How have I blamed other people for my behavior?
02/07/10 10:53 PM
Ok, I can think of something from back in the day to partially answer this question.
My first real girlfriend (the one I lost my virginity to) died May 5, 1989. I was already heavy into coke, acid, alcohol, weed, etc. but I blamed her death (not her) for why I was using more frequently. I used it as an excuse. She was my first true love and I felt her death gave me an appropriate reason to fuck around more hard-core.
I realize that I am blaming a situation as opposed to a person in this answer but its important that I write it down anyway.
02/08/10 12:15 AM
I'm gonna take a break from answering these questions for a bit. Right now, its counter-productive. I just wanted to get off the drugs and be a better person. This shit is like a college assignment. I see the benefits of looking at myself closely but, seriously, WTF? There are 69 questions, deep questions in Step 1 alone.
I'm gonna stop for a bit and come back to them after my attitude changes.
02/08/10 10:10 AM
Ok, my sponsor called this morning and asked how I was making out on my Step Work (he knew that I have been struggling). I told him that I was planning to take a break from it for a week because I was getting an attitude and, quite frankly, I was thinking last night 'I need a fuckin' beer to answer this shit'. That's counter-productive so I stopped writing (until this morning)
Anyway, he mentioned that these questions focus primarily on our past and just a little bit on the present (or immediate past). He mentioned that it is work but it will help me compare and contrast to how I was and how I am coming to be.
It does help me understand some things about me.
My sponsor has 18 years clean. He doesn't bullshit people and will speak honestly regardless of whether it will hurt someone's feelings. He stands up for what he believes in and that's why I chose him.
I need to make the effort on these questions because I truly don't ever want to go back to living and feeling the way I have lived and felt for so long. If I make the effort and fail at least I know I made the effort.
My sponsor says that Step Work is the best tool against relapse. So I will give it an honest, diligent and consistent effort.
I don't know if I will be posting any more Step Work entries here on Bluelight (I haven't decided as of yet). I don't want to hold anything back and I'm afraid if I post everything here I will hold back critical info that I need to expose.
Anyway, I will get back to this question later today...
02/22/10 12:31 PM
Ok, recently I turned off my phone for the sole reason that I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone. Complaints, self-pity, lack of acceptance, bragging, hidden agendas were what I was trying to avoid. The behavior of isolating was being blamed on other people.
The way I see it is that since I’m not working, I have a responsibility to answer my phone and return calls that are missed. I blamed other people’s negativity for my isolation.
I can say that I was starting to feel depressed and the phone calls that prompted this action were not helping the matter but I soon realized that I was simply running away and not facing situations.
02/07/10 10:53 PM
Ok, I can think of something from back in the day to partially answer this question.
My first real girlfriend (the one I lost my virginity to) died May 5, 1989. I was already heavy into coke, acid, alcohol, weed, etc. but I blamed her death (not her) for why I was using more frequently. I used it as an excuse. She was my first true love and I felt her death gave me an appropriate reason to fuck around more hard-core.
I realize that I am blaming a situation as opposed to a person in this answer but its important that I write it down anyway.
02/08/10 12:15 AM
I'm gonna take a break from answering these questions for a bit. Right now, its counter-productive. I just wanted to get off the drugs and be a better person. This shit is like a college assignment. I see the benefits of looking at myself closely but, seriously, WTF? There are 69 questions, deep questions in Step 1 alone.
I'm gonna stop for a bit and come back to them after my attitude changes.
02/08/10 10:10 AM
Ok, my sponsor called this morning and asked how I was making out on my Step Work (he knew that I have been struggling). I told him that I was planning to take a break from it for a week because I was getting an attitude and, quite frankly, I was thinking last night 'I need a fuckin' beer to answer this shit'. That's counter-productive so I stopped writing (until this morning)
Anyway, he mentioned that these questions focus primarily on our past and just a little bit on the present (or immediate past). He mentioned that it is work but it will help me compare and contrast to how I was and how I am coming to be.
It does help me understand some things about me.
My sponsor has 18 years clean. He doesn't bullshit people and will speak honestly regardless of whether it will hurt someone's feelings. He stands up for what he believes in and that's why I chose him.
I need to make the effort on these questions because I truly don't ever want to go back to living and feeling the way I have lived and felt for so long. If I make the effort and fail at least I know I made the effort.
My sponsor says that Step Work is the best tool against relapse. So I will give it an honest, diligent and consistent effort.
I don't know if I will be posting any more Step Work entries here on Bluelight (I haven't decided as of yet). I don't want to hold anything back and I'm afraid if I post everything here I will hold back critical info that I need to expose.
Anyway, I will get back to this question later today...
02/22/10 12:31 PM
Ok, recently I turned off my phone for the sole reason that I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone. Complaints, self-pity, lack of acceptance, bragging, hidden agendas were what I was trying to avoid. The behavior of isolating was being blamed on other people.
The way I see it is that since I’m not working, I have a responsibility to answer my phone and return calls that are missed. I blamed other people’s negativity for my isolation.
I can say that I was starting to feel depressed and the phone calls that prompted this action were not helping the matter but I soon realized that I was simply running away and not facing situations.