D
d1z_rizzla
Guest
Please move to TDS
The past 3 years of my life have held some of the more memorable times, but also have been the most challenging and difficult times I could have ever imagined.
I'm at risk of going to jail for an unknown period (could be up to a year). I have had ongoing legal issues, so have not been able to hold any form of steady job or existence without being petrified of what the future holds. Members of my family have deserted me because of this and I now only remain close with my mother. I have just spent Easter alone. I have a future ahead of me of steep legal fees that I will be paying off, and I'm only in my early twenties.
I have fucked up my life majorly - I had a normal life, a degree, was in a new city and it all came tumbling down and here I stand - 2010 - a new year, where friends and those around me are moving forward, while I am stuck in a rut, determined by dates and uncertainties.
I don't wish to hear of those who I was once close as their success only highlights my failures. I am back in the town which I grew up, and loathed for years, only to be beckoned back due to my failure.
I dont wish to be asked what I did to be facing what I am. It has happened, and I have dealt with it, now I have to accept all possible consequences.
I don't know how I have stayed this strong for so long. I have been seeing a counselor throughout this time which has helped, but at times I just feel so low that any positive outlook seems futile and that there is no escape to this.
I use cannabis and alcohol, mostly every day. I have also dabbled in harder drugs of late due to this instance - shrooms, coke and e recreationally.
Nothing is exciting me anymore. I have no motivation or drive in my life. As I draw closer to what I know is probably going to be a more difficult reality, I am really struggling to stay afloat.
I want to live in the moment and keep my mind occupied, but I feel that drug use is not an option that works for me anymore. I am scared that I have harmed myself by my abuse and sometimes feel it is too late to change. I feel sorry for my brain and my body and wish the stress in my life would dissolve so I can continue untainted by these horrible feelings and habbits.
This has turned out to be long - and I thank those who have read this. It is something I really need to get off my chest to remain sane this Easter Sunday. Hopefully someone out there can give me some hope or guidance, but having written this out has been beneficial I feel. I know we all struggle and learn in different ways, but I just hope I can hang on long enough to beat the beast I am currently facing - much easier said than done - but right now, making it through till Christmas seems like a major miracle.
The past 3 years of my life have held some of the more memorable times, but also have been the most challenging and difficult times I could have ever imagined.
I'm at risk of going to jail for an unknown period (could be up to a year). I have had ongoing legal issues, so have not been able to hold any form of steady job or existence without being petrified of what the future holds. Members of my family have deserted me because of this and I now only remain close with my mother. I have just spent Easter alone. I have a future ahead of me of steep legal fees that I will be paying off, and I'm only in my early twenties.
I have fucked up my life majorly - I had a normal life, a degree, was in a new city and it all came tumbling down and here I stand - 2010 - a new year, where friends and those around me are moving forward, while I am stuck in a rut, determined by dates and uncertainties.
I don't wish to hear of those who I was once close as their success only highlights my failures. I am back in the town which I grew up, and loathed for years, only to be beckoned back due to my failure.
I dont wish to be asked what I did to be facing what I am. It has happened, and I have dealt with it, now I have to accept all possible consequences.
I don't know how I have stayed this strong for so long. I have been seeing a counselor throughout this time which has helped, but at times I just feel so low that any positive outlook seems futile and that there is no escape to this.
I use cannabis and alcohol, mostly every day. I have also dabbled in harder drugs of late due to this instance - shrooms, coke and e recreationally.
Nothing is exciting me anymore. I have no motivation or drive in my life. As I draw closer to what I know is probably going to be a more difficult reality, I am really struggling to stay afloat.
I want to live in the moment and keep my mind occupied, but I feel that drug use is not an option that works for me anymore. I am scared that I have harmed myself by my abuse and sometimes feel it is too late to change. I feel sorry for my brain and my body and wish the stress in my life would dissolve so I can continue untainted by these horrible feelings and habbits.
This has turned out to be long - and I thank those who have read this. It is something I really need to get off my chest to remain sane this Easter Sunday. Hopefully someone out there can give me some hope or guidance, but having written this out has been beneficial I feel. I know we all struggle and learn in different ways, but I just hope I can hang on long enough to beat the beast I am currently facing - much easier said than done - but right now, making it through till Christmas seems like a major miracle.
