Something has changed. I think I'm finally ready after 4 yrs of amps

[Stats]

I'm a 21 yr old male and just got my Bachelors degree 6 months ago. I started using amps when I was 18 to help me study (adderall, Ritalin, etc.). I never used before then, not even weed haha and back then I was young and naiive (still am young, just not so naiive).

The difference now is that I don't use amps to be productive anymore. I was on them everyday my senior year and got into meth too because of tolerance. Had the worst grades of my life--3.0 GPA which may not sound bad unless you knew what I had going for me.

Had a prestigious job lined up, i was supposed to graduate best in my class at a large university, got awesome recommendations from powerful people in my community, and most of all, a bright future.

Man meth really destroys lives.

Before I uses d-amps to pursue my interests more vigorously and it resulted in achievement/success. Now I use meth to not hate myself. My job offer was rescinded, been unemployed this entire time. Lost my professional connections to the lifestyle (they don't know, but I've been AWOL for 6 months). And the worst part: I have a huge fucking problem.

At my worst I never thought about quitting. I always thought one day I'd have the strength to put it down. Now I realize how lost I was. In reality, I finally want to quit because I lost all of my friends, my life, my money, and my esteem. I guess I found my rock bottom.

I think I'm looking for support here and tips. My problem is one of motivation--i don't necessarily chase the euphoria of amps, I chase that beautiful feeling of wanting to perform my best and having it be so effortless. I'm a smart kid, but I have a hard time wanting to do anything with my intelligence (post-amps) whereas I used to sort of 'force' myself to do well before drugs.

If anyone would care to offer me some guidance, I'd appreciate it.

It's just not like it used to be. It's not fun when it's all you have left.

 

[EPL1]

Hi Stats,

You're still so young and have your whole life ahead of you, and you want to stop, so that's huge already. What's done is done, you WILL overcome this. Come here and post anytime I will be here to support you! I'm proud of you for getting to this point, YOU CAN DO THIS STATS!!!

Your friend,
Ashley.

I'm a 21 yr old male and just got my Bachelors degree 6 months ago. I started using amps when I was 18 to help me study (adderall, Ritalin, etc.). I never used before then, not even weed haha and back then I was young and naiive (still am young, just not so naiive).

The difference now is that I don't use amps to be productive anymore. I was on them everyday my senior year and got into meth too because of tolerance. Had the worst grades of my life--3.0 GPA which may not sound bad unless you knew what I had going for me.

Had a prestigious job lined up, i was supposed to graduate best in my class at a large university, got awesome recommendations from powerful people in my community, and most of all, a bright future.

Man meth really destroys lives.

Before I uses d-amps to pursue my interests more vigorously and it resulted in achievement/success. Now I use meth to not hate myself. My job offer was rescinded, been unemployed this entire time. Lost my professional connections to the lifestyle (they don't know, but I've been AWOL for 6 months). And the worst part: I have a huge fucking problem.

At my worst I never thought about quitting. I always thought one day I'd have the strength to put it down. Now I realize how lost I was. In reality, I finally want to quit because I lost all of my friends, my life, my money, and my esteem. I guess I found my rock bottom.

I think I'm looking for support here and tips. My problem is one of motivation--i don't necessarily chase the euphoria of amps, I chase that beautiful feeling of wanting to perform my best and having it be so effortless. I'm a smart kid, but I have a hard time wanting to do anything with my intelligence (post-amps) whereas I used to sort of 'force' myself to do well before drugs.

If anyone would care to offer me some guidance, I'd appreciate it.

It's just not like it used to be. It's not fun when it's all you have left.

 

[jdfisse]

Thank you for posting about this. Recovery is by far the hardest thing I have ever HAD to do, but the easiest thing I GET to do. It kind of works the opposite of addiction. In the beginning of using it was a guilty pleasure that I get to do, but quickly it became something that I had to do. Recovery in turn began as something I had to do (which required great effort and a whole lot of doing shit even when I had no motivation or desire to do it), but over time it has become the most valuable and rewarding privilege I have ever been granted.

I was you at 21. Accepted into UW primary care program (the best in the country at that time). All of the promise in the world. Dope and a general persistence in a pursuit of self-defeating behaviors which lowered my self-esteem (which lead to more self-defeating behaviors...that lowered self-esteem...and the pattern kept repeating) derailed me. I am 42 now. 2126 days clean. A respected executive. I valued member of my community. Known and appreciated in larger circles. A mentor to others. A husband. A son. A brother...and none of that really matters. What matters is that a dream that was crushed so early for me that I didn't even know I had dreamed it has become a reality: That one day I would be okay being me. On most days I am okay enough being me that being someone else doesn't even cross my mind. That is true freedom. My skin fits. It has taken great effort and continues to take daily work. I have found it through living the principles outlined in a 12-step program. I believe there are many ways that it can be found, but I can only share my personal experience with you. Get ready to be flooded with opinions my friend. Doing the opposite of what my head says has been working out pretty well for the last 5 years 9 months and 27 days. I haven't been alone a single day of it.

AMOR FATI