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Mental Health sitting here, alone..almost new years now...life seems really pointles

F

FAD

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 10, 2015
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in the dark woods
hahahhaha i write a long ass post about how pathetic i am and it all gets lost...had to read some guidelines and BLUA...I CLICKED ON THEM AND I DID NOT READ THEM AT ALL !!!! SYSTEM WORKS i guess , PRAISE JESUS,, PRAISE MODES.
anyway i'm here all alone like very year...had a fallout with my family for nothing...no i'm just waiting to get my 700 mg codeine and ganja lean on and live through this horrible day...most ppl having fun with dem mates, sexing up their girlfriends ( which by the way i have not had for 8 years now - no sexytime, no cuddle time ). had or though i had a real friend...he stabbed me hard, i lost A LOT OF dollars because of that little snaky cunt !!!! NEVER TRUST NO ONE except your mother ( but she does not to know it anyway )
no i am here, thinking how long am i able to take it...what's the point...it's so paradoxical, i am a misanthrope and i still long companionship for true ppl who would not just run away when shit hits the fan...i have no one except my mother and 140 BPM music...without those i would easily made a nice benzo, 3-MF and alcohol mix.
i hate myself for being such a pussy and i hate life being like it is...mostly just suffering...i know it is the one thing unites us all, suffering, but when i see most ppl not being real, faking shit, no real love ( of that even exists )...i really don't care anymore ppl... i just want this depressing shit to be over. and yes i have been on ssri before, 6 months...fuck i regret taking those !!!
anyways enough ramble, have a nice high, il hope i will :sus:.
 
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When the world of people dismays me, I turn to nature. My own small, inconsequential life goes from feeling desperate to feeling....right. Maybe 'right' is not quite the word I am looking for...comforting, maybe? Anyway, I read a poem this morning that says something close to what I would like to say. Here it is:


Lost

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

by David Wagoner
Click to expand...


Whether this helps or not, I do hope that you feel better. <3 Sometimes you need to turn away from what you are burdened with, look elsewhere in a different direction (nature, animals, literature, art) for a while and then turn back and see if your perspective has changed.

I'm a natural cynic myself but I've never let that come between me and my love of life itself. All people are messes, including me.
 
yea man thank you for that poem and thoughts...usually i hate poems but love rap kekekekekekekek... mixing some dub right now, feel soo good..codeine helps with some jäger.
 
There's too much hype around New Year's Eve and the holidays. It's the highest suicide time of year=because it's the time when people feel the most left out or the most ashamed about their perceived inadequacies. It's just another day, really.

If you're unhappy and depressed in general that's important to look at but it sounds like it was made worse by feeling like you should be doing something on NYE. Well, I'm here to tell you that it doesn't matter.

I go to the gym and in the few weeks after NYE there are always way more people and I have to avoid going at peak times if I want to get anything done. It's because everyone is trying to do the new year's resolution thing. After those few weeks things return to normal. Life can't change that radically in one day no matter how much you psyche yourself up for it. NYE is good for setting intentions I guess but the whole ritual is too pressuring. If all your life critique is built up on that one day then the self-reflection is not all that genuine, IMO.

So maybe... if you feel that life sucks then try to accept how you feel for the time being, and work toward making positive changes where you can?

Me personally, I slept right through the ball dropping. I think some fireworks woke me up... I said to myself, "Yay! You made it to 2016!", then rolled over and went back to sleep lol
 
140BPM, Rap Lover, I take it your into Grime? Anyway I digress, I feel you man, I have no friends, no social life, no job, no money, the majority of my family hates me or I hate them, I'm uncomfortable in my home and my skin. I spent NYE on my own getting high and cutting myself, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to kill myself, and I was suicidal for years, I'm not afraid of death, but I dont know I'm not ready yet. I guess what I'm saying is I'm still here, I still have dreams no matter how unachievable they seem, I'm still here. Struggling to find meaning is hard. Waking up and having the depression flood over you again because I was happier asleep in my dreams than I could ever consciously believe my waking life to be.

It's funny but my life isn't hard anymore, I've gone through my adversities and now it's just me and my one problem, how will I get high today?

All this being said I know this isn't the end for me, if it where then why am I still here? I've never once in my life been happy, but however faint, there is a light at the end the tunnel, simply me being here to ramble is testament to that.

Well I think this might of helped me more than you but I hope I helped in some way. My miniscule contribution to society.
 
I don't like the holidays either and NYE is just bullshit. I don't even bother going out New Years anymore because it's just alot of hassle and alot of money for nothing. It's no different then any other night and really after i got out of my early 20's the appeal of getting hammered on overpriced drinks, paying 3 times the normal cover charge to get into a bar, never being able to get a cab and waking up New Years day hungover as fuck, broke and wondering why the fuck i spent all that money on a night that's like any other really lost it's appeal to me. All i did this year really was stay home and talk to a good friend of mine and hang out with my brother abit which i enjoyed far more then many other New Years spent running from pub to pub freezing my balls off and preying i could somehow get a run home at the end of the night. Thankfully all that bullshit is over with for another year anyway.

As for life seeming pointless well who ever claimed there was a point to life? You have to find something that interests you and go with it. Nobody is going to give you a reason to get up in the morning you have to find one. If you are clinically depressed i would suggest getting some help and this does not always mean SSRI's which sadly is often what doctors start reaching for as soon as you say you aren't happy as a pig in shit. Even if you do need medication there are lot's of alternatives to SSRI's and SNRI's so you aren't stuck with just those. Also sometimes just talking about your problems can help alot. I have a few friends i can actually open up to and believe me these people mean the world to me.
 
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