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Starting all over again......

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Lemon_Electric

Bluelighter
Joined
May 9, 2002
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448
Location
London
Today is the 1st day of the rest of my life.........cliche I know. On the 3rd Of July 1995 my world fell apart. At 9.30am x-actly I received a phone call to say my Father had died. From that day on I dont remember a day where I have been truely happy!!I've had false highs but more so, a very real low. Today it has to stop. I've was diagnosed with clinical depression in April and it has been ruling my life for far too long. I came off my tablets after 3 moths because my BF didn't approve and today I've crashed!! I am lower now than I think I've ever been and the easy way out is, well......all too easy. But NO, I have just got of the phone to my doctor who I will see at 4.30 this afternoon to go back on the pills and start taking control of my life. As it stands, there is no light at the end of the tunnel but some thing inside is telling me eventually I'll turn the last corner and things will change. I will be happy again!
even now as I'm sitting here typing this and crying, I keep telling myself what I'm typing is true, yet, I dont believe it but the easy way out is still not the way for me.
I think I have been looking to other people to find my happiness when really I should have been looking to myself for all the answers. I dont know what they are though.
I seem to have forgotten who I am.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. doesn't matter what that life is though, cause it will be mine!!!!!
wish me luck!!!
Clo
XX
 
may you be blessed in all your ways. my husband lost his father two years ago. it has been so hard on him. it has defintly changed him. his mother never really came out of it and now hes got to worry about her too. please try to live your life with happiness and pursuing the things that you want to do. you know that your father would be sad if he knew you werent doing things or being happy because of him. this is your life, now. you have to make the most of it.
bless you again.
 
Thanks beanergrl it's positive replies like yours that I need right now, thank you!!
just need to stop crying so I can leave the frigg'in house!!!
*smile*
 
Lemon_Electric...you got it :)
Today is the first day of the rest of my life. doesn't matter what that life is though, cause it will be mine!!!!!
 
Moved out of BF's at the weekend, first decision I made based on how I was feeling rather than feeling so responsible for other peoples feelings!
I feel good!
 
^^^ I think that's amazing. I truly have respect for you. :)
You have had an awful life experience, gone to the depths of despair and obviously emerged with a deeper courage and strength of character. Look at what you've done... instead of give in to the easy way, you picked up the phone to your doctor. Instead of remaining a victim, you've taken control of your life and left an unhealthy living situation.
Awesome, girl.
Somewhere inside you now you have a light which says "no I will NOT be beaten. Damn it, I will survive"; and despite the pain you've gone through, that's a very very special thing you've gained out of all this.
I think your father would be proud :) xox
 
I have nothing but respect for you and well wishes. You have looked despair in the face and made a conscious decision to not let it get you. You are strong right now, keep at it girl!
I am so happy for you, you are in a really exciting place. The whole world is in front of you. You have a fresh look. Go for IT!
Take care :)
 
Thanks everyone for your positive replies.
It's one day at a time from now on and I know I'll find the security I crave so much within myself!!!
once again, thank you!!!
*beams*
 
by just your own post lemon you can tell you are getter better and better after each time you come on here and post.. you can tell the way your write.. how much excitment you put into it.. like putting !!!! and everything else... CONGRATS DOLL!! keep up to good work. and if you ever need anyone to talk to one-on-one you can always get a hold of me!!!
 
oh my fucking H christ.....................I've just re-read over that first post and I got the goddamned day wrong. He dies 3rd July 1997!!!shit Dad sorry mate!!
 
I love that moment of looking at the world through your new eyes, with your new mind, when you make a decision like you have. Taking control of your life, accepting every second of it as yours and loving that - so exciting!
I've always been a big fan of the idea that you can't truly appreciate and love yourself and your life until you've faced your biggest fear head on and come out the other side. Sounds as if you've done that sweetie, and whether you believe yourself to be strong or not, know this: to be at your worst, to taste your own tears, and to still realize that you're okay and that you will always have choices to make about your own life... well, if that isn't strength honey, then strength doesn't exist.
Don't lose this rush you're feeling, because it will not let you down. Even on your bad days, when it gets to you now and then, you'll always have that knowledge of yourself and what you can do. And check in now and then, let us know how you are. I do so love happiness. :)
 
Hiya Guys
it's been a while since I looked at this thread but I felt by reminding myself of how bad things were a couple of months ago would give me re-newed strength to get through the normal day to day shit.
I'm still on the up and up and getting stronger every day. It seems to me, if you're happy in yourself everything else just falls into place. My social life has boomed and due to the SSRI's I'm not taking any pills and yes there is a life after rolling. I dont feel that panicked feeling now of 'dammit, if I can't roll then what will I do'........know what I mean?
My mate came to visit me from Ireland last weekend and we had such a laugh. My Mom's coming over to visit soon and then I'm off on a girlie weekend to Brighton. Friends/family seem to help more when you want to help yourself.
As I've said before, it's been 5 long years of depression but looking back, I dont think I'd change it any of it. It's made me the person I am and you know what................I LOVE ME!!!
All my excess weight has fallen off and my personality is shining through again. yes I get tired and down sometimes but thats normal, the low times take up 10% of my life now rather than 90% the way it used to be.
To be honest, I've found reporting on here extremely therapeutic and hopefully it will be here for a long time. just to check back in now and then. To remind me of that place I never want to go back to, that place called depression!!
Cheers all
hope someone can gain strength from this and turn their lives around!
*smile*
*wink*
Lemon Electric
(Clodagh)
 
I'm glad you're smiling again. You seem like a really cool person. You deserve to be happy.
If it helps- I lost my mother suddenly when I was 16 (I'm 22 now). To be honest, in many ways I have never truly gotten over it. However, when I get upset or depressed about it, I try and tell myself that my mom would have wanted me to be happy, first and foremost, and that death is as much a reality as breathing.
We live on in those we love. It sounds to me like your dad has the same wish for you as my mother has for me.
 
You're right Mariposa it's just unfortunate that some of us find it harder to let go!
I wrote a letter to my Dad a couple of weeks ago and told him how I was feeling, let all the anger, sadness and despair go, then posted it to myself to read. It kinda put me in his shoes, how he'd feel if he was to really read it. It helped me understand/see things from a completely different perspective and it was my way of letting go!!
I firmly believe he's watching out for me!
 
Well another few weeks over and I'm still feeling good. I have a counselling session today for the first time in 4 weeks and I'm quite looking forward to it. I have lots to say. My SSRI dosage is right down and although I'm not completely off them it's a start! Dont get me wrong, there have been a couple of wobbley moments but I think recognising the pattern has helped 100% in gaining control again and not allowing myself to slip!!
onwards and upwards................. ;o)
 
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