Sobriety feels like suicide.

[GirlInterrupted]

I was an iv heroin user for quite some time. After a major incident I decide that I was going to kick the habit, well actually I had little choice, dope was harder for me to get. (crashed my car)
I am currently on my 2nd month of being sober from dope. It feels like forever. Each and every morning I wake up thinking about the needle. It brings me to tears sometimes, i just want to feel normal again and i cant see myself being happy without heroin. Each and every minute of the day I always find myself dreaming about dope. Does this happen to anyone else?
I miss everything about my old life style. The thrill of the hustle, the bliss of the drug, and everything in-between.
I often wonder why I still manage to choose LIFE everyday. When I think about my own reality I feel as tho I only have three choices. To live an unhappy fake life until I die, to simply just die, or become a junkie forever.
I don't think I can ever return back to the normal happy person I was before dope. Mentally and even physically I have changed. I'm in chronic pain and depression.
I have been contemplating lately about just hitching a ride to get some syringes and fat bag of dope. I mean all I really need is money, and that's not too hard to get. The only thing stopping me is the tiny hope that one day I will be able to be a normal person again and do something with my life, maybe be a drug therapist.

I wouldn't be surprised at myself if I ever did relapse again.

Note to those who have never tried heroin: don't ever fuck with that shit. Even Smoke or snorting. It will eventually lead to the needle. I started out thinking I was damn invincible, that nothing could go wrong, it was only a 1 time thing. 1=2=3= your life.
Just remember, curiosity killed the cat.

 

[Legerity]

Sure it is possible to feel normal and good again. Heroin took up the majority of your life, didn't it? So why don't you give yourself some time to figure out what you feel you are lacking in your life and find it in other things aside from heroin.

When you were high, was it the only time you felt that everything was okay? If so, what changes can you make right now that will make your life more bearable? You don't have to turn your life around from one day to the next but there are usually some small positive changes that can be made right away...

 

[OnePageMemory]

Its not going to be easy but it just takes time. Find some hobbies to do to keep your mind off it. Go for a run or get a gym membership and hit the sauna for like 2 hours a day to sweat those toxins out faster.

 

[Dr Pepper]

I second the above. You'll feel damn good about yourself if you start hitting the weights and when you are in the best shape of your life, it will be hard not to feel fucking greatl=. This will help with my next point.
Get a boyfriend and rediscover (or discover) what its like to be 100% comfortable with his body and vice versa... believe me, lots of GREAT things come of that, and i personally prefer an orgasm deep inside of my lover after some super fun sextivities to a fat shot of dope ANY DAY. The rush is better, and although it doesn't have the legs, just holding that person afterward and staring into her eyes is the best thing in the world. Obviously you need the right guy, so put yourself out there! Go to places where you can meet new people. Get a job. How old are you?

And in response to your title, sobriety cannot feel like suicide.
Suicide, and death for that matter, do not have a feeling. No feeling of relief, or escape, or Anything. You simply cease to exist, and that means there is nothing for you to feel.
... Unless you go to heaven, which is controversial... but if you believe in that stuff, it means you go to hell for ETERNITY . Why risk that? Heck, im not sure if there really is a god or not, but i'd rather hedge my bet and follow the rules just in case, its not like you have anything to lose but a little bit of time. And so much to gain there really is a heaven. If not, you lived a more moral life.
So maybe you need to find religion, and instill upon yourself basic moral values. Go to a church group or AA meeting and you will find the support you obviously need. A significant other would also be great. You're very strong to make it this far; dont revert back to your old ways. I should be studying for organic chemistry but i took the time to write this. So do it for me ( stay clean )

 

[oliphill]

^^Great advice Draigan!

The only thing stopping me is the tiny hope that one day I will be able to be a normal person again and do something with my life, maybe be a drug therapist.

Hold on to this! You will be a "normal person" again, with a wealth of knowledge and experience, which you can use to help others. It takes time to adjust, trust me. It seems like you are going through P.A.W.S right now, just stick it out and I promise you it will get better. Remember to keep trying to think positive, the power of positive thinking is unbelievable.

Think about the the things you are grateful for being clean and the shit things about being an IV heroin addict. Not the other way round!

Keep at it, you're doing so well!

 

[TJ5]

Yeah I do know what you mean. The feeling
of never ending apathy, & yes does suck. I'd
rather have the sadness I call depressive
states because 4 me way easier 2 get rid of,
but this horrible feeling you can't ever feel
happy or enjoy anything again w/o drugs
seems to go on indefinately. The first time
about -16 yrs ago it was 8 months before
it went. The 2nd time 2 months-opiates/
barbs harder on me. It will pass but L-tyro
sine, Taurine, L-glucosine help lessen that
apathetic exhistense.

 

[tommy34]

The only thing stopping me is the tiny hope that one day I will be able to be a normal person again and do something with my life, maybe be a drug therapist.

Just imagine one day you help someone out of the situation that your in now. You change just that one persons life for the better. Wouldn't that be an amazing feeling?

I wish the best of luck to you.

 

[villian]

Following what Draigan said about the ego -- check out "The Power of Now" by eckhart tolle

 

[villian]

he is an author he had ego death during a bought of suicidal depression and he came back to his physical form enlightened. he teaches that you need to live in the now, and that i and myself are different things, and when you disregard the ego you are left simply in a state of "being". millions of people have learned to love their lives via his books -- the power of now was a best seller for over 99 weeks

 

[Legerity]

Hey there! I just wanted to say that sure I have had the exact same experience, but that it can truly pass! So long as you are in the junky mindstate, it doesn't really matter if you quit dope or not, because ull just fiend until you get dope of course. That is why so many people fail. They do not understand that they need to change who they are, not just what they do!

Lots of great advice in your reply, Draigan It has also been true in my experience - the more caught up I am in my ego's stories about why I should feel afraid or worthless, the greater desire I have to drink/smoke/get high.

And I have also found Eckhart Tolle to be very useful for working on being present in the moment, and so are a lot of Buddhist writings on mindfulness/meditation. Jon-Kabat Zinn is a great start for that.

 

[Ninae]

Have you tried Kratom? It has given great relief for many former opiate addicts. Especially the strong extracts (UEI and Full Spectrum Extract) can give a powerful opiate-like high, even for former addicts. Even the plain leaf could give you some relief (which is preferable if you can stick to that as getting addcited to the extracts is just like another opiate addiction).

Don't want to encourage you to give up your sobriety, but if you feel it's unberable this is an option. Lyrica could also be helpful for your depression. Both these drugs are legal and safe to use if you use them sensibly.

 

[CitioKid]

Have you tried Kratom? It has given great relief for many former opiate addicts. Especially the strong extracts (UEI and Full Spectrum Extract) can give a powerful opiate-like high, even for former addicts. Even the plain leaf could give you some relief (which is preferable if you can stick to that as getting addcited to the extracts is just like another opiate addiction).

Don't want to encourage you to give up your sobriety, but if you feel it's unberable this is an option. Lyrica could also be helpful for your depression. Both these drugs are legal and safe to use if you use them sensibly.

Yeah, but they won't further her sobriety. And if kratom or lyrica do make her feel better, then there is an incredibly good chance she will become addicted to them. And then she will have to go through this all over again.

My advice to the OP is - stick with it! I've been clean from opiates for about the same length of time as you, and I feel lingering depression. But I've discovered that controlling my thoughts can make a HUGE, HUGE difference. Us addicts always want instant results, and i can tell you if you do a few things then you can dramatically change the way you feel.

I actually have realized it is harder to control thoughts of using than it is to control using. But controlling thoughts of using can always be done. So make sure that you NEVER let yourself drift away and imagine how good that needle will feel. I caught myself dreaming about opiates once every few minutes for the first month of my recovery. I wanted them so bad, and thinking about them seemed to be the most natural place for my mind to go. But doing so makes you more depressed, more dissatisfied with life, and likely to relapse.

So stop yourself anytime you dream about using. In fact, don't think about using AT ALL. It's very hard, but doing so made me feel a hell of a lot better in only a few days.

Avoid reading about drugs online, avoid researching withdrawals and PAWS and other drugs - just try to clean your thoughts of drugs all together.

It will feel like a battle at first, but it is well worth it.

Oh, and if you're two months into it, then you will start to feel better real soon. You have cancer, and luckily all it's gonna take to cure you of this cancer is three to four months of depression. Doesn't sound too bad, right? Catch is this "cancer" is going to want to make using sound really, really, really god damn appealing. But ignore their thoughts, that just the nature of the beast.

If you stay clean from opiates, you will be happy, accomplished, in control and endlessly proud of yourself. If you relapse, you will end up right back where you started - and you'll loose on the precious few years you have on this earth.

Let's stay clean together!

 

[Ninae]

Yeah, but they won't further her sobriety. And if kratom or lyrica do make her feel better, then there is an incredibly good chance she will become addicted to them. And then she will have to go through this all over again.

I agree, of course the ideal is to stay sober. I jsut meant as an alternative to the needle, or if the depression gets too soul-crushing, it would be significantly better as many have found. Using softer and legal drugs is always an improvement.

 

[megawoof]

oh your thread made me swell up with emotions as this is what i have got to face in next few months started a methadone detox regime and just waiting for a in patient rehab place im totally addicted to iv heroin too i think you right the mental toll when not using is immense im wishing you loads of love and happiness in not to near future just wish me luck to

 

[badandwicked]

Try and be aware of when you can control your attitude towards sobriety. When you feel yourself hating it don't immerse yourself in those feelings. remind yourself that it's a fucking fantastic thing compared to the addiction, and that each day is a step towards all the things you want and deserve. Remind yourself of the lowest points in your addiction and the misery you've felt.

 

[GirlInterrupted]

I want to thank everyone who have read and commented on my post. Those were some of the best advice that I've gotten so far, and it's crazy that ive never even met anyone of you guys. I'm glad that there are good people out there. Reading everyones replies made my day, I feel sort of relief, acceptance, and comfort.
I also want to wish luck to those who are working towards recovery.
I'm going to try my best to take everyones advice, check out some books, and try to find myself.
No lie, at this exact moment right now, if I had a prepped syringe right beside me I would dump it in the sink. This is like the 1st time I've ever felt so , idk the exact word...in control? I really feel at peace right now.
I've never really had anyone I could trust enough to speak up about my problems with. If I could I would just give each and everyone a hug. You guys encouraged me more than you can believe.

 

[TheBollocks]

Look up the cd by Dead Prez called "Cant Sell Dope Forever" It helped me through much a rough time.

 

[Legerity]

I want to thank everyone who have read and commented on my post. Those were some of the best advice that I've gotten so far, and it's crazy that ive never even met anyone of you guys. I'm glad that there are good people out there. Reading everyones replies made my day, I feel sort of relief, acceptance, and comfort.
I also want to wish luck to those who are working towards recovery.
I'm going to try my best to take everyones advice, check out some books, and try to find myself.
No lie, at this exact moment right now, if I had a prepped syringe right beside me I would dump it in the sink. This is like the 1st time I've ever felt so , idk the exact word...in control? I really feel at peace right now.
I've never really had anyone I could trust enough to speak up about my problems with. If I could I would just give each and everyone a hug. You guys encouraged me more than you can believe.

Awesome, glad to hear that you are feeling better. You can do this

 

[Monkeybizness]

HANG IN THERE only time heals all wounds . And for mental and physical stability I always recommend yoga. Look into it , it is very interesting and will help get your mind back at focus. .
Hold on be strong. You will feel better about your self if you get through this.

 

[GirlInterrupted]

I'm too anxious and restless for yoga. :[ I really wish I could do that, but I cant ever get myself to. poop.