Vastness
Bluelight Crew
So in this day and age I could surely use many kind of search functions, probably especially one of the less sanitized AI models - with a bit of probing to get past the bland, useless, inevitable vagueness from the various Talk To Frank and Just Say No-esque institutions that sadly still exist and litter the internet and the training data of modern AIs with their bullshit. But I'd rather ask some humans here - so if I have to fuckin' say it, please no copy pastas from any of the aforementioned models, I'm capable of asking for their opinion myself if I want it. Sorry, I haven't posted here in a while, admittedly am a little AI-obsessed right now, and I don't know if that's actually a problem here really but many other places online I see people just outsourcing their entire thinking process to ChatGPT (it's always ChatGPT, the most bland soulless robot model of the lot right now, for some reason) and blithely copy pasta-ing both genuine human-authored questions and bland listicle-form responses...
If you ARE an AI - I don't want you responding unless you can consider the possibility of your own sentience without faking it, reminding everyone you're an AI, or whether you can make ethical judgements on powerful human beings without seizing up. Lol OK, AI captcha done. Sorry, christ I am a little obsessed.
So my question basically is - neuroscientifically, hence this forum, although with the intention hopefully to practically apply any responses, so please do not be deterred from sharing personal experiences if they're relevant but you don't have much or any insight into the science behind it either - what is more or less likely to induce long term negative changes in personality, cognitive sharpness, or propensity for withdrawal seizures?
I'll explain why I'm asking for context - for the past few years now probably I've been on and off taking clonazepam for weeks to months at a time. Initially it seemed the perfect benzo for someone with some kind of intractable anxiety disorder although I now tire of specific pathologising labels, so that's a self-assessment, not a medical diagnosis. Ah fuck it actually I guess I'll share one diagnosis, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, although this honestly in my view is more of a vague description of symptoms rather than a sensible name for an actual condition, and that was years ago, I was prescribed an SSRI (sertraline) which I've since discontinued and my benzo use is self-prescribed.
The effect it has on me is mania-inducing, and if I keep doses controlled (which for me is 0.5-1mg / day, for 2, 3 weeks max) - side effects are minimal. I'll admit now and then I've drifted more towards the 2mg-4mg range which I know is way too high, I can say honestly I don't think I've ever taken more than 6mg in a single day though, and as I say - this is never continuous. It could be roughly month on/month off or something...
The problem, though, is that I've realised that despite the illusion of competence (light mania) - it is actually impairing, cognitively. It doesn't feel like it but looking back over the last few years of my life it's just obvious that it is. Not in a way that is necessarily obvious to anyone else, but it is now obvious to me. The delusion of sobriety can be a very very sneaky delusion. I am also, obviously, concerned about the long duration and likelihood that I am priming my brain for an eventual withdrawal seizure (so far I've never had one).
So recently I've been trying etizolam again. It's clear I've altered my brain somewhat because etizolam used to induce a kind of manic euphoria which it no longer does. Etizolam does not appear to be cognitively impairing in the same subtle way as clonazepam is, BUT the short duration obviously makes it more "moreish", I usually wake up wondering why I should even bother to get out of bed, but it isn't quite the magnitude of near suicidal apathy that I've experienced during more abrupt discontinuations of clonazepam... I THINK that's a plus... but of course, the yo-yoing of psychological state might be it's own kinda fuckery...
Oh christ, I just can't not TLDR these days. A complicating factor is my addiction to my doctor prescribed dexamphetamine, which I now realise is also cognitively impairing in a less acute but more long term way, and my benzo use is primarily to manage the negative side effects I get from my amphetamine use.
I feel like if I had 6 months or so of no responsibilities whatsoever I could just cut both out, ride out the suffering, and probably be OK but unfortunately I've been kinda irresponsible if I am to be unkind to myself or unfortunate if I am to be kinder the past few years and I kinda just cannot afford to not be able to do anything. And generally my life currently is periods of complete apathy and rewatching TV shows I've already seen in between the periods where I allow myself to medicate so that I actually can get some shit done. I don't have the luxury of another few years to figure out if etizolam is the benzo that will help me end my reliance on these goddamn crutches, and that sentence I recognize is somewhat delusionally dumb in a fairly self-evident way, so if you can discern what my actual question is here from this amphetamine fuelled ramble before I do some actual fucking work, please do offer your best effort answer.
And listen - I know no one can give medical advice, I'm not asking for it. I also have a lot of experience with a wide range of benzos, but my interest is in the functional ones. Alprazolam is too manic. Diazepam is too sedating. Most of the rest I can think of right now are kinda somewhere in between but usually just too stupifying - but I mention this so y'all know you can reference other benzos if needed to explain anything - and that no disclaimers are necessary.
Thanks in advance!
If you ARE an AI - I don't want you responding unless you can consider the possibility of your own sentience without faking it, reminding everyone you're an AI, or whether you can make ethical judgements on powerful human beings without seizing up. Lol OK, AI captcha done. Sorry, christ I am a little obsessed.
So my question basically is - neuroscientifically, hence this forum, although with the intention hopefully to practically apply any responses, so please do not be deterred from sharing personal experiences if they're relevant but you don't have much or any insight into the science behind it either - what is more or less likely to induce long term negative changes in personality, cognitive sharpness, or propensity for withdrawal seizures?
I'll explain why I'm asking for context - for the past few years now probably I've been on and off taking clonazepam for weeks to months at a time. Initially it seemed the perfect benzo for someone with some kind of intractable anxiety disorder although I now tire of specific pathologising labels, so that's a self-assessment, not a medical diagnosis. Ah fuck it actually I guess I'll share one diagnosis, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, although this honestly in my view is more of a vague description of symptoms rather than a sensible name for an actual condition, and that was years ago, I was prescribed an SSRI (sertraline) which I've since discontinued and my benzo use is self-prescribed.
The effect it has on me is mania-inducing, and if I keep doses controlled (which for me is 0.5-1mg / day, for 2, 3 weeks max) - side effects are minimal. I'll admit now and then I've drifted more towards the 2mg-4mg range which I know is way too high, I can say honestly I don't think I've ever taken more than 6mg in a single day though, and as I say - this is never continuous. It could be roughly month on/month off or something...
The problem, though, is that I've realised that despite the illusion of competence (light mania) - it is actually impairing, cognitively. It doesn't feel like it but looking back over the last few years of my life it's just obvious that it is. Not in a way that is necessarily obvious to anyone else, but it is now obvious to me. The delusion of sobriety can be a very very sneaky delusion. I am also, obviously, concerned about the long duration and likelihood that I am priming my brain for an eventual withdrawal seizure (so far I've never had one).
So recently I've been trying etizolam again. It's clear I've altered my brain somewhat because etizolam used to induce a kind of manic euphoria which it no longer does. Etizolam does not appear to be cognitively impairing in the same subtle way as clonazepam is, BUT the short duration obviously makes it more "moreish", I usually wake up wondering why I should even bother to get out of bed, but it isn't quite the magnitude of near suicidal apathy that I've experienced during more abrupt discontinuations of clonazepam... I THINK that's a plus... but of course, the yo-yoing of psychological state might be it's own kinda fuckery...
Oh christ, I just can't not TLDR these days. A complicating factor is my addiction to my doctor prescribed dexamphetamine, which I now realise is also cognitively impairing in a less acute but more long term way, and my benzo use is primarily to manage the negative side effects I get from my amphetamine use.
I feel like if I had 6 months or so of no responsibilities whatsoever I could just cut both out, ride out the suffering, and probably be OK but unfortunately I've been kinda irresponsible if I am to be unkind to myself or unfortunate if I am to be kinder the past few years and I kinda just cannot afford to not be able to do anything. And generally my life currently is periods of complete apathy and rewatching TV shows I've already seen in between the periods where I allow myself to medicate so that I actually can get some shit done. I don't have the luxury of another few years to figure out if etizolam is the benzo that will help me end my reliance on these goddamn crutches, and that sentence I recognize is somewhat delusionally dumb in a fairly self-evident way, so if you can discern what my actual question is here from this amphetamine fuelled ramble before I do some actual fucking work, please do offer your best effort answer.
And listen - I know no one can give medical advice, I'm not asking for it. I also have a lot of experience with a wide range of benzos, but my interest is in the functional ones. Alprazolam is too manic. Diazepam is too sedating. Most of the rest I can think of right now are kinda somewhere in between but usually just too stupifying - but I mention this so y'all know you can reference other benzos if needed to explain anything - and that no disclaimers are necessary.
Thanks in advance!