Social De-construction, depression, suicidal thoughts

[tyranarus]

My entire life ive constantly examined my personality and wondered why i do certain mannerisms i find this has made me more down to earth than most people however going at this through a socially de-constructive thought process that could also just be my ego saying that. This type of thinking is really starting to get me depressed as it leads me to look at past experiences where i fucked up big time and constantly think about what i could've done right or done to fix what happened even when theres nothing i can do this type of thinking constantly makes me have ruminating repetitive thoughts that make me really depressed especially where ive fucked up in a potential relationship or something. This type of thinking is not healthy it leads me from being content to being extremely depressed to the point where i have suicidal thoughts i realize this could be bi-polar disorder or just flat out depression however im absolutely terrified of the pharmaceutical industry and what anti-depressants or other drugs they give you could do to your brain ive heard of so many fucked up side affects from different people. On top of that ive thought about seeing a psychiatrist however i believe there one of the huge problems in this world when family's or people are in a time of desperate need because of their weak mental state a man in a white coat offers to listen to their problems for a mere 300 dollars an hour taking complete advantage of them only to eventually tell them they have some sort of problem and shove a pill down their throat, one of the many fucked up socially accepted phenomenons in this world.

Honestly im really fucking confused, scared, depressed and lonely i need this to stop its really starting to fuck with my head i was also wondering if anyone else had this kind of thought process.

 

[Dave]

The past has already happened. Remember it, but also remember that there is no way to change it. Use the lessons learned to prevent such things from happening right now. Your fixation on your memory is causing you illness.

Try something as a little exercise. Act as though you're examining yourself from the outside: how are you, right at this exact moment? Is there anything happening right now, outside of your head, that should be causing you distress? Chances are, if you're reading this, there likely isn't.

You mention your ego, so you're aware of the concept. It is, in fact, your ego that is causing you this trouble. It is fixating on what you've done in the past because it has identified as 'a depressive', and needs to fuel that identity. But that is not who you are, just how your thoughts see yourself. But you can take a step back and look at your thoughts, although it can be tough at times.

Medication should be the absolute last line of defence. Are you seeing a psychologist right now? If you can, you really should. Depending on your location, they may charge on a sliding scale, be covered by health insurance of some sort, or there are often student psychologists who would love to help you. Your thoughts aren't helping you, and your idea of using deconstruction (a highly intellectual thought process) won't help, as it's just thoughts attacking other thoughts. Trying to use the ego to control the ego; doesn't work well. A good psychologist will help you develop tools to bring those thoughts under control, and even rid yourself of them in time. Until then: remember that you can have your thoughts, but you are not your thoughts. You are greater than they.