Starting over

[Radtastastic]

I posted before my medical struggle.
I need to post where I am now.
I returned from a trip with my child. For sake of anonymity shes young. Its a magical place which I saved up for.
Knowledge, education and clean time failed to save my recovery. I spent 4 days glued to toilet seat trying to get balloons I swallowed out.
Rock bottom can vary. Theres no "high" and "low" just when we have had enough. The tragedy is weeping in "the happiest place on earth" unable to care for my child in a WHEELCHAIR may not be it. Going through my own feces, praying I passed balloons may not be enough.
For my sobriety peeps my head is lying and I can't stop. I feel self righteous, justified because I went to behavior based upon a faulty medical system.
Heres my truth- I am drowning and terrified. Hiding behind degrees. Chronic illness. Grief. Fear.
My child's gone for a week now (unexpected). I have proven, again my addiction may have had seven years respite but I picked back up like I never stopped. Overnight my addiction was worse than ever before. Different substances- same disease.
My fellow big ego low self esteem ones, I need you. I won't go to a meeting or treatment knowing I have all to lose (please don't ask about this part).
I need to know the safest support groups. I need to hear others stories about knowing it should be bottom but wasn't. Getting back up after years clean. Again.
Dealing with untreated chronic illness. I know we aren't supposed to get clean for others but I always did and eventually I cared about ME.
I have ultimately given up on me. I am not posting anonymous because I need you. Thanks for showing up another day and reading this.
*not looking for pitty or tough love. Truth.

 

[Stargazer]

Hey Rad:

First, Im sorry you're going through this. I believe its unnecessary to beat you to death w the guilt bat. You've got that covered.

If you were my friend IRL, I would put my arms around you and rock you while re-assuring you that I know for a fact this can be overcome and that relaspe happens. In fact, I know someone that was clean 35yrs and relasped 2yrs ago and still hasnt stopped. So yeah-such is life. It happens to the best of us.

I was clean for 1.5yrs and started chipping over a yr ago-using a few times a month. And I too was (am) outraged at myself at times.

I also know that guilting and shaming myself is counterproductive. My ego isnt as big as you've stated yours is. Im humbled by my eperiences. My detoxes (2 to the bitter end) were super-dramatic w seizures and hallucinations. My sobriety was hard won.

So when I use I always ask myself wtf is wrong w me. I had a raging heroin habit and was on 300mg of prescribed morphine per day. My tolerance was ridiculous.

You can and will stop. Its not going to be easy-thats the way it goes. A couple of us here are currently detoxing. I feel horrible-Im starting day 6 of not using. Again. But I believe as Simco once said to me -that each time Im praticing to be totally free. I believe that.

Your ego has no place in this- you were trying to shit out baloons. We all have stories. And thats fine.

You can do this Rad. You really can. We're here for you.

 

[mr peabody]

Sorry for your troubles. Maybe have a look here:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/823455-Ibogaine-and-opiates-opioids

 

[Mafioso]

Hey Rad, sounds like you are in a very tough place. I am sorry to hear about your relapse, I know it can't be easy.

I was in a similar position, saying that I would never go to rehab because I would lose everything I had spent that last 10 years working towards even though I desperately wanted help. I refused to go to meetings because I don't believe in god and hate that the 12 steps are based around god. I thought it would be pointless to go to meetings because I was so high all the time and deemed rehab and counseling too expensive.

Long story short, because of my drug use I ended up losing everything I was avoiding treatment to keep and wound up having to serve time in jail and still have pending charges.

I've come to understand that nearly everyone who uses drugs addictively uses them to cover up an underlying emotional issue or disorder. Be it past trauma, abusive childhood or relationships, low self esteem, suicidal thoughts or tendencies... the list goes on and the drug use varies wildly, but I still have yet to meet an addict who uses because they are super happy and content with life. There are many who suffer from addiction who would be considered successful by society standards- it doesn't mean they don't feel empty inside or feel like something is missing.

Although there is a definite stigma towards drug abuse, chances are that if you seek treatment and risk exposure it will be easier for others to accept and understand than if you are exposed because of your drug use and lose whatever it is you are trying to hold onto and are forced into treatment, or go to treatment with the intention of getting back what was lost.

You say your disease is worse than ever before but you are afraid to seek treatment because what you may lose... my question is how long do you think you will be able to hold on to whatever it is while your disease festers and takes over your life?

You sound like you are in a bad place and are not happy about it... how much longer do you think you can hold on before your addiction takes complete control if it hasn't already? Do you think you will be able to hold on while your addiction gets worse?

I agree that there is no real rock bottom... shit can always get worse. There is always more to lose until you no longer have a life to lose. We decide how low rock bottom is, and it will always get worse until you address the problem and manage the illness.

The truth is, whether you seek help or not you risk losing everything because of the disease and nature of addiction. You may lose a career or whatever it may be by checking into an inpatient program but if you are sober you will be in a better position to take advantage of new opportunities. If you lose everything except for your addiction then imagine trying to start from scratch...

 

[Jabberwocky]

OP, I highly recommend you read a book called Radical Acceptance, by Tara Brach I think is her name. Amazing book. I'm rereading it for school for like the third time. It still blows my fucking mind. Really a must for anyone like you or I who clearly struggles with self-loathing and shame associated with what we have been through.

Sending you a lot of !