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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

K

kahli

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 14, 2012
Messages
13
Hi, I'm new here.
I'm known as Kahli on the web, so please call me that.
I'm 19 years old and I currently live with my boyfriend of 7 months.

Lately I've been quite unsure of whether I should stay with him or not.
He's a wonderful guy and we're very much in love, however our relationship shows signs of being unhealthy and I've been really unhappy for the past few months.
I feel that my boyfriend doesn't allow me to do the things I want to and is taking me further from my goals.
For instance, I am a GoGo Dancer at EDM events in our city. At first, he was very unhappy with me dancing because he hates the EDM scene and he is afraid that I will cheat on him while at a gig. For him, I have stopped going to EDM events for pleasure and only attend them while I'm getting paid to do so, which is a real bummer. In addition to that, his complete and utter lack of trust for me (due to my sexual history, which isn't really that bad anyways) compels him to accuse me of cheating on him frequently and even to state that I can't hang out with any guys without him present, and even if he is present when we hang out with friends of mine who are male, he makes it a miserable time by acting moody and well... like a jerk.
We've discussed alot of our problems and are trying to figure out how to improve our relationship, however there are two main points that make me feel as though I'm wasting my time:
1) He has said he will never marry me due to the fact that I wasn't a virgin when we met and that his life dream is to marry a virgin, although his own past isn't spotless (in fact, he's slept with more women than I have men). And no, he isn't religious in the slightest. He has said that he'll try to get over my past and let go of his virgin bride fantasy, however, whenever he gets angry at me, he continues to throw my past in my face and restate that he'll never marry me.
2) I feel that he is taking me further from my goals because he has alienated me from my niche; I discovered the world of EDM a few years ago and I feel like it is where I belong. At least, where I belong at this stage in my life. I want to go to EDM events, GoGo, and glove, and he doesn't approve or want me to take any part in the scene, which really irks me because he knew darn well that I was into that scene when we first started dating.

I am currently a college student and I feel that my relationship with him is holding me back from experiencing new things and finding myself. That being said, I really really love this guy and can definitely see a future with him (assuming he gets over his virgin wife fantasy), however I feel that I need some time to well, grow up. I still feel like a teenager and I still want to act like a teenager. I want to have fun and party and embrace life and experience all it has to offer, while my boyfriend never wants to go out, never wants to party and frankly never wants to do anything except sit on the couch, play video games and hang out with his friends. He and I seem to have very different ideas of what constitutes a good time.

Another thing that bothers me, but might sound idiotic is that my boyfriend no longer likes to do drugs or drink hard alcohol. When we first started dating we used to get drunk together almost every night, and about three months in started rolling together multiple times a week. While I admit that was very excessive, I would still like to roll occasionally and I still drink hard alcohol with my friends on the weekends, but he has told me that he doesn't want me to roll again because he is afraid that if I resume doing drugs he won't like me anymore. The reason this bothers me is because it didn't start bothering him until recently and it kinda blindsided me. At the beginning of our relationship I was rolling at least once every two weeks and had been doing so for about 8 mos (unhealthy, I know), which he knew. I didn't hide my drug use from him or my love for the edm scene, so I am stuck here wondering what the hell happened to change his mind. Suddenly he doesn't approve of my lifestyle choice and I have been way less active than I was in the scene that I love for him. I have alot of friends who like to roll and I would like to continue to do so. Not as much as I used to, but occasionally. I see nothing wrong with drug use in moderation and all of a sudden, he does. I think one factor in this is that he is a former heroin addict. I think he is afraid that if I start rolling again, he'll want to do heroin again, but he denies this. Btw, ecstasy, alcohol and ketamine are the only drugs that I like to use and would do occasionally again.

Also, his friends seem to be bad influences on him as far as the whole virgin wife fantasy goes. Practically all of his friends share that virgin-wife fantasy and frequently talk about how many girls are "sluts" in front of me and it hurts my feelings that my boyfriend would allow them to spew that chauvinistic bile not only under our roof, but right in front of me. Then again, he does it too.

I am unsure of what to do in this situation because I love my boyfriend. I definitely don't want to hurt him. I seem to find myself at a fork in the road and I don't know which path to choose: to stay with him, or get out before I get my heart broken. I know the chances of us ending up together are astronomical, but I feel this inexplicable connection to him. He's my best friend and my lover. There are many qualities I admire in him, but there are also qualities that I can't tolerate any longer such as his jealousy and chauvinistic tendencies. I worry that I will regret staying with him if I do, and I also worry that I will regret breaking up with him if I do. This has been so hard on me lately and I just don't know what to do...

Any advice?

Thank you,
Kahli
 
Sounds like is controlling and manipulating you to become 'something' that he can have fun with. I say 'thing' as he doesn't want you to be 'you' - if your happy to change your entire lifestyle to suit him then stay.

IMHO Find somebody who is going to love 'you' for being you? He has already told you he is not going to marry you, he is already showing that he doesn't like what you do or even who you are. He is possessive and jealous and sounds like he has major control issues, that added with the total lack of respect he is showing you - get out, get your shuffle on and enjoy yourself.

His loss by the sounds of things :)
 
You are too young to be in a relationship where you have to give up things you enjoy and make all these sacrifices only to be unhappy. There's plenty of time for that later on down the road. At your age you shouldn't have to worry about those things.

Captain.Heroin said:
He wants to marry a virgin?! He sounds absolute crazy.
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I don't see what's so crazy about that, and there's a lot of people that wish to marry virgins.
 
He has said he will never marry me due to the fact that I wasn't a virgin when we met and that his life dream is to marry a virgin
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Man tell him to eat shit and good luck with that. Talk about high expectations, and I thought mine were bad.

I am currently a college student and I feel that my relationship with him is holding me back from experiencing new things and finding myself.
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He probably is. You're 19 and your future is what YOU make of it. If you allow someone to tell you what you can and can't do, then I guarantee you in 10 years you will be kicking yourself. Boyfriends are supposed to mesh with you and be your partner. Boyfriends should never hold you back, tell you what you can do, or be any kind of drain on you. Sure, he can make suggestions or ask you not to do something, but asking and *telling* are two different things.
 
My first instinct would be to recommend leaving him. You sound miserable and he sounds a bit like a controlling jerk (no offense). He needs to accept you're allowed to live your own life and have your own experiences and it's not because you do things without him that you're being unfaithful. As you said, you're in university and stuff, you're supposed to go out and have fun.
Could you maybe try taking a break? Go a month or so without him and see how it feels...have you guys ever considered that?
He doesn't sound like he's respecting you nearly as much as he should.

One thing also that surprised me is that you guys are already talking about marriage like that although you're 19 and have only been together 7 months?!
 
Yeah I would break up with him too. You said how you're in a college or university concentrate on your studies instead of this guy.
 
I really appreciate your quick responses :)
Yeah, I think the best thing for me to do in the long run would be to leave, even though I love him.
 
I saw you mention that you are 19, but did you mention his age? I might have missed it, but if not do you mind disclosing his age?
 
My advice is similar to what has been said already - leave him.
He's controlling.
Wanting to marry a virgin? I mean, that's fine if that's what he's into - but then why is he dating you? If he has had sex before ... how does he expect a virgin to marry him???

And not allowing you to go to certain events? That's absolutely ridiculous. If my boyfriend didn't "allow" me to go out, have fun, etc. ... that would be the end of the relationship.

Anyway, you've only been with him for a few months, leave before it gets harder!
 
Tommyboy said:
I saw you mention that you are 19, but did you mention his age? I might have missed it, but if not do you mind disclosing his age?
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He's 18.
Thank you all for your advice. My boyfriend and I had a long discussion about my unhappiness and we're going to try to make things work and he promised to be less controlling and he said he's okay with mr going out without him. If things don't get better by February, I'm going to leave.
 
Virgin thing is a bullshit, an excuse in advance to treat you like shit and dump you whenever. Leave now, on your terms.
 
At 19 you are supposed to be having fun, not worrying about being controlled. Go out and be your own person, you will find love again. You will find someone who supports what you want to do, and find trust in you. He just throws your past out at you all the time and tries to belittle you? That is awful. Women are like roses, they are prickly and a real pain in the ass.. But are beautiful and need constant watering and attention to bloom. Focus on you right now, because no matter who you know, meet, and date in life you are all you will ever have. You are young, focus on you. You are all that matters right now, and yes it may sound selfish but life is about being selfish and about making sacrifices. While you are young be selfish have fun, as you get older sacrifice by changing and accepting you cannot get away with the same shit as you were at 19. Good luck to you.

PS- The whole virgin thing is a crock of shit. If you do decide to stay with him, fuck with him. Stop having sex and say you were baptized as a born-again virgin and you can't have sex. See how that goes ;].
 
IMO, you can't change a controlling person. The fact that he says he will change and work on it is just another method of controlling. But hey, you can always be a statistic.
 
Lysis said:
IMO, you can't change a controlling person. The fact that he says he will change and work on it is just another method of controlling. But hey, you can always be a statistic.
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Exactly! When you think how bad he was and then he has made changed his mind on everything. The problem is that both of you know his feelings on you going out to raves, with friends, using drugs and having a drink. Are you really going to be fine dropping a few pills and going out dancing etc when he is sitting at home? Do you think he will be fine you coming home after a rave when your still wasted?

I wish you both the best of luck - just be careful :)
 
Sorry kahlie but I can only advise you leave this guy & don't look back. You think he is controlling now? Give it 10 years of marriage because it will only get worse with time. You are young & should be free to experience what the world has to offer for better or worse.

I was the opposite with my ex. I "let" her do what she wanted & she had a hard time understanding that I meant it when I say "go have fun with your friends" because her exes would pull that line but mean something else. Trust is the single most important commodity in a healthy relationship. Seems like this prick not only does not trust you but lets his friends talk badly about women when you are around. This guy will never change I suspect.
 
You don't need to be subjected to this bullshit. It makes no difference if you're 19 or 29. He has stated that he wants to marry a virgin, Dealbreaker already! You live with him, so what - get out of this mess before it gets worse. Don't sacrifice yourself for this guy.
 
Sounds a lot like my previous relationship. Concerning the drugs and rave scene.


My ex-girlfriend wasn't really happy with me going to raves and EDM events and getting high either. Even though at the beggining, we used to smoke weed and drink together. After a while she stopped getting high and then was pissed off when I was on drugs. But fuck that if it ever stopped me. I just didn't tell her what I was doing so I wouldn't spark useless arguments. And later on I just didn't really seem to give a shit and told her everything I did... Obviously she wasn't very pleased so she started acting like a bitch and that's when shit really got cold.

I'd say, nothing good can ever come out of this, you're wasting your time, also he is stunting your growth, as a person.
Ditch him.
 
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