J
josefin
Guest
Please post this in SLR....
I'm 27 years old and have been single for 4 years now. In that time, I've dated and had flings with many guys – it's not getting the men that is the problem.
I've been very blessed in the looks department, I've got lots of friends who say I have an amazing personality, I think I am kind, caring, social, smart and creative. I've got a good job, a busy social life and lots of hobbies. So blessed, yet I just have real bad luck with guys. As I said, finding someone is not a problem – guys approach me all the time and I have no problem flirting with guys and being charming and funny - but finding someone who actually likes me for me is difficult. Most of the time I have ended up being the girl that guys want to sleep with but nothing else, which has been so hurtful and so detrimental to my self-esteem. I had a prolonged fling which ended disastrously a year and a half ago, and it left me depressed and almost suicidal for nearly a year afterwards (I am on anti-depressants now). I feel like I am damaged goods.
My closest friends are in relationships and I really love hanging out with them and their partners but I do feel like the third wheel. It's a horrible feeling to be jealous of your friends when you see them holding hands and kissing their boyfriends. I want to be happy for them, and I am, but it makes me so sad at the same time.
The worst thing is that due to a bad childhood I have massive issues with rejection and abandonment, and the experiences that I've had in the past few years have just destroyed me. It happened again a few weeks ago – I finally met a guy that I felt I really liked and felt comfortable with, but he ended up hurting me badly – I should have seen the signs, he had a very selfish personality – but I was too happy about being with someone who seemed to genuinely like me. Well, he did like me but that doesn't mean he treated me well, as he had a lot of insecurity issues... I'm glad I nipped it in the bud early, after only a month, but I feel like every time it happens I just get more bitter, more fragile, more needy and more desperate. I'm scared of how I'll end up...
I've tried online dating, I've tried putting myself out there, I've even tried lowering my standards – the same guy I mentioned I did not find physically attractive at all in the beginning but I went on with it because what the hell, I'm in no position to be picky, and eventually I warmed to him and started finding him more attractive...
I realise I sound really whiny and pathetic but I feel like I am at the end of my rope. It's hard holding myself together and trying to think positive all the time – I spend a lot of time on personal development (books, exercises etc), but sometimes I just want to give it all up! It's such hard work trying to keep positive!
I know that definitely at times (during more vulnerable emotional moments) guys have been put off by my neediness, but that's not always been the case – I have had periods where I have been genuinely happy and confident and met guys and felt that I was displaying the very best, most attractive sides of myself, and somehow it still ended up badly, either they were emotionally unavailable or were just looking to have some fun that they could boast to their friends about the next day.
I was talking to one of my guy friends about this before and his opinion was that I should try dating older men, in their early thirties perhaps. I have tended to date guys who were my age or even a little younger, so I think maybe this could be an idea. I'm not sure how to go about this though! I did date a couple of men who were 15+ years older than me when I was in my early 20s and they were perfect gentlemen and made me feel very attractive and desired. But they came with a lot of baggage, unfortunately (messy separations, PTSD from military days, etc), and I was too young to want to settle down.
Any advice? Please – don't tell me to just 'enjoy being single', every time I hear that it makes me want to scream. I really enjoyed being single for the first couple of years, so it's not like I don't know how to do that, but it's enough now and I'm sick of it! I would even settle for just casually dating to pass time until I find “the one” (or “the one right now”), as long as they were good dating experiences.
I'm 27 years old and have been single for 4 years now. In that time, I've dated and had flings with many guys – it's not getting the men that is the problem.
I've been very blessed in the looks department, I've got lots of friends who say I have an amazing personality, I think I am kind, caring, social, smart and creative. I've got a good job, a busy social life and lots of hobbies. So blessed, yet I just have real bad luck with guys. As I said, finding someone is not a problem – guys approach me all the time and I have no problem flirting with guys and being charming and funny - but finding someone who actually likes me for me is difficult. Most of the time I have ended up being the girl that guys want to sleep with but nothing else, which has been so hurtful and so detrimental to my self-esteem. I had a prolonged fling which ended disastrously a year and a half ago, and it left me depressed and almost suicidal for nearly a year afterwards (I am on anti-depressants now). I feel like I am damaged goods.
My closest friends are in relationships and I really love hanging out with them and their partners but I do feel like the third wheel. It's a horrible feeling to be jealous of your friends when you see them holding hands and kissing their boyfriends. I want to be happy for them, and I am, but it makes me so sad at the same time.
The worst thing is that due to a bad childhood I have massive issues with rejection and abandonment, and the experiences that I've had in the past few years have just destroyed me. It happened again a few weeks ago – I finally met a guy that I felt I really liked and felt comfortable with, but he ended up hurting me badly – I should have seen the signs, he had a very selfish personality – but I was too happy about being with someone who seemed to genuinely like me. Well, he did like me but that doesn't mean he treated me well, as he had a lot of insecurity issues... I'm glad I nipped it in the bud early, after only a month, but I feel like every time it happens I just get more bitter, more fragile, more needy and more desperate. I'm scared of how I'll end up...
I've tried online dating, I've tried putting myself out there, I've even tried lowering my standards – the same guy I mentioned I did not find physically attractive at all in the beginning but I went on with it because what the hell, I'm in no position to be picky, and eventually I warmed to him and started finding him more attractive...
I realise I sound really whiny and pathetic but I feel like I am at the end of my rope. It's hard holding myself together and trying to think positive all the time – I spend a lot of time on personal development (books, exercises etc), but sometimes I just want to give it all up! It's such hard work trying to keep positive!
I know that definitely at times (during more vulnerable emotional moments) guys have been put off by my neediness, but that's not always been the case – I have had periods where I have been genuinely happy and confident and met guys and felt that I was displaying the very best, most attractive sides of myself, and somehow it still ended up badly, either they were emotionally unavailable or were just looking to have some fun that they could boast to their friends about the next day.
I was talking to one of my guy friends about this before and his opinion was that I should try dating older men, in their early thirties perhaps. I have tended to date guys who were my age or even a little younger, so I think maybe this could be an idea. I'm not sure how to go about this though! I did date a couple of men who were 15+ years older than me when I was in my early 20s and they were perfect gentlemen and made me feel very attractive and desired. But they came with a lot of baggage, unfortunately (messy separations, PTSD from military days, etc), and I was too young to want to settle down.
Any advice? Please – don't tell me to just 'enjoy being single', every time I hear that it makes me want to scream. I really enjoyed being single for the first couple of years, so it's not like I don't know how to do that, but it's enough now and I'm sick of it! I would even settle for just casually dating to pass time until I find “the one” (or “the one right now”), as long as they were good dating experiences.