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  • NMI Moderators: Coffeeshroom

Sick of playing doctor / happy to be here

PlainPalace said:
Hey hey - so much to say so I’ll save the heavy stuff for other threads. Just relieved to be active in a non-judgmental and safe space for addicts. Thanks.
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Hey there and that is what we aim for to help to the best of our own knowledge and experience so you can make your own desired insight of the HR input/advice we give from our own personal exp. So feel free to ask away and start threads on the topics you want to discuss. All the best.

Regards
CoffeeShroom
 
Well, long story long, I got off the heavy stuff (opioids) 8 years ago with the help of medicated assisted therapy - subs, SSRI’s, and some awful therapists. Haven’t touched opes since. But I was miserable clean. White knuckling as some would say. I honestly thought I’d be alone and depressed forever. I was a successful musician until the drugs but felt I had killed that part of myself with the H and the shame. Not to mention my dive into isolation.

Skip to a couple months before Covid, I got scripted Adderall by a well-intended doc and I started living. Started socializing again which led to meeting the love of my life. Problem is I’ve now been unable to stop using stims for more than 3 months at a time without abusing them. And worse, I became a dishonest person and partner in the process.

They help me live. That’s all I want. No more anhedonia, finish my record. I want be able to get out of bed in the morning. But I know where they’ll likely lead me. She does too. the cost is too high. I’ve shot cocaine a couple times since this phase started. That was enough for her to leave and take a break from us and our agreed upon future children for a bit. That should’ve been enough but I picked up blow two weeks after I went to stay at my parents for a bit. Im going to plug some of it after I write this, like wtf?! am I simply struggling with addiction or do I actually prefer this? The synthetic, poor excuse for euphoria compared to the prospect of genuine love and health?

Has anyone else struggled with not feeling satisfied by “happiness” or even striving for it? Have you ever been able to live and feel excited about something natural after the chemicals we’ve gifted ourselves? Thanks.
 
PlainPalace said:
Well, long story long, I got off the heavy stuff (opioids) 8 years ago with the help of medicated assisted therapy - subs, SSRI’s, and some awful therapists. Haven’t touched opes since. But I was miserable clean. White knuckling as some would say. I honestly thought I’d be alone and depressed forever. I was a successful musician until the drugs but felt I had killed that part of myself with the H and the shame. Not to mention my dive into isolation.

Skip to a couple months before Covid, I got scripted Adderall by a well-intended doc and I started living. Started socializing again which led to meeting the love of my life. Problem is I’ve now been unable to stop using stims for more than 3 months at a time without abusing them. And worse, I became a dishonest person and partner in the process.

They help me live. That’s all I want. No more anhedonia, finish my record. I want be able to get out of bed in the morning. But I know where they’ll likely lead me. She does too. the cost is too high. I’ve shot cocaine a couple times since this phase started. That was enough for her to leave and take a break from us and our agreed upon future children for a bit. That should’ve been enough but I picked up blow two weeks after I went to stay at my parents for a bit. Im going to plug some of it after I write this, like wtf?! am I simply struggling with addiction or do I actually prefer this? The synthetic, poor excuse for euphoria compared to the prospect of genuine love and health?

Has anyone else struggled with not feeling satisfied by “happiness” or even striving for it? Have you ever been able to live and feel excited about something natural after the chemicals we’ve gifted ourselves? Thanks.
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Whoops, best if I post this elsewhere. Apologies and thanks again. Great to meet you all.
 
PlainPalace said:
Whoops, best if I post this elsewhere. Apologies and thanks again. Great to meet you all.
Click to expand...
It's OK friend, BL threads are very open and typically always go off topic a bit, and this is a fine place to talk

However, you probably would get more views/replies in a different subforum like The Dark Side or Mental Health

Welcome to BL!
 
Dude. You mentioned some rather important stuff in your intro. and stuff that jumped out at me from the page (post).

"I was a successful musician until the drugs but felt I had killed that part of myself with the H and the shame. Not to mention my dive into isolation.

"Skip to a couple months before Covid, I got scripted Adderall by a well-intended doc and I started living. Started socializing again which led to meeting the love of my life. Problem is I’ve now been unable to stop using stims for more than 3 months at a time without abusing them. And worse, I became a dishonest person and partner in the process."

"They help me live. That’s all I want. No more anhedonia, finish my record. I want be able to get out of bed in the morning."

I know my opinions on this topic are not appreciated and some question the HR validity thereof.

But I can tell you that being depressed whether it's a direct result of previous and sustained long-term substance abuse and guilt or it's brought on by withdrawal will take you down far further both physically and mentally than any fucking stimulant will. Even to the point where when you know that a stimulant will sort things out and get you back on track that you'll end up at the point where even knowing that will not get you to act or even try. And if Adderall keeps you away from that dark space (abyss): then fuck it. If there's any fallout from using it you can deal with that in the future. But get too far past a certain line in the sand when it comes to depression and you'll not have the energy nor be in the frame of mind to deal with any fallout if necessary and you'll be locked into a "nothingness" and that you wouldn't be arsed to do anything about. As for the Cocaine issue: not the same thing. Too short lived (the motivation that it may give you) and comes with its own shit and side-effects. Point I'm trying to make is that if some or the other chemical keeps you on your toes and gives you the mental will and physical stamina to keep going and get things done well then so be it.

So you do what you gotta do and use what you gotta use to finish that record my good man. And frankly: fuck the professionals and know-it-alls. It's become rather clear to me that the part the science part of medicine when it comes to "diseases" of the mind has fallen way behind all of the other stuff. Seems to me it's become rather hit and miss and/or hope for the best. And all at the patient's expense (whether that be in terms on monetary value or sanity or overall well being).
 
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PlainPalace said:
Hey hey - so much to say so I’ll save the heavy stuff for other threads. Just relieved to be active in a non-judgmental and safe space for addicts. Thanks.
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Welcome hey hey:)Theres a good space for addicts,nuts,scientiests,desperados,lonesome and so on.Enjoy and post.peace
 
PlainPalace said:
Well, long story long, I got off the heavy stuff (opioids) 8 years ago with the help of medicated assisted therapy - subs, SSRI’s, and some awful therapists. Haven’t touched opes since. But I was miserable clean. White knuckling as some would say. I honestly thought I’d be alone and depressed forever. I was a successful musician until the drugs but felt I had killed that part of myself with the H and the shame. Not to mention my dive into isolation.

Skip to a couple months before Covid, I got scripted Adderall by a well-intended doc and I started living. Started socializing again which led to meeting the love of my life. Problem is I’ve now been unable to stop using stims for more than 3 months at a time without abusing them. And worse, I became a dishonest person and partner in the process.

They help me live. That’s all I want. No more anhedonia, finish my record. I want be able to get out of bed in the morning. But I know where they’ll likely lead me. She does too. the cost is too high. I’ve shot cocaine a couple times since this phase started. That was enough for her to leave and take a break from us and our agreed upon future children for a bit. That should’ve been enough but I picked up blow two weeks after I went to stay at my parents for a bit. Im going to plug some of it after I write this, like wtf?! am I simply struggling with addiction or do I actually prefer this? The synthetic, poor excuse for euphoria compared to the prospect of genuine love and health?

Has anyone else struggled with not feeling satisfied by “happiness” or even striving for it? Have you ever been able to live and feel excited about something natural after the chemicals we’ve gifted ourselves? Thanks.
Click to expand...
 
Its great that you have been able to stop opioids.congrats for that.Bad that you hooked on stims.This imminent could be obstacle to your relationships with other,cause this a dependency too.And yes using years strong painkillers long time could led you to anhedonia....and feel that something is missing.Just another hook this stims...dont know better or worst....but you can quit this shit too and if you have patience satisfaction from the simple things will return for sure.Wish you luck!
 
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