Slightly Baffled At My Old Drug Routine

[Jimmy_Pop]

This is sort of a follow up to this thread:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/720491-Been-Sober-A-Week

I figured I'd start a new one because this one deals with a specific subject.

It's been over a month since I've touched coke. I haven't been counting down in days but I think it's around a month and a half now.

Something really strange I've noticed especially in the past week or two:

This near-incredulity at a behavior that I myself engaged in regularly for 2 years.

When I stop to think about what I was doing, I'm almost dumbfounded. It's like...

"You mean to say I actually took a cab downtown, waited around for some dude I barely knew to show up and sell me some drug, spent over $80 on the drug, and would sometimes repeat this routine up to 4 times a week?!?"

The whole routine was so weird. I didn't even use socially. I would just get cabs two and from these bars and take my supply home with me... And I ALWAYS mixed it with alcohol. I get this really weird feeling thinking about it now, like it almost creeps me out what I was doing. I've even had nightmares involving my dealer and shit. It's hard to explain.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

That's normal, it's a positive sign suggesting that your mental position has shifted a great distance from where you were when you were using.

I used to do similarly idiotic shit. I'd get a cab to drive me to the spot to meet my dude, get out and get the cab to wait, get back in and get it to drop me home. I'd repeat it four times in a fucking day sometimes, I was probably spending almost as much on taxis as I was on drugs.

 

[Hambostein]

Yo Jimmy Pop !! ..... firstly congratulations on being off the coke for so long, well done !!

I've been involved in the art messing myself up with various substances for most of my adult life and feel I know exactly what you are talking about, the depths that you can sink to at times really come back to haunt you don't they ?

I'm 56 years old now and the past couple of years have been the cleanest of my life since I was 15/16 (just booze these days, and not every day either, no problem just a hobby) .... those creepy feeling about my past aren't as bad as they used to be, but there again I've been practicing that Mindful Meditation malarky, that helps get you in control of bad thoughts (well does in my case)

Don't know what I'm trying to say, but just don't beat yourself over things, sounds like you're doing well to me, again .... well done !!

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey congrats on seeing through the illusion. Thats what addiction really is.. its a delusion. Once we are able to see it for what it really is it does seem really wacked doesn't it.

When we combine coke with ehtyl aclohole there is a chemical reaction thaty takes place and cocaethylene is formed. In my opinion and experience this is one of the most addicting substances on earth. I belive that this molecule can pass through the blood brain at a level even faster than coke alone. It increases the toxicity of coke ten fold or 1000%. Coke already pass through the Blood brain so quickly that it is suspected of causing damage because of the heat generated with the transfer.

I think that seeing through the addiction is the very key to beating it. Now that you have been able to see through how it manipulated you, you can apply this same principal to every thing that tries to control or influence you. If we are able to see addiction for what it is and see through its game then we can see through everything that manipulates us.. it enlightenment.. junky style

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Good for you! I am having similar experiences.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I know it's crazy what you put yourself through when you're using. When I was living in LA those last six months I used to drive an hour and an hour back everyday to get to my dealer sometimes in traffic... I've spent 2 hours in traffic, or entire afternoons sitting in some disgusting junky apartment waiting for my dealer's connect to arrive. I was working a day job over the sumer and I never used to get to eat lunch or go on a break with my colleagues because I would just drive to and back from my dealer. Stupid, stupid things like shooting up in a parking lot where I worked... and I'm always amazed at how much money I have now and can do nice things like go a vacations, something I never did before because I didn't have the money because everything went to drugs and was afraid to be away from my dealer. And I also do this amazing thing now where I SAVE my money... I don't know why, something about using just made me spend everything practically before I earned it (usually on drugs). Now I love saving up my money!

 

[mjl22881]

Yep, I can definitely relate. When we get clean, at least for me anyways, we tend to look back and go "what the fuck was I thinking"? It's been over a month for me, clean and sober, and I've ran the gamut of nightmares and cringing at past behavior. Sometimes I'll just be sitting around during the day and think "oh my God, I was putting what in my veins again? Everyday!". I think about all the crazy situations I found myself in, or more rightly PUT myself in. The shady characters I crossed paths with and associated with along the way. It's just insanity and the farther away I get from it and more sanity and clarity returns to me the MORE insane and circus-like my using life was like. My life was pretty much a constant reel of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas for at least the past several years and what is crazy is that I thought it was cool and having a ball. Sure, it had it's fun times but really it was all just a big waste of time. Digging clean and sober and not being a slave to anything!!!

 

[legalizeall]

This is sort of a follow up to this thread:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/720491-Been-Sober-A-Week

I figured I'd start a new one because this one deals with a specific subject.

It's been over a month since I've touched coke. I haven't been counting down in days but I think it's around a month and a half now.

Something really strange I've noticed especially in the past week or two:

This near-incredulity at a behavior that I myself engaged in regularly for 2 years.

When I stop to think about what I was doing, I'm almost dumbfounded. It's like...

"You mean to say I actually took a cab downtown, waited around for some dude I barely knew to show up and sell me some drug, spent over $80 on the drug, and would sometimes repeat this routine up to 4 times a week?!?"

The whole routine was so weird. I didn't even use socially. I would just get cabs two and from these bars and take my supply home with me... And I ALWAYS mixed it with alcohol. I get this really weird feeling thinking about it now, like it almost creeps me out what I was doing. I've even had nightmares involving my dealer and shit. It's hard to explain.

What i trip out on, when im sober, is reflecting on is how much time is put into it. From calling, getting the money, travel time, waiting etc. If you add how much time in a week that is devoted in some way to the drug, its pretty amazing.

 

[phactor]

Sucks doesn't it?

We all did really stupid things at one time or anything. "Regular" people do as well. But I was very very devoted to get fucked up. Since I started using early, it was the only way I knew how to live! Scary shit but I am good today!