socially awkward

[angryteabag]

Hey guys, I often feel that some times im very quiet and focused on myself when im out with people making me quiet and strange. i often freak out when someone asks me something and anything i say is ill thought through and that usually ends up in it being strange and half the time doesn't make sense. I find it hard to hear people talking and often feel like i have NO clue about what they are talking about/it doesnt make much sense.

The funny thing is, when im at home with a person i dont feel anything. i feel fine to just talk.

So tonight i went out with some of my mates mates i didnt really know (doesnt happen too often that i go out), and it was really different. some cool laid back funny people and i felt like i wanted to join in but just didnt.

I had a few drinks and i didnt get any more talkative, just louder whenever i did say anything. later a stoned.

After i got a little high i felt relaxed a little. it was like it didnt matter and i started talking, i still put out ill thought out sentences that made little sense but it didnt matter.

so now im at home mildly depressed at the fact that being out in public makes me afraid of being me. and now im on this crazy buzz about who the fuck I am??! Looking at it from the side, i feel like that crazy weird guy everyone knows. the kind of guy people go "hey you know that guy" "oh yeah him, hes a little fucking weird"

Im just baked and felt like typing out my random little story. dont know if its against the forum law but if im bad ass enough to break the real law by getting high, im bad ass enough to attempt to break forum law

 

[SpelunkingTheMind]

I can totally relate. Haha, unfortunately I don't have much advice to offer, but at least we both know we're not alone! I too feel like I have to analyze everything I'm going to say before I say it, so I end up not talking much. Particularly in a group, when, usually, I end up just not talking at all and depending on how comfortable I am with the group, sometimes feel really awkward and wish I could get away without being even MORE obviously uncomfortable/weird. I can also relate with finding it hard to hear people - I'm a little over 6'2" and have slightly messed up my hearing with loud music, so the two combined mean I often find it hard to hear/follow a conversation (especially when I'm standing/walking in a short group), so I either say "what?" constantly (with little else to say) or just completely lose track of what the hell people are talking about.

But get me alone with someone (anyone really, though more so with a girl than a guy), and I'm chatty, engaging, and at times rather charming. Something about the group atmosphere just intimidates me I guess :/

The best I can offer is, when you find a group of friends whom you're comfortable with and who are comfortable with you, it doesn't really matter. They know you're a quiet guy; if they still like having you around, they obviously still like you. Being the quiet one in the group isn't the worst thing. And the more you hang out with a group, the easier it is (for me I've found, and it sounds like we're in much the same boat) to be more talkative/engaging in that group setting.

Try to not stress over it too much. I've gone through those same thought patterns ("Am I just that guy that hangs around but everyone secretly things is weird and wishes would just leave??"). People probably don't see you that way. If they did, you would probably know.

 

[Lando138]

Yeah i can totally relate too. Although its gotten better since high school. For one, it helps to stop caring what people think so much. Face it, if these people thought poorly of you in any way would they hang out with you or invite you places? I think people like us tend to think WAY to much when it comes to social situations. I've actually read a lot of books and shit like that trying to get over the social anxiety, or "come out of my shell" or whatever the hell you wanna call it, but i won't get into it or this could turn into a long(er) ramble lol. Basically just chill out maaan %)

 

[SpelunkingTheMind]

^ any particularly good reads on the topic come to mind? I've gotten better but could still come a long way in terms of "coming out of my shell" as you say.

One of those things where I know that I just need to relax and be myself but, in the situation, I still usually clam up and get uncomfortable. Things have gotten better but I feel like I've kind of stalled; some fresh ideas might help me get over this more.

 

[Lando138]

Well the ones that immediately come to mind, The Game by Neil Strauss is excellent and a good read, Mystery Method by "Mystery" is also good but more boiled down and to the point. Both of those books are about picking up women but they're really more about building your confidence level in social situations, and The Game in particular is written for those of us that are "socially challenged" so to speak. Other than that go to a local book store and go the the self help section and look for books about things like small talk, carrying a conversation, reading body language..things like that helped me be a lot more socially aware and confident out in public. It sounds lame and it may be embarrassing if somebody goes in your room and finds books like that, haha, but I went from feeling like a total square and generally not comfortable in my own skin to walking up to random women at the mall and just starting a conversation about random shit, haha. But thats not to say i still don't have self esteem issues and shit, which i do, but taking an active approach to trying to improve yourself helps a lot.

 

[RandomGuy123]

Maybe an SSRI or a Benzo? If this is asking what you can do about it drug related...

 

[onmyway]

it sounds a little like social anxiety. kava is really good for that.

 

[angryteabag]

Yeah i started getting into "gaming" and picking up woman. that was sort of like a pandoras box for me, it highlighted that i dont know who i am as a person, im indecisive and a listener not a action taker. I have moments when im charming but it comes in waves. sometimes im really open and talkative and other times im just withdrawn.

I left high school 2 years ago (where i was very social and talkative) and havent been doing much, grew distant from my old friends so i dont do anything all the time. i got into parkour and free running but train alone. I dont know where to go to make friends because it was always school for me. university starts soon so im hoping to open up a bit.

As far as a drugs go, if there were a drug for social anxiety i wouldnt want it to be something i would have to dose every time i go out. more like something i would take to open me up. I was thinking something liek LSD would help put you on the track but i dont know.

 

[K'd-OUT-in-AZ]

Sounds like Social Anxiety Disorder but I'm no doctor. A good drug thats not habit forming like benzodiazepines is Lyrica. Tell a doctor about your problem and ask about it. The dose needs to be slowly upped but you may find it very useful at the right dose.

 

[angryteabag]

i feel so fucked up and confused right now. i dont know what to do. i want to just relax, chill and not care but i just feel so much apprehension over whatever.

The thing is I want to go out right now, i do like seeing people and making friends. i used to make friends with strangers and talk about random shit that didnt matter. but i dont know where to go, what to do and when ever i do talk to people now-a-days i always seem to be boring and strange. i never avoid social gatherings but i seem to always be on a downbuzz whenever i do go out.

btw im 18. I half blame the country im in because theres nothing to do here (new zealand). Clubbing is boring, house parties are few and far between and everyone lives so far away from everyone. maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannn this is so lame

 

[Mr Blonde]

See a psychologist, that helped me when I had problems with anxiety I got coping tips and strategies on how to make myself more comfortable in social situations though I do not have that problem right now due to manicness

Also LSD might or might not be the best idea, if you do try it do it with a good friend who you can talk with, LSD has helped me with some things usually I have to trip alone and really think though for it to work, if you are not experienced with LSD do not use it alone for the first time. Be aware that using LSD may bring on a panic attack or increase your anxiety levels during the trip, which is why it's good to have someone there you can talk to about it.

 

[BangoSkank]

like the others who have responded, I too tend to overthink my social interactions with people on a large scale. It's easy for me to get trapped inside my own head playing out the various scenarios based on what I could say, so that ultimately, I don't say anything at all! I went to a psychiatrist a few times and was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and got put on Celexa. At first, I was really against meds because I felt that anything in my head I could deal with on my own using logic and intellect. I only take 10mg a day (which is a pretty low does) and I've found that it works really well. It's subtle. Nothing insane. But I don't get so hung up on the "little things" that used to get my trapped inside my own head and hung up on how I was perceived by others. If you don't want to spend the money or don't have insurance, etc; wait until you go to university. I'm assuming you are in Europe somewhere so things might be different, but here I'm from NC and at my school, as part of tuition, we are allowed to go to counseling services and see psychologist who can then refer us to psychiatrists if they feel meds might help. Good luck! Remember, you don't have to deal with this alone!!

 

[deadhead507461]

I am the same way, being quiet and observant apposed to life of the party.
The silence I have in a conversation is somewhat insulting to people even though I try not to do be rude.
Exactly me, when I am asked a ques it takes 30 sec. to come up with an answer and it is usually awkward and some of the time its inappropriate for the situation.
Dont worry about it your not the only one like that, social awkwardness is hard to overcome I am trying very hard with little success.

 

[cilosyb]

I half blame the country im in because theres nothing to do here (new zealand). maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannn this is so lame

Dude I have the same issues as you, but I can tell you it has nothing to do with NZ. Kiwis are consistently among the friendliest and most approachable people I've ever met (Fijians might have you beat though...). Being here has helped my social anxiety, not contributed to it. Plus, there's tons to do here! Why do you think people come from all over the world? I'll break it down for you: because NZ is probably the coolest place on the planet! I'll never understand why the natives can find it so dull. You must live on the north island...

Anyway there's another forum dedicated to this whole topic, which is extremely informative. www.socialanxietysupport.com . Just read some of those poor bastard's stories and you'll instantly feel better about yourself. Sad but true.

 

[SpelunkingTheMind]

^ A bit off-topic, but one interesting thing I picked up from global traveling and meeting other travelers is that, no matter how fascinating you as an outsider might find a particular area/country, the vast majority of natives will consider it rather banal/uninteresting and won't take advantage of the majority of cool sites and opportunities that their homeland has to offer.

Bit of a 'grass is always greener on the other side' effect I suppose!

 

[blode]

I know what you mean and alot of it in my opinion is just shyness. I always had things I wanted to say but thought they would be lame unfunny or stupid. Just say em anyway, the more you talk the more people seem to like you because it means your outgoing. Even if you're not outgoing just try and pretend you are. Stop caring about peoples opinions

 

[Spliff Politics]

I know what you mean and alot of it in my opinion is just shyness. I always had things I wanted to say but thought they would be lame unfunny or stupid. Just say em anyway, the more you talk the more people seem to like you because it means your outgoing. Even if you're not outgoing just try and pretend you are. Stop caring about peoples opinions

So your saying the OP shouldnt care about peoples opinions, yet try to pretend to be outgoing so people like them more? Pretty bad advice.

 

[SpelunkingTheMind]

So your saying the OP shouldnt care about peoples opinions, yet try to pretend to be outgoing so people like them more? Pretty bad advice.

Um, not really considering a big part of the problem is that he over-analyzes what people will think of him to the point of paralysis. If he'd just relax and not think about what others are thinking of him, then he would better be able to open up and be himself. And 'pretending to be outgoing' is really just trying to ignore the uncertainties/stress and opening up and saying what comes to mind without analyzing or worrying about what others think; it's not like he's pretending to be something he's not. It's pretending to have the confidence he lacks (so he can be himself in front of others) until he relaxes enough to actually have that confidence naturally.

 

[angryteabag]

You must live on the north island

Yeah haha Auckland. theres little to do because everythings so far away. but yeah i agree, people here are pretty approachable.

And its sad but those stories do make me feel better, its not THAT baad . . .

also i dont really care what people think, i just draw a blank on what to say. i want to say something but nothing

 

[Azatos]

Man I could totally relate to you even now. I had an extremely hard time speaking to people that I wasn't completely familiar with to the point where'd I'd avoid them for days at a time and making up lame excuses. But, my trouble was and still is with girls, I had really low self-esteem back in highschool and was always paranoid. I never got a girlfriend in high-school because of things like this. (bro she's totally into you she even ranted on about how your the nicest guy she ever met) no she's not quit fucking around.

Little did I know that alot of my really close girl-friends were actually interested in me. I still kick myself in the ass for it to this day. I still don't know how to have a proper relationship and I got a girl now known her for a long ass time and we finally started dating and going to have dinner with her family soon. Her parents don't know much english at all though so I'm really fucking nervous.

Sorry about bitching and ranting thinking about that shit feels bad man.