02/02/10 12:21 PM
self-centered - concerned solely or chiefly with one's own interests, welfare, etc.; engrossed in self; selfish; egotistical.
(source: dictionary.com [web version])
disease - abnormal condition; illness
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])
How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?
I've been delaying answering this question for the simple fact that it seems HUGE. Since I originally typed out the question (about a week and a half ago) I have thought on this particular aspect of myself DAILY. Recognizing my self-centered nature is humbling in as much that, when I get cocky/egotistical, I tend to immediately realize that this is NOT a good quality and I start to feel guilt.
Hmmmmmm... ...I see that self-centeredness is closely related to self-awareness when I recognize personal selfishness.
I have found myself thinking rather recently 'Man, I'm a good guy!". This isn't a bad thing but who am I to assess myself in such a manner? I am the LAST person to evaluate my character or quality as a human being for three reasons.
1) Many times I dislike myself
2) Many times I like myself too much
3) I am biased
I have been hit with ego lately. I am exercising regularly lately and, in my opinion I am starting to get decent muscle tone. Yes, I can take the credit for the effort but... both my mom and dad's side of the family have excellent bone and muscle structure. I believe I have inherited this. So, I have an edge on those that haven't inherited such genes. I cannot take credit for something I have done absolutely NO work in acquiring.
A result of this exercise, I have increased confidence (increased testosterone?) and carry myself a certain way. Well, a female in the rooms was asking about me and this made me feel like some Brad Pitt motherfucker. (I am a bald, 39 year old ex-junkie NOT some male model)
Now check this out... when I'm walking in a store, I notice women looking at me. This makes me feel good but also it makes me question my character. If these women find me attractive, why does it affect the way I feel? They are simply looking at an external shell. I cannot take credit for this external shell so they are accepting/approving of me for reasons that I have no control over. If they were accepting/approving of me for my actions and thoughts of kindness than I believe that this would be more acceptable to me.
Also, how do I know I don't have some sort of dirt or smudge on my face and THAT'S why they are looking at me?
The thing is, I LIKE that women find me attractive (if they truly do) and it puts me in a good mood. Why do I need this type of approval?
I have more to write on self-centeredness but will add it later. Other topics on my self-centered nature include (my perceived above average intelligence, my actions geared towards being in service to others, the belief that I think MY WAY is practical/logical for others even though I don't know the complete set of circumstances).
More later...
02/02/10 10:50 PM
Now to tackle the subject of intelligence.
Okay, I recognize that I am rather intelligent but do I think too highly of this? At times, yes. I get frustrated with people in NA very often. I judge many. I get on this mental rampage about how many don't have computers and those that do only know the basics and don't value the ENORMOUS wealth of information the Internet provides and how folks go about things the hard way by shying away from these amazing tools.
I TRY to view things as 'hey, everyone is different' or 'they don't have the financial resources' but this doesn't work for me. I am a snob when it comes to technical things and I need to lose this attitude of 'I'm better than you because I know how to expertly achieve results via various computer applications'.
I know its wrong but I judge people as 'dumb' WAY too often. I'm ashamed to admit this but if I'm going to develop some sort of decent character I need to be COMPLETELY honest concerning my flaws so that I can develop some sort of tolerance and humility.
As I type this I feel like a COMPLETE asshole. How fucking dare I?!?!!?
02/03/10 10:30 AM
service - an act of helpful activity; help; aid
(source: dictionary.com [web version])
servitude - slavery or bondage of any kind
(source: dictionary.com [web version])
In the beginning of my recovery I was terrified that 12 Stepping wasn't going to work for me this time around. I've been in NA twice before and experienced two separate 5 year periods of continuous clean time.
This time around it felt different and I was worried that perhaps I was that one person that the program didn't work for.
I made the decision to do whatever was necessary, follow all the suggestions and fuck anyone that got in my way.
I made the suggested 90 meetings in 90 days (a meeting a day for 90 days). I shared honestly in meetings. I got a sponsor. I joined a home group. I got involved in service.
Service, in NA terms can be anything from making coffee, setting up chairs, chairing meetings, committing to a position within the home group (Chairperson, Treasurer, Group Service Representative, etc.).
These things were easy for me and it wasn't enough. I decided to break the pattern that I displayed before. I used to isolate a great deal and this (as I look back) stunted my growth.
Part of breaking this pattern involved the following:
* walking up to the nervous 'new guys' and shooting the shit with them. It was uncomfortable at first but became easier.
* giving complete strangers rides to meetings
* calling people (strangers) newer than me to see how they were doing/feeling
* putting food in the newcomer's stomach
* giving clothes that I no longer wore or needed to newcomers
* typing out resumes for people at no charge
* taking people to job interviews
* helping people fill out the forms for cash/medical assistance
* taking people to the welfare office
* finding homeless shelters/free drug and alcohol rehab for two people in different states
* having people over to my apartment when they felt like using even though I had other things to do
* giving people rides to Drug Court and therapy
* giving people rides to work
Now, I'm listing these for a few reasons:
1. To take inventory of positive things I've done so I can reflect on them when I find myself in a self-hating/poor-me mood
2. To more clearly state how service oriented actions can lead to self-centeredness
3. So that I will remember
Now, on many occasions, I have found myself patting myself on the back for these actions. I can say that in MOST cases I was doing the right thing for the right reason. On some occasions I was doing the right thing for the wrong reason. That wrong reason is simply so that people would like me, say good things about me and so people would think I had some sort of 'extra' ability to accomplish things beyond a normal person's scope.
Being in service HAS taught me a lot but it has also taught me that I can still be manipulative in order to put forward an image of myself that is not necessarily an accurate/truthful perception of who I am.
Its said that 'self-centeredness is the core of my disease [abnormal condition]'. I need to be as diligent as possible in exposing my self-centeredness.
This entry is going to be quite lengthy...
self-centered - concerned solely or chiefly with one's own interests, welfare, etc.; engrossed in self; selfish; egotistical.
(source: dictionary.com [web version])
disease - abnormal condition; illness
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])
How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?
I've been delaying answering this question for the simple fact that it seems HUGE. Since I originally typed out the question (about a week and a half ago) I have thought on this particular aspect of myself DAILY. Recognizing my self-centered nature is humbling in as much that, when I get cocky/egotistical, I tend to immediately realize that this is NOT a good quality and I start to feel guilt.
Hmmmmmm... ...I see that self-centeredness is closely related to self-awareness when I recognize personal selfishness.
I have found myself thinking rather recently 'Man, I'm a good guy!". This isn't a bad thing but who am I to assess myself in such a manner? I am the LAST person to evaluate my character or quality as a human being for three reasons.
1) Many times I dislike myself
2) Many times I like myself too much
3) I am biased
I have been hit with ego lately. I am exercising regularly lately and, in my opinion I am starting to get decent muscle tone. Yes, I can take the credit for the effort but... both my mom and dad's side of the family have excellent bone and muscle structure. I believe I have inherited this. So, I have an edge on those that haven't inherited such genes. I cannot take credit for something I have done absolutely NO work in acquiring.
A result of this exercise, I have increased confidence (increased testosterone?) and carry myself a certain way. Well, a female in the rooms was asking about me and this made me feel like some Brad Pitt motherfucker. (I am a bald, 39 year old ex-junkie NOT some male model)
Now check this out... when I'm walking in a store, I notice women looking at me. This makes me feel good but also it makes me question my character. If these women find me attractive, why does it affect the way I feel? They are simply looking at an external shell. I cannot take credit for this external shell so they are accepting/approving of me for reasons that I have no control over. If they were accepting/approving of me for my actions and thoughts of kindness than I believe that this would be more acceptable to me.
Also, how do I know I don't have some sort of dirt or smudge on my face and THAT'S why they are looking at me?
The thing is, I LIKE that women find me attractive (if they truly do) and it puts me in a good mood. Why do I need this type of approval?
I have more to write on self-centeredness but will add it later. Other topics on my self-centered nature include (my perceived above average intelligence, my actions geared towards being in service to others, the belief that I think MY WAY is practical/logical for others even though I don't know the complete set of circumstances).
More later...
02/02/10 10:50 PM
Now to tackle the subject of intelligence.
Okay, I recognize that I am rather intelligent but do I think too highly of this? At times, yes. I get frustrated with people in NA very often. I judge many. I get on this mental rampage about how many don't have computers and those that do only know the basics and don't value the ENORMOUS wealth of information the Internet provides and how folks go about things the hard way by shying away from these amazing tools.
I TRY to view things as 'hey, everyone is different' or 'they don't have the financial resources' but this doesn't work for me. I am a snob when it comes to technical things and I need to lose this attitude of 'I'm better than you because I know how to expertly achieve results via various computer applications'.
I know its wrong but I judge people as 'dumb' WAY too often. I'm ashamed to admit this but if I'm going to develop some sort of decent character I need to be COMPLETELY honest concerning my flaws so that I can develop some sort of tolerance and humility.
As I type this I feel like a COMPLETE asshole. How fucking dare I?!?!!?
02/03/10 10:30 AM
service - an act of helpful activity; help; aid
(source: dictionary.com [web version])
servitude - slavery or bondage of any kind
(source: dictionary.com [web version])
In the beginning of my recovery I was terrified that 12 Stepping wasn't going to work for me this time around. I've been in NA twice before and experienced two separate 5 year periods of continuous clean time.
This time around it felt different and I was worried that perhaps I was that one person that the program didn't work for.
I made the decision to do whatever was necessary, follow all the suggestions and fuck anyone that got in my way.
I made the suggested 90 meetings in 90 days (a meeting a day for 90 days). I shared honestly in meetings. I got a sponsor. I joined a home group. I got involved in service.
Service, in NA terms can be anything from making coffee, setting up chairs, chairing meetings, committing to a position within the home group (Chairperson, Treasurer, Group Service Representative, etc.).
These things were easy for me and it wasn't enough. I decided to break the pattern that I displayed before. I used to isolate a great deal and this (as I look back) stunted my growth.
Part of breaking this pattern involved the following:
* walking up to the nervous 'new guys' and shooting the shit with them. It was uncomfortable at first but became easier.
* giving complete strangers rides to meetings
* calling people (strangers) newer than me to see how they were doing/feeling
* putting food in the newcomer's stomach
* giving clothes that I no longer wore or needed to newcomers
* typing out resumes for people at no charge
* taking people to job interviews
* helping people fill out the forms for cash/medical assistance
* taking people to the welfare office
* finding homeless shelters/free drug and alcohol rehab for two people in different states
* having people over to my apartment when they felt like using even though I had other things to do
* giving people rides to Drug Court and therapy
* giving people rides to work
Now, I'm listing these for a few reasons:
1. To take inventory of positive things I've done so I can reflect on them when I find myself in a self-hating/poor-me mood
2. To more clearly state how service oriented actions can lead to self-centeredness
3. So that I will remember
Now, on many occasions, I have found myself patting myself on the back for these actions. I can say that in MOST cases I was doing the right thing for the right reason. On some occasions I was doing the right thing for the wrong reason. That wrong reason is simply so that people would like me, say good things about me and so people would think I had some sort of 'extra' ability to accomplish things beyond a normal person's scope.
Being in service HAS taught me a lot but it has also taught me that I can still be manipulative in order to put forward an image of myself that is not necessarily an accurate/truthful perception of who I am.
Its said that 'self-centeredness is the core of my disease [abnormal condition]'. I need to be as diligent as possible in exposing my self-centeredness.
This entry is going to be quite lengthy...
