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Single and struggling with it...

  • Thread starter Thread starter josefin
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josefin

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Please post this in SLR....

I'm 27 years old and have been single for 4 years now. In that time, I've dated and had flings with many guys – it's not getting the men that is the problem.

I've been very blessed in the looks department, I've got lots of friends who say I have an amazing personality, I think I am kind, caring, social, smart and creative. I've got a good job, a busy social life and lots of hobbies. So blessed, yet I just have real bad luck with guys. As I said, finding someone is not a problem – guys approach me all the time and I have no problem flirting with guys and being charming and funny - but finding someone who actually likes me for me is difficult. Most of the time I have ended up being the girl that guys want to sleep with but nothing else, which has been so hurtful and so detrimental to my self-esteem. I had a prolonged fling which ended disastrously a year and a half ago, and it left me depressed and almost suicidal for nearly a year afterwards (I am on anti-depressants now). I feel like I am damaged goods.

My closest friends are in relationships and I really love hanging out with them and their partners but I do feel like the third wheel. It's a horrible feeling to be jealous of your friends when you see them holding hands and kissing their boyfriends. I want to be happy for them, and I am, but it makes me so sad at the same time.

The worst thing is that due to a bad childhood I have massive issues with rejection and abandonment, and the experiences that I've had in the past few years have just destroyed me. It happened again a few weeks ago – I finally met a guy that I felt I really liked and felt comfortable with, but he ended up hurting me badly – I should have seen the signs, he had a very selfish personality – but I was too happy about being with someone who seemed to genuinely like me. Well, he did like me but that doesn't mean he treated me well, as he had a lot of insecurity issues... I'm glad I nipped it in the bud early, after only a month, but I feel like every time it happens I just get more bitter, more fragile, more needy and more desperate. I'm scared of how I'll end up...

I've tried online dating, I've tried putting myself out there, I've even tried lowering my standards – the same guy I mentioned I did not find physically attractive at all in the beginning but I went on with it because what the hell, I'm in no position to be picky, and eventually I warmed to him and started finding him more attractive...

I realise I sound really whiny and pathetic but I feel like I am at the end of my rope. It's hard holding myself together and trying to think positive all the time – I spend a lot of time on personal development (books, exercises etc), but sometimes I just want to give it all up! It's such hard work trying to keep positive!

I know that definitely at times (during more vulnerable emotional moments) guys have been put off by my neediness, but that's not always been the case – I have had periods where I have been genuinely happy and confident and met guys and felt that I was displaying the very best, most attractive sides of myself, and somehow it still ended up badly, either they were emotionally unavailable or were just looking to have some fun that they could boast to their friends about the next day.

I was talking to one of my guy friends about this before and his opinion was that I should try dating older men, in their early thirties perhaps. I have tended to date guys who were my age or even a little younger, so I think maybe this could be an idea. I'm not sure how to go about this though! I did date a couple of men who were 15+ years older than me when I was in my early 20s and they were perfect gentlemen and made me feel very attractive and desired. But they came with a lot of baggage, unfortunately (messy separations, PTSD from military days, etc), and I was too young to want to settle down.

Any advice? Please – don't tell me to just 'enjoy being single', every time I hear that it makes me want to scream. I really enjoyed being single for the first couple of years, so it's not like I don't know how to do that, but it's enough now and I'm sick of it! I would even settle for just casually dating to pass time until I find “the one” (or “the one right now”), as long as they were good dating experiences.
 
I don't know what advice to give you babe but I'll try because I don't want to leave this post going un-replied to... <3

Unfortunately getting a boyfriend isn't going to magically heal your abandonment/ rejection issues. If anything trying to bandaid this sort of thing with a boyfriend (validation that you are loveable?) will just make you crazy clingy and the relationship will not be a good experience for either one of you. This is not going to give you what you want! And here's why: You may think the depression is caused by not having a boyfriend, but you probably just think that way because having a boyfriend can serve as a distraction from your problems, at least in the beginning. But if you are distracted from what ever's not right you can't possible begin to put it right and you still remain with this feeling of somehow being "incomplete", What do you do? You cling tighter to the boy, you feel you need more, more intimacy, more attention, more everything! You suffocate the boy! And the boy runs the fuck away from you scary crazy lady. Is this about your experience so far? Do you REALLY think this is ultimately going to help your issues of abandonment/rejection? Or reinforce them?

The other thing is if as you say you've been dating assholes the LAST thing you should do is LOWER your standards. If you plus an asshole = 1 (complete whole) then that is proof you were already complete without him because asshole = 0 (nothing to gain). 0 + 1 = 1

If you really want a relationship, you describe yourself as a decent girl, just be that lovely person! Raise your standards, chill out and have a little patience waiting for someone good enough to have a relationship with you. If you can keep strong in yourself, there are a lot of people in the world you will meet suitable matches. Don't panic and go into crazy girl headspace, I understand you want to find someone special to be with in your life, but you are all good alone for the time being, it doesn't mean alone forever, you are not lacking anything you need, your relationship with someone special will happen when it happens so you may as well make the most of the time leading up to then right? Think of it like this... Just because you really want that banana split sundae you're going to have for desert, and you think it's alot more delicious than the chicken salad you are having now, doesn't mean the chicken salad tastes disgusting, you can still enjoy it for what it is.

Personally I know I'm better off alone, I am happier that way, other people cramp my style. I enjoy relationships don't get me wrong, but there's no way I want to "settle down" with someone anytime and have them in my space all the fucking time for years and years and years.
 
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Before I say anything, AMAZING answer, Libby! Tough act to follow. I was going to say that it sounds like your standards are too low. Like Libby said, don't lower your standards! Make those men have to earn you :)
 
You're lacking confidence? and trying to find "the one* sorry I never read all proper

but you say you've a bad childhood and depressed? then to others that is "unwanted extras" kinda like signing up for a stupid service then having that company sign you up for spam however if the main goods are worth it (lets say a bangin deal on a contract phone)then those spam letters don't bother you when you rip them up so much as it was a decent phone/deal and not free screen saver................. now the MAIN point I wanted to get to was if you're half ok even with suitcases of baggages then how can you say this:

But they came with a lot of baggage, unfortunately (messy separations, PTSD from military days, etc)

Or did this all span from rejection and relationships but you see my point.

Do you know what type of guy you want? What type of relationship?

you said it already but self help books, courses dating, confidence is good.

hobbies?

I sorta know how you feel, I am 23 alot of my mates gettin girls, work - I do self employed (alone) but my drug addiction holds me back too much as I've no time for other things, I lost weight *kills my confidence*, track marks. Money isn't bad, infact I've plenty I've more than all my mates put together but money doesnt bring happiness alone.
 
Maybe focus less on yourself and more on the people you are choosing. It’s possible you are just bad at picking healthy relationship material. What are your prerequisites for a mate? I have found that the people with “hot” and “make lots of money” at the top of their list tend to attract poor mates.
 
Why do you think you are choosing the people you do? Have you more negative things to say about possible love interests? your friends? or your family?

Maybe the problem is deeper than you are now prepared to accept. I think an engaged and disinterested opinion from someone well outside of all your social circles may be best.

Maybe you have some feelings and perspectives that need to be explored more fully in the company of someone trained to guide you to that core issue. You all can then examine it, deconstruct it, and then own it by being aware of yourself from another more healthy perspective.

:)

I don't like being single now either. But, I guess there are more important things to be working on than a very serious pair bond type relationship.
 
try lowering your standards, there are a billion douche loser guys who will be more willing to maintain a healthy relationship rather than the guys who are you going after who seem like the stereotypical womanizers. Find a smart, nerdy guy and work from there.
 
I don't know what advice to give you babe but I'll try because I don't want to leave this post going un-replied to... <3

Unfortunately getting a boyfriend isn't going to magically heal your abandonment/ rejection issues. If anything trying to bandaid this sort of thing with a boyfriend (validation that you are loveable?) will just make you crazy clingy and the relationship will not be a good experience for either one of you. This is not going to give you what you want! And here's why: You may think the depression is caused by not having a boyfriend, but you probably just think that way because having a boyfriend can serve as a distraction from your problems, at least in the beginning. But if you are distracted from what ever's not right you can't possible begin to put it right and you still remain with this feeling of somehow being "incomplete", What do you do? You cling tighter to the boy, you feel you need more, more intimacy, more attention, more everything! You suffocate the boy! And the boy runs the fuck away from you scary crazy lady. Is this about your experience so far? Do you REALLY think this is ultimately going to help your issues of abandonment/rejection? Or reinforce them?

The other thing is if as you say you've been dating assholes the LAST thing you should do is LOWER your standards. If you plus an asshole = 1 (complete whole) then that is proof you were already complete without him because asshole = 0 (nothing to gain). 0 + 1 = 1

If you really want a relationship, you describe yourself as a decent girl, just be that lovely person! Raise your standards, chill out and have a little patience waiting for someone good enough to have a relationship with you. If you can keep strong in yourself, there are a lot of people in the world you will meet suitable matches. Don't panic and go into crazy girl headspace, I understand you want to find someone special to be with in your life, but you are all good alone for the time being, it doesn't mean alone forever, you are not lacking anything you need, your relationship with someone special will happen when it happens so you may as well make the most of the time leading up to then right? Think of it like this... Just because you really want that banana split sundae you're going to have for desert, and you think it's alot more delicious than the chicken salad you are having now, doesn't mean the chicken salad tastes disgusting, you can still enjoy it for what it is.

Personally I know I'm better off alone, I am happier that way, other people cramp my style. I enjoy relationships don't get me wrong, but there's no way I want to "settle down" with someone anytime and have them in my space all the fucking time for years and years and years.

^ This. Great post Libby.
 
^ Going for a smart nerdy guy instead of an asshole would be RAISING her standards, not lowering them!

What is a douche loser? And why did he have the douche in the first place?

:?

Seriously though, someone willing to work on maintaining a healthy relationship sounds like a good catch to me.
 
So you've only ever been interested in a couple guys before? And you have NEVER met a good guy before?
Yeah, there plenty of guys around who are complete jerks. Unfortunately, it happens. I know, out of the guys that I'm friends with, that they are all legitimately good guys. Nice, loyal, most of them are good looking (depends of course on your opinion), fun, responsible, etc. It sounds to me like you need to look elsewhere for guys, especially if all the guys you've been meeting just use you for sex or whatever. Obviously there is a flaw in how you're looking for guys. Also, don't wait for guys to come to you. You need to go up to them. You need to initiate things and you need to meet guys who aren't the "typical" guys who approach you.
 
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