After struggling with social anxiety for a long, long, time (25+ years). I finally got to the root of it and it is GONE (completely GONE), and I am no longer on any medication for it. I will share what was the cause of my overwhelming social anxiety and how I tackled the root of the problem. Social anxiety stems from the need for approval from others. Its not that I thought in my head, Oh.. If this person doesn't like me I won't be able to handle it. In my head I could care less what most people thought, especially people that I didn't know that well. Why then was I filled with powerful anxiety when I had to interact with people, especially people I didn't know. Why once I got to know someone did the anxiety seem to go away. Why did I take criticism so hard. Why did I sometimes give up on things that I was so excited about, or at least attach allot less importance to things I had thought were really important, if someone said something that didn't agree with my view. ??
What it came down to was that I hadn't identified and developed and accepted my own values and morals. A value is just something YOU value.. not what you have been told to value, not what others value, not what you think you are supposed to value, BUT WHAT YOU VALUE. I actually had my own values but never believed in them. If you don't know what you value or do not believe in what you value, then you will always need the acceptance and approval of others. the reason that I was so much more nervous around someone I just met rather than a friend was that I pretty much new that I had the acceptance of the friend already so there was little anxiety. Once I identified what I valued and started to believe in it, then I was able to be around people with NO problem at all. Because I no longer need there approval. I new what was important to me, I new that what was important for me was exactly right for me. I was able to express my views and opinions and no longer cared if anyone esle agreed. I no longer had to please everyone, as I did not need their positive praise or approval to tell me that I was good enough. I new that I was good enough no matter what they thought. I could take critisim allot easier where as before I took criticism so hard it could ruin my whole week. Also I new that if I followed my heart (followed and pursued my values) that i was always going the right way.. I could now look at what other said I should do as suggestions, but before as I placed the values of others (parents, teachers, friends, strangers, ect) before mine, I would look to them for reassurance that what i was doing was the right way and I looked to them to point me in the right direction. What I know now is.. How in the hell do they know what I should do or if what i'm doing is right, they don't know where I want to go and have no idea how I want to get there. Also placing others values in front of your own may lead to a person putting crazy effort into following a life path, because society or someone they looked up to said that was the way to go, only to get to where we were told to go and realize that we aren't happy at all. Living a life based on what other people value is a large cause of genereal anxiety. Anxiety after all is just YOUR way of telling YOU that you aren't living your life the way YOU should. You have to follow your heart and believe in it, identify your values realize that they are your values and are exactly rite for you.
Another thinh I needed to develop was a sense of what makes me good. I always thought I would become confident with enough money, with he right job, the right degree, the right car.. Well the truth is is that I thought that way so I persued all this stuff and achieved it and wondered why I still had trouble with what other people thought. If you identify your morals, codes of behavior that you value, stick to these behaviors.. like I don't steal or I don't try and hurt other people, or I always do this because I value doing that.. , then you are a good person, you no longer need to work to get all that stuff you thought would confirm you are a success and a good human being. You need to accept yourself, learn to accept and love yourself, not because you have this or did that or because other people like you. Once you love and accept yourself, hold yourself to morals you value or behave in a way you feel is important all the time, you will no longer care what others think of you. You will not need the approval or love of other in order to love yourself, you will already love yourself.. and once you love yourself then you are ready to be loved and to love another. Your amazing (not you plus your hot partner or big bank role or crazy degree) just you without anything, acting the way that's important to you is amazing and better than good, you just need to realize that. How many of us have said whats wrong with me? I'm a great person but no one seems to notice? There is nothing wrong with you and everything rite, be yourself, as it will be the most attractive thing you can do. The only person that has to notice that your a great person is YOU. If another person doesn't like you for being you, so what!!! As long as you learn to like you you will be fine, not everyone has to or will like you. All the people you need in your life will like/love you just for who you are, not what you do or have.
All you have to do is figure out and believe in whats important to you, follow your heart as its the only thing that knows where you are going, realize that if you love yourself you wont need the approval of others. My very best wishes with your struggle. I am a very strong and intelligent person that has done amazing things and felt i needed the approval of no one, I was wrong I needed the approval of me.. SAD plagued me for decades.. Make a list of what you value, peruse and enrich your life with these, learn to love yourself, your amazing just the way you are.. watch the anxiety in general as well as the social anxiety disappear..
