mrflowers00
Ex-Bluelighter
i can't stop stealing i steal a lot and i also steal my dads pills i'm a bad person
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stealing
- Thread starter mrflowers00
- Start date
Mysterie
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- May 7, 2010
- Messages
- 4,540
i understand stealing drugs, for me if i know where some pills are and think theres a fair chance i won't get caught, they will be in my tummy very fast
if you dont want to steal them and your dad knows about it you could get him to hide them better (i.e. lock in safe)
as for stealing other things, try lift your moral standards and think about how it would feel for someone to steal something from you
if you dont want to steal them and your dad knows about it you could get him to hide them better (i.e. lock in safe)
as for stealing other things, try lift your moral standards and think about how it would feel for someone to steal something from you
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
I take it you don't want to steal?
Just go up to your dad, and apologize. Explain why you stole his pills, admit that it was not a good thing to do and that you wish not to do it anymore, and urge him to lock up his medications so you are unable to steal them again.
You'd be taking responsibility for your actions in this way, but also doing it an honest way. He'll likely find out what you did with or without you telling him, so why not be honest?
Just go up to your dad, and apologize. Explain why you stole his pills, admit that it was not a good thing to do and that you wish not to do it anymore, and urge him to lock up his medications so you are unable to steal them again.
You'd be taking responsibility for your actions in this way, but also doing it an honest way. He'll likely find out what you did with or without you telling him, so why not be honest?
I doubt you are a bad person, just a person who does bad things. The Captain has the right idea here.
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
I agree with Captain.Heroin. Coming clean with the stealing and apologizing could be a good way to 'cleanse your conscience'. Use this guilt as a motivator not to steal anymore! Everytime you have an impulse too, try to project yourself into the future and think about how bad you'll feel afterwards, and ask yourself if it's really worth it.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Captain Heroin's Essay on the Importance of Apologizing
Yeah, I want to share a personal story to reiterate why I believe my advice is sound and the best available advice.
If people catch onto the fact that you are stealing from them, and you don't confess before they realize this, they will lose all respect for you. I had a "friend" (someone I used to consider a friend, but I am now totally indifferent to them) who had a short history of liking to steal. It started with stealing drugs that they had given away as a gift, to someone I was living with. I wouldn't have discovered this if my other roommate didn't happen to be here and notice they did this. When confronted, they burst out in tears and apologized a lot. I couldn't tell if they were being genuine at the time. I realize in retrospect it's all a part of their borderline personality disorder and that they likely did not feel any remorse for stealing. If they felt bad while crying it was likely due to the reasons why they had become a thieving drug addict; that being childhood sexual abuse.
Anyways, fast forward a little bit... the same person would be looking around my apartment looking for things to take, and when I'd notice them do this, I'd basically tell them to stop and I'd keep my eye on them.
I made a horrible mistake of trading some of my drugs with this person. You see, this kind of person had this idea that they were not addicted to their own prescriptions (Adderall and benzos). Well, they were. They also had this idea that offering a large amount of one or both for a single dosage of the drug I was trading them for (Suboxone) was a good idea. They also seemed to think that after they would run out of the rest of their Adderall and benzos, I would be up for the idea of giving him back what he had traded me. Of course like any sane person, I did not, and this obviously frustrated them. Within a short period of time, let's say weeks not months - they got to the point where they were able and willing to steal (in this instance, a USB 2 gigabyte drive at a value of $40) in order to receive again, a single dosage of Suboxone. I didn't think twice about it at the time, since the people who own Walmart are billionaires, and I really wanted this USB drive. Unfortunately I believe I have misplaced it/lost it, what a shame. Nonetheless... after this point, they realized that they were addicted to their own prescriptions, they would only pay for Suboxone. They quickly ran out of money, and still hopelessly addicted to their prescriptions (they would literally go through an entire month's worth of both Adderall and benzos in less than one week - sometimes as little as 3 days) they became increasingly unstable. After some time had moved forward, one day he shows up at my apartment and knocks on the door. I was literally on my way out to a club, was already dressed and everything, so I didn't answer the door as I didn't have time to hang out - and I make a point to not allow people to just show up at my apartment, as that is incredibly rude and sketchy.
The next time I heard anything from him, he was trying to break into my apartment. When we didn't open the door for him, he then went around to the back of our apartment (we were on the 2nd floor in this building), and our apartment had a balcony. He literally used his at-the-time pregnant girlfriend as a ladder, climbed onto her shoulders, just to climb up onto our balcony. He then tried to get through the balcony door, which didn't happen. He then started to threaten to call the cops on us.
Now, I don't know what faulty logic would prompt one to decide, "I'm going to threaten calling the cops on Captain!" while committing a felony against me... but I can now tell it was probably not logical at all, and all an emotional trainwreck fueled by amphetamine psychosis and a general lack of eating and sleeping.
Long story short, because of this event, I lost 100% respect for this person, and am totally indifferent to their existence. In fact, their life has only gone downhill since this happened to them.
Oh, but you're probably wondering, what happened? Well, after he did this (he sent the threat via text too, keep this in mind) I decided to call the cops myself. Not because I felt threatened by what he was doing, because I could have kicked his ass into a bloody pulp, but because I didn't want to kick his ass, and since he brought up the cops, I figured, all right fucker, choke on your own bluff! (Protip # 7493: Never bluff the Captain, he'll call you on it!)
The cops came, and escorted him and his at-the-time pregnant off the property. I then informed my landlord that they were not allowed back, and told them everything that happened, and they received a letter in the mail warning them never to come back, and if they did, and anyone in my neighborhood saw him even for a second, the cops would be called, and even if he left before the cops would get there, they would go to his house to arrest him.
The rest of the story is less exciting; they never came back (obviously too scared to go to jail). The girl ended up having her baby prematurely as she smoked cigarettes the entire way through her pregnancy (this girl was the epitome of ignorant white trash, and I was honestly surprised she wasn't a crack whore because she had a crack whore look about her), she got him into smoking cigarettes (which he is still doing to this day), they consequentially broke up, and he also lost custody of his son because he's a monumental fuck up and a drug addict.
He then went to jail for two separate occasions, the first jail stint he was beaten up (he was the kind of person who couldn't step foot into a jail without making people want to beat him up; people with Borderline Personality Disorder wouldn't stand a chance in jail) - and now he's on probation, and if he is using drugs he's not prescribed or gets into trouble with anything else, he'll be going straight to jail.
I also wanted to point out that this kid also stole his parents' pills, but not only did he do that, he ruined the kitchen cabinets (which cost several hundred dollars to install) which were locked, just to steal a single bottle of 1mg Ativan tablets (which probably cost less than a dollar with insurance covering the rest).
I hope reading this post has made you feel better about your situation, because while you may be stealing your dad's pills, I doubt you would destroy hundreds of dollars of worth of the house just to get to a bottle of pills. I mean, who knows, maybe you are, but it is up to you to do what's right.
Trust me when I say retaining the trust and respect of your friends and family is worth so much more than a cheap bottle of pills. So much more.
Mr. Flowers, the difference between this guy and you, is that the guy I just finished typing about - never apologized to me. Never. Well, he did call and left a short series of voice mails over the course of one hour, which began with sobbing and apologizing, and then another sobbing+apologizing one, then an angry one for me not picking up for him, and then one that got 100% angry and cussing me out for not picking up (over the course of less than an hour!!!), and then a final voice mail apologizing for getting angry but still sounding very frustrated for not picking up.
But yeah, I never got a sincere apology. By the time he could have apologized in a meaningful way, he had essentially forgotten about the entire thing. I say essentially because I'm sure he remembers bits and pieces of it, but not the important parts (that what he did was wrong and inexcusable).
It's important to apologize in a meaningful way when it counts.
A+; also, try not to let the guilt consume you to the point where you're going to get anxious and then you'll feel compelled to take benzos.
I would remember how the guilt feels like, but to move past it, to a feeling of pride that you don't do that anymore.
Also, it is important to remember how YOU would feel if your dad stole YOUR prescriptions (I'm sure he wouldn't), but put yourself in that position. Obviously you know how I felt in the story I typed out... and trust me, if someone stole your pills, not only would you have withdrawals and your pain/anxiety issues, but you would have the severe frustration of knowing you could have medical relief and instead someone stole them to get high.
It sounds like in your original post Mr. Flowers that you don't want to steal, and that you recognize it's not right to do. That's a HUGE first step. The person I typed this story out about, obviously didn't get that it was bad, and if he did, it was way, way too late to apologize in a meaningful way.
Oh, and actually, he did write an apology letter at one point, so that the next time I saw him like many months later, he had written out his apology but it literally read like someone in the 5th grade wrote it, and he didn't exactly apologize like "I'm sorry for X, Y, and Z, this is why X happened, this is why X led to Y, and this is why I did Z and I am so sorry", it read more like "I miss hanging out with you and I don't know what I did but I can change!" = the general gist of it. I wish I would have saved the letter as an example of what not to do in an apology letter, but nonetheless, the general gist is here.
One last paragraph; I promise. Let's say this person I wrote this entire story about, had legitimately apologized the day after, and didn't go into the hateful voice mails but just said their sorry but in a much better way. Would that have redeemed my respect for them, at all? I can't really know, however, I can't say it would have hurt. It probably would have redeemed a little respect, especially if he had said something along the lines of... "You know, I was out of control, I had been up for days and wasn't thinking straight - and I know now that I have a drug problem, and I abuse drugs because I was sexually abused as a kid and I still struggle with wanting to live" (he had previously attempted suicide by jumping in front of an SUV in a 25 mph zone)... and if he had gone into the reasons why he had decided it was a good idea to try burglarizing my apartment, then his apology would have gotten through to me a lot more than it did. His apology letter had nothing like that in it. It's important to remember that people like me are going to want to know why someone so close to them in their lives would resort to stealing/burglarizing, and merely getting an "I'm sorry" without the reason, is essentially not going to do much. It goes a long way to get out your entire reasoning, even if you're crying so hard when you're saying your reasons that you can barely talk, it'll still help for them to realize why you did it.
Yeah, I want to share a personal story to reiterate why I believe my advice is sound and the best available advice.
If people catch onto the fact that you are stealing from them, and you don't confess before they realize this, they will lose all respect for you. I had a "friend" (someone I used to consider a friend, but I am now totally indifferent to them) who had a short history of liking to steal. It started with stealing drugs that they had given away as a gift, to someone I was living with. I wouldn't have discovered this if my other roommate didn't happen to be here and notice they did this. When confronted, they burst out in tears and apologized a lot. I couldn't tell if they were being genuine at the time. I realize in retrospect it's all a part of their borderline personality disorder and that they likely did not feel any remorse for stealing. If they felt bad while crying it was likely due to the reasons why they had become a thieving drug addict; that being childhood sexual abuse.
Anyways, fast forward a little bit... the same person would be looking around my apartment looking for things to take, and when I'd notice them do this, I'd basically tell them to stop and I'd keep my eye on them.
I made a horrible mistake of trading some of my drugs with this person. You see, this kind of person had this idea that they were not addicted to their own prescriptions (Adderall and benzos). Well, they were. They also had this idea that offering a large amount of one or both for a single dosage of the drug I was trading them for (Suboxone) was a good idea. They also seemed to think that after they would run out of the rest of their Adderall and benzos, I would be up for the idea of giving him back what he had traded me. Of course like any sane person, I did not, and this obviously frustrated them. Within a short period of time, let's say weeks not months - they got to the point where they were able and willing to steal (in this instance, a USB 2 gigabyte drive at a value of $40) in order to receive again, a single dosage of Suboxone. I didn't think twice about it at the time, since the people who own Walmart are billionaires, and I really wanted this USB drive. Unfortunately I believe I have misplaced it/lost it, what a shame. Nonetheless... after this point, they realized that they were addicted to their own prescriptions, they would only pay for Suboxone. They quickly ran out of money, and still hopelessly addicted to their prescriptions (they would literally go through an entire month's worth of both Adderall and benzos in less than one week - sometimes as little as 3 days) they became increasingly unstable. After some time had moved forward, one day he shows up at my apartment and knocks on the door. I was literally on my way out to a club, was already dressed and everything, so I didn't answer the door as I didn't have time to hang out - and I make a point to not allow people to just show up at my apartment, as that is incredibly rude and sketchy.
The next time I heard anything from him, he was trying to break into my apartment. When we didn't open the door for him, he then went around to the back of our apartment (we were on the 2nd floor in this building), and our apartment had a balcony. He literally used his at-the-time pregnant girlfriend as a ladder, climbed onto her shoulders, just to climb up onto our balcony. He then tried to get through the balcony door, which didn't happen. He then started to threaten to call the cops on us.
Now, I don't know what faulty logic would prompt one to decide, "I'm going to threaten calling the cops on Captain!" while committing a felony against me... but I can now tell it was probably not logical at all, and all an emotional trainwreck fueled by amphetamine psychosis and a general lack of eating and sleeping.
Long story short, because of this event, I lost 100% respect for this person, and am totally indifferent to their existence. In fact, their life has only gone downhill since this happened to them.
Oh, but you're probably wondering, what happened? Well, after he did this (he sent the threat via text too, keep this in mind) I decided to call the cops myself. Not because I felt threatened by what he was doing, because I could have kicked his ass into a bloody pulp, but because I didn't want to kick his ass, and since he brought up the cops, I figured, all right fucker, choke on your own bluff! (Protip # 7493: Never bluff the Captain, he'll call you on it!)
The cops came, and escorted him and his at-the-time pregnant off the property. I then informed my landlord that they were not allowed back, and told them everything that happened, and they received a letter in the mail warning them never to come back, and if they did, and anyone in my neighborhood saw him even for a second, the cops would be called, and even if he left before the cops would get there, they would go to his house to arrest him.
The rest of the story is less exciting; they never came back (obviously too scared to go to jail). The girl ended up having her baby prematurely as she smoked cigarettes the entire way through her pregnancy (this girl was the epitome of ignorant white trash, and I was honestly surprised she wasn't a crack whore because she had a crack whore look about her), she got him into smoking cigarettes (which he is still doing to this day), they consequentially broke up, and he also lost custody of his son because he's a monumental fuck up and a drug addict.
He then went to jail for two separate occasions, the first jail stint he was beaten up (he was the kind of person who couldn't step foot into a jail without making people want to beat him up; people with Borderline Personality Disorder wouldn't stand a chance in jail) - and now he's on probation, and if he is using drugs he's not prescribed or gets into trouble with anything else, he'll be going straight to jail.
I also wanted to point out that this kid also stole his parents' pills, but not only did he do that, he ruined the kitchen cabinets (which cost several hundred dollars to install) which were locked, just to steal a single bottle of 1mg Ativan tablets (which probably cost less than a dollar with insurance covering the rest).
I hope reading this post has made you feel better about your situation, because while you may be stealing your dad's pills, I doubt you would destroy hundreds of dollars of worth of the house just to get to a bottle of pills. I mean, who knows, maybe you are, but it is up to you to do what's right.
Trust me when I say retaining the trust and respect of your friends and family is worth so much more than a cheap bottle of pills. So much more.
Mr. Flowers, the difference between this guy and you, is that the guy I just finished typing about - never apologized to me. Never. Well, he did call and left a short series of voice mails over the course of one hour, which began with sobbing and apologizing, and then another sobbing+apologizing one, then an angry one for me not picking up for him, and then one that got 100% angry and cussing me out for not picking up (over the course of less than an hour!!!), and then a final voice mail apologizing for getting angry but still sounding very frustrated for not picking up.
But yeah, I never got a sincere apology. By the time he could have apologized in a meaningful way, he had essentially forgotten about the entire thing. I say essentially because I'm sure he remembers bits and pieces of it, but not the important parts (that what he did was wrong and inexcusable).
It's important to apologize in a meaningful way when it counts.
A+; also, try not to let the guilt consume you to the point where you're going to get anxious and then you'll feel compelled to take benzos.
I would remember how the guilt feels like, but to move past it, to a feeling of pride that you don't do that anymore.
Also, it is important to remember how YOU would feel if your dad stole YOUR prescriptions (I'm sure he wouldn't), but put yourself in that position. Obviously you know how I felt in the story I typed out... and trust me, if someone stole your pills, not only would you have withdrawals and your pain/anxiety issues, but you would have the severe frustration of knowing you could have medical relief and instead someone stole them to get high.
It sounds like in your original post Mr. Flowers that you don't want to steal, and that you recognize it's not right to do. That's a HUGE first step. The person I typed this story out about, obviously didn't get that it was bad, and if he did, it was way, way too late to apologize in a meaningful way.
Oh, and actually, he did write an apology letter at one point, so that the next time I saw him like many months later, he had written out his apology but it literally read like someone in the 5th grade wrote it, and he didn't exactly apologize like "I'm sorry for X, Y, and Z, this is why X happened, this is why X led to Y, and this is why I did Z and I am so sorry", it read more like "I miss hanging out with you and I don't know what I did but I can change!" = the general gist of it. I wish I would have saved the letter as an example of what not to do in an apology letter, but nonetheless, the general gist is here.
One last paragraph; I promise. Let's say this person I wrote this entire story about, had legitimately apologized the day after, and didn't go into the hateful voice mails but just said their sorry but in a much better way. Would that have redeemed my respect for them, at all? I can't really know, however, I can't say it would have hurt. It probably would have redeemed a little respect, especially if he had said something along the lines of... "You know, I was out of control, I had been up for days and wasn't thinking straight - and I know now that I have a drug problem, and I abuse drugs because I was sexually abused as a kid and I still struggle with wanting to live" (he had previously attempted suicide by jumping in front of an SUV in a 25 mph zone)... and if he had gone into the reasons why he had decided it was a good idea to try burglarizing my apartment, then his apology would have gotten through to me a lot more than it did. His apology letter had nothing like that in it. It's important to remember that people like me are going to want to know why someone so close to them in their lives would resort to stealing/burglarizing, and merely getting an "I'm sorry" without the reason, is essentially not going to do much. It goes a long way to get out your entire reasoning, even if you're crying so hard when you're saying your reasons that you can barely talk, it'll still help for them to realize why you did it.
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Nice but sad story Captain. On theft I can relate to that. I am a pathological gambler & when I was broke I asked my twin brother for some money so I could buy lunch. He had none but gave me his ATM card & told me to take $100 out. I took $1000 & gambled it in 20 minutes. We worked for the same company & I went back to his office shut the door & broke down crying as I am not a thief by nature. I confessed everything to him & he hugged me & gave me a kiss telling me that no matter what he loved me & would do anything to help me. Mr Flowers I am sure your father is like that & if you get honest with him he will appreciate it in the long term & may end up trusting you more because you showed humility & honesty which is not easy.
Good luck with it all & hopefully you can find peace in doing what is right for you at this stage in your life.
Good luck with it all & hopefully you can find peace in doing what is right for you at this stage in your life.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Wow, that's incredible that he was so supportive. $1000 is hard to come by for me, I don't know if I could have done the same thing. You're incredibly lucky to have such a loving brother to have been 100% supportive and loving about that despite what happened.
What happened? Did you eventually get help and pay him back? I'm really interested now that you started telling your story!
Wow, that's incredible that he was so supportive. $1000 is hard to come by for me, I don't know if I could have done the same thing. You're incredibly lucky to have such a loving brother to have been 100% supportive and loving about that despite what happened.
What happened? Did you eventually get help and pay him back? I'm really interested now that you started telling your story!
I apologise in advance is this is considered off topic but hopefully it helps Mr Flowers & Capt has requested my tale of implosion.........
When I turned 18 I was a normal guy. Liked a drink & smoked bongs like a champion. It started off as a few beers at the pub & a punt on the pokies/slots. Over time I spent longer & longer playing & would have to be dragged back to drink with the boys.
At 21 I lost my best friend who has just turned 18. He was like my 6'6" "little" brother from another mother. We were both mad gamblers & that fateful Thursday night I was broke so I did not go out drinking with Ray. He ended up hitting a telegraph pole at 170kmh + & died. I came home on the Friday & there was 10 or so mates cars outside my place which was not unusual being a twin & knew everyone. When I found out I collapsed & did not cry (I never have to this day) but was shattered. I had to give the eulogy at his funeral & I saw his open coffin before the funeral with his family. I kissed him goodbye & I have never drunk drove since & seeing a guy who was so full of life smashed beyond comprehension was devastating.
After that I started to drink even heavier & my gambling really spiralled out of control. I would enter the club through a side door that lead directly to the pokies so I would not see any mates who may stop me. I ended up in hospital & was told if I did not stop drinking I would be dead by 30 at best (I had bleeding duodenal ulcers from my drinking).
Before long I could not afford to drink & drug as that took money from gambling. Now when I gambled I would get legit bellringers when I would play. That is how much dompamine would be released into my system. I could gamble for 2-3 days straight without using drugs just running on insanity. I started to withdraw into myself & shut out the rest of the world. No one knew how bad it was I was just known as a heavy punter & in Australia a real man likes a drink & bet.
I tried handing over control of my finances to my dad but more than once I would creep into their house at 3.00am sneak into my parents room & steal my ATM card from next to my dads bedside draws. Then I would withdraw the max amount & put the card back (what a rush being a foot away from my sleeping dad going through his draws to find my card).
At 25 I finally broke & tried GA for the first time. I heard the word God & left to continue my research. Things went rapidly downhill from that point. One day I might have $15K in cash on me & the next nothing. I was a successful horse, greyhound & sports gambler but that was to fund the pokies. One low point I held a kitchen knife to my throat in front of my parents who were terrified & informed them if they did not give me money then I would kill myself & whilst I would be dead & gone they would have to live with the image of me killing myself in front of them & that they would blame themselves for "killing me". Needless to say I got the money & crisis averted 8(. I lived on free pub snacks & free cereal at work as I could not afford to eat.
I was a compulsive liar & could justify anything I did so long as it resulted in me getting the action I needed. As an guy who was on the edge of insanity I plucked up the courage to ask a workmates sister out for a drink. We had a drink & I excused myself to use the toilet. Needless to say I disappeared to gamble for 2 hours & was furious to find she had left me a note on a napkin saying I was a cunt & if I did not like her I could have told her instead of running away! To deal with those feelings I went on a frenzy of destruction like no other. There were suicide attempts during those years but i was so pathetic I could not manage to even kill myself properly
.Things came to a head during Christmas 2007 when I broke down crying during Christmas dinner. My father calmed me down & asked what was wrong. I confessed everything & told him it was the end of the line for me & I was going to kill myself. Dad calmly told me that if I wanted to die then that was my choice but there are a lot of people who love me & I should give GA or anything another go before killing myself & if I still can't deal with it then he would try to understand why I killed myself.
I drove home on Boxing day & ended up gambling within 10 minutes of leaving their place. I then went home & cried for a good 2 hours & I mean cried like I never have before or since. The next day I gave GA another chance........
Walking through those doors was humiliating to say the least. This applies to any 12 step fellowship but it takes great courage to admit you are not perfect. I was warmly welcomed & saw hope for the hopelesss in those rooms. I walked out feeling good & positive, I gambled the next morning
. I went back that night. Recovery has been a daily struggle & has been extremely confronting where I have had to address all my character defects truthfully. I was physically sick for months afterwards & lived in a state between sheer terror & mild panic. I don't care if they say it is not physically addictive it certainly was for me & I rate it similar to a benzo withdrawal but possibly longer.
I lasted from 07/01/08 until 05/06/08 & then bought a lotto ticket. Instant insanity & that night I was chairing a meeting. I stood up in front of 30 people & confessed what I had done resigning as secretary on the spot. That was my last bet & my "birthday" is D-Day
. I intend on keeping it that way provided I live a honest life.My brother refused the money I offered to pay him back because according to him "money can't replace the gift of having a twin brother who is alive". I put as much effort & energy into my recovery as I did to gamble. If that meant a 3 hour round trip to get to a meeting then so fucking what. Unlike GA & NA I was lucky to have one meeting I could attend a day in Sydney whereas NA & AA have dozens of meetings all over Sydney daily.
I spent a lot of time doing early rehab work as I had the trifecta of addictions. It is not easy speaking to people who are only hours off ice/heroin/alcohol but I found that they all listened to what I had to say because I had walked a mile in their shoes & understood the insanity they live.
Sorry for this being a longwinded post but I will finish with what one of my mates said to me (he was an alcoholic, heroin addict & gambler). "When I was shooting I could use X amount per day before I would pass out. I could drink X amount of booze before I would be unconscious. That X amount would be less than I would punt on a single horse race". He also along with many others rates gambling as the worst of all addictions because of the combination of psychological & financial damage that can be done in a short amount of time. I would never minimise any addiction but when guys who were users for 20+ years tell me something I listen up good.
In short get honest with yourself & then you can be honest with everyone else.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Oh man, that is so horrible.
When I was a super irresponsible 16 year old (I blame this type of impulsive behavior of mine on ADHD)... I definitely drove a car 100mph (105mph = 170kmh), and only after I grew up a little bit did I truly understand that one bump in the road, a tire bursting, or a slip of a hand could have caused an instantaneous death (or worse, a slow and painfully drawn out death). I wasn't drunk at the time but that doesn't matter, driving that fast is inherently very dangerous no matter what you are or are not on. I am so sorry for your loss.
After that I started to drink even heavier & my gambling really spiralled out of control. I would enter the club through a side door that lead directly to the pokies so I would not see any mates who may stop me. I ended up in hospital & was told if I did not stop drinking I would be dead by 30 at best (I had bleeding duodenal ulcers from my drinking).
Before long I could not afford to drink & drug as that took money from gambling. Now when I gambled I would get legit bellringers when I would play. That is how much dompamine would be released into my system. I could gamble for 2-3 days straight without using drugs just running on insanity. I started to withdraw into myself & shut out the rest of the world. No one knew how bad it was I was just known as a heavy punter & in Australia a real man likes a drink & bet.
I tried handing over control of my finances to my dad but more than once I would creep into their house at 3.00am sneak into my parents room & steal my ATM card from next to my dads bedside draws. Then I would withdraw the max amount & put the card back (what a rush being a foot away from my sleeping dad going through his draws to find my card).
At 25 I finally broke & tried GA for the first time. I heard the word God & left to continue my research. Things went rapidly downhill from that point. One day I might have $15K in cash on me & the next nothing. I was a successful horse, greyhound & sports gambler but that was to fund the pokies. One low point I held a kitchen knife to my throat in front of my parents who were terrified & informed them if they did not give me money then I would kill myself & whilst I would be dead & gone they would have to live with the image of me killing myself in front of them & that they would blame themselves for "killing me". Needless to say I got the money & crisis averted 8(. I lived on free pub snacks & free cereal at work as I could not afford to eat.
I was a compulsive liar & could justify anything I did so long as it resulted in me getting the action I needed. As an guy who was on the edge of insanity I plucked up the courage to ask a workmates sister out for a drink. We had a drink & I excused myself to use the toilet. Needless to say I disappeared to gamble for 2 hours & was furious to find she had left me a note on a napkin saying I was a cunt & if I did not like her I could have told her instead of running away! To deal with those feelings I went on a frenzy of destruction like no other. There were suicide attempts during those years but i was so pathetic I could not manage to even kill myself properly
Things came to a head during Christmas 2007 when I broke down crying during Christmas dinner. My father calmed me down & asked what was wrong. I confessed everything & told him it was the end of the line for me & I was going to kill myself. Dad calmly told me that if I wanted to die then that was my choice but there are a lot of people who love me & I should give GA or anything another go before killing myself & if I still can't deal with it then he would try to understand why I killed myself.
I drove home on Boxing day & ended up gambling within 10 minutes of leaving their place. I then went home & cried for a good 2 hours & I mean cried like I never have before or since. The next day I gave GA another chance........
Walking through those doors was humiliating to say the least. This applies to any 12 step fellowship but it takes great courage to admit you are not perfect. I was warmly welcomed & saw hope for the hopelesss in those rooms. I walked out feeling good & positive, I gambled the next morning
Recovery has been a daily struggle & has been extremely confronting where I have had to address all my character defects truthfully. I was physically sick for months afterwards & lived in a state between sheer terror & mild panic. I don't care if they say it is not physically addictive it certainly was for me & I rate it similar to a benzo withdrawal but possibly longer.
I lasted from 07/01/08 until 05/06/08 & then bought a lotto ticket. Instant insanity & that night I was chairing a meeting. I stood up in front of 30 people & confessed what I had done resigning as secretary on the spot. That was my last bet & my "birthday" is D-Day
My brother refused the money I offered to pay him back because according to him "money can't replace the gift of having a twin brother who is alive". I put as much effort & energy into my recovery as I did to gamble. If that meant a 3 hour round trip to get to a meeting then so fucking what. Unlike GA & NA I was lucky to have one meeting I could attend a day in Sydney whereas NA & AA have dozens of meetings all over Sydney daily.
I spent a lot of time doing early rehab work as I had the trifecta of addictions. It is not easy speaking to people who are only hours off ice/heroin/alcohol but I found that they all listened to what I had to say because I had walked a mile in their shoes & understood the insanity they live.
Sorry for this being a longwinded post but I will finish with what one of my mates said to me (he was an alcoholic, heroin addict & gambler). "When I was shooting I could use X amount per day before I would pass out. I could drink X amount of booze before I would be unconscious. That X amount would be less than I would punt on a single horse race". He also along with many others rates gambling as the worst of all addictions because of the combination of psychological & financial damage that can be done in a short amount of time. I would never minimise any addiction but when guys who were users for 20+ years tell me something I listen up good.
In short get honest with yourself & then you can be honest with everyone else.
I believe you when you say you were getting bell ringers from gambling; the way the brain releases endogenous neurochemicals when gambling is very, very similar to drug use. The brain can become addicted to it just the same; and for some it's more enticing than drug use, as you don't have to put drugs/a needle/a pipe/whatever into your body. And I guess the "rush" of actually winning money (if/when you do win) is like a monetary incentive to keep on doing it, whereas drugs cost a considerable amount of money. I only say this because so many drug users laugh at the idea of a gambling addict, but it really is just like a drug in terms of the neurological wiring of our brains.
You also talked about a side door you entered so your friends couldn't see you about to go gamble; it makes me sad to think they probably constructed that door just to enable people to gamble who would have otherwise been stopped by friends/family.
I am also amazed your parents gave you money when you were threatening to kill yourself... I can only imagine how stressful that was for them. I'm sure in hindsight the way you were thinking then is like totally different to the way you think now though.
I don't think you are pathetic for not having committed suicide; I think most of the time, failed suicide attempts are desperate cries for help, whether the person doing it consciously realizes it or not (referring above to the person I described who jumped in front of an SUV in a 25 mph zone...I don't even think he broke a bone!) - I'd think you are brave for trying to ask for help in your own cryptic way.
The classical 2 hours going by in a blink of an eye is definitely a sign of an addiction, and I can imagine how you felt when you went back to check on your date only to find she thought you didn't like her because you disappeared for 2 hours. I'm sure that made you feel ashamed about gambling and that just probably made you want to dive even deeper into the gambling, to avoid the shame, as the gambling was producing all the good sensations your mind required to keep subsisting, sadly enough. I'm sure you know that now. Did you ever get a chance to tell her that it wasn't her, but that you were addicted to gambling and you wouldn't have ditched her if you didn't have a gambling problem? I think if you explained her this entire story she would be very empathetic.
I am also amazed that your dad said you should give GA another go since your family and friends love you, and if it didn't work out, he would try to understand why you did what you did. You have an amazing dad.
you said your gambling sobriety lasted from july to may of the same year, you mean may to july of the same year, right?
I can believe you had withdrawal like symptoms from quitting gambling. I wouldn't call it a physical withdrawal, but I would say that you used gambling in a medicinal way to suppress the dysphoria and horror/trauma of what you went through watching your best friend die so tragically. Having to give up your most efficient coping mechanism and face all of that is really hard. The feelings you can have, mentally and physically, from confronting something that strong while at the same time giving up your most efficient coping mechanism, is really devastating to your soul and very challenging, but not impossible, to complete.
I am also 100% amazed your brother didn't even want to be paid back!!! You should SO put that money in a cash deposit, or some form of savings so that you can't touch it, save it for when your twin brother needs it, if he ever does, so that you can be there for him too if he'll ever need it.
Your story was SO heartwarming man! You have an amazing family to have stood by you so thoroughly and have loved you so much. People without addiction problems sometimes have a hard time understanding addictions, but it sounds like they understood enough to still love and support you 100%.
Thanks for sharing!
If you are still at a point in your recovery where you are struggling at all, you can always PM me! The only advice I can give you is to talk about how you lost your best friend, because (yea, I'm a psychology major
) that it was the major trauma which led to all of this for you. I mean yeah, some people just start gambling and get addicted to the feel good sensation of winning money, but often times people are subconsciously always looking for a "fix" when they have severe traumas they face. It happens to too many people who have been abused or undergone trauma of any kind.Oh man, that is so horrible.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I feel guilt because I could have "stopped" him. The reality is I would have ridden shotgun I died too but I understand we are mere mortals.
It was never the rush but the staying in action that counted for me. The more I bet the more of a rush I would get but that was not from winning but the thrill of if I don't win something I can't pay the rent etc....
You also talked about a side door you entered so your friends couldn't see you about to go gamble; it makes me sad to think they probably constructed that door just to enable people to gamble who would have otherwise been stopped by friends/family.
Where I live they carefully plan the rooms so they are always in a twilight, have no windows or clocks etc. Anything to keep you there as long as possible. Within 10 minutes walk from my apartment I have at least 10 gaming establishments & 2 are less than a minute away.
No mine were carefully planned so that I would have a 24-48 hour window before I would be found. They were not cries for help but I could see no other way out of the disaster zone my life had become. I am grateful I was a failure at that, extremely grateful
That was just one example & I have plenty of others. I had a woman who was super cool & she straight asked me if I had a problem. I told her I sure did but hey you get used to it in time. She explained that it was best of we did not see each other socially anymore & I sure showed her! We are still friends & no one was happeir than me when she got married last year.
I am also amazed that your dad said you should give GA another go since your family and friends love you, and if it didn't work out, he would try to understand why you did what you did. You have an amazing dad.
My parents are the best ever. They try not to judge & just want to see me happy in life. My parents are so cool my mates still drop in to see them if they are in the area even though I live 1000ks away from them these days.
Sorry I used the Aussie dates. I lasted from January-June 08 & then June 08-today. Nearly 5 years so I am rightfully proud of that achievement.
I am also 100% amazed your brother didn't even want to be paid back!!! You should SO put that money in a cash deposit, or some form of savings so that you can't touch it, save it for when your twin brother needs it, if he ever does, so that you can be there for him too if he'll ever need it.
Going to put a savings account together for his daughter as a surprise for him. Then again he is the guy who gave a large sum of money to another friend to pay a drug debt. That same friend was notorious for ripping anyone off & if they did not like it he would break their jaw. My bro was paid back within 24 hours so he has the respect of everyone he knows.
Your story was SO heartwarming man! You have an amazing family to have stood by you so thoroughly and have loved you so much. People without addiction problems sometimes have a hard time understanding addictions, but it sounds like they understood enough to still love and support you 100%.
Thanks for sharing!
My Grandmother was a alcoholic constantly in rehab, my dad is an alcoholic but is one of those ones who does not drink before 5 & then has a couple bottles of wine & beers. An alky in complete control as he can stop when he likes but as he says "I love a drink or 20".
No problem sharing. It was a bit painful revisiting some things but if it helps one person then my job is done
. I have found that a lot of people have multiple addictions & gambling is a increasingly common one in Australia.If you are still at a point in your recovery where you are struggling at all, you can always PM me! The only advice I can give you is to talk about how you lost your best friend, because (yea, I'm a psychology major
I have a wonderful sponsor who is understanding & supportive but calls me on my bullshit. We may live in different states but he was in town for one day & made sure to see me for dinner last night. I must be doing alright if I have been invited to his wedding with his extended family!
What I have is the disease of addiction. It manifests itself in many different forms. When I stopped gambling I would sit on the couch & drop 5 pills & fly off to Mars ever weekend or snort coke til I thought I would have a stroke. That is what I have to be careful of swapping the witch for the bitch especially benzos & mild opies like PST. I am also a solitary drug user as I prefer to get fucked up by myself rather than with others.
Anyway life is good today & my proudest moment was when I got a bill & paid it that very day rather than hope it will magically go away. The smallest achievement can be the biggest victory. A day at a time was too difficult so I did it 10 minutes at a time. If I still feel like gambling in 10 minutes then I could. I kept telling myself that & as they say "it too shall pass". Minutes become hours, hours become days, days become weeks, weeks become months, months become years.
Anyone struggling with any addiction should break it down to a manageable level & if that means one minute blocks of time then so be it.
I should also say thank you captain for listening & not being judgemental about gambling. It is every bit as serious as any other addiction just a bit different. Recovery is proportionate to the amount of effort you put in. If you put as much into recovery as your addiction then you will go far. Do a 1/2 arsed job & you will relapse nothing is surer.
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