manboychef
Bluelighter
I just received a phone call from my ex whom is the mother of my one child. He is six. She was returning one of my many phone calls trying to reach him. Of course he wasn't there all she wanted to do was tell me how much of a scumbag I am for not being in his life. I am not in his life as a result of her.
She took my son in the middle of the night and filed orders of protection against me for her and my son. I had broken up with her, and was seeking custody due to the fact that she was stealing from me, and stealing from neighbors.
I came home one night from seeing my lawyer (I worked all the time, so I had to meet with him at night to start the paperwork) She realised what I was doing and called the cops and said I was abusing her and my son. There was no proof but I was required to leave my home for the night and stay at my dad's. She and her mother took my son and brought me to court. It was unfairly tipped in her favor and I ended up with supervised visits. Her mother was my supervisor and always threatened to make it so I couldn't see my son.
At this point I gave up on life. I started using drugs again, this time with no regard to living or dying because the best thing in my life was taken from me, and I was paying out all the extra money I had every week after my sixty hour workweek for the service. I didnt have enough money to feed myself let alone drive to go visit, so I sold drugs which turned into me using them to stop the depression and self loathing.
Fast forward five years. I have barely seen him because I live on the opposite side of the country. She rarely returns my phonecalls and will never call so I can talk to him on her own. The verbage in the custody aggreement states that we meet halfway and split the costs...I would think picking up the phone and letting me talk to him would be meeting me halfway. The phone call today was to tell me that if the shoes were on the other foot and I was the sole custody of my son she would stop at nothing to see him. She doesn't understand that Child support, distance, and fear are pretty good deterrents. I am so afraid of losing him again so I am terrified to get close. I tried killing myself on fathers day because the pain became too much, fortunately it didn't work. Basically, I am worried about starting a relationship with him because of the fact that she has no care how badly it hurt taking him in the first place, and that feeling is always on the table.
She tried to chew me out about it and I told her it has been five years and I am just coming to grips with the loss. I still have dreams that his crib is in my room and I hear him crying and I get up and look in the crib and nothing is there. I wake up crying sometimes because of this. She has no compassion for the situation. I had to stop her and say, you have no right to talk to me this way. You kidnapped our kid and made it impossible for me to even call him for a year. What gives you the right to question the way I handle this. I had to say, "thats enough, thats enough, you have no idea the emotional pain that comes with loss like this, you have no right to tell me I am not doing what I need to do." I am reminded of this everytime I get a paycheck and I can't pay my bills because of an extra 204 dollars going to my son, or whenever I see on facebook that she is going here with him, or there with him. I have stopped looking at facebook because it makes me cry sometimes.
I don't know what to do. I don't have the money to fight her in court...she gets free representation. I can't keep running faster to stay in the same place do the childsupport which doesn't afford me the money to drive/fly up and visit. I am sick of calling and leaving messages that never get returned until she wants to call into question what type of father I am. I sure as shit cannot keep going this way because I miss him.
The worst part is I go through each day wondering even if he knows I exist, and why she thinks just because she sometimes picks up the phone for me it makes her a much better person than me. We are two different people and all I want is just to be met somewhere in the middle. I can only afford once a year for her and him to fly down here to florida...I just wish she met me in the middle and used some of my child support on plane tickets.
I dunno, I'm just angry and feeling used up.
She took my son in the middle of the night and filed orders of protection against me for her and my son. I had broken up with her, and was seeking custody due to the fact that she was stealing from me, and stealing from neighbors.
I came home one night from seeing my lawyer (I worked all the time, so I had to meet with him at night to start the paperwork) She realised what I was doing and called the cops and said I was abusing her and my son. There was no proof but I was required to leave my home for the night and stay at my dad's. She and her mother took my son and brought me to court. It was unfairly tipped in her favor and I ended up with supervised visits. Her mother was my supervisor and always threatened to make it so I couldn't see my son.
At this point I gave up on life. I started using drugs again, this time with no regard to living or dying because the best thing in my life was taken from me, and I was paying out all the extra money I had every week after my sixty hour workweek for the service. I didnt have enough money to feed myself let alone drive to go visit, so I sold drugs which turned into me using them to stop the depression and self loathing.
Fast forward five years. I have barely seen him because I live on the opposite side of the country. She rarely returns my phonecalls and will never call so I can talk to him on her own. The verbage in the custody aggreement states that we meet halfway and split the costs...I would think picking up the phone and letting me talk to him would be meeting me halfway. The phone call today was to tell me that if the shoes were on the other foot and I was the sole custody of my son she would stop at nothing to see him. She doesn't understand that Child support, distance, and fear are pretty good deterrents. I am so afraid of losing him again so I am terrified to get close. I tried killing myself on fathers day because the pain became too much, fortunately it didn't work. Basically, I am worried about starting a relationship with him because of the fact that she has no care how badly it hurt taking him in the first place, and that feeling is always on the table.
She tried to chew me out about it and I told her it has been five years and I am just coming to grips with the loss. I still have dreams that his crib is in my room and I hear him crying and I get up and look in the crib and nothing is there. I wake up crying sometimes because of this. She has no compassion for the situation. I had to stop her and say, you have no right to talk to me this way. You kidnapped our kid and made it impossible for me to even call him for a year. What gives you the right to question the way I handle this. I had to say, "thats enough, thats enough, you have no idea the emotional pain that comes with loss like this, you have no right to tell me I am not doing what I need to do." I am reminded of this everytime I get a paycheck and I can't pay my bills because of an extra 204 dollars going to my son, or whenever I see on facebook that she is going here with him, or there with him. I have stopped looking at facebook because it makes me cry sometimes.
I don't know what to do. I don't have the money to fight her in court...she gets free representation. I can't keep running faster to stay in the same place do the childsupport which doesn't afford me the money to drive/fly up and visit. I am sick of calling and leaving messages that never get returned until she wants to call into question what type of father I am. I sure as shit cannot keep going this way because I miss him.
The worst part is I go through each day wondering even if he knows I exist, and why she thinks just because she sometimes picks up the phone for me it makes her a much better person than me. We are two different people and all I want is just to be met somewhere in the middle. I can only afford once a year for her and him to fly down here to florida...I just wish she met me in the middle and used some of my child support on plane tickets.
I dunno, I'm just angry and feeling used up.
