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Sold my soul to the devil

jones-in_J

jones-in_J

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2012
Messages
1,533
I kind of referranced this in another thread but thought it deserved more of in in depth thread of its own.. I definitely feel like I made a pact with the devil after getting into harder drugs, mainly speedballs and will never get my soul back. I mean I've been about a year without and not a day goes by that I don't dwell on how much I miss it despite all the pain its brought. Who can relate?
 
jones-in_J said:
I kind of referranced this in another thread but thought it deserved more of in in depth thread of its own.. I definitely feel like I made a pact with the devil after getting into harder drugs, mainly speedballs and will never get my soul back. I mean I've been about a year without and not a day goes by that I don't dwell on how much I miss it despite all the pain its brought. Who can relate?
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Man, this hit me right in the face. Honestly when I first realized that I wasn't SICK when i tried to go without opiates one day during my first year of addiction, only to realize the SICKNESS was actually withdrawal.

I would only beg to differ somewhat with your explanation in this regard: your pact with the devil, your selling of your soul is not irreversible. Esteemable acts, new friends, enjoying life without chemical additives...even in small amounts will make you realize that your pact with the devil can be broken. It is not easy, it is not simple, it does not come without its own draw backs. But honestly, the 5 months of serentiy I experienced last year after 5 years of horrible opiate addiction (including the legit reasons, back surgeries) was nothing short of miraculous in my opinion.

You can pull yourself out of the darkness but it is not an easy adventure. And it is perfectly logical in the disease of addiction to serenade and romance the use of our favorite substances because addicts have an amazing talent to overlook the destructive insanity as a consequence of our using and instead only remember the good times. For me, it took inpatient rehab and a ton of NA meetings to realize that my insanity in feeling exactly as you do is a nearly universal trait of all addicts. NA will often refer to it "as playing the tape all the way through" hence highlighting both the highest, most blissful moments of using and the saddest, most destructive aspects of our lifestyle choices.

Find a solid outlet for your feelings...a close friend (preferably non using), a therapist or someone at an NA meeting. It is worth it...I promise you.
 
yeah i know that friends will help I don't really fuck with anyone outside work though that's all i do is go to work and come home ever since i stopped. and NA has always just made me think more of using and made me want to even more, I could go there having a great day not thinking of using and by the end of the meeting i want to get high. When i told them that at both rehabs i've been to they got mad and said it was just an excuse but it's true, I find that the best mental remedy is just to hang out with new friends doing new things that don't involve drugs
 
try and get some new hobbies that don't involve drugs? plenty of risky, fun things you can do without chemicals.
 
Man "sold my soul to the devil" really does seem to sum it up. I feel your pain my friend and I feel it everyday. Luckily a contract with the devil is not so ironclad and the only one holding us to it is ourselves. I also can find no benefit from the meetings and they make me want to use as well. I may be able to take them more seriously if they removed all the "God" stuff from the equation, but those are my own issues and a conversation for another place. I can only agree with you that doing things with new friends, in new places where neither remind you of using will be helpful. That may be a short term band-aid though. I think we have to not just pretend it never happened but face the things we have done as well(those pesky meetings can help a little with this part). Getting things you have done to feed your addiction and how you lived through it off your chest can have a healing effect in a very real way. Finding a close friend or confidant to spill your soul to would be great but do not discount doing it here either. The anonymity of the computer screen can make things easier to admit to yourself by putting them out there they become more real somehow at least in my experience. Just making a simple post like this and getting some feed back is healthy. I do not have any answers for you though I wish that I did. I can only say that I will keep fighting my demons and I hope that you will do the same. It will lead to a better life and we deserve that... or so everyone keeps telling me. ;)
 
anaddict said:
Man "sold my soul to the devil" really does seem to sum it up. I feel your pain my friend and I feel it everyday. Luckily a contract with the devil is not so ironclad and the only one holding us to it is ourselves. I also can find no benefit from the meetings and they make me want to use as well. I may be able to take them more seriously if they removed all the "God" stuff from the equation, but those are my own issues and a conversation for another place. I can only agree with you that doing things with new friends, in new places where neither remind you of using will be helpful. That may be a short term band-aid though. I think we have to not just pretend it never happened but face the things we have done as well(those pesky meetings can help a little with this part). Getting things you have done to feed your addiction and how you lived through it off your chest can have a healing effect in a very real way. Finding a close friend or confidant to spill your soul to would be great but do not discount doing it here either. The anonymity of the computer screen can make things easier to admit to yourself by putting them out there they become more real somehow at least in my experience. Just making a simple post like this and getting some feed back is healthy. I do not have any answers for you though I wish that I did. I can only say that I will keep fighting my demons and I hope that you will do the same. It will lead to a better life and we deserve that... or so everyone keeps telling me. ;)
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I agree we do deserve better it's just hard

I just realized your name is "an addict".. i saw one of your posts a couple days ago and could have sworn it said anal addict hahaha
 
Haha. Not sure how to respond to that really. I guess those two letters make 'al' the difference. ;)
 
I can relate to that feeling jones. My choice was opiates and I always have the hunger for it creeping up on me. I still dream about it plenty of my nights. Last night included. Dreams where I am always doing shifty things to obtain it and never getting high. The dreams are always easy to remember and imprinted in my brain when I wake up. I can remember last nights and also many of the other dreams and scenarios where I was trying to get my drug.

I can see that relationship with viewing the drug as the devils contract for your soul and once taken you have basically signed the contract.

I do believe there is a point you accept that you consciously and subconsciously do not want the drug anymore. I believe I have accepted it consciously by not getting the drug, but my love for it still remains. I know with time and training you can free yourself.
 
as to the dreams do you always wake up right before you get high, as you're JUST about to take a hit? that always happens to me and I'll wake up as abruptly as if I were kicked in the face lol
 
My opiate dreams always seem to involve me finding or being given some copious amount of drugs and then losing them or not being able to find them as I wake up. Terrifying, seriously I wake up in a very panicked state usually. Kinda sad really that it has that much of an effect on me.
 
anaddict said:
My opiate dreams always seem to involve me finding or being given some copious amount of drugs and then losing them or not being able to find them as I wake up. Terrifying, seriously I wake up in a very panicked state usually. Kinda sad really that it has that much of an effect on me.
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very interesting I have never had one like this before that I can remember, but then again my memory is pretty fucked :p
 
anaddict said:
My opiate dreams always seem to involve me finding or being given some copious amount of drugs and then losing them or not being able to find them as I wake up. Terrifying, seriously I wake up in a very panicked state usually. Kinda sad really that it has that much of an effect on me.
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I had these dreams very often while detoxing. I'd be given a lot of H and be trying to do some of it then something would happen and disrupt my act and I'd wake up quite flustered and angry. The one's that got to me the most is where I'd actually do the dope AND feel it. That's psychological withdrawals for ya. PAWS can last for years in some people, for me it lasted for about 3 months.
 
Always before I get high.

In my most recent one, for example, I found a stash of pills in one of those day of the week pill holders except it was like a 30 day one for the whole month and all the cells were connected and it had no lid and I was pressed for time seeing as people were coming (upstairs) to find out I was being a schmuck addict again. So since it had no lid I couldn't turn it upside down to throw all of the pills into my hand quickly (or else all of the other pills would fall out and I wouldn't have time to put them all back) and I woke up just as I had picked out a good handful. The dreams always have such a sense of urgency and panic in them. Like either I am on the brink of being discovered, or the drugs are going to be lost or crushed or fall down a drain.

Other ones include me seeing a pill drop out of a purse in a grocery line and trying to be a sketch ball and retrieve it without anyone noticing.

They are the worst types of nightmares. Not the scary type. The ones where you are an instafiend when you wake up.
 
yea i agree, wake up distraught in a sweat!

Somewhat off topic but speaking of finding a stash of pills, an old friend of mine was a heroin addict and his girlfriend didn't know he was getting high..anyway she freaks out on him one day over a supposed "stash of pills under the sink" that he didn't even have. so he assumes she's trying to start drama and says i don't believe you let me see.. turns out there really was a big ass bag of a few dozen oxy 30's which of course she didn't believe weren't his and he had to watch as she flushed haha
 
jones-in_J said:
yea i agree, wake up distraught in a sweat!

Somewhat off topic but speaking of finding a stash of pills, an old friend of mine was a heroin addict and his girlfriend didn't know he was getting high..anyway she freaks out on him one day over a supposed "stash of pills under the sink" that he didn't even have. so he assumes she's trying to start drama and says i don't believe you let me see.. turns out there really was a big ass bag of a few dozen oxy 30's which of course she didn't believe weren't his and he had to watch as she flushed haha
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ohhh lord..i would of been SICK lol
 
I cant believe I got to the end of this thread to read something so wrong I cant get to sleep lol

I sold my soul to the devil as well: he has yet to reward me with success for my sacrifices, though dangles it before me everyday. ive been working at my passions for so fucking long I need a sign that im almost there or im just going to take pills till I forget what I was dreaming about.
 
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