Peppermint Fear
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 21, 2006
- Messages
- 316
This trip report deviates slightly from the rest of the reports here because it's just a piece of writing I did while coming up. The situation: I ate the shrooms. Anxiety began to kick in and I was forced to leave my friends because I felt too uncomfortable.
As I made it to my dorm room, I started watching the Hawaii vs. OSU game on TV. The crowd cheering was way, way too much for me so I turned it off. I began to cry - for no reason. I wasn't sad, I wasn't even that anxious - I actually felt pretty happy.
I sat down to write, and this is what came out:
I'm a mess. There are fifteen thoughts in my mind and I can't seem to pick one out. Stop. That's a lie. That made no sense.
I don't know what I'm writing or why I'm writing it. All I know is that I need to write. What I feel is simple... yet incredibly complex. It all depends on how I look at it. I don't remember what I write as I write it, all I know is that it is true. It's what I'm thinking, and that's all that matters.
I feel strong emotions, connections towards home. I'm brought to tears thinking about my family. I love them deeply. Without them I am truly lost.
I'm fighting myself. The schools of thought travel through my mind and I don't know where to go. What should I capitalize on? Where should I spend my effort? Tears stream down my face but yet I am happy and in control. I feel overpowered by emotions... I miss my family, I miss my life back home. What does it all matter? Did it really take a foreign substance to bring this all out?
I'm at a crossroads, here in front of my computer at 12:25 am. Time still has meaning, things still matter. But those that do matter mean much more. What before was just "those people" that lived in my house... well, it all makes sense. Do I want this to be over? No and yes. There is much more to be learned from tonight. The difficult part is gone, and the release of emotion is occuring. Of course, I digress... my family has always meant this much to me, I've just never appreciated it as such, never really shown it. Why not? I need to. It's these god damn social boundaries we're forced to put up with. Why shouldn't a grown man cry? Who's to define a grown man? This isn't middle school any more.
Why can't I tell people I'm homesick? I didn't even know it before now. There are too many questions, questions that don't really need answers. This thought calms me. All of these questions, they don't matter. All that matters is home, love and happiness. Without these we are lost. There's no use thinking much deeper; I'm much happier here assigning meaning to those things that truly do not have it. I do not like being lost in my own thought. I respect that I cannot truly understand the world, my existence. It feels like there is an answer, this meaning. I do not want to know it. I do not want to face it.
I just want to go home.
You see, when I began writing this, I didn't know what to write about... all I knew is that it would come to me. Looking back it makes sense, but when I started writing I didn't know I had a goal. Everything is peaceful, there are no more fears. It's obvious everything will be okay. I'm going home to see my family soon, and that makes me happy. I will live out my life and no matter what happens I have full confidence that I will make the best of it. And that's all that counts. I'll continue making the best of life, no matter what challenges face me. I say "I will" because I have to. We all must have confidence in ourselves, or we are truly lost. We must love ourselves, and those around us for making this experience we call life truly amazing.
Without those who influence us we are just meaningless beings. The things we do, actions we take, meaningless rituals we persue, they make us human. And it all comes back to family.
Despair creeps into my mind occaisionally, but I always block it out. It's all I can do. From here, where to? I have to go in short distances, one goal to the next. I can't force myself to take great strides, because it's all too easy to fall. I have to go from point a to point b, then to point c, and back, finally, to point a... but a better point a. We're all heading to the same place, after all. Maybe the road is bumpy. We have to rely on family, we have to explore, we have to face our fears, and focus on the good. But in the end... we're all going to be okay.
The trip itself was rather mild, but I thought it might be interesting to share something that came out of the shrooms' influence over my mind. Moderators, feel free to move this if you don't feel like it's a proper trip report.
As I made it to my dorm room, I started watching the Hawaii vs. OSU game on TV. The crowd cheering was way, way too much for me so I turned it off. I began to cry - for no reason. I wasn't sad, I wasn't even that anxious - I actually felt pretty happy.
I sat down to write, and this is what came out:
I'm a mess. There are fifteen thoughts in my mind and I can't seem to pick one out. Stop. That's a lie. That made no sense.
I don't know what I'm writing or why I'm writing it. All I know is that I need to write. What I feel is simple... yet incredibly complex. It all depends on how I look at it. I don't remember what I write as I write it, all I know is that it is true. It's what I'm thinking, and that's all that matters.
I feel strong emotions, connections towards home. I'm brought to tears thinking about my family. I love them deeply. Without them I am truly lost.
I'm fighting myself. The schools of thought travel through my mind and I don't know where to go. What should I capitalize on? Where should I spend my effort? Tears stream down my face but yet I am happy and in control. I feel overpowered by emotions... I miss my family, I miss my life back home. What does it all matter? Did it really take a foreign substance to bring this all out?
I'm at a crossroads, here in front of my computer at 12:25 am. Time still has meaning, things still matter. But those that do matter mean much more. What before was just "those people" that lived in my house... well, it all makes sense. Do I want this to be over? No and yes. There is much more to be learned from tonight. The difficult part is gone, and the release of emotion is occuring. Of course, I digress... my family has always meant this much to me, I've just never appreciated it as such, never really shown it. Why not? I need to. It's these god damn social boundaries we're forced to put up with. Why shouldn't a grown man cry? Who's to define a grown man? This isn't middle school any more.
Why can't I tell people I'm homesick? I didn't even know it before now. There are too many questions, questions that don't really need answers. This thought calms me. All of these questions, they don't matter. All that matters is home, love and happiness. Without these we are lost. There's no use thinking much deeper; I'm much happier here assigning meaning to those things that truly do not have it. I do not like being lost in my own thought. I respect that I cannot truly understand the world, my existence. It feels like there is an answer, this meaning. I do not want to know it. I do not want to face it.
I just want to go home.
You see, when I began writing this, I didn't know what to write about... all I knew is that it would come to me. Looking back it makes sense, but when I started writing I didn't know I had a goal. Everything is peaceful, there are no more fears. It's obvious everything will be okay. I'm going home to see my family soon, and that makes me happy. I will live out my life and no matter what happens I have full confidence that I will make the best of it. And that's all that counts. I'll continue making the best of life, no matter what challenges face me. I say "I will" because I have to. We all must have confidence in ourselves, or we are truly lost. We must love ourselves, and those around us for making this experience we call life truly amazing.
Without those who influence us we are just meaningless beings. The things we do, actions we take, meaningless rituals we persue, they make us human. And it all comes back to family.
Despair creeps into my mind occaisionally, but I always block it out. It's all I can do. From here, where to? I have to go in short distances, one goal to the next. I can't force myself to take great strides, because it's all too easy to fall. I have to go from point a to point b, then to point c, and back, finally, to point a... but a better point a. We're all heading to the same place, after all. Maybe the road is bumpy. We have to rely on family, we have to explore, we have to face our fears, and focus on the good. But in the end... we're all going to be okay.
The trip itself was rather mild, but I thought it might be interesting to share something that came out of the shrooms' influence over my mind. Moderators, feel free to move this if you don't feel like it's a proper trip report.
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