Sobriety feels like a nightmare

[washingtonbound]

I’ve had a pretty bad history the past ten years or so with drug abuse and have realized (finally) that I need to clean myself up and pretty much be totally sober to have any shot at having a life that’s not dependent on others and whatever assistance I can get from the government. I’m turning 28 next month and it has started to really scare me how much of my life I’ve wasted.

I started out spending a lot of time around the rave scene in college and would roll or trip just about every weekend for a while, which kind of siphoned off into problematic poly drug abuse. I didn’t have a daily addiction to anything except marijuana if you count that but the problem was that my binges would often land me in the psych hospital every few months or so. It became clear after the fourth or fifth time that I’d developed some kind of drug induced mood disorder.

Anyway, I could go into more detail about the history but that would be another thread on its own. Long story short I spent around twenty eight times in the hospital for these drug episodes and after the last one, which occurred while I was living in squalor in a border town in Mexico, I said enough is enough.

Since I’ve been sober I’ve been dealing with anhedonia and am just incredibly bored and depressed by everything. Trying to find a job is a hassle, none of my hobbies really interest me anymore, and it just seems like reality is smacking me in the face. I don’t know how people go about their day sober and manage to get excited about anything whatsoever. It kinda feels like everything is a cruel joke.

I’m not sure how things are going to improve, aside from me just changing my attitude, but lately I’ve really been in the dumps about not having any substances in my life. I know that sounds pathetic and immature, but I suppose I rewired my brain for the worst and it’s just going to take some time to get out of it.

Any input or advice would be appreciated.

 

[PtahTek]

yeah i am sometimes terrified of it for real.
like now: alone, secluded, quiet, comfortable, at peace.
but this comes at great cost (not really ins pays for the major costs) and am using both benzos and synth noids. Both I know are the worst but really the paradox is they are the best, ime.
Wonder what I am really scared of and been sober before and it wasnt so bad until it was.
started seeing a trauma therapist and seems something is working most of the time (no meds there).
Had a lot of the same feelings and they are posted around not so long ago. A lot of the same.
Gotta ask is there any substance/drug use involved now?
Just gen upper downer whatever not the cops just trying to get a broader view, ya know?
Always

 

[washingtonbound]

yeah i am sometimes terrified of it for real.
like now: alone, secluded, quiet, comfortable, at peace.
but this comes at great cost (not really ins pays for the major costs) and am using both benzos and synth noids. Both I know are the worst but really the paradox is they are the best, ime.
Wonder what I am really scared of and been sober before and it wasnt so bad until it was.
started seeing a trauma therapist and seems something is working most of the time (no meds there).
Had a lot of the same feelings and they are posted around not so long ago. A lot of the same.
Gotta ask is there any substance/drug use involved now?
Just gen upper downer whatever not the cops just trying to get a broader view, ya know?
Always

I have been off of everything for a little over a month now and I don’t know how I’m supposed to live this way long term. I drank socially a couple times during that time period, but decided not to do so again because i don’t respond well to alcohol (both physically and mentally) and it was never a substance of choice for me. So I’ve just been sitting around, bored beyond belief, trying to figure out what do for work and just in a nasty funk.

 

[PtahTek]

So I’ve just been sitting around, bored beyond belief, trying to figure out what do for work and just in a nasty funk.

And here we sit together.
Maybe we get something worked out. Maybe in the next minute things change... seems they always do just when ya dont expect it.
I do not have the answers but I do know bored af and it killin me... well, not literally it is quite safe, IME.
Grab an oar and see if we can paddle across this river....

 

[greenlight204]

you can try getting on meds. that worked for me for a bit. then the side effects hit and im back to square one, not enjoying anything. Not sure where else to turn. if someone could do something to my mind that'd be great

 

[Asclepius]

Oh, it should.

 

[Smuck_Hey_Dee_Hewitt]

I´ve found a fulfilling pre drug addiction life/routine is what´s missing in most these cases. Getting sober and having no points of reference, no idea what to pursue or how to spend your waking hours in a familiar pre addict way.

 

[Rectify]

It really is a nightmare.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

I think that at first it can definitely seem like that. But it does get better, if slowly. It's largely about playing the waiting game, which can suck but yea.

 

[Smuck_Hey_Dee_Hewitt]

I think that at first it can definitely seem like that. But it does get better, if slowly. It's largely about playing the waiting game, which can suck but yea.

All the detoxes I´ve put myself through all these years have taught me a very simple principle ,if anything: It´s NEVER half as bad as you imagine.
What keeps you from attempting a detox is "Fear " ...this crippling, irrational Fear of change, some sort of self sabotage even .
AMP says it´s "a waiting game ", and indeed it is -you will always come to the point of :"What the Hell was I thinking of all those years ? " after a few weeks/months of having quit your DOC .
There´s planned withdrawals I´ve put myself through where I just took a leap of faith and changed everything about my life ,the junk routine.
I changed environment , basically went to work/live abroad , the people I found there had nothing to do with Heroin/drug culture in general ( the odd joint ,if that ), also the uncertainty of the situation , as a whole , which will keep your mind busy, distracted from what was your yesterday´s routine .
Those of you who have never done this would be surprised at what takes place once you do sth as radical as that ...you will be in awe at how fast you heal ...a week without sleep, working in an environment where nothing reminds you of your DOC -an environment where you must hide your physical discomfort, no one there ,familiar enough ,to hear your delusional moaning, no facilitators of any kind .
You´d basically be surprised at how fast you heal from any type of ...at least Heroin/Cocaine addiction .Uppers never truly had such strong pull on me -only when addicted to speedballing, but even then I quickly realized that the Brown was the main source of affliction.
As I said earlier on ,it is preferable ,and easier perhaps if you have points of reference, before you turned into an addict, points where you were extremely fulfilled, happy without any substance abuse issue .
Without a "lighthouse " you´re lost at sea ( getting pretty poetic all of a sudden .). And once you return to that pre addict state . I have no words for the reward one experiences once free from a (turned )self destructive, stale routine such as Heroin _________ (insert DOC ) addiction.

 

[smokeymcpot42088]

now im not a doctor bur have heard from many if something hurts stop doing it....*cough complete sobriety*. But in the name of harm reduction I will say PAWS are real and no joke and if you feel sobriety is something that will make you happy, keep you free, keep your family food and shelter, extra money in your pocket. Weigh which will make you happier and choose accordingly?
'

 

[psyd]

I find I feel great sober but I know I can't survive if I keep going how I am on drugs

 

[Delsyd]

It gets easier the longer you go. Congrats on the month. I bet if you go another 1-2 months most of the negative feelings will go away.
Try to find a hobby. I recommend working out as it has a high that goes along with it, you just have to work for it.

 

[washingtonbound]

Of course it does. People do drugs because sobriety fucking sucks.

You see all the pimples and the warts on society, on your loved ones, on your friends, even on the hot chick that you saw at Starbucks.

Being intoxicated creates an illusion that everything is fun and fine.

Sobriety disillusions you of your illusions.

Extremely well put. I like that analogy of “seeing all the pimples and warts on society.”
Might want to put that in a book somewhere

 

[Juicewrldfan]

It gets easier the longer you go. Congrats on the month. I bet if you go another 1-2 months most of the negative feelings will go away.
Try to find a hobby. I recommend working out as it has a high that goes along with it, you just have to work for it.

I completely agree that working out had a high. It’s difficult to find the motivation especially when you are in early recovery and experiencing drug-induced anhedonia. But if you make yourself do it regardless of the motivation or lack of, you will feel better for certain. I can almost guarantee it. Especially if you do I every day or nearly every day. I believe cardio is best for this but any high intensity training will release feel good chemicals AKA the runners high.

I have had periods in sobriety and I was more or less happy for the most part once I got past the first few months. You can certainly have a happy life without drugs.

For me though, I would get triggered if a traumatic memory and it would put me in a state where I couldn’t stop obsessing about suicide and experiencing intense emotional pain for days on end so the only options I could see was self medicating.

I am not suggesting this to be clear but my therapist looks at it as harm reduction and is okay with it for now until we work ggrubthe trauma completely. She is okay if I use kratom and cannabis ( have a medical card) and she is okay with occasional psychedelics but by occasional I mean 2-3 times a year and used in a manner that is productive not tripping just for the sake of tripping. She is especially supportive of the psychedelics used in that manner and is currently in training so that she can be licensed to open one of the first psychedelic therapy clinics in Ohio once it becomes approved all the way.

I had been using propylhexidrine, adderral, coke and methamphetamine before I stepped down to just kratom, cannabis, and occasional psychedelic use (2-3 times a year).

Other than that I play video games, work out, and try to eat well and take care of my health. I made new friends. Well I should say friend lol. That doesn’t do drugs and I don’t hang with anyone that does do the stuff I used to do. Basically I have this one friend lol. But I’m good with it. I have been managing fine this way for two months. That’s how long it’s been since I quit the hard drugs. I am happy 90 percent if the time. I guess what I mean is slightly above content and I am fully functional.

Again, my therapist looks at it as harm reduction similar to buprenorphine.

I am not saying this is the way to go. It’s just what’s worked for me because I’m all honestly I probably would not be alive right now if I would have stayed completely dry. The path to recovery is rarely a linear route.I hope things get better for you soon and just remember you are NOT alone.

Edit: by the way I am by no means recommending you use psychedelics especially since they are big in the rave scene. Especially not mdma. I only use mushrooms and i but them from a legal store that’s in California. I don’t operate in the underground anymore at all. That’s a slippery slope. And as we all know MDMA is highly addictive. I use mushrooms because they help me to side step the ego and see issues in my life and how to resolve them after integration with my therapist. I am not suggesting you do any of this.

 

[Tazadeguate]

I’ve had a pretty bad history the past ten years or so with drug abuse and have realized (finally) that I need to clean myself up and pretty much be totally sober to have any shot at having a life that’s not dependent on others and whatever assistance I can get from the government. I’m turning 28 next month and it has started to really scare me how much of my life I’ve wasted.

I started out spending a lot of time around the rave scene in college and would roll or trip just about every weekend for a while, which kind of siphoned off into problematic poly drug abuse. I didn’t have a daily addiction to anything except marijuana if you count that but the problem was that my binges would often land me in the psych hospital every few months or so. It became clear after the fourth or fifth time that I’d developed some kind of drug induced mood disorder.

Anyway, I could go into more detail about the history but that would be another thread on its own. Long story short I spent around twenty eight times in the hospital for these drug episodes and after the last one, which occurred while I was living in squalor in a border town in Mexico, I said enough is enough.

Since I’ve been sober I’ve been dealing with anhedonia and am just incredibly bored and depressed by everything. Trying to find a job is a hassle, none of my hobbies really interest me anymore, and it just seems like reality is smacking me in the face. I don’t know how people go about their day sober and manage to get excited about anything whatsoever. It kinda feels like everything is a cruel joke.

I’m not sure how things are going to improve, aside from me just changing my attitude, but lately I’ve really been in the dumps about not having any substances in my life. I know that sounds pathetic and immature, but I suppose I rewired my brain for the worst and it’s just going to take some time to get out of it.

Any input or advice would be appreciated.

Just focusing on what you have to be thankful for helps. Just watched turkey lose 50,000 people to an earthquake and many lost kids , parents,homes then another hit on top of all that. These are real people….I just remind myself I have nothing to complain about . Our world could be ripped out from under us from anything! Try praying and seeking God to show you your purpose! We need connection and purpose. Try not to isolate either. I know it’s tough when you can’t feel good about anything but your thoughts are a huge factor! Renew your mind with positivity and truth. Speak life over yourself make declarations over yourself that you will experience joy again and will feel alive again. The power of our mind is huge . Guard your thoughts and hold them captive when you notice them going down a dark road! I hope this helps

 

[Juicewrldfan]

Just focusing on what you have to be thankful for helps. Just watched turkey lose 50,000 people to an earthquake and many lost kids , parents,homes then another hit on top of all that. These are real people….I just remind myself I have nothing to complain about . Our world could be ripped out from under us from anything! Try praying and seeking God to show you your purpose! We need connection and purpose. Try not to isolate either. I know it’s tough when you can’t feel good about anything but your thoughts are a huge factor! Renew your mind with positivity and truth. Speak life over yourself make declarations over yourself that you will experience joy again and will feel alive again. The power of our mind is huge . Guard your thoughts and hold them captive when you notice them going down a dark road! I hope this helps

Yeah, definitely connection. Real life connection is best but online connection/virtual connection is the next best thing and works for me. I use bluelight and video gaming communities.

And taking your thoughts captive is a good one because if we allow ourselves to think about all the bad in our lives or the past all day then we of course become/stay depressed. Takes practice though. Yet it’s so true. I also find thinking about what I want my life to look like in the future and map out how I’m going to get there is a good way to instill feelings of hope which is so powerful. Hope is such a powerful emotion.

And definitely just overall being good to ourselves, getting nutrition, quality sleep, hobbies, and especially exercise.

I’m probably not saying anything that hasn’t been said before at this pint but I just wanted to reinforce what @Tazadeguate said.

Though I wouldn’t recommend watching the news it is good to think about what you do have that you are grateful for. The news for me can be a slippery slope into despair.

 

[Juicewrldfan]

@washingtonbound How are you feeling today man?

Do you do any online gaming? We can hang if you want if you game.

 

[washingtonbound]

Thanks a lot for your detailed response. Psychedelics unfortunately basically guarantee psychosis for me. Some have even recommend I stay away from Kratom. That’s why sobriety has been such a hassle, I now have worry about benign drugs that would be harmless to others.

Sadly, my gaming computer was stolen when I was having an episode. Very sad but I intend to gift myself a new one for my birthday if I can somehow find a decent job that allows it.

I appreciate your concern, today I am doing better, but still deal with random strange bouts of suicidal thoughts, although they are not as serious as they have been.

@washingtonbound How are you feeling today man?

Do you do any online gaming? We can hang if you want if you game.

 

[Juicewrldfan]

Thanks a lot for your detailed response. Psychedelics unfortunately basically guarantee psychosis for me. Some have even recommend I stay away from Kratom. That’s why sobriety has been such a hassle, I now have worry about benign drugs that would be harmless to others.

Sadly, my gaming computer was stolen when I was having an episode. Very sad but I intend to gift myself a new one for my birthday if I can somehow find a decent job that allows it.

I appreciate your concern, today I am doing better, but still deal with random strange bouts of suicidal thoughts, although they are not as serious as they have been.

I am very sorry that you are still having such a difficult time right now, but it’s to be expected until your neurotransmitters reset, but it WILL get better. I promise you. Just hang in there.

I feel for ya man. Thankfully I do not have to deal with psychosis. It is odd to me that they told you to stay away from kratom because they are actually looking at kratom to see if they can make a new antipsychotic medication. It has some similarities with antipsychotics the way it acts on some of the nuerotransmitters but hey what do I know I’m not a doctor and if you’re doctor told you to stay away from it you probably should. Plus some people do get heavily addicted to it. I don’t really have that problem with it because I don’t get the opiate effect from it due to my past abuse of opiates, but it gives me a mild mood lift and some stimulation. But yeah by all means if a medical professional told you not to use kratom because of a medical condition you have definitely stay away from it.

If I had a condition that involved psychosis I probably would stay away from everything that could possibly cause psychosis as well. I guess that means no cannabis either.

Like we were all talking about earlier though, there are other things you can do to help feel better. Lots of these things you will probably not feel like doing in the moment, but that’s just a side effect of anhedonia. Even if you don’t feel motivated to do them though at the very least try one or two of them. Just got to force yourself. This is all just based on my own experience and struggles I’ve had in the past.

Things like exercise even if it’s a mild exercise, like going for a walk. If you can do it in nature that’s a big plus. It’s a good way to start if you can’t find the motivation to do high intensity exercise yet. That will help. Maybe not as much as high intensity, but it will help significantly.

If you’re not working right now or otherwise busy I would go on two walks a day. One in the morning and one in the afternoon even if they are only 20 minutes.

And then engaging in other activities. I don’t know what hobbies you like, but try to think back to when the last time you were happy and what I mean is happy while not high. Even if it’s so far back that it was in your teens. What did you enjoy doing then as a hobby? Then try that out. Make yourself try that activity out that brought you joy/contentment even if it sounds silly now. Could be drawing, reading, playing an instrument. Just some ideas. I didn’t list watching tv because you don’t want to get stuck sitting around the house all day watching tv. Some is fine but too much gets depressing if you do that day I day out at least for me.

Listening to music is a really good one, but again don’t sit around your house in one spot the whole day. I know it’s tempting to do shen we’re depressed. I am not a big AA person personally but maybe try out some support groups. It’s free and it gets you out of the house and hopefully out of that headspace. And it gives you some social connection.

If that’s not appealing to you do you have any friends that don’t do drugs that you can hang out with? Family maybe?

Just trust and know that things will absolutely without a doubt get better. Anhedonia and suicidal thoughts can be really very hard to deal with especially on your own. But you are not alone. You have all of us here on bluelight that do care and want to see you get thru this.

I am sorry if I wrote too much. It’s just that I am kind of passionate about this because I truly do know how it feels to be in that headspace where you are just filled with despair and pain and feel so bad about yourself. I know it feels like it’s never going to change and that you may feel like you’re going to feel this way forever, but trust me I have been there and it will pass. I’m not going to lie and say just give it a few days because yeah it might only take a few days but sometimes it takes a weeks, 2 weeks or hate to say it because I don’t want to sound discouraging but sometimes it takes even longer before you feel completely better. Notice how I said COMPLETELY better.

It does get better little by little day by day. You will start to notice the difference. I’m not saying that you won’t feel better in a few days, I’m just saying you may not feel completely better for a bit. But as the days go on you will notice little by little things don’t look as dark and gloomy anymore and hope will return to your life.

I check bluelight very regularly throughout the day, day and night. So if you find yourself feeling that the darkness is overwhelming you please DM me or post here. Please reach out. You are not alone. We are here for you.