Some thoughts in my head

[ichosewisely]

There's no real point of this rant, just wanted to get it out there.
Ever since I remember existing I've always felt like I wasn't destined to live a long, nor a happy life. I remember at the age of 5, I looked at my drug addicted bipolar mother and thought ''When I grow up, that'll be me''. And now, minus the bipolar, it is me. I'm trying my best to fight the cravings, depression and the thoughts of suicide, my best doesn't seem to be cutting it though.

I've blown my relationship with most of the people in my life (there weren't too many around to begin with). But I don't care, I enjoy my own company. I know how I've hurt them and fooled them for the longest time. And somehow I feel proud. I feel as it's some sort of an accomplishment.

Still, I feel like shit, my PTSD is creeping up on me once again. I've had a headache for 3 days straight, hardly slept in just as long and I hear a squeaky noise in my head.
It's starting to feel like there's nothing left, I'm just alive to be alive. No I don't feel alone nor do I feel hopeless. I've got a few good things going for me, I've got a job and since I happen to be smart I got into college despite the fact I dropped out of high school, I've got a home with a nice bed, food in the fridge and internet.
But I just can't shake these thoughts, racing loudly in my head. And I'm left with something I cant' understand. I just want to feel at peace again.

 

[I NUK3D U]

Are you currently on any medication?

Sounds like you've done amazingly well to get where you are, perhaps against the odds, and you should be proud of that.

Are you prone to bouts of mild depression, and if so, can you identify that this is one of those times?

 

[ichosewisely]

I am currently sober, and have been for the last 17 days. I am prone to something I'd call severe depression when I have days I can't even get to work or function properly. This feels different though. It's as i'm trying to make myself miserable, cause as I said I don't sleep, then I've picked up a habit of poking my veins with needles, I rarely ever eat these days. It's getting kinda old by now.

 

[deez_nuggs]

Don't poke your veins with needles. Hopefully it's not compulsive but if youre depressed and need to do that, and youre trying hard to improve your mood, keep going..Ive been depressed for a few years ago and it fucking sucks, and its not easy to fight. I implore you, however, to not poke your arms. Couldn't stress that enough. Sounds like yours has been with you longer but I also don't believe you when you say you want to live a short life. start thinking positively. wherever, whenever, just keep looking ahead and it will get better. Instead of drugs you now need something to look forward to..like having a pet, daily exercise, and since you have a job, maybe youll have an increased income without an addiction..

 

[awkwardapple]

Poking veins with needles? that sounds hella fun! it'd be like psssssssshhtttttt with little streams of blood erected like a beautiful fountain of wine.

I'm serious...i can see the appeal, but don't do it...like deez nuggs says.

I definetely know the feeling you're going through. I think some people, like us, no matter how 'successful' our lifes may seem on the surface, will never be content. We will stand for nothing less than pure nirvana.

Maybe you also have bipolar is another thought? i don't understand the disorder myself...it doesn't make sense to me, but i mean it might be a good to see a doctor or something.

hope you make yourself better man, life just sucks don't it?