Sick and tired of being sick and tired......

[Opioid420z]

Oxy's has to stop, funds have to build, imprisoned by a drug that rules me, I'm the ruler of my life, promise of success and a great life is defenatly in my destiny. Using roughly 120mgs to 180mgs of oxy a day is just not working and financially and mentally just not sustainable. I've accepted I am a drug addict and need help... FOr the first 2 years of using I had a great life, a wonderful reason to wake up and a way to get threw traffic, stressful bills and work, a way to get threw....... I have to stop and want to more than anything now..... My question is.... Do you all think I should go away to a state rehab I think its called c.w post, or c post of something. It entails a 6 day detox paid for my the state then 28 day inpatient. Now. Do you think I should go away? I have a good paying job making roughly $600.00 a week take home, a side business and a truck that paid for. I can't loose my job nor can I afford to take off for a month because of high rent for my small piece of crap apartment $900.00 a month!!!! I don't even get a stove!!! Nor a living room... unreal hear on Long ISland its just a fuck'n money pit.... Or should I do an outpatient program with suboxone? I've tried many times to get clean and have been successfull for about 2-3 weeks tops. I feel there is more to the picture than just drug use, mental illness as well, anger issues, and depression as well being a major culprit. I tried 2 days ago to kick it and had to use slightly over 16mgs of bupe to stop the anxiety and rls. Is outpatient doable? I guess if we really want it anything is possible right? I"ve become a big fan of the new Oxy op's because they last all day and leave me feeling more balanced and clear headed for the day instead of using Roxi to go up and down up and down. If I"m gona start this new year off right, please give me some kind of plan or route that either what you went threw or what works better for drug addicts on oxycodone. Life is not about a fuck'n pill and I"m ready to take the first step and start stacking my money and living a normal life.

The guilt is killing me and my family see's so much promise in me and so does all I do business with..... God, I ask for guidance today for within the next week I will admit to my social worker and psychiatrist that I am a drug addict and wana get clean as safe and comfortable as possible. I can deal with hot flashes and sweating it out, yet can't deal with the RLS nor anxiety and high blood pressure associated with this. I"m from Long Island, NY..... God grant me the guidance to bring my soul back and my artificial emotions, natural again..... Happy Thanksgiving to you all and I hope we all get eat so much turkey we all get wrecked on L-tryptamine.

 

[bluedom]

I've been up all night to really respond properly to your request, but I will start something and perhaps come back later. I have been through addiction and have reached the "sick and tired of being sick and tired" point. So I take it you've never been to in patient rehab? If so and you're planning to go, you should go with the right mindset. My suggestion (you'll get a lot of these in rehab is that you go in with the right mindset, and follow though on what they say, don't think too much about it, just do it, your brain is not capable of thinking and they're doing the thinking for you, and you have to trust them. (I do want to note that there are shady rehabs out there, so make sure yours is one that is supposed to very good by people who've been through it. Ideally find someone who has gone through it and been sober for many months or years.)

Second, realise all your current issues are due to your addiction (or at least start with this position). ALL of them. Your mental health, anger, depression, etc. are all because of your drug use. All the other stuff too. What your life is now is your addiction, simple as that. There's nothing else. Your depression? Opiate abuse. Your anger? Don't know, but say opiate abuse. Mental health? Of course it's opiate abuse. Remove the opiates for a while, let your brain heal, and then see what you feel. Whatever you're feeling, it is due to your addiction. It's possible you had underlying issues and sought to self medicate. But we're not talking about those, because we don't know where they are. All we have is the result of your addiction, which is you, standing in front of the mirror. In other words, your addiction itself has become a (mental health, depression, etc.) problem on its own.

Okay, main points said. Will try to write more later. Take care and good luck man!

 

[Lolie]

28 days is long enough for you to start learning some new behaviours to replace the old but it's nowhere near long enough for them to become the default. Detox and rehab aren't a magic bullet. The real work begins when you leave rehab and need to maintain your new behaviours in the real world.

As you already have a psychiatrist and a social worker, it would be a good idea to seek their guidance on what's the best option for you - they can take into account factors we're unaware of.

 

[Opioid420z]

Thank you so much for that Bluedom..... Almost psychic type of post you reply'd, and to answer questions, yes I've been to rehab before, but that was when I had insurance and could afford to go to a nice place like 4 Winds, and another upstate inpatient in Brewster NY, but that wasn't for real drug addiction. Smoking pot, and making bad decisions, impulse control and being diagnosed with adhd plus fucking up my chances at college and a "normal life." , even slightly is something that well...... takes years and years to accept and yet I still feel funny about it over 15 years later. Making excuses? Mabye... But for real... I don't think so. Balance was gone and the feeling of being "man made," as crazy tripped out as that sounds has been my demon ever since. Yet after all this time I have found my ways to cope with my faults and behaviors...... or so I thought..... I don't know if I"d be better off staying in my money sucking box of an apartment or going away to a rehab? At least in my apartment I have my bed, tv, and a decent comforter and pillows instead of the sheets they give you when you go away.... fuck'n prick hospitals, and it costs 1000 bucks a day and they give you sheets and a jail matteress. Anyway, the main reason why I came off of suboxone was because of the "TASTE." FUCK"N NASTY GUT WRENCHING PUKE OF A TASTE.... I had to sniff lines of it because of this and eat sunflower seeds and peanuts to get rid of that god awful orange curse. Now that I heard they have the strips that dissolve and don't taste that bad I"m gona call my old suboxone doctor up and ask about them.

I"m thinking stay home and go to the sub doctor, NA meetings/AA meetings and learn to live again without my girlfriend Roxi, fuck'n bitch always steals all my money and leaves me depressed as fuck, won't let me sleep and destroys my inner heart, subconcious, fuck'n bitch, roxi is defenatly a mean thing, yet such a fuck'n dream/secret garden type fantasy. Is it the money that I"m sick of or being high? Would I still use if I had an infinite number of roxi 30's? Or am I just fed up with her taking all my money? God what a tough question, yet my mind just can't take the constant brain fucking roxi gives me on a regular basis if I can't keep enough in my system to make her happy....

 

[paranoid android]

I would second what lolie said actually. The battle begins after youve detoxed and you have to be ready for that. You could do outpatient as there are lots of meds that help with the withdrawals symptoms including the RLS and anxiety. Theres even meds that help the hot/cold flashes a good bit. So it can be done. Suboxone is one option and it does work for alot of people but not everyone. Really the choice is up to you.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Opioid420z]

after tonight I"m ready..... God dam having to wake up to take a little piece here and there. Plus having vivid dreams... this has to stop...... Thanks for your advice.... if there is meds to help with rls and what not I"m all for it... I'm gona talk to my psych...

 

[phactor]

28 days is a good start. Then you have to follow up with meetings and working the program. Hopefully, you are desperate enough to do this. After you get some length of clean time you can figure out where you want to go with your sobriety. You have to be totally desperate and willing to do anything to get clean. You HAVE to WANT to do it for yourself. Family and friends are great motivators, but ultimately you make the decision to use or not.

It is probably best that you check into a hospital. Detoxing in a controlled environment is much easier IMO. And this is coming from someone who has detoxed at his home tons of times (I was using for about 10 years and wanted to stop for about half of that if that gives you an idea)

 

[bluedom]

Thank you so much for that Bluedom..... Almost psychic type of post you reply'd, and to answer questions, yes I've been to rehab before, but that was when I had insurance and could afford to go to a nice place like 4 Winds, and another upstate inpatient in Brewster NY, but that wasn't for real drug addiction. Smoking pot, and making bad decisions, impulse control and being diagnosed with adhd plus fucking up my chances at college and a "normal life." , even slightly is something that well...... takes years and years to accept and yet I still feel funny about it over 15 years later. Making excuses? Mabye... But for real... I don't think so. Balance was gone and the feeling of being "man made," as crazy tripped out as that sounds has been my demon ever since. Yet after all this time I have found my ways to cope with my faults and behaviors...... or so I thought..... I don't know if I"d be better off staying in my money sucking box of an apartment or going away to a rehab? At least in my apartment I have my bed, tv, and a decent comforter and pillows instead of the sheets they give you when you go away.... fuck'n prick hospitals, and it costs 1000 bucks a day and they give you sheets and a jail matteress. Anyway, the main reason why I came off of suboxone was because of the "TASTE." FUCK"N NASTY GUT WRENCHING PUKE OF A TASTE.... I had to sniff lines of it because of this and eat sunflower seeds and peanuts to get rid of that god awful orange curse. Now that I heard they have the strips that dissolve and don't taste that bad I"m gona call my old suboxone doctor up and ask about them.

I"m thinking stay home and go to the sub doctor, NA meetings/AA meetings and learn to live again without my girlfriend Roxi, fuck'n bitch always steals all my money and leaves me depressed as fuck, won't let me sleep and destroys my inner heart, subconcious, fuck'n bitch, roxi is defenatly a mean thing, yet such a fuck'n dream/secret garden type fantasy. Is it the money that I"m sick of or being high? Would I still use if I had an infinite number of roxi 30's? Or am I just fed up with her taking all my money? God what a tough question, yet my mind just can't take the constant brain fucking roxi gives me on a regular basis if I can't keep enough in my system to make her happy....

You're welcome man. As far as your motivation, well, I can say a lot of things but you know when you've hit bottom only when you start to climb out of it. You can do the detox at home but as others have pointed out, the detox is just the barest minimum of starts. When I went through this, people said that have a lot of hard work ahead and I was like "sure, bring it on but what exactly is this hard work?" and I didn't know until I did it. The hard work is undoing all the bad habits you've been doing for a very long time. It took a long time for you to get to the place you're at now, and it's going to take you a long time to get out. I'll hazard a very rough guess without even knowing you or your situation: it's going to take at least half as long. That is, if you've been using for 3 years, it'll take 1.5 years before you can answer the question above and regain some control over the rest of your life. And why not? If it took 3 years, say, for you get into this mess, why should it take anything less to get out? So I'll say be prepared for "hard work" which could be anything but it is work related to you recovering. Meaning NA, AA, a new hobby, whatever. But doing that actively makes you think about your addiction, arresting it, and and ensuring you go far away from the trap to not do it again. If addiction is a trap/hole you're in, you're going to climb up and out, dust yourself off and look around (this could be the detox and rehab), and start walking away, day by day, lugging and putting huge barricades around where you were so you don't go back. The barricades are whatever honestly work for you and represent barricades. So that's the hard work. No easy solution. Detox and rehab are the start.

This half life is just an arbitrary rule of thumb. I apply it to long term relationships also. It takes you half as long as the length of a relationship to start to get over it, if you're the dumpee (if you're the dumper, the rules are different since you've had time to work on being it).

As someone else pointed out, you have to be WILLING. Here's a page I felt laid out the steps of recovery fairly well:

http://www.spiritualriver.com/a-detailed-analysis-of-how-addicts-and-alcoholics-recover/

* Spiraling out of control
* Hitting bottom
* Motivation through pain
* Becoming willing
* The moment of surrender
* Taking action
* Following through
* Finding the path
* Creating a new life

I think that's pretty accurate. If you see it now, it'll be easier. But you will see on your path to being recovered. Then it also has:

* Suggestions for friends and family
* Should you do an intervention?
* I am an addict or an alcoholic. What should I do?

which might help some of your specific queries about rehab vs. DiY. I always recommend the hospital if you can do it. It is not as comfortable as your home and this is a
big deal but they will take care of you generally.

I will say that my own "solution", as it were, is to try many things and see what works and doesn't. This is what I believe and this is just my opinion: Addiction is a mental disease and it's progressive and can be stopped. Once you're addicted to something, it means your brain has fundamentally changed so that using that substance causes more of this brain change (feedback, hystersis). You can't go back to using without restructuring your brain, which we don't have the technology to do yet and you may be able to do it other ways but I don't know of any rigourously validated ones. But aside from that, you will regain normal brain function in other areas over time, provided you don't use. I think when you do arrest your progression and don't go back, you've indeed "recovered". I don't believe in this permanent "recovery" state. Again, you're recovered provided you don't use the substance you're addicted to. In general, an external observer can determine this for 100% only after you die, i.e., if you die without using and you had stopped, then I'd say you recovered today. But you don't need 100% certainty and you (the person who was addicted) can make this determination for themselves, much as the determination about addiction, willingness, etc. all come from within YOU. So if you tell me you're done using for good, then I'd say you've recovered but you don't me or anyone else to tell you anything. You can figure it all out.

Good luck man!