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Should I kill myself?

C

Cameron Poe

Bluelighter
Joined
May 29, 2006
Messages
32
I only ever feel good during fleeting moments. Fleeting moments which make the rest of my life worse. So I have a choice: either do nothing that makes me feel good, and plod along feeling miserable all the time. Or do things that make me feel good for a little while, but make the rest of my life even more miserable than it already is.

It's not much of a choice.

I go to work. I come home. I watch TV. Sometimes go to the gym. I go to bed. Repeat forever.

Sometimes I go out and get really drunk and fuck transsexual hookers and do lots of drugs; but that's not really sustainable. It's not really allowed anyway.
 
brink said:
I still ask myself that sometimes!
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:D

iboga is a drug from Africa they use to be in contact with their ancestors. It may or may not be of use to you - I haven't used it but read up on it a while back. I'm not sure drugs are an immediate answer for you. Most of them will fuck you over rather than solve your issues unless you have someone to guide you through.

I'm certain going out "and get really drunk and fuck transsexual hookers and do lots of drugs" isn't at all good for you.

I think it's time for a life review - you don't give your age nor circumstance but a change of life and perhaps diving into a new one might help. Look to the goals you had when you were young. What did you REALLY want to do? Maybe it's time to risk all and go for one of those goals?

*Medical Authorities warn that taking my advice may be hazardous to your health* :D
 
Oh! Or ayahuasca. There's this free resort in...Peru? Somewhere in South America where you can go and drink ayahuasca and trip and apparently it changes your life.
I've been like you for a really long time. I think there's something deep to be uncovered in suffering, and if you dig deep enough you break through to the other side like sunshine and starlight and then nirvana.
 
Cameron Poe said:
So I have a choice: either do nothing that makes me feel good, and plod along feeling miserable all the time. Or do things that make me feel good for a little while, but make the rest of my life even more miserable than it already is.
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That's a false dichotomy if I've ever heard one.

The good part is you realize there's something amiss. Most people go on living this inauthentic rut indefinitely. Now that you've discovered the issue its time to do something about it. Find your passion and let it consume you. How? That's a damn good question, try this:

http://milkthepigeon.com/2012/09/11/5-most-useful-tools-for-finding-your-work-in-life/

It's a start. Ultimately, your happiness is entirely up to you. No one person or thing can dictate how you feel except yourself. What's holding you back from being happy? Let us know.
 
It's not that black and white… You are stuck in duality.. I know cos my thinking does just. that.

It's really great you are aware of what is happening in your life now and need a change and 'asking' if you should kill yourself… Putting it out there isn't easy. I was there 3 months ago.. I'm still here.

I would try one small change, whatever it is something you enjoy.. and go with it.. Little things can give us a new perspective… Doing it myself…
 
Not to judge your situation based on one post.. but you don't mention other people. Perhaps that's your issue?

I feel the same way. I think nearly everyone does. What matters the most is connection with other people.. partner, family, friends, community, wider society. Our culture doesn't really place much importance on any of those except when it benefits the state.

Make yourself a new story. If you don't do it, society will do it for you. It's the best middle finger you can give too by living your way. Suicide just makes you another statistic. Be a man and carve your own path.
 
Other people is a problem. Or, rather, lack thereof.

I have no circle of friends which makes things a bit shit. I have a few friends but they live very far away. So I'on my own an awful lot. When people ask what my plans are, I have to lie most of the time. I don't really do anything. Most weekends I get no calls. No invites to anything. On the rare occasions I do, I tend to fuck things up by drinking too much.

I've tried going out to pubs/clubs without drinking but that's just rubbish. There's nothing much else I'm interested in.

I'm quite bitter and angry. I really do need to get over that shit, but I reckon I probably never will. I'm the wrong side of thirty. In that time I've been in a relationship for a grand total of eight months. I'm very unattractive, so my options there are limited. The only girls who'd have me are fat and ugly and I can't lie to myself enough to make that kind of thing work. I think I'd quite like to just have a normal boring relationship and do whatever it is people do, but that seems unattainable.
 
Maybe try some kind of sober form of socializing. Or a different job?

Or if you want the politically incorrect answer I would say you have a spiritual/religious problem.
 
421 said:
Maybe try some kind of sober form of socializing. Or a different job?

Or if you want the politically incorrect answer I would say you have a spiritual/religious problem.
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How did you get that from my posts? It is true, but not sure how you worked it out.

I grew up all religious. Church every week and all that. I've not been regularly since I was a teenager but still believed in all that for the longest time. I know now that it's all complete nonsense and tbh that has been quite hard to take.
 
I'm also not very young anymore.. and coming to terms I might be entering the 2nd part of my life… coming back from a 2 year heroin run… I am completely introverted and can live without any social contact, writing doing my art and not interacting at all… and be OK with it. The problem is this is not healthy as we are social beings and ought not live in isolation. I don't need to become an extrovert but I can do extroverted activities.

I make myself do things with people, and/or groups and get out and be a part of life. It can be exhausting but I do feel better when I do. I grew up in a highly religious catholic alcoholic chaotic dysfunctional family system… Religious is non sense… I agree. There is so much more out there that isn't religious based…

There is also therapy or group therapy which doesn't involve any shame/guilt based dogma some of the religious groups say one needs to heal. It's really important to talk about what has and is happening .. process it with someone you can trust.. Otherwise it stays bottled up inside and sometimes creates, not just depression but physical ailments… as there is grief that is on hold…

I understand the bitterness, anger.. for me underneath that ...is anger with myself for abandoning myself … not taking care of myself recently putting myself in situations that could and have harmed me. This is about loss…

Best of luck to you… <3
 
can't say i know of any substitute for just getting sociable and linking up with people you can tolerate. drugs and depression def don't make things easier, if you go cold turkey a while you might get some motivation together and spur you into going out and trying something where you can meet people, the hardest part is just sticking with it and toughing it out. ime it's true that you get out of life what you put in, even shit that seems like a pointless waste of time can turn into something great if you just show up with a positive attitude.
 
Cameron Poe said:
How did you get that from my posts? It is true, but not sure how you worked it out.

I grew up all religious. Church every week and all that. I've not been regularly since I was a teenager but still believed in all that for the longest time. I know now that it's all complete nonsense and tbh that has been quite hard to take.
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What you call nonsense is what made me come to the conclusion.
 
Cameron Poe said:
Other people is a problem. Or, rather, lack thereof.

I have no circle of friends which makes things a bit shit. I have a few friends but they live very far away. So I'on my own an awful lot. When people ask what my plans are, I have to lie most of the time. I don't really do anything. Most weekends I get no calls. No invites to anything. On the rare occasions I do, I tend to fuck things up by drinking too much.

I've tried going out to pubs/clubs without drinking but that's just rubbish. There's nothing much else I'm interested in.

I'm quite bitter and angry. I really do need to get over that shit, but I reckon I probably never will. I'm the wrong side of thirty. In that time I've been in a relationship for a grand total of eight months. I'm very unattractive, so my options there are limited. The only girls who'd have me are fat and ugly and I can't lie to myself enough to make that kind of thing work. I think I'd quite like to just have a normal boring relationship and do whatever it is people do, but that seems unattainable.
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Can you get a dog? Nothing like having someone to look after who loves you unconditionally to bring you up. And you get exercise while training him as well. And you'd be surprised how many times you get to chat to females while out walking the dog.

Of course if you're going to be cruel to it, forget it - it will just isolate you more, but if you feel you can care for another entity, a dog is an excellent choice.

And don't let anyone talk you out of it because you're in a flat or something - all that means is daily walks are a must. Dogs will fit in with any lifestyle - I had a German shepherd while living in a flat with no yard.

And you might want to look past weight and surface looks - try getting to know people rather than judge by the outside.
 
I have no idea what thujone is talking about, but if going out to bars and clubs isn't your thing then don't do it.

As far as being lonely, that's understandable. Humans are naturally social beings. but you have to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with other people. Hell, you don't even have to be around others but you can't escape who you are. Work on yourself first, things like discovering a hobby. You say you have no interests, but really how many different activities have you tried? You can take up reading, painting, photography, playing an instrument, working out, excetera excetera. There is bound to be something but the only way to find out is trying. If you keep your mind and body active, you won't feel nearly as bummed out. Give it a shot. You do want to feel better, don't you?
 
I'm not religious or anything like that but I don't think you can get a positive outcome from a negative action. What if you were reborn as something/someone else? A baby born to an Iraqi mother, a deformed child, a dog that lives it's life chained to a tree....

Please try and make the most of what you DO have. I like the idea someone said earlier about pursuing a dream you always had. Do something drastic, break the monotony! I am doing that right now; I'm getting a job after being a stay at home mom for 6 years. I am excited for the change; I could feel depression creeping in.


Good luck!
 
Damn

BrentlyD said:
I'm not religious or anything like that but I don't think you can get a positive outcome from a negative action. What if you were reborn as something/someone else? A baby born to a Texan mother, a deformed child, a dog that lives it's life chained to a tree....

!
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