QuasiStoned
Bluelighter
I wonder now if they are going to try and do something with the poppies... ![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
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Shit I fucked up terribly my friends
- Thread starter QuasiStoned
- Start date
Ixchellian
Bluelighter
if they haven't came back and charged you for the poppies, I doubt they will at all.
or yeh got rid of them. lol
but look.... jail time isn't like prison time. nobody is gonna fuck with you unless you give em a reason to. just be cool, don't hide on your rack. that makes inmates nervous.
even if you got 60-90 days, its not that bad. you can do a lot to improve yourself during that time; work out, write/draw (if you're a good artist with things like flowers, those are good for commissary-trades), learn stuff (most jails allow incoming books as long as they come direct from Amazon)..... and above all, detox.
don't think of jail as this terrible thing. think of it as a county-funded lockdowned detox-center. yeah, having little/no privacy sucks, but you'll get over it. and not being able to come/go, make regular/normal phone calls, can't control the tv remote, the lights never go out, its noisy, and the food sucks.... but its all just what you make of it.
I suggest once you've detoxed, start working out. you'll get that endorphin-buzz, sleep/better harder, build a normal appetite/metabolism, learn you some self-discipline, and get the muscles/tone that makes yeh more attractive on the outs.
xD
or yeh got rid of them. lol
but look.... jail time isn't like prison time. nobody is gonna fuck with you unless you give em a reason to. just be cool, don't hide on your rack. that makes inmates nervous.
even if you got 60-90 days, its not that bad. you can do a lot to improve yourself during that time; work out, write/draw (if you're a good artist with things like flowers, those are good for commissary-trades), learn stuff (most jails allow incoming books as long as they come direct from Amazon)..... and above all, detox.
don't think of jail as this terrible thing. think of it as a county-funded lockdowned detox-center. yeah, having little/no privacy sucks, but you'll get over it. and not being able to come/go, make regular/normal phone calls, can't control the tv remote, the lights never go out, its noisy, and the food sucks.... but its all just what you make of it.
I suggest once you've detoxed, start working out. you'll get that endorphin-buzz, sleep/better harder, build a normal appetite/metabolism, learn you some self-discipline, and get the muscles/tone that makes yeh more attractive on the outs.
xD
Binge_Artist
Ex-Bluelighter
My hunch is that, once the car has been towed, the searching is over.
I was riding with a buddy when he got pulled over. I had a bottle of percs (too many to have swallowed), so I sorta flung it under his seat. The police thought we were just typical drunks, and they didn't suspect us of drug use, so they just did a perfunctory search (didn't see the percs), and towed his car.
Went with him to pick up the car, and when he got out to pay for some gas or something, I found the pills right where I'd tossed them.
I was riding with a buddy when he got pulled over. I had a bottle of percs (too many to have swallowed), so I sorta flung it under his seat. The police thought we were just typical drunks, and they didn't suspect us of drug use, so they just did a perfunctory search (didn't see the percs), and towed his car.
Went with him to pick up the car, and when he got out to pay for some gas or something, I found the pills right where I'd tossed them.
T. Calderone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2010
- Messages
- 8,982
Oh man, that's harsh. I don't think he would spend more than 30 days in
county, if that. Mostly people just like you who have made bad decisions so
get yourself an attorney. Between fines, lawyer and future probation it's
going to be expensive. But I don't see you serving serious jail time really.
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T. Calderone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2010
- Messages
- 8,982
I had an incident a week after my dad died from a heart attack where I was
"suicidal" not really but just too fucked up and my sister had called the cops
and they did the 51/50 hold. What's strange at the hospital, they took blood
and I had bac of .22 I had been using oxys more than 4 years straight and it
did not show up on the tox screen, neither did the xanax. So the doctors did
not want to give me my usual meds and I was sick as hell. They didn't care
but eventually gave me a crushed percocet to swallow which I promptly
vomited all over the floor with people standing behind me trying to avoid the
splashing mess. They let me out after 5 days but that was a really shitty
experience. I'm glad they didn't section you. ~Theresa
"suicidal" not really but just too fucked up and my sister had called the cops
and they did the 51/50 hold. What's strange at the hospital, they took blood
and I had bac of .22 I had been using oxys more than 4 years straight and it
did not show up on the tox screen, neither did the xanax. So the doctors did
not want to give me my usual meds and I was sick as hell. They didn't care
but eventually gave me a crushed percocet to swallow which I promptly
vomited all over the floor with people standing behind me trying to avoid the
splashing mess. They let me out after 5 days but that was a really shitty
experience. I'm glad they didn't section you. ~Theresa
WhoKahSmknKatapila
Bluelighter
play the rehab card and slow the fuck down... my boy got 2 dui's and hes fine career wise.. again, sell the judge that u are trying to rehabilitate this means fucking enter rehab immediately so when court does come u can show record of ur in patient treatment.. this probably the only way... dude plays drug addled victim goes to rehab and hopefully can sell restored citizen... hey its a good paper back story at least..
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
There is no turning back for any of us, but things are far from irredeemable for you, even if the judge should choose to throw the book at you. Chenney had two DWIs and Bush one. This is not a career stopper by any means but could have career implications for a while especially when recent. Depends a lot on one's field.QuasiStoned said:
Don't get filled with despair, just start making some plans and some back up plans. This is nowhere as bad as being a convicted felon, but, convicted felons often succeed to spite substantial impediments that result from their situation when they are determined & motivated. You will be fine.
QuasiStoned
Bluelighter
I believe it went through juvenile court, I had something called a consent decree which resulted in a 6 month license suspension/probation. The only other option was adjudication which was worst and resulted in a year long suspension and year long probation.
I don't know that there is anything my attorney could do to keep those records out of court, I remember being told that if I got another DUI it would count as my 2nd one.
About the poppies, they were in the trunk and now they are gone along with the grinder so I think the police did take them. They never asked me about them though.
QuasiStoned
Bluelighter
I guess the OH MY GOD I'M FUCKED feeling is passing, but also it's becoming clear how much harder my life will not just me but on everyone. My parents sure as hell ain't letting me drive myself anywhere (hell I don't blame them). That means if my mom gets a job or her car breaks down I have no way into work except to walk an hour to get there. Or a bike... but then comes the cold weather and who can ride in 20 degree weather. I guess I might 
And then it will be months before the suspension starts. It's starting to look like I won't drive for years from now. I feel like I've lost all my pride, basically being forced to live a timid and obscure life from now on until this passes, with every dollar I can save going towards a lawyer.
Someone told me it costs about $10,000 to go through a DUI! I hope it's not more than 2000 dollars or so for a lawyer. When I get my summons I'm going to call the one I used for my prior marijuana possession, they asked for $1000 flat first defense for that case, I wonder how much more it is to defend a second DUI. That's more money than I make in a year! I could be going to school but instead I am now without a vehicle and a huge debt to pay. If I make it through this alive, I pray I'll never touch another downer again. I can't believe how wreckless I am on phenazepam. I knew it happened when I first got it, I should have known better and to stay away from the shit.
Sorry really ranting right now, this is one of my only outlets at a time like this. I feel so beaten down, I was having trouble dealing with sobriety even without an issue like this over my head. I still smoke jhw-073, it's the only way I can calm down and not over-worry for hours on end. Sleep has become my new high, I lay in bed until I can't sleep anymore and it's time to face the reality of a ruined existence.
Do you think that being an addict could be helpful for a defense in a situation like this? It's obvious I had a problem, dosing on poppy tea for 2 years and being in emergency presence twice for a "benzo overdosage." Rehab is definitely going to be part of the equation. I'm not dependent on anything right now though besides JWH so I wonder if an outpatient would be the best choice? That way I can keep earning money and try to address my psychological reason for wanting to numb myself out.
On a sidenote, my cigarette consumption has went up tenfold.
And then it will be months before the suspension starts. It's starting to look like I won't drive for years from now. I feel like I've lost all my pride, basically being forced to live a timid and obscure life from now on until this passes, with every dollar I can save going towards a lawyer.Someone told me it costs about $10,000 to go through a DUI! I hope it's not more than 2000 dollars or so for a lawyer. When I get my summons I'm going to call the one I used for my prior marijuana possession, they asked for $1000 flat first defense for that case, I wonder how much more it is to defend a second DUI. That's more money than I make in a year! I could be going to school but instead I am now without a vehicle and a huge debt to pay. If I make it through this alive, I pray I'll never touch another downer again. I can't believe how wreckless I am on phenazepam. I knew it happened when I first got it, I should have known better and to stay away from the shit.
Sorry really ranting right now, this is one of my only outlets at a time like this. I feel so beaten down, I was having trouble dealing with sobriety even without an issue like this over my head. I still smoke jhw-073, it's the only way I can calm down and not over-worry for hours on end. Sleep has become my new high, I lay in bed until I can't sleep anymore and it's time to face the reality of a ruined existence.
Do you think that being an addict could be helpful for a defense in a situation like this? It's obvious I had a problem, dosing on poppy tea for 2 years and being in emergency presence twice for a "benzo overdosage." Rehab is definitely going to be part of the equation. I'm not dependent on anything right now though besides JWH so I wonder if an outpatient would be the best choice? That way I can keep earning money and try to address my psychological reason for wanting to numb myself out.
On a sidenote, my cigarette consumption has went up tenfold.
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Bojangles69
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 20, 2009
- Messages
- 1,758
Bro I think you should honestly use this situation and try to turn it into an advantage in your life.
Phenezepam is crazy shit to play around with I know just from threads I see on here how that shit shuts down your body. But I think its more than possible that you get drug court instead of jail time. I heard for w/e reason because PA is a common wealth that their laws are much looser over there.
For instance I was sentenced to 7 years in NJ for my meth lab a while back, I was told by my lawyer if the crime happened in PA I could have most likely got off with much less time. This can obviously be some stupid rumor that my lawyer just told me, but I remember hearing it in prison too. I'd see people from PA with charge sheets a mile long only doing a couple years for all their charges. But I'm not well versed enough on PA laws to know that is true.
I still think what you're involved in now although serious, is a crapload more minor than things that could have happened. You need to always be telling yourself that and its what go me through my time in the slammer.
"What if I sold drugs that killed someone and got charged for manslaughter?"
"What if my lab blew up and I burned my family to the ground?"
You should tell yourself "what if I passed out behind the wheel and killed someone?"
Or "what if I passed out behind the wheel and killed myself?"
You can go on and on all day doing this. Rehab is NOT a bad place to be. Its a great place to gain some ambition and control back in life. You get to network with people in your situation, good people who are trying to turn their lives around. You should really use this situation to learn how to live with life completely sober. Or at least with minimal crutches in life. I'm not sure what the point really was of stopping the pods if you were just going on experimenting with ridiculously strong benzos and hydrocodone. I mean do you just plan to "experiment" till your physically hooked again?
Its taken me countless round of experimentation before I realized its not exactly experimenting, its just finding excuses to escape reality like always.
And as far as biking in the winter I had to do it for 6 months all the through mid January when the windchill was like -10 degrees. I bought a special mask and full body biking suit and to be honest it was like a heatsuit. Work was about a 2 mile ride everyday and before I knew it I was getting tons of exercise and cardio and feeling overall good about myself. Not to mention I wasn't working just to pay my car insurance anymore but had a few extra bucks to spare (which you can put towards fines every month).
And you say you're not dependent on anything but JWH but I still think you should go to the best form of rehab you can. Outpatient is good and all but to be honest I kinda liked inpatient better. Its a lot more effective and because your essentially forced to adapt to the environment (cause you're living there) you tend to open up a lot more and actually address your problems.
If you got to smoke pot I've never really been against it, but I still think you have a perfect opportunity to really turn your life around here. Like how long can you really maintain with JWH before you find a reason to get hooked back on benzos or opiates again? I think what my point honestly is - is I would give a left arm right now to just go to rehab and straighten my life out.
Although I've gone through it so many times before theres too much to risk now. I would be the straw the broke the camels back and my family would most likely disown me. Your family is well aware of your problems, you're still somewhat young and have that as an excuse still (once you get a bit older its harder to use that "i was young and experimenting" excuse anymore) you really have a golden opportunity to fix your life now.
I've had to rebuild my life more than once from the ground up. And I've always wound up throwing it away, but this is the first time I'm rebuilding it all by myself. You obviously have to want it for it to be effective down the road, but after everything you've been through I'm not sure how you could not want to get clean once and for all.
whatever the case we will all be here to talk you threw this and help the best we know how! take care
Phenezepam is crazy shit to play around with I know just from threads I see on here how that shit shuts down your body. But I think its more than possible that you get drug court instead of jail time. I heard for w/e reason because PA is a common wealth that their laws are much looser over there.
For instance I was sentenced to 7 years in NJ for my meth lab a while back, I was told by my lawyer if the crime happened in PA I could have most likely got off with much less time. This can obviously be some stupid rumor that my lawyer just told me, but I remember hearing it in prison too. I'd see people from PA with charge sheets a mile long only doing a couple years for all their charges. But I'm not well versed enough on PA laws to know that is true.
I still think what you're involved in now although serious, is a crapload more minor than things that could have happened. You need to always be telling yourself that and its what go me through my time in the slammer.
"What if I sold drugs that killed someone and got charged for manslaughter?"
"What if my lab blew up and I burned my family to the ground?"
You should tell yourself "what if I passed out behind the wheel and killed someone?"
Or "what if I passed out behind the wheel and killed myself?"
You can go on and on all day doing this. Rehab is NOT a bad place to be. Its a great place to gain some ambition and control back in life. You get to network with people in your situation, good people who are trying to turn their lives around. You should really use this situation to learn how to live with life completely sober. Or at least with minimal crutches in life. I'm not sure what the point really was of stopping the pods if you were just going on experimenting with ridiculously strong benzos and hydrocodone. I mean do you just plan to "experiment" till your physically hooked again?
Its taken me countless round of experimentation before I realized its not exactly experimenting, its just finding excuses to escape reality like always.
And as far as biking in the winter I had to do it for 6 months all the through mid January when the windchill was like -10 degrees. I bought a special mask and full body biking suit and to be honest it was like a heatsuit. Work was about a 2 mile ride everyday and before I knew it I was getting tons of exercise and cardio and feeling overall good about myself. Not to mention I wasn't working just to pay my car insurance anymore but had a few extra bucks to spare (which you can put towards fines every month).
And you say you're not dependent on anything but JWH but I still think you should go to the best form of rehab you can. Outpatient is good and all but to be honest I kinda liked inpatient better. Its a lot more effective and because your essentially forced to adapt to the environment (cause you're living there) you tend to open up a lot more and actually address your problems.
If you got to smoke pot I've never really been against it, but I still think you have a perfect opportunity to really turn your life around here. Like how long can you really maintain with JWH before you find a reason to get hooked back on benzos or opiates again? I think what my point honestly is - is I would give a left arm right now to just go to rehab and straighten my life out.
Although I've gone through it so many times before theres too much to risk now. I would be the straw the broke the camels back and my family would most likely disown me. Your family is well aware of your problems, you're still somewhat young and have that as an excuse still (once you get a bit older its harder to use that "i was young and experimenting" excuse anymore) you really have a golden opportunity to fix your life now.
I've had to rebuild my life more than once from the ground up. And I've always wound up throwing it away, but this is the first time I'm rebuilding it all by myself. You obviously have to want it for it to be effective down the road, but after everything you've been through I'm not sure how you could not want to get clean once and for all.
whatever the case we will all be here to talk you threw this and help the best we know how! take care
QuasiStoned
Bluelighter
^^^
Thanks man I suppose I really could consider it a turning point. One problem is that I am pretty much penniless, I have about $300 right now and need to muster thousands for a lawyer. Inpatient rehab would be ideal but I really think that I have to keep my job as long as possible and save up money while I can. I don't know why I went back on the drugs, just stupidity I guess. It's becoming more and more clear though that there is no where to go but down from here if I stay on the path I am on.
When I meet with a lawyer I am going to be open and honest about my drug use and long term dependencies. Maybe the judge would be more sympathetic to someone who is really suffering but making an effort to turn their life around. Thanks for the support guys, I'd be tearing my hair out of my head or worst if it weren't for you guys.
I'm officially done with phenazepam and opiates, so at least I don't have to worry about more withdrawals or me doing more stupid things under the influence. I guess soon it will be time to invest in a bike next.
*Edit*
Does anyone know if health insurance would typically help pay for rehab?
Thanks man I suppose I really could consider it a turning point. One problem is that I am pretty much penniless, I have about $300 right now and need to muster thousands for a lawyer. Inpatient rehab would be ideal but I really think that I have to keep my job as long as possible and save up money while I can. I don't know why I went back on the drugs, just stupidity I guess. It's becoming more and more clear though that there is no where to go but down from here if I stay on the path I am on.
When I meet with a lawyer I am going to be open and honest about my drug use and long term dependencies. Maybe the judge would be more sympathetic to someone who is really suffering but making an effort to turn their life around. Thanks for the support guys, I'd be tearing my hair out of my head or worst if it weren't for you guys.
I'm officially done with phenazepam and opiates, so at least I don't have to worry about more withdrawals or me doing more stupid things under the influence. I guess soon it will be time to invest in a bike next.
*Edit*
Does anyone know if health insurance would typically help pay for rehab?
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Artificial Emotion
Bluelighter
I agree with the advice to get a lawyer. I like you QuasiStoned, but TBH I don't have any sympathy for drug drivers. What you did was shameful (I mean two days after you got the car back you totaled it?!). Drug driving affects other people and you could've killed someone, so this is something to think about!
However, having said that you seem to have realised the error of your ways and even if the worst comes to the worst and you do jail time, you will still have a life. If I were you I would start saving up money for a legal defense and try and keep out of trouble. Hopefully whatever your punishment is, it will be a learning curve for you. Good luck, you'll need it!
Oh, also, if I were you I would try and live without a car until you feel you're at a point where you can go without drugs all together IMO.
However, having said that you seem to have realised the error of your ways and even if the worst comes to the worst and you do jail time, you will still have a life. If I were you I would start saving up money for a legal defense and try and keep out of trouble. Hopefully whatever your punishment is, it will be a learning curve for you. Good luck, you'll need it!
Oh, also, if I were you I would try and live without a car until you feel you're at a point where you can go without drugs all together IMO.
QuasiStoned
Bluelighter
Yes, driving while intoxicated is very stupid. God I could punch myself for using that phenazepam shit again, wtf is wrong with me. I deserve to be punished, I could have killed someone.
As far as rehab goes, inpatient is out of the question. Way too much money that no one in my family has. It would take me a year to get up the money to do go. The best I can do for now is see an addiction counselor, I'm going to start soon and plan to go to the Penn Foundation. Perhaps they can help me learn to live with the mess I've made of my life and how to keep away from the worst of the drugs. I know it has to come from within me but it can't hurt for some extra guidance. I hope the court views it favorably that I am at least trying to get better.
I gotta be honest though guys, my life feels so tedious and boring and I have a very difficult time motivating myself to do anything. The things that intrigued me as a child barely elicit a response in me, it seems all I do is nothing if I'm not getting high. I don't know, I've lost that luster and excitement for life that I once had. Now I feel like I'm just working for no cause (to pay for fines and maybe an attorney) and leading a tedious boring life without any ability to drive for the next several years. FUCK. It would be nice to have a girlfriend, but I wouldn't date a loser like me. I'm not bad looking, and I imagine I could connect with someone, but it's like why bother trying when you've fucked yourself for the next several years?
*Edit*
I just wanted to add - Bojangles you are one fucking good man. Your posts are insightful and you've contributed a lot. We've spoken a lot over PM's in the past, you've helped me out in many ways. Honestly and sincerely, thank you. You are a valuable contributor over here in the Dark Side and I hope you stick around for a while.
As far as rehab goes, inpatient is out of the question. Way too much money that no one in my family has. It would take me a year to get up the money to do go. The best I can do for now is see an addiction counselor, I'm going to start soon and plan to go to the Penn Foundation. Perhaps they can help me learn to live with the mess I've made of my life and how to keep away from the worst of the drugs. I know it has to come from within me but it can't hurt for some extra guidance. I hope the court views it favorably that I am at least trying to get better.
I gotta be honest though guys, my life feels so tedious and boring and I have a very difficult time motivating myself to do anything. The things that intrigued me as a child barely elicit a response in me, it seems all I do is nothing if I'm not getting high. I don't know, I've lost that luster and excitement for life that I once had. Now I feel like I'm just working for no cause (to pay for fines and maybe an attorney) and leading a tedious boring life without any ability to drive for the next several years. FUCK. It would be nice to have a girlfriend, but I wouldn't date a loser like me. I'm not bad looking, and I imagine I could connect with someone, but it's like why bother trying when you've fucked yourself for the next several years?
*Edit*
I just wanted to add - Bojangles you are one fucking good man. Your posts are insightful and you've contributed a lot. We've spoken a lot over PM's in the past, you've helped me out in many ways. Honestly and sincerely, thank you. You are a valuable contributor over here in the Dark Side and I hope you stick around for a while.
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Bojangles69
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 20, 2009
- Messages
- 1,758
Wow thanks a lot bro I only do it because I've said before we were brothers at some point and got seperated at birth.
The same way you are focused on how boring your life is right now, was the same way I looked at my own life for years. I mean I had a whole year before I got sentenced where I DID NOTHING but work, pay fines, and go to NA. No social life, no excitement, no nothing at all. All so I could just sit around and wait to start serving time in prison, at 20 years old when I was suppose to be having the time of my life.
I can't lie it was hard, everyday I woke up I didn't think I'd make it. Other days I woke up with a blank stare on my face and would just cut myself off from the world, not engaging in any kind of fun at all because it would just make me think about the life I SHOULD BE living.
After I got through that year on bail, I told myself "I'm doing one big thing before I'm off to prison". So I tried to get laid lol, time was winding down to 2 weeks left and I got rejected over and over because I was too desperate and impatient with women. Wound up going to prison and realizing it could be years before I ever smelled a woman again, nevermind fucking them.
But WOOOOWWW do moments like this change our lives like we'd never expect. This tediousness, this boredom, this mundane existence you're living now... its not really because your life is worthless. I think you have a combination of multiple factors going on. You just dropped the largest coping mechanism you have (pods), you're young and have social obligations telling you everday that you should have a GF, have your own place to live, have all this bullshit that you convince yourself you need. Not to mention you have your families pressure, pressure from the law, JESUS CHRIST man you have every right in the world to be hating your life right now.
You ARE going through a lot I mean am I wrong lol? These are the types of things that other people react to and use as excuses to spiral completely out of control... which you're not doing. You're focused on the "boring" life that awaits you, which tells me you're already ready to jump in head first. Expecting that boredom only shows how prepared you are, not that you're just sitting around being useless.
To keep it simple I'll really say this about the boredom issue. Boredom is bad, but it will not break you like drugs will. In fact, boredom can very much improve your life like no other single force can.
Before my drug charges and all the legal drama I was a rather boring person myself. I mean I had a spark for life and had that youthful spirit to live... but it was mostly exhausted by just using drugs. The drugs are what overtime actually made my life meaningless, and in turn made me somewhat of a robot... but after years of boredom it really changed my life forever.
I think there was a point after only like 6 months in prison (which can mirror just 6 months of boredom for you) I noticed I started becoming a very different person. My long drawn out boring days started getting titrated with random hyperactive "I don't give a fuck" days. I just HAD to have fun, no matter how unmotivated I was I just HAD to live. I still really attribute a good deal of that to just being off the drugs than really the boredom alone causing it, but you have both factors working for you right now so your life can only logically really improve at this point.
Things will blow over in few months (even before you find out what your charges are your life will most likely stablized somewhat). If you stay clean long enough you'll naturally WANT TO COPE with life again. Your family will ease off once they see your behavoir changing. Once you dive into that tedious, dark and boring life, you will reach a depth almost like in a pool where you will start to be pulled back upwards by your own oxygen. Human beings can only tolerate boredom for so long before they akwardly start to mutate themselves into a more exciting person. Thats what really changed my life was not my life circumstance, not the fact I was in prison, but the decision I MADE to just start enjoying my life because I DESERVED IT.
I started becoming almost neurotic and hyper, and it worried me at first, but I realized I was just maturing and becoming a more outgoing/fun person. Stay off those drugs long enough and you can evolve to the point where no matter WHAT or WHERE you are, you realize the ability to have fun and be motivated is 100% YOUR decision. It will take some time though getting over this initial hump of disatisfaction before you see things transition for the better. But I promise you humans have this miraculous ability to bounce off of bad life circumstances like a tennis ball and just change everything they're fed up with.
As far as not driving yeh that will throw a girl your age off, but realistically speaking its a mans attitude that brings pussy into his life more than his car or license. His status and history have a bit to do with it, but your attitude always overrides all that shit. Another guy in your position might just tell himself "fuck I can't drive.... but hey some chicks really dig that because my 'badass factor' just jumped 10 notches being in legal trouble".
After you adjust to your new life, which will basically just consist of waking up everyday and breathing till you go to sleep lol, you're attitude WILL CHANGE. It will happen the day you wake up and geniunely feel grounded towards your life. Like "i may not drive tommorow, I may not have a gf then either... but I really don't give a fuck because I know I'll be alright either way".
THATS the attitude, "I know I'll be alright". Once you reach that point just watch how your life begins to change.
Thats the attitude that stops cravings, its the attitude that gets you a girl or a job you like, its a very rock solid form of confidence. And the extreme boredom you may be experiencing now can help develop that confidence, not take it away. You'll find ways to make your life more interesting, and it will wind up actually making you more interesting as a person. Same way you'll try to find a way to feel stable about your life, and its really just you that winds up becoming stable, as your life is only an extension of you.
I hate ranting aimlessly like this but I'm almost excited for you in this twisted little way. I don't view you as the type of person to collapse when their life crumbles down around them. For some reason I'm not worried about that, and I think its because you've somehow managed to convince me that you're a strong fuck (who the hell voluntarily cold turkeys off pods on the first try? lol Im serious). I think whats gonna happen now is that you really are just going to mature a lot and slowly evolve out of this shitty life. I do believe one day you're gonna wake up and realize how strong a person you are, and you're gonna grab the world by the balls and take whats rightfully yours, a good fucking life that is.
The same way you are focused on how boring your life is right now, was the same way I looked at my own life for years. I mean I had a whole year before I got sentenced where I DID NOTHING but work, pay fines, and go to NA. No social life, no excitement, no nothing at all. All so I could just sit around and wait to start serving time in prison, at 20 years old when I was suppose to be having the time of my life.
I can't lie it was hard, everyday I woke up I didn't think I'd make it. Other days I woke up with a blank stare on my face and would just cut myself off from the world, not engaging in any kind of fun at all because it would just make me think about the life I SHOULD BE living.
After I got through that year on bail, I told myself "I'm doing one big thing before I'm off to prison". So I tried to get laid lol, time was winding down to 2 weeks left and I got rejected over and over because I was too desperate and impatient with women. Wound up going to prison and realizing it could be years before I ever smelled a woman again, nevermind fucking them.
But WOOOOWWW do moments like this change our lives like we'd never expect. This tediousness, this boredom, this mundane existence you're living now... its not really because your life is worthless. I think you have a combination of multiple factors going on. You just dropped the largest coping mechanism you have (pods), you're young and have social obligations telling you everday that you should have a GF, have your own place to live, have all this bullshit that you convince yourself you need. Not to mention you have your families pressure, pressure from the law, JESUS CHRIST man you have every right in the world to be hating your life right now.
You ARE going through a lot I mean am I wrong lol? These are the types of things that other people react to and use as excuses to spiral completely out of control... which you're not doing. You're focused on the "boring" life that awaits you, which tells me you're already ready to jump in head first. Expecting that boredom only shows how prepared you are, not that you're just sitting around being useless.
To keep it simple I'll really say this about the boredom issue. Boredom is bad, but it will not break you like drugs will. In fact, boredom can very much improve your life like no other single force can.
Before my drug charges and all the legal drama I was a rather boring person myself. I mean I had a spark for life and had that youthful spirit to live... but it was mostly exhausted by just using drugs. The drugs are what overtime actually made my life meaningless, and in turn made me somewhat of a robot... but after years of boredom it really changed my life forever.
I think there was a point after only like 6 months in prison (which can mirror just 6 months of boredom for you) I noticed I started becoming a very different person. My long drawn out boring days started getting titrated with random hyperactive "I don't give a fuck" days. I just HAD to have fun, no matter how unmotivated I was I just HAD to live. I still really attribute a good deal of that to just being off the drugs than really the boredom alone causing it, but you have both factors working for you right now so your life can only logically really improve at this point.
Things will blow over in few months (even before you find out what your charges are your life will most likely stablized somewhat). If you stay clean long enough you'll naturally WANT TO COPE with life again. Your family will ease off once they see your behavoir changing. Once you dive into that tedious, dark and boring life, you will reach a depth almost like in a pool where you will start to be pulled back upwards by your own oxygen. Human beings can only tolerate boredom for so long before they akwardly start to mutate themselves into a more exciting person. Thats what really changed my life was not my life circumstance, not the fact I was in prison, but the decision I MADE to just start enjoying my life because I DESERVED IT.
I started becoming almost neurotic and hyper, and it worried me at first, but I realized I was just maturing and becoming a more outgoing/fun person. Stay off those drugs long enough and you can evolve to the point where no matter WHAT or WHERE you are, you realize the ability to have fun and be motivated is 100% YOUR decision. It will take some time though getting over this initial hump of disatisfaction before you see things transition for the better. But I promise you humans have this miraculous ability to bounce off of bad life circumstances like a tennis ball and just change everything they're fed up with.
As far as not driving yeh that will throw a girl your age off, but realistically speaking its a mans attitude that brings pussy into his life more than his car or license. His status and history have a bit to do with it, but your attitude always overrides all that shit. Another guy in your position might just tell himself "fuck I can't drive.... but hey some chicks really dig that because my 'badass factor' just jumped 10 notches being in legal trouble".
After you adjust to your new life, which will basically just consist of waking up everyday and breathing till you go to sleep lol, you're attitude WILL CHANGE. It will happen the day you wake up and geniunely feel grounded towards your life. Like "i may not drive tommorow, I may not have a gf then either... but I really don't give a fuck because I know I'll be alright either way".
THATS the attitude, "I know I'll be alright". Once you reach that point just watch how your life begins to change.
Thats the attitude that stops cravings, its the attitude that gets you a girl or a job you like, its a very rock solid form of confidence. And the extreme boredom you may be experiencing now can help develop that confidence, not take it away. You'll find ways to make your life more interesting, and it will wind up actually making you more interesting as a person. Same way you'll try to find a way to feel stable about your life, and its really just you that winds up becoming stable, as your life is only an extension of you.
I hate ranting aimlessly like this but I'm almost excited for you in this twisted little way. I don't view you as the type of person to collapse when their life crumbles down around them. For some reason I'm not worried about that, and I think its because you've somehow managed to convince me that you're a strong fuck (who the hell voluntarily cold turkeys off pods on the first try? lol Im serious). I think whats gonna happen now is that you really are just going to mature a lot and slowly evolve out of this shitty life. I do believe one day you're gonna wake up and realize how strong a person you are, and you're gonna grab the world by the balls and take whats rightfully yours, a good fucking life that is.
QuasiStoned
Bluelighter
Shit I actually tried to get in for some outpatient rehab yesterday and was informed that my insurance doesn't offer any coverage on treatment. There is no way I could afford rehab, especially considering that I'm going to have to somehow afford a lawyer.
I'm going to try and attend some NA meetings in my area though. I really do have a desire to get clean now, I'm pretty sure that this is fucking rock bottom for me.
The stress of knowing that a 2nd drug related DUI and possible drug offenses is coming in the mail is more than I can seem to take. I can't seem to relax, god I'm so scared of what's to come. I've never felt this depressed and scared in my life.
*Edit*
Another concern I have is how likely drug charges will be at keeping me from working. Am I looking at serious difficulty even getting another shitty retail job or fast food job? Common sense would suggest that this might be a very serious issue after I lose my current job (likely). God the only time I can relax about all of this is at night, knowing I'm safe for the day and nothing worse is going to happen. I know I'm getting ahead of myself here (haven't even received charges yet) but I'm preparing for the worst case scenario.
I'm going to try and attend some NA meetings in my area though. I really do have a desire to get clean now, I'm pretty sure that this is fucking rock bottom for me.
The stress of knowing that a 2nd drug related DUI and possible drug offenses is coming in the mail is more than I can seem to take. I can't seem to relax, god I'm so scared of what's to come. I've never felt this depressed and scared in my life.
*Edit*
Another concern I have is how likely drug charges will be at keeping me from working. Am I looking at serious difficulty even getting another shitty retail job or fast food job? Common sense would suggest that this might be a very serious issue after I lose my current job (likely). God the only time I can relax about all of this is at night, knowing I'm safe for the day and nothing worse is going to happen. I know I'm getting ahead of myself here (haven't even received charges yet) but I'm preparing for the worst case scenario.
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QuasiStoned
Bluelighter
^^^
This is a good point, there really is no sense worrying about what is out of my control. One day at a time I guess. I've calmed down again now, it's weird I seem to spend a good portion of my day in an anxious hell and then as night time rolls around the paralyzing fear starts to let up and I can listen to some music and enjoy some hobbies again. Tomorrow will be another day of worry though
This is a good point, there really is no sense worrying about what is out of my control. One day at a time I guess. I've calmed down again now, it's weird I seem to spend a good portion of my day in an anxious hell and then as night time rolls around the paralyzing fear starts to let up and I can listen to some music and enjoy some hobbies again. Tomorrow will be another day of worry though
Bojangles69
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 20, 2009
- Messages
- 1,758
Oh wait all we have to do is just not worry! For all this time I've been doing it wrong what do you know lol
I wish emotions were as simple as logical thought, its not always the case however.
I wish emotions were as simple as logical thought, its not always the case however.
carrion Doll
Bluelighter
OK, I did something quite stupid under the influence then was railroaded in court and got 5 years probation. I still fucked off got 2 dirty urines and got 2 years house arrest towards the end of my sentence. I thought it was the end of the world. That I would never make it and end up in prison. And believe me, I am not the type of girl who can handle prison, although what choice would I of had? But you know what? I made it through. I have a felony on my head, so I started my own business where I don't have to worry about what employers think. Because where I'm from felonies do fuck up the employment. I even got a VOP (that made number 3) on house arrest when they did a random search and found my husbands ornamental japanese sword in the back of a closet that we completely forgot about when emptying the house of weapons. Everyone told me (in jail, reason why I say don't listen to muthafuckers in jail), that there was NO way I was getting out of that. But I beat it with a good lawyer.
Like I said, I made it through, been a little over a year since the end of that 5 year nightmare. You will make it through too. It will not be easy, might be the hardest damn thing you will do. But the important thing is, turn it into something positive and learn from it. Otherwise all you are going through will be for nothing and you will do it again. Good luck, keep us posted and hang in there, you WILL be ok.
Like I said, I made it through, been a little over a year since the end of that 5 year nightmare. You will make it through too. It will not be easy, might be the hardest damn thing you will do. But the important thing is, turn it into something positive and learn from it. Otherwise all you are going through will be for nothing and you will do it again. Good luck, keep us posted and hang in there, you WILL be ok.