speak or see each other anymore(and rightfully so), otherwise they both say they will break up with us on the spot.
I had told joe not to talk to her either(because of my prior insecurities about him having feelings for her) and i asked for him not to hang out with her. his response was well i've known justin my whole life and he lives with her so if shes there when i go to see justin theres nothing i can do about it. that kind of really irritated me. Joe does not allow me to talk to ANY guys, and the one time I ask him to avoid talking to this girl, because of the situation that happened, and my insecurities, he cannot respect that.
Last night, he was texting her, apparently asking about justin because justin had not been answering him. which i check joes phone often because of his jealous behavoirs it along the line made me a jealous suspicious person as well. I hadnt seen one text or call to justin... i mean not to say hes lying about trying to get in touch with him, but idk. like i said im suspicious. and when i asked to see the text serena and joe were having, he said i'll just read them to you. normally he just complains and gives me his phone. so that struck me as strange, but i let it go. and expressed once again that I do not wish for him to have contact with her. he says the same thing of course, and tells me im being ridiculous, i'm the one who cheated on him with her, and im being completely unfair. so I said just drop it i dont wanna argue. so we did, and then at 1:30 in the morning, she texted him saying, I need to get out. what are you doing? and all he said back was half asleep with kp...which also struck me as a little strange, like why does he need to tell her that hes with me, as if it was almost code for cant talk now the gf's here. or something. but once again, maybe im just paranoid.
Am i wrong here, with wanting him not to have contact with her? Its like he fights so hard with me just to continue talking to her and hanging out with her almost. its very frustrating and I just dont know if I can be in a relationship where I have to be uncomfortable and suspicious all the time...like thats not fair to me in my opinion. That he can go hang out with two people who were once both of our friends, and i am not even ALLOWED to. which i understand, but why cant he just make this sacrafice for me and respect my wish of him not to talk or see her.
and then I wonder, why would he even want to see the person that I cheated on him with? that just makes no sense to me...
Any opinions or advice are greatly appreciated and thank you in advance if you actually take the time to read all of this...sorry its so long. I just had a lot to get out.
background again for those who dont know:
we've been together 11 months, we've been through many highs and lows(abortion, lying about drug use,going to rehab, being in a psych ward, feeling mistreated and as if im being belittled by him which severely has affected my self esteem, and the huge lack of sex and constant fighting)
okay so, this is a very complicated story so im going to try to make it as easy to follow...
how joe(my current bf) and I met, was through this guy I had met an NA meetings(Justin). Justin and I had kind of liked each other and we're talking, I thought I had really liked him, but I guess i truly didnt because when he asked to kiss me I straight up said no lol. But anyways, somewhere along the lines, he introduced me to his friend Joe and then proceeded to hook us up. Joe and I hit it off immediately, the connection was immaculate! I am not one to really talk to anyone about my deep rooted emotional issues, so its not as if he had any clue, but he knew that I had a lot of shit bottled up, and he told me he wanted to help me and be there for me in every way. I literally cried when he told me that, mind you this being like the second or third time of us hanging out. so we spent the first month or so greatly, playing video games sharing six packs and just genuinely enjoying each others company...about two month into our relationship we discovered that I was pregnant, and we decided it would be best for everyone involved for us to get an abortion(I already have a son and am only 20 years old and just getting by my self) ever since then, I feel like everything has been down hill. We started arguing a lot, but we still stayed strong. Then the lying and belittling done by him came into play and it just continued to go down hill.
anyway, enough about that.
Justin a few months back told us that he had a new girlfriend(Serena), whom was 8 or so years older than him(shes 31)...low and behold, when he introduced me to her, I discovered I had known Serena for over ten years because she was a very close friend of my old brothers. So, she and I started talking a lot, catching up on old things and life and what not, and we became very close friends very quickly, I looked up to her as almost an older sister in some aspects(going to her for advice and help, someone to talk to).
Then, about a month or so ago, Justin went away to rehab. And whilst Serena Joe and I were hanging out one night, the topic of her and I hooking up came into play somehow. At first it was like a joke, or so I assumed. I had stopped taking my medications(which is NEVER a good thing for me..ever) and I felt as if i was developing feelings for her. I guess because Joe and I constantly argue, never have sex, i feel like hes unattracted to me, and that hes losing interest and stopped, idk I guess our relationship just felt like it lost priority with him. Like i said, I am not one to talk to people about things. I bottle everything up and in the past my coping mechanism were blowing up getting high and then moving on like nothing ever happened. And I had made significant progress in learning to deal with emotions, or at least I was trying very hard.
Anyway, she here Serena is, giving me attention and affection, and making me feel good about myself...I guess I mistook that for developing feelings for her, especially with being off my medications I get very impulsive and irrational. So i expressed to her and joe that I thought I had a "girl crush" on her. At first joe was mad, so I went to her house and took some benzos to try to calm down, I guess I took too much, I dont remember much of that night but it ended up in a suicide attempt which landed me in the psych ward. anywho, joe got over it and accepted it, he got very very comfortable with the idea of her and I hooking up. So, after being stabalized on my medications again and returning home, I didnt feel so much of a "connection" with her anymore. But joe on the otherhand, had seemed to develop feelings for her. She was ALL he talked about when I came home. Serena this, serena that..and so on and so forth. Then casually one night, he was like so are you still interested in hooking up with her? and I was like IDK...but he continued to talk about it and said, you know if you guys were to hook up in front of me, I'm not sure that I could just sit there and watch, if you get what im saying...at the time, i guess i didnt know how to react to that so I was just like yeah i get it..but that bothered me, cuz he doesnt want to ever have sex with me, but suddenly hes got this infattuation with her and wants to have sex, which also affected my self esteem and intensified any feelings of being unattractive to him like times 100. So, the night that we all were going to go pick up Justin from the air port, earlier in that day, serena texted me saying, "think we can squeeze one secret make out session before i return to married life?" and like I had said before, i wasnt really feeling it for her anymore, but I said yes..went to her house a few hours later, i was nervous so i took 2mgs of klonopins, 125 mgs of nuvigil, drank a 4 loko and did a bag of dope with her...then we took a shower together, and things started to heat up. we were being sensual and passionate and started kissing, which then lead to us in her bed having all out sex...I dont think I actually wanted to hook up wiht her, I think i did it out of spite to joe, because I felt like he wanted her, so I was going to get her before him or something? IDK it was a stupid decision and cheating is never right, im just still trying to figure out why i did it.
Anyway, after that I checked my phone and Joe was waiting outside to come in, so we quickly got dressed and swore we'd keep it a secret and not tell either of them...joe comes in and said to me, I really wanna kiss you right now, and then serena chimed in yeah i really wanna kiss her too. so i looked at joe and i said its up to him and he said sure. so she and I kissed in front of him for a short period of time, and then we were off to pick up Justin.
The next day, I get a text message from Justin saying " I'd appreciate it if you didnt hook up with my girlfriend" I was completely taken by surprise by that. so i texted serena asking what was going on. and she said he asked about me and her, and she tried to lie but he could tell so she told him the truth he knows all the details, you should tell joe before he does" I was in a panic. So i quickly texted joe and told him straight up she and I had sex. and all hell broke lose from there. Justin claimed he was completely done with her and honestly I should be dead to joe too. but joe and I talked about it for well over 24 hours and dealt with it..but during that time, I asked justin to come over, so I could tell him my side of the story, and try to help repair their relationship. Those two were really happy together and I felt so terrible for ruining it for them. I told him to blame me, not entirely her, and I told him all the details. how and when it happened, that it was the reason we were late, and that she had also given me dope. apparently she did NOT tell him all the details and that kind of made it worse. and he had also asked me who went down on who first and i told him the truth, she went down on me first. then he went to her house and I got a call a little after, with him saying shes saying that you went down on her first meaning it was your idea, and I heard her screaming and crying in the background "fuck her, idgaf about her, shes such a liar.,.." etc. But they worked things out eventually, and are still together.
Anyway, as one would assume, she and I are not allowed to speak or see each other anymore(and rightfully so), otherwise they both say they will break up with us on the spot.
I had told joe not to talk to her either(because of my prior insecurities about him having feelings for her) and i asked for him not to hang out with her. his response was well i've known justin my whole life and he lives with her so if shes there when i go to see justin theres nothing i can do about it. that kind of really irritated me. Joe does not allow me to talk to ANY guys, and the one time I ask him to avoid talking to this girl, because of the situation that happened, and my insecurities, he cannot respect that.
Last night, he was texting her, apparently asking about justin because justin had not been answering him. which i check joes phone often because of his jealous behavoirs it along the line made me a jealous suspicious person as well. I hadnt seen one text or call to justin... i mean not to say hes lying about trying to get in touch with him, but idk. like i said im suspicious. and when i asked to see the text serena and joe were having, he said i'll just read them to you. normally he just complains and gives me his phone. so that struck me as strange, but i let it go. and expressed once again that I do not wish for him to have contact with her. he says the same thing of course, and tells me im being ridiculous, i'm the one who cheated on him with her, and im being completely unfair. so I said just drop it i dont wanna argue. so we did, and then at 1:30 in the morning, she texted him saying, I need to get out. what are you doing? and all he said back was half asleep with kp...which also struck me as a little strange, like why does he need to tell her that hes with me, as if it was almost code for cant talk now the gf's here. or something. but once again, maybe im just paranoid.
Am i wrong here, with wanting him not to have contact with her? Its like he fights so hard with me just to continue talking to her and hanging out with her almost. its very frustrating and I just dont know if I can be in a relationship where I have to be uncomfortable and suspicious all the time...like thats not fair to me in my opinion. That he can go hang out with two people who were once both of our friends, and i am not even ALLOWED to. which i understand, but why cant he just make this sacrafice for me and respect my wish of him not to talk or see her.
and then I wonder, why would he even want to see the person that I cheated on him with? that just makes no sense to me...
Any opinions or advice are greatly appreciated and thank you in advance if you actually take the time to read all of this...sorry its so long. I just had a lot to get out.
