I have been over reacting a bit well a lot to things the past couple days on day 5 just now yet again the day i usually fuck up when trying to quit lol. i felt okay today..but still not good with stress or anger or anything...just over reactive but I dont think this was I dont know maybe it was it probably actually was but im confused. only slept an hour last night n been up a long time now too so that dosnt help. Was going to go to bed hours ago but..this happened. I have a friend, that i have had sex with before...even recently a couple weeks ago. Pretty much the only friend that i truly trust lately. Dont really have that many freinds that live here or are around anyways right now for different reasons moving and such. the ones I do have...well this is the only one i really trust n can be completley comfortable around. I dont really talk to him too much but he knows enough. he knows whats goin on right now n that i was tryin to stay calm tonight. He offered me a backrub lol that sounded amazing but i made it clear that it would just be a backrub i didnt want anything else at all right now lol he was good with that, do that a lot. but right away he starts joking around trying to pull down my pants i was kinda laughing but said no i cant right now. he ended up almost raping me....I was telling him no seriously fuck off ect...over n over n kicking him away he was holding down my wrists..a lot bigger then me i couldnt move and ive been through rape before...multiple times so...i freak out over shit like this..i have ptsd from it too. he knows i get flashbacks...i was trying to yell at him to stop...cuz its like he thought i was joking ( i dont joke like that) I was saying it seriously i was kicking him seriously lol...but i couldnt yell...i just froze up tensed up and all i could say is seriously fuck off get the fuck off me what are you doing....he kept trying for a while..felt like a long time but was probably only 5 min or so...then finally he stopped...i just said no your not gonna do that and got up and he was saying well i was hinting at it...i did give him a hug lol n kinda a close one before...like my head was on his chest...that was it..n i told him well i obviously wasnt playing around saying no couldnt u tell by me kicking u...what were you even gonna do...he pretty much said he was gonna do it till i liked it....then probably by the look on my face he said...i dont rape ppl...i just felt fucking...shocked...partly cuz it was a huuuge trigger to the ptsd and it makes me go blank n numb out...while he was doing that i felt so fucking helpless i just wanted to scream but i couldnt...all i said was i thought you were going to...i dont know what the fuck to think or what i would have thought if you continued...and he just implied that id start to like it. This may all be a huge over reaction lol...i dont know right now....it just felt fucked. I cant sleep. I realllllllly wanna go pick up but im ttrying so hard to stop. I cant wrap my head around this for some reason right now....Sorry this is lonnng probably..I barely know what im saying...just confused shocked and cant take any stress..problem is he is my close friend he will probably be here tomorrow but i cant figure out wtf just happened lol....help me brain cuz i have the dumb....what happened what is happening...I dont know....
Didnt know where to post this either....not quite drug related but kinda..ha yeah...i dont know
Didnt know where to post this either....not quite drug related but kinda..ha yeah...i dont know
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