Mental Health So very confused and distraught.

[Ligaturd]

I've just started kind of coming to terms with what I have been experiencing. There have been situations where I actually overheard a few conversations that most people wouldn't have been able to hear, from the back deck of my parents house. What happened is, I confided in someone and started thinking I was hearing this person talking to other people about the things I confided in them with. They flat out denied it and it kept happening. I didn't know they lived there. They went to my addiction doctor and started talking to them because I was getting really irrate accusing them of living there and betraying my trust, after months of questioning my doctor about whether or not this happened (broken confidentiality) and them denying it. They relented and admitted that I was in fact hearing this person talking about stuff I confided in them with, and they do live there.

So this was confirmed. What made me doubt that it was real is that for years, usually under the influence of stimulants I would always hear people point me out in public and I would always get mental images of who it was but I would never be able to confirm it by looking around and trying to see someone I knew. My work has me working on residences around the city, on the exterior. I would always get this same sensation, and "hear" people point me out and get mental images of people I went to school with. Always, and I have horrible anxiety problems. I always have the feeling that I am being watched and it would be somewhat confirmed by hearing people point me out. This always got worse in opioid withdrawal, alcohol hangovers and of course stimulant usage. Smoking weed always brought upon this really vulnerable feeling of being watched, I would get embarassed when by myself thinking people were judging what I was thinking or whatever I happened to be watching. Just this constant vulnerable feeling and being so uncomfortable in my own skin. I have had these types of experiences since after some traumatic sexual experiences as a child. Trying to change my life and get sober (using suboxone currently to help me achieve that goal ultimately), my mental health just degraded tremendously. I've always had problems forming relationships and have connected with very few people in my life. I believe a lot of this has to do with my mental health problems. This voice phenomena started getting worse and I have been on Suboxone and off of all other drugs for long enough for this to not be attributed to drug use. I also experienced extreme suicidal depression and frustration that had me pacing around, unable to sleep for the first 4 months. Hearing these things and not one person confirming or denying them, I just broke mentally.

It's always a female voice, I hear it commenting on whatever I am doing in my room, when I am working out at home, in the bathroom, walking by various houses, and just being out in public. I have been taking olanzapine for the past couple months, it seems to be helping. It's really quite scary, it's something I have been somewhat passive about in the past but it just got so intense so fast and it had me alienating everyone around me when I desperately needed someone there. I can definitely understand why but having heard some things that were real and having that being denied, it just made it absolutely impossible to differentiate between anything and stay grounded.

The voices I hear are not angels, spirits or demons. It's typically people I used to know and it seems to play on my insecurities, it even just things people used to make fun of me for in school. There is also the possibility that, given the fact that I do have very good hearing and heard conversations being spoken inside a house across the alley from me, that I am actually hearing actual conversations. I just absolutely cannot know for sure given the fact that these people refuse to speak to me and give me that clarity or closure. I'm not sure what a solution is to this. My doctor flat out lied about it for months, even with my pleading to her that I heard them talking about it in the waiting room before my appointment and my insistance that I would not bring any legal troubles. She eventually did relent and admit that I did hear them talking about it but wont talk to me about it in depth still trying to cover her ass legally. The people in question absolutely refuse to admit it or just talk to me about what all of what I heard is true or not so I am at an impasse, extremely confused and unable to trust anyone I reached out to for help. This also happened at the NA meeting I was going to, I went there and started learning to talk in public and started talking to new people which was extremely hard for me and all of a sudden I start hearing what sounded like replies to what I had been talking about to the person I mentioned at the start of this post. I confronted these people and they denied it. I stopped going to this meeting because of my suspicions and a feeling that I couldn't trust anyone.

After months of this one member of that group relented and said that "you just have to accept that this happened". I started going back to the meeting. I spoke at that meeting, again incredibly hard for me. I mentioned what I thought had been happening and how it was affecting me. After the meeting I was sitting at the bus stop right outside the meeting, I saw a big group of people composed of mostly people from the meeting. I heard one person say "don't worry he has bad eye sight, he's on youtube I can see it" and I then heard someone say "that's bullshit, that kids a fucking liar". So the person at the beginning of this post had also gone to this NA meeting and had been talking to people there and been getting them to say shit for me to hear at the meeting. Me hearing them talk about what I confided in then with from my parents back deck and them lying about it, going to my doctor and creating a situation where my doctor felt she absolutely had to lie to me to save herself from legal troubles and going to this NA meeting as well just ripped away the two places where I tried to go to for social development and support. Everyone I reached out to for help, it feels so violating. I have no idea what to do, I desperately need people to just talk to me and be honest with me so that I can actually differentiate between fantasy or reality but I cannot get it anywhere.

I know that I need mental health help but I cannot get it with everything that has happened, with no one willing to just talk to me and let me know what has been generated in my mind, what are the voices and what did I actually hear that is real. I am at a loss as to what to do.

 

[herbavore]

Your mind is attacking itself. Sometimes I feel that hearing voices is the mental equivalent of an auto-immune disease where the body begins attacking itself through faulty 'information' (ie instead of attacking a pathogen, starts attacking healthy cells). One of the terrible things that happens when you hear voices like this is that it keeps feeding on the anxiety that it is in fact the source of: a perfect loop that traps you in self-doubt.

Lots of people find that CBT can help manage the reaction to the voices. You can learn to strengthen your rational mind and question what the voices are telling you about yourself. You can begin to set them off to one side of your existence.

I know this must feel so terrifying to not know what is real, what is paranoia and how to differentiate. One exercise I do with myself is to simply keep asking questions to my anxious mind. In the example you gave after the meeting when you thought people were talking about you, you might ask yourself, Do I really have any evidence that it is me they are referring to? (The answer is no.) If my fears are true and they are talking about me, have I heard the whole context of what they are saying? (The answer again is no.) If they are talking about me and it is as negative as I perceive it to be, what effect does this have on me? (At this point you have to face the feelings you have inside--perhaps they are feelings of being disconnected or alone when in a group. These feelings probably started long ago and they are reinforced by fear each time you are uncomfortable in a group.) Getting down past the levels of thought to the authentic levels of feeling allows you the opportunity to connect with yourself in a true way. Over time, you can change your thoughts so that they are encouraging rather than discouraging and that goes a long way towards having a sense of peace. I'm really sorry that you are experiencing this--it sounds very frightening. Trust that there is help out there and keep seeking it.

 

[DixiChik]

I'm sorry to hear this, Lig...Do you have access to the mental health centers within the "regions" of your state? If so, you should be able to see a therapist at a very low cost. It sounds like you are in desperate need of someone you can trust.

The irony is the "trust" factor. I understand to some degree, as I have trust issues based in my past experiences.

PLEASE look into getting what you need...sooner, rather than later. We care!

 

[Ligaturd]

Thanks for the reply herbavore, that's actually really helpful. When I come upon these feelings, the extreme panic and emotional response often completely debilitates me. Eventually, I hope to be able to step back and be able to rationalize these experiences and not instantly be thrown into feeling overwhelmed and unable to access my higher cognitive functions. I engage in obsessive behaviors to cope. I usually start pacing around unable to do much of anything. I often find myself being incredibly late for appointments because I get myself so worked up and my anxiety just gets so overwhelming and I get so irrationally neurotic.

Never being able to be completely satisfied whether or not what I am experiencing is a delusion or not, just increases the frustration and gives way to me frantically trying to piece everything together. I realize I have alienated everyone away from me with these outbursts but I really tried to get them to understand what was happening and that I desperately needed clarity, someone to just look me in the eyes and tell me the truth essentiall. I can understand their reaction to all of this... I don't know how I would feel about someone freaking out like I have been. Being accusatory,.. It's quite frustrating because I feel stuck and confronting all of this and being able to see what is fact and what is fiction seems absolutely essential.

I don't think people realize how important just being able to confront these thoughts in person and see the truth is for me. Not having that closure, that finality and clarity just sort of keeps me here and validates these thoughts and experiences I have been having.

I've been accused of using drugs by everyone I reached out to for help, even my addiction doctor. They are dismissive of my concerns about my mental health, hearing voices. They say it's all just "the disease of addiction", in being completely dismissive of it and telling me that I am super perceptive and have great hearing and validating all of these experiences, they are fueling the fire.

Dixichik, I live in Canada and there is an access mental health program in my province that, when referred to a psychologist or psychiatrist, it gets covered by health care. I am very fortunate. I recently, made it into a mental health and addictions program. It took 6 months to get in, it was an agonizing wait. Just going through this and trying to keep it together. I have had these sort of symptoms all of my life but it hit my like a ton of bricks when I decided to start taking steps toward getting sober. My addiction doctor is of the persuasion that mental health problems aren't real but a side effect of "the disease of addiction" but I sincerely believe that in my case, I have some severe mental health issues unrelated to my drug use. I haven't used any drugs that would cause these sort of symptoms for over 7 months now, I can't attribute anything that has been happening to me, to drugs.

I am finally connected to a therapist and a psychiatrist and I have a really great feeling and connected with them right away. I took a big leap and decided to put my trust in my therapist. They are removed from the other situation I was in previously so I feel like it's a new start, and that there is no reason not to trust them. I'm pretty optimistic about it.

 

[herbavore]

You sound really clear and in a good place despite what you are experiencing. I am so happy that you have the therapist and psychiatrist to balance out the ignorance of the addictions doctor. Glad that you are optimistic.

 

[Ligaturd]

This is a huge problem that is interfering with my life. The problem is that my addiction doctor who is treating me has gone behind my back and talked to the people in my life and told then not to be direct with me, not to bother with me and I am having all this paranoia and the simplest thing, seeing what is true or not once and for all is the only thing that absolutely everyone refuses to give me. That is the source of my obsession, being lied to and deceived and just needing the truth and it's been almost 8 months of psychological torture for me, it's gotten to the point where I am so frustrated and confused that I've wanted to off myself. They took liberties with my life that they had no right taking and it's directly aggrivating the mental health problems I am struggling with. This addiction doctor completely dismisses mental health problems and it is literally hurting me, I haven't quite been able to focus on anything else for 2/3rds of a year.

The problem is, the people I had reached out to actually live right near my parents house. I've been able to hear them talking about me when they have been out in their backyard at a party or whatever. That it was my doctor who looked up my facebook and got everyone I know to simultaneously say "i have my own problems" and refuse to see me. That's when the obsessing started. They caused so much heartbreak all at once, when I tried to get sober I was just beaten down with mental health issues that were extremely intense and the stress of everyone saying that same sentence to me and refusing to see me all at once, I've been having a mental breakdown. Lashing out at people, asking for them to give me the truth because seeing that pattern and being completely alone, hearing people talk about me, I desperately needed the truth because it's completely consumed me.

I've been completely debilitated theorizing and obsessing about it for 8 months. Every time I talk to someone I am just going on and on about what I think happened and all my doctors visits have been just me ranting about this. It's cruel. Much more has happened, it's been the worst experience of my life and the worst part is that my addiction doctor wants me to drop it and just let go. They admitted it to me, flat out admitted it but now they are denying it and that just fuels the obsession again and all they have done is fuck with my life and hurt me.

This is not something where I need to learn to cope and just put up with the wrong things that have happened. This is a situation where the "professionals" need to understand that dismissing a very real affliction their patient has and they are literally torturing them. How can they not understand that I have literally not been able to focus on anything else for this long? Also that the things they have done, the liberties they have taken with my life have destroyed me mentally, I keep telling them I saw that their nurse looked me up on facebook and everyone abandoned me saying the same things at the same time and being just told the truth would allow me to stop obsessing about being lied to? It's just this extreme amount of mental stress and everyone pushing for me to let it go and stop thinking about it actually aggrivates it, especially when I know they are lying now.

Sorry for the rant but this sounds like a problem I am having and in my case it's just being told the truth which would allow me to fully understand, accept what's been happening. The reason my addiction doctor is lying to me is they know what they did was wrong and illegal but they think I should just be able to drop it and forget it but I deserve to be told the truth and take back control of my life, and be able to confront and make decisions as to whether or not I continue my treatment with these "addiction specialists". Their whole philosophy dismisses mental health problems that I've had since I was a child, trying to say it's all "the disease of addiction" that I was born with but my drug use can't have affected my brain before I ever touched drugs. It is literally mental health problems that have been present my whole life which were exacerbated by cessation of poly drug abuse.

In my case I believe it is being able to see and acknowledge the truth, standing uo for myself and being understood, not being forcefully sequestered in a room by myself theorizing and lashing out at people desperately trying to find relief. I've identified the source of my obsession. There are different types of ocd, for those who compulsively organize, if they were tied to a chair in their room and the lights were turned off and someone told them they were trashing their room and disorganizing everything but they couldn't quite see it but they knew it was happening, it sounds stupid but they would eventually be so affected by it they might actually want to kill themselves to end the frustration.

I literally heard people talking about me at a party, everyone denied it. I found out everyone who was special to me in the past knew each other and hung out with each other. I questioned them on it and they said they had no idea what I was talking about. What I heard was things I was talking about with only a few people, I obsessed about it for months going from being kind of nice to accusatory, to begging and pleading.

Jesse first denied it but then he said "it's my friends they make mistakes" but then he went back to saying he didn't know what I was talking about. I heard people at a party talking about how I was a prostitute and that drove the obsession even more, I told people the truth but they kept denying it was them. After awhile of these accusations and obsessing they went to my doctor and started getting my doctor to accuse me of being a prostitute, cheating and using drugs and all of this shit, I told my doctor that it was obvious that one guy went to them because of the shit they were accusing me of. They kept denying it but this person admitted it right to me. This is why they have confidentiality agreements. So much more shit happened and just the constant deceptions and lies by everyone have been hurting me so much.

I'm not sure how to get it through to them that I am fully and completely consumed by this and its been psychological torture for me for over half a year. I want it to stop, my fears are not overstated, the severity of how horrible it's affecting me is not being overstated one bit. It seems so fickle and insignificant to everyone but it isn't to me.

I keep doing this as well. Posting long messages trying to understand and finally find some relief. It's horrible when the people you trusted and went to for help are the ones who have created so much pain and inner turmoil. It's been traumatic for me because it feels like everyone has taken over my life and made decisions for me and having the very real pain it has caused dismissed and being lied to, to my face after having it admitted to me. It causes this massive internal mental conflict, I am always suspicious of others and I am constantly reliving it, it has literally caused a psychosis because of all the stress and being uncertain of anything. I'm having anxiety attacks and "hearing" people point me out everywhere.

When I was going to NA, sara and satchel started going there and getting people to say things to me in their speeches. A few times direct replies to messages I had sent Sara the night before. Laura at the meeting had looked right at me and said "addiction IS a disease! It says it right here in this book! Stop talking to her, she is still in active addiction!" i asked laura about it and she said "no i must have been talking to someone else", then outside the meeting at the bus stop everyone was smoking behind me and they said "oh my god hes right there!" and then they said "don't worry he's on youtube and he has bad eyesight". It's the same thing that happened with my doctor. They were stalking me and spying on me. I told them I have anxiety and I was having paranoia and it was making it worse but they just kept doing it.

I told my doctor about it and he admitted satchel had gone there as a patient and I said, I think they have done this with 8 people (getting them to make condescending comments to me and accuse me of things satchel had been spreading about me, and then completely denying it when I asked them) and it took my ability to trust anyone away from me. My doctor said "oh, its a lot more than 8 people, you just need to drop it and let it go.". My last appointment with this doctor he completely denied having said that and said he had never met satchel before, I told him that I literally just need him to be honest with me, this is the reason they have doctor patient confidentiality but he just tried to place the blame on another doctor. I told him that the extent of their stalking and harassment and my obsessing, I completely lost touch with reality and wanted to kill myself it had affected me so much. He told me "nope, you aren't actively being hurt you can't call the police" I told him that I have every right to call the police as far as they have gone but I would never do that I just need someone to tell me the truth so I can stop being uncertain and stop obsessing. He just completely dismisses me and tells me that "no one is going to believe you, no one is going to testify, you need to drop it". That is the most overtly shitty thing to say to someone. They broke the lae, they have let this person torture me and they knew that this perso. Was going around to everyone I knew and fucking with my head.

They got everyone to suggest I go on anti-psychotics, I heard my doctors talking about satchel and how they told my doctor I was cheating and using research chemicals, they tested me 4 times that month and that cost me $360 out of my own pocket. This was from the waiting room 30 minutes from my appointment, they were having lunch and talking about all of this. The nurse who looked me up on facebook, she said "he's here, i just saw him". I confronted them about it and my doctor said "no you are hearing things!" and then she said "lets not focus on the past, just let it go". But then they prescribed me anti-psychotics saying I was hearing voices.

The next appointment she admitted it, she admitted that they went there and admitted that I had in fact heard them talking about me from my backyard at a party and that it wad all the people I reached out to and they all denied it and told me to go in anti-psychotics. My doctor then said they prescribed the anti-psychotics for agitation and sleep which is not what they said, they said it was for hearing voices initially until they admitted that I did in fact hear them talking about that but this last appointment they are denying everything.

I have been lied to and deceived and hurt by absolutely everyone in my life and even pushed to go on anti-psychotics so people can feel better about themselves. In my doctors case they are lying to cover their own asses even after I told them I would never bring the police into it. These people don't realize that the extreme stres from my ocd and their deception has been traumatic for me, I have absolutely no capacity to trust them or anyone else after everything that has happened. I have been pacing around freaking the fuck out for 8 months now and this is the most sadistic torture, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I just don't know a way out.

I now am seeing a therapist and psychiatrist but they want to treat me for full blown schizophrenia when ehat I have is psychosis from having my OCD and anxiety problems dismissed and people actually doing these things and my addiction doctors knowing about it and even encouraging it. My therapist doesn't believe me and my addiction doctor is not willing to just tell the truth because they think I will report them. I sincerely wish people would just tell the truth because the extent of the deception has caused a lot of problems with me. Everyone is telling me to just ignore it and let go but I have literally been physically sick from the frustration and never having relief.

I had a panic attack trying to go to the movie theatre yesterday. Reaching out to people and hearing that the people I trusted were all lying to me and talking shit about me at that house has been traumatic and I have been constantly reliving these insances and obsessing about them. I constantly believe that anyone new I meet will do the same things to me. I feel like if I can't trust my doctor and my doctors dismiss mental health problems I wont have luck getting help anywhere else.

My addiction doctor lying and playing everything off as a delusion after admitting to it, it puts me in a bad place trying to get help with my therapist. I just want relief.

 

[mrflippy]

Okay, I'm no professional(though I will be one day) and it seems you just will not accept the reality that this whole situation is in fact a delusion.
You keep saying that all you need is someone to be straight up & honest with you. And after reading everything you've written, it seems everyone has been honest with you. So I am sorry this has taken control of your life. Because you'll never get closure if you won't accept the possibility that what you've experienced is in fact delusional.
And I'm not saying this to be rude, but it's irrational to believe someone is literally devoting all of his/her energy and time into this mind game you think is being played. I mean really what motive do you believe is fueling this person/people to go through this much trouble just to expose your insecurities? Is there any possibility that in fact this really isn't rational & maybe you've been obsessing over somthing that in fact isn't going on? Because the more you're willing to accept that possibility I feel the sooner you will find closure & possibly move on with your life. And even if this Is going on (its not) is this person really worth all the stress? Abusive people only win when you give them control. And this person (real or not) is winning because your letting him control your emotions. You can't let them win. Because the day you stop letting them control you is the day you turn the tables and take that winning step towards taking control of your life back. But regardless I hope I didn't stray away from my main point in that this isn't reality. From an outsider looking in its obvious this isn't reality.

 

[mrflippy]

Also after reading your last post it seems to be pathological. I really suggest trying to find inpatient treatment. It seems obvious that these situations where your being criticized are paranoid delusions/hallucinations. And on top of that you will confront and accuse these people. You seem completely convinced, & honestly probably are scaring these people you are accusing. Only narcissists believe they are so important that everyone is talking about them. Because in reality your not that important! Lol I don't mean this is a rude way but seriously your not important enough for someone to spend all their time making your life miserable. I feel your stuck in a Web woven of paranoid psychosis, self-defeating narcissism & obsessive compulsive delusions. And in turn I'm worried eventually your going to hurt yourself or someone innocent that just happened to be the target of your hallucinations. I hope you don't become hostile in a situation towards someone who really hasn't betrayed you.. that's all the advice I have.. I truly believe your not in control any longer and you can't help yourself without an outside force. Maybe the opiates were a way of self-medicating. And when you stopped taking them you also lost a balance that was keeping you from going over the edge. I wish you well. Thank you.

 

[Ligaturd]

The fact of the matter is, these things actually started happening and I started obsessing about it and being accusatory and not letting go when people wanted me to drop iy. The fact that I kept on picking on it encouraged people to do these other things. What I described in my last post, those are things that actually happened and it's just how far they went that gives justifications for my current psychotic symptoms.

Absolutely, it has turned onto this whole narcissistic delusion but I have confirmed many of these occurances. It's never having any perspective other than my own that only allows me to see my own view point and justifies the existence of the obsession. It's uncertainty that is the basis of all of this which is why confrontation and seei g the truth are extremely essential to letting go of any misconceptions I have.

All of these people have admitted to these things and then gone back and denied them after, in my doctors case its because they realize what they did was illegal but I would never bring any harm on them because of it. I would at the very least be able to understand it, understand where I am wrong and be able to trust them again. This behavior directly fuels my paranoia and self centered thought patterns because I only have my own view point which is essentially a closed circuit I am stuck in.

Besides being accusatory I am harmless. I'm not a danger to myself or others, there was a point at the start where I was extremely affected by these occurances and wanted to kill myself to stop the obsessing but I got through that. It's accepting the things that did happen and seeing what actually didn't happen that will allow me forward momentum. Everyone is hoping I will just drop it and be ok with it but I desperately need outside information from the people directly involved in my delusions. Not having that like I said is keeping me stuck.

 

[manboychef]

Will the truth really help you? If it is happening will it make it any better knowing?

This is a problem I too face. I don't understand it, but my life has gotten better when I focus more on what I think about myself and less about what people think of me.