TDS Springtime SAD, Anyone?

[Lady Codone]

I'm a weirdo: I have clinical depression at all times but it gets much, much worse in the Spring. From about mid-February through early June, I'm plagued by severe fatigue (worst in the evenings around sunset), nightmares, suicidal thoughts, emotional lows, sad memories/intrusive thoughts & feelings of worthlessness. Every. Single. Year. Last year it was so bad it broke up my 12-year relationship. This time around I'm basically reliving that horror after believing I'd overcome it. I've tried getting more sun & fresh air as well as supplementing with various vitamins & herbs all to no avail. 8(

I told my psych doctor this recently & she started asking about bipolar disorder in my family! I'm definitely NOT bipolar, as I've never been manic a day in my life--quite the opposite. I struggle to leave my bed most days. No psychosis either. We've exhausted every medication she can prescribe, so I'm seeing a new psychiatrist tomorrow & hoping to get some answers. (And possibly a stimulant to help with the fatigue/amotivation). I'm currently on 80mg Prozac & 150mg Topiramate which neither help nor worsen the situation to any noticeable degree. Anti-psychotics make things infinitely worse while SSRIs & SNRIs are like sugar pills basically... Wellbutrin put me in the hospital after only a couple days' use. I've been at this medication thing since 2000ish when I was a teen. Think it's fair to call it "treatment-resistant" at this point.

Anyone else have Seasonal Affective Disorder in the SPRING?! I'm fine all Winter, Fall & Summer...there's just something my brain does not like about this time of year. It's not the time change because it starts several weeks before that. I use Flonase & other allergy meds consistently, so if it's an allergic reaction to pollen it's in spite of all the meds I take year-round. I'm at a total loss. Would love to pin down a cause so maybe I could make some headway with this next year. Winter SAD seems to be linked to light exposure which is easy enough to correct. But what about Springtime SAD?

 

[herbavore]

For me this comes in the autumn. I have actually learned to value it though it is not necessarily a pleasant thing to go through. I get a mild depression that in the old days would have been called melancholia. I kind of like calling it that because that embraces the emotion rather than pathologizing it.

Spring has a particular cruelty in it for me now as May holds both the birthday of my late son and his death anniversary three weeks later. It is a beautiful--heartbreakingly beautiful--time of year around my house. My garden is in full bloom and the whole world seems full of rebirth and promise; but starting about early April I feel like I am on a forced march to a torture chamber. The best advice I have is to write during these times. It's the only thing I've found that both honors your emotions and helps you to navigate through them in a way that gives you more resilience for their inevitable return next year.