LONG TEXT but worth it
So here is my story:
EGO DEATH
3 months ago took 3.2g of homegrown cubes on an empty stomach. During the come up, the thought of not having a trip sitter and being too out of touch, I sent myself into an endless loop of dying in my room, and someone discovering me the day after, and every new loop i would just be discovered dead in a new way. Most horrifying experience in my life (up until Kundalini when my realities started crumbling.)
I have been trying to snap out of that loop for about 2-3 hours while profusely sweating, going between 2 extremes of hot/cold and wrapped in blankets. I had repeatedly asked myself questions such as: -What is going on? -Am i gonna die? -Am i insane? -What is reality? -Is reality insane? -How long have I've been "sleeping"? Since at that point i did not remember a single thing from my life before the trip. It's like there was no "future" or "past", just "now". Remember at that point, I had almost no visual connection with reality.
Then, I just hear this voice, but not really hear it but "feel it", and it screams: "Let go!" "Stop trying to control it!" "Let go!", and i "let go", and accept any outcome even if i die. I had no power to fight it anymore at that point. Then in literally 1 second my trip turns around and I get this pure bliss, so i get up and crazy thing is that all of the hallucinations, cev and oev are gone. Just silence, like all of the noise of the external world is gone, and I think to myself: "Am I dead? Is this heaven?" (btw prior always been an atheist).
Somewhere in this trip I came to a deep realization that sometimes our regular life is a "bad trip" of worries and anxieties that lead to nowhere, and only ruin your "now".
And right with this silence comes the state of clarity. Every single thing in my life made sense to me. I got this infinite wisdom for that time. I am the wisdom, I am everything and everything is one. Any question i would ask myself, i would always have a perfect answer for it, like I was the answer for it. It was a feeling of eternal peace, the most blissful but at the same time the most natural state. I also remember how I uncontrollably started saying things like: Everything is love, we just all need to be loved and understood, nothing else in this universe is real except for love. I got this huge burst of lovey feelings for my wife, my dog and all of the people in my life, like unconditional love that i couldn't explain and that some people might call "God".
So for about 2 month after that trip I've felt urges to meditate, eat more greens, and spend more "real quality" time with people rather than social media and memes. I've become more mindful and aware of how everything in my life has a direct impact on others and the world, even if i don't see it yet. I definitely felt that something was changed inside me for good but I cant explain what.
LSD Social Construct and reality Dissolution
About 4 weeks ago, I dropped around 150-200ug of good quality LSD, and with my weird body it kicked in a lot later than i expected (since i also swallowed the tabs). I spent half of the trip sitting on the front porch watching rain and nature. The delay in set off, made me have to go to my wife's bday dinner with her coworkers while still tripping balls, since i promised her earlier that i would go. Yeah, i know, poor planning. To not appear weird at dinner, i decide to just stfu and observe. As I'm observing all the table conversations and behavior, I start noticing repetitive patterns in behavior of people, and at that point their conversations start feeling so fake (actors like), like a fucking game or a movie, like the whole life is a fucking game and we are just actors without a script.
I was interrupted by my wife's phone lighting up, and I saw that she got a text from one of the girls sitting across the table. I dared to read the text, and this girl who was texting my wife was talking shit about the person, who was also present at the dinner. At that moment, I've suddenly experience such disgust towards that girl that it's such a low behavior to talk shit when the person she talks shit about is literally sitting there.
And then all of a sudden some uncontrolled processes start happening in my head, the entire social construct and conditioned forms of social norms and behaviors start deconstructing on their own in front of my eyes, and I get to witness it all live.Very hard thing to explain in words. All this fakeness and bonds build on judgment, hate, collusion, and all of the "unnatural" bonds stop making sense and suddenly, I feel so aware and disgusted with all of the low and cheap things I've done in my life, all the lies I told to people and myself. I became super aware of everything that seemed poisonous in human interactions.
Kundalini Awakening 10 days ago.
This is where weird shit begins. I forgot to mention that I'm also a stoner so i smoked 1.5g/day at that point. During the first 2 days while meditating stoned, I get this weird feeling that the meditation-lady voice tells me that I need to stop smoking weed. As being a paranoid stoner, I freak out and it spirals me into a full reassessment of my relationship with weed and convinces me that I'm an addict for that moment. The next morning to prove myself that i can, i decide to stop smoking for a month.
The same day i go to bed at night and I can't sleep so i haven't slept at all that night. What happens next, I can only describe as a period of 72 hours I had to take off work to deal with this psychosis. Some weird shit happening deep inside my psyche. Shit was so extreme that it was beyond my control. I was sober during the whole experience and i will try to describe what happened (If that's really possible to describe) During that time i repeatedly went thru moments of pure bliss similar to around 150mg of MDMA, to moments of not being able to deal with these uncontrollable processes in my head, to moments of bursting in tears because at one second I became aware of all of the problems, suffering, injustice of humanity and i felt so disgusted with our race, and how much unnecessary suffering we are causing to each other and mother nature that made us possible. Remember, all of those new fundamental thoughts went uncontrollably and took over all of my previous views and believes on every single outlook i had on the world. It's like I've transformed from Hitler to Buddha in 2 days. Not literally Hitler to Buddha but I just use this example to explain the extremeness and bipolarity of "old me" and "new transcended me". I don't see life and reality the same anymore. For good.
I have been freed of everything I thought I knew about the world, my beliefs, all of the false opinions and identities I have created for my entire life. I've been given second birth, and it's a truly blissful state, state of absolute fulfillment and lack of desire that I know live most of my life in. I didn't ask for it, it just happened to me and since then life has never been easier to live, and feels like i have no weight on my shoulders, and anything I put my mind up to is possible. I can't really write more about my Kundalini experience since it's very personal and sacred but i hope you enjoyed the read.