This is probably going to be the longest thing i've ever written about myself but I feel far more comfortable speaking in this environment than face to face.
I'm a 20 year old; poly drug user. I have used drugs from the age of about 12, starting with alcohol but mainly (potentially but probably not innocently) with cannabis. I have spiralled through the years from one train wreck to the next, starting with stealing alcohol from my parents which i'm sure is common place among many. In the years since then I discovered the wider range of drugs starting with MDMA at 15 and ranging in the following few years with more substances than it is worth mentioning. All at the time still feeling young and experimental, if a bit obsessive.
Alongside this I developed a love for a girl i had know since about age 12, after many years we did get together to what i expected to be the best thing that could of happened in my life, which it is and hopefully still will be; although i'm somewhat unsure of my future and our future together at this point.
Shortly after this, probably just before turning 19 i developed a pretty strong addiction to Cocaine; snorting almost everyday, alone, blowing enormous amounts of money and getting heavily into selling drugs. I managed to hide this for around 6 months, quite a while considering the severity of it but it was inevitable to come to a point where life would fall apart. I found this surprising easy to leave, i have touched it since multiple times but would not necessarily consider it a problem however I will explain why I think this is later. It caused me to cyber cheat on my girlfriend, whatever you would like to call it, and I was lucky to still have her after this but she did stick with and forgive me; albeit with a distinct lack of trust.
Things continued for about 6 months,probably less; I was still recreationally using drugs, but not everyday, definitely more than was healthy although i'm sure many on here have similar teenage years.
The real problem and the one that I really cant kick, is Ketamine. For the life of me I can not stop. I've been caught multiple times, I say caught, my habit that i've hidden from friends and family that was open at first but became more and more secretive the more in depth it got. It's made me a liar, its made me dislike the person I am and most of all its hurt everyone around me and myself. It's been a year since I first had a big problem with it, I had taken it previously and the signs of addiction potential were there (but there was a well placed drought). But as I say for the last year its gone from everyday to abstinence to binging to drugs counseling. The want for it has never left. My girlfriend has no trust in me, she loves me to bits but she is at the end of her tether and I just cant stop. Counscelling sort of helped but it always felt like i was ignored as it was a psychological addiction and as soon as i'd stopped using they wanted to downgrade me when I needed continued support.
The final turning point for me is that I smoked heroin the other day, for no reason other than why not. I tried it alone, didnt particularly enjoy it but the fact that i tried it when 2 years ago I would of said to myself I will never take heroin. I have no idea what possessed me to do it other than curiosity and another escape. No one else knows I did this and provided I dont do it again i hope no-one ever does find out other than anyone reading this.
I use drugs to feel better, but I don't know why, my only conclusion is that it comes from being bullied when i was 10 up to about age 11, to the point where I was introverted and lost self esteem. I am starting to come to terms with the fact this could be a primary cause, as much as Ketamine has been a problem, and now experimenting with heroin, my whole life since then has just been the next escape from reality and drugs made it extremely easy to escape from the feelings I had about myself. Even the need to be wanted; for example selling drugs and doing drugs to meet new people, i've met more people through drugs than I can think of. I have a very supportive close family/friend network and a loving girlfriend but it still wont give me the power to stop.
All I try to do is to please people but am I just unhappy with myself? Because I feel like i absolutely hate myself for what i've done to myself and the people around me.
Maybe i'm rambling, i'm sober and had a shit weekend where everything has come to a head so I had to vent this somewhere, whether its help, or similar experiences that are replied on this post I appreciate anything, I just feel extremely alone and depressed right now. A fitting place for the dark side I would imagine.
I'm a 20 year old; poly drug user. I have used drugs from the age of about 12, starting with alcohol but mainly (potentially but probably not innocently) with cannabis. I have spiralled through the years from one train wreck to the next, starting with stealing alcohol from my parents which i'm sure is common place among many. In the years since then I discovered the wider range of drugs starting with MDMA at 15 and ranging in the following few years with more substances than it is worth mentioning. All at the time still feeling young and experimental, if a bit obsessive.
Alongside this I developed a love for a girl i had know since about age 12, after many years we did get together to what i expected to be the best thing that could of happened in my life, which it is and hopefully still will be; although i'm somewhat unsure of my future and our future together at this point.
Shortly after this, probably just before turning 19 i developed a pretty strong addiction to Cocaine; snorting almost everyday, alone, blowing enormous amounts of money and getting heavily into selling drugs. I managed to hide this for around 6 months, quite a while considering the severity of it but it was inevitable to come to a point where life would fall apart. I found this surprising easy to leave, i have touched it since multiple times but would not necessarily consider it a problem however I will explain why I think this is later. It caused me to cyber cheat on my girlfriend, whatever you would like to call it, and I was lucky to still have her after this but she did stick with and forgive me; albeit with a distinct lack of trust.
Things continued for about 6 months,probably less; I was still recreationally using drugs, but not everyday, definitely more than was healthy although i'm sure many on here have similar teenage years.
The real problem and the one that I really cant kick, is Ketamine. For the life of me I can not stop. I've been caught multiple times, I say caught, my habit that i've hidden from friends and family that was open at first but became more and more secretive the more in depth it got. It's made me a liar, its made me dislike the person I am and most of all its hurt everyone around me and myself. It's been a year since I first had a big problem with it, I had taken it previously and the signs of addiction potential were there (but there was a well placed drought). But as I say for the last year its gone from everyday to abstinence to binging to drugs counseling. The want for it has never left. My girlfriend has no trust in me, she loves me to bits but she is at the end of her tether and I just cant stop. Counscelling sort of helped but it always felt like i was ignored as it was a psychological addiction and as soon as i'd stopped using they wanted to downgrade me when I needed continued support.
The final turning point for me is that I smoked heroin the other day, for no reason other than why not. I tried it alone, didnt particularly enjoy it but the fact that i tried it when 2 years ago I would of said to myself I will never take heroin. I have no idea what possessed me to do it other than curiosity and another escape. No one else knows I did this and provided I dont do it again i hope no-one ever does find out other than anyone reading this.
I use drugs to feel better, but I don't know why, my only conclusion is that it comes from being bullied when i was 10 up to about age 11, to the point where I was introverted and lost self esteem. I am starting to come to terms with the fact this could be a primary cause, as much as Ketamine has been a problem, and now experimenting with heroin, my whole life since then has just been the next escape from reality and drugs made it extremely easy to escape from the feelings I had about myself. Even the need to be wanted; for example selling drugs and doing drugs to meet new people, i've met more people through drugs than I can think of. I have a very supportive close family/friend network and a loving girlfriend but it still wont give me the power to stop.
All I try to do is to please people but am I just unhappy with myself? Because I feel like i absolutely hate myself for what i've done to myself and the people around me.
Maybe i'm rambling, i'm sober and had a shit weekend where everything has come to a head so I had to vent this somewhere, whether its help, or similar experiences that are replied on this post I appreciate anything, I just feel extremely alone and depressed right now. A fitting place for the dark side I would imagine.
