sleep-deprived rants on a missing boyfriend

[yoUr bLiSS]

I can't believe you are not home
I can't believe even more you have not called
Keeping tabs is not my style
Nor is not calling to be late yours
If it were any other day all would be well
Circumstances define actions
You should be here now
It is you who led me to this state
I went along with it I admit
I went along with you
Alone these are waters I fear to tread

I know why you are not here
You change with him
I believe he brings out the worst in you
As if he alone is not enough I worked tonight
You always get this way the nights that I work
So what if I dance for tips?
Someone had to support us the first few months
You use your "acceptance yet disapproval" as an excuse to get fucked up
To talk shit and pretend not to care as much as you do

Yet the real point here is not your silly testoserone binge
It's the complete lack of consideration
It's the state I'm in
This may be peanuts for you
Well it's watermelons for me
I've never been here
I'm freaked out maybe even a little scared
Don't get me wrong
I'm sure as hell no stranger to the company of this little demon
I just choose to never stay more then one night

It must be going on 3 days now
Earlier today I told you things seemed odd
By now it has multiplied
You know you have lots of experience
I've always heard about these things
I know get to experience them
Alone

Nevermind I'm not alone
I've got the company of phantom shadows
I keep hearing noises
I keep jumping out of my seat
Yet nothing is there
I assume the paranoia will be creeping in soon
I don't get it
Why would you purposly go here?
Why did I come with you???

How dare you leave me like this
And knowingly to boot
Your concern in my lack of experience
And my long drive home from work
Obviously lost importance in the presence of your stupid friend
I bet you all did a whole lot more
I bet you paid for his as well
And I'd bet my life that the pot he was "hooking up"
(your main reason for even going back there...yeah right)
The pot I gave you hard earned bootie shaking money for
The pot we were supposed to smoke when I got home
The pot to "relax, chill out, come down and sleep" with
I bet it's already more then half gone
All smoked to his head
Oh yeah your head too

Obviousley I harbor resentment
Only towards this one
I don't understand the control he has on you
He's keeping you out tonight
The sun will be up soon
I still can't get over that $70
Gone in one day on beer, pot, and groceries
Not just for you for him
It was at the end of those 5 weeks
5 weeks of trauma and doctor visits
5 weeks of not being able to work
5 weeks with no income AT ALL
My savings was just about tapped
Top ramen was our diet
You had no job at the time
Yet you spent all that money on him

I must put this bitch session to end
You'll feel terrible when you finally come home
You always do
Except this time it's not money
Nor is it about slamming the doors and cold streets
I haven't mentioned that one yet have I?
Please bear with me for one more

The neighborhood was shady
Not that I was afraid
But I know you and you would never let me walk alone
I decide to leave and give you guys some "boy time"
He offers to walk me out while you finish playing a song
"How considerate!" I think to myself
Maybe he's not all that bad
I open the door and walk out assuming he's behind me
SLAM!
No goodbyes
No nothing
I waited a moment for you to run out
Yet you never came
I figured he did not even tell you
Maybe you didn't even know
It turns out you did
He convinced you I'd be fine
So there you stayed

The walls are getting stranger
A new element of brief flashes of white light has entered
This is a horribly unfamiliar state to be without you
I would feel safe despite the sketchiness
It's been more then 10 hours since the last
Sleep should soon come easily
If only I wasn't afraid to close my eyes
If only you had fucking been home hours ago

If only you were here

 

[E-girl]

heartful... your emotion just pours out of this, like it does in all your works.
i could comment on so much of it, but we will leave it at this, the line that stood out the most to me:

You should be here now

sometimes, after all that ranting, all that analyzing, all that should-ifs and should-have-beens, this is what you could have summarized the whole piece up in (although we wouldnt have gotten the full effect of the situation)
....
You should be here now

maybe the test of any good relationship, friendship or otherwise... is having that person there when you need them to be there. or when they say they will be there.

their absence speaks volumes. and i wish i would have figured that out years ago.

 

[neverwas]

i actually had a really heart felt reply for you hun but tryin to put it into words has prooved more difficult than thought.

sleep dep does funny things to ones mind it isnt easy to think straight, deal with things even function well without sleep.

just the change ive recently seen in your writting is enough to make me worry bout your current situation make me worry bout you. i know you write a lot bout your own personal life and emotions. we all do cause its so easy to relate to.

its weird how when something suddenly dissappears from you and your life, with no answer or consideration for your own state, thats when you realise you miss them. thats when you realise how dependant you become on one another.

************
You should be here now
************

 

[harraser]

.