Smoking crack and sniffing dope.

It's been a little while since I've used any drugs other than the ones I'm prescribed.

But today I had a day with no commitments and no one was going to be home with me but my dogs.

So I decided to pick up a bundle of dope and some crack. Not too much but nowhere near enough, as anyone who has ever been addicted to drugs may know...

I've been smoking the crack all day and sniffing the dope. I've got to go to the supermarket with my girlfriend to buy the food we need for Thanksgiving dinner. That's going to be a fucking trip. I don't want her to know I'm on drugs, especially crack, but it's going to be pretty fucking obvious.

It's going to be pretty terrible. I fucked up again. I'm so sorry, bubba bear, I really am. I've just been so depressed and anxious lately. This is obvious but I want to fucking fix it.

I don't really subscribe to the AA/NA thing of complete abstinence, because I've been somewhat successful on Suboxone but honestly maybe I need to reevaluate that.

I want to get the hell off of Suboxone and Klonopin but it's going to be so fucking hard. I think I am going to have to go in-patient for that because I've been on Klonopin for over 5 years, probably closer to 8 years. And I've been dependent on Suboxone for 3+ years. I'm on 8mg per day sublingual Suboxone.

It's going to be a bitch to get off of them both. I think I would get off Suboxone first and then work on getting off of Klonopin, because there's no way in hell I would subject myself to concurrent benzo and opioid withdrawal.

I need to get off of these medications.

I want to wake up in the morning and not need any pills or powders or whatever to get through my day. I want to feel natural endorphins again. I want to sleep naturally again and not be knocked out chemically.

There's a time and a place for drugs and chemicals, I truly believe that, but I've wasted over 10 years of my life on chemicals.

I know I need to do grief counseling to help me deal with the loss of my mother.

I also know I need to get off of Suboxone and Klonopin because they're like a ball and chain I drag around with me, making everything hazy and surreal.

 

Hey its good to see you back on the site! I have enjoyed reading your posts for years now. I am sorry your not feeling so good about yourself but I don't think things are as bad as they seem from what you describe. So you had a slip up with the dope and crack? Big deal its one day. From what you wrote I think getting into counseling should be the first priority of those you mentioned. Making major life decisions like quitting sub and kpin while dealing with grief is a bad idea a real bad idea actually.

If you do decide to get off those drugs do it very slowly with an outpatient taper then maybe do the inpatient at the very end for the final jump. You don't want to go inpatient and get some crazy 5 day taper that totally leaves you in hell and sets you up for catastrophic relapses. Trust me I've been there done that literally got the stupid ass t-shirt from the detox lol.

Anyway take a deep breath and reflect on how far you have come in your work on yourself because it sounds like you have made a ton of progress from what I remember you posting a year or 2 ago.

Peace
cj

 

Hang in there rabid at least you know that part of you wants to be free from being dependent on drugs. It's not going to all happen overnight but there are a lot of people who genuinely care about drug addicts and are willing to help them improve their lives

Whether it's a rehab, a therapist, shit I mean people on bluelight.

We're around

 

RabidRabbit,

My sincere condolences regarding the passing of your mother. How long has it been? Was she ill or was it unexpected?

My stepdad recently was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer, we were shocked. My mom and bio dad died years ago. I like your idea of a grief counselor. I'm going to do the same.

How did shopping go? Did it go smoothly? Happy Thanksgiving! My dad OD'd on this holiday years ago....only 55. I like Christmas better. And the New Year although I don't do resolutions.

I've been on Klonopin for ten years. I see you have been taking it for a long time, too. For some reason, I have never abused it. But I'm obviously dependent. Plethora of psych meds.

I was (am?) an alcoholic but I don't drink anymore. Took two detoxes. AA/NA doesn't resonate with me, either. Quit smoking cigarettes, too. I'd been doing that since I was a teenager (well, both alcohol and cigs). I'm 99% abstinent. Boyfriend doesn't drink or smoke. That helps a lot. Alcohol was killing me.

I subbed to your blog and I'll read back and return. Sorry for talking about me so much. I thought it was a good idea since you don't know me from Adam. Or it's the Adderall motor mouth. No worries about replying if you don't want. Ugh, typed too much.

ttyl

 

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your unfettered truth. Your honesty makes me feel safer sharing mine as I deal with my challenges. I hope you don't mind me subscribing.