Hi Evey
I have had depression for so long as well as BPD and anxiety. I've never had proper treatment and all my symptoms have grown progressively worse, to the point where I am in such psychological pain, I cannot bear it.
I've tried to reach out many times. Two years ago I begged the local services to help me, but all they had (for BPD) was very intensive group therapy where you discuss each other's thoughts all day, but my social anxiety was so severe, I told them it would be too much for me. They just told me that was it and hung up on me.
I tried again last year to get support, but the mental health team treated me poorly because of the BPD diagnosis. I had such bad depression & anxiety, I could barely move or leave the house, and they kept accusing me of 'not engaging' and said if I didn't make more effort then there was nothing they could do. Around that time I took seven serious overdoses. After each overdose I was sent home.
I left the country for a while with my partner and tried to rehabilitate myself in the south of France, (with brief private therapy via the phone) which eased the depression slightly, but worsened the anxiety. Then I came back and after a lack of support again am now experiencing the worsening of the depression.
I am again trying to access support, but the mental health workers treat me with contempt. I have not been allocated a community psychiatric nurse, so every time I call them it is a different person each time, and most of whom treat me like a nuisance, even though I am in severe emotional pain and desperately want help.
The last person I spoke to did hang up on me, he said he was going to hang up and then did. (Because I was crying too much).
Another guy spoke to me like I was a child, barely giving me a chance to talk and saying persecutory remarks whenever I said anything. (I told him I was worried about my violent behaviour, and he abruptly said that I just need to take responsibility). It was not a helpful thing to say to someone who already feels guilty and is just asking for help.
Anyway, I have been in pain for so long that is getting more unbearable, and there are such little resources out there who deal with complex needs (charities are not equipped to deal with needs like mine). Suicide seems like the only option for me.
I've been told I'm too high risk for therapy and most therapists don't even know how to begin to help me. I need specialised help.
I feel more suicidal each day as I see more & more that there is no hope. I have tried going to A&E but the only thing they have to offer are those teams that I mentioned.
And not only are they ill-equipped and judgemental, the lack of consistency is also unsettling.
My mom can try and get me admitted if she likes, I want help, but there is hardly any there. For me to be referred to a specialist hospital, the care commissioner said I have to engage with those teams for several months before being considered.. The teams that make me feel worse, and who also induce my suicidal ideation.
I am not defeatist. I am a girl with BPD living under a conservative government who have decided to kill the NHS.
And they wouldn't section me. I have 'mental capacity' so they don't section you unless you are psychotic.. Last week in A&E (after the police threatened me to go) I refused the mental health assessment, because all they have to offer are those mental health support teams. I was sent home.
I'm reaching out to this forum as I'm so desperate. I really need treatment but there doesn't seem to be any. I know you are very limited in what you can do, I just didn't know where else to turn