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Sexual Rejection is Harming my Relationship: Advice/Suggestions Needed!

T

TacototheCloud

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 25, 2014
Messages
45
Location
Missouri
Hello all! I've been reading BL for years and finally joined recently :) I love it!

I thought I should give a little background information in regards to my issue first (I'm going to focus on the sexual aspect of our relationship as that is what I'm struggling with):

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years and we have an 8 month old daughter. We met through a mutual friend and hit it off instantly. We waited a few weeks to start having sex (his idea which I wasn't thrilled about at first because I was -and still am- extremely attracted to him). From the beginning our sexual chemistry was phenomenal. We were open about our likes and dislikes and we each had an unwavering desire to pleasure one another. For the first 6 months we typically had sex every night. There were days when we had sex four times - we couldn't keep our hands off of each other and I loved it.

As time went on, things slowed down a bit sexually, but we were still intimate at least 4 times a week. While I was pregnant the amount of sex we had increased (I was horny 24/7). After our baby girl was born, Our sex life slowed down a bit, but we still made an effort to be intimate often and the desire to be together physically was still strong for both of us.

I'm having trouble pinpointing exactly when things started to change... but for the past 3 or 4 months my boyfriend has been rejecting my sexual advances quite often. I'd say he says no 75% of the time now. He has different reasons every time but the two main ones are - he's tired and he's just not in the mood.

The biggest issue I'm having with this is my reaction to his rejections. First I feel incredibly hurt, and then that hurt turns into anger. If we're laying in bed (at night) when he says no I can't even stay in bed with him. If I do, I keep asking him why he doesn't want to, if there's anything I can do to get him in the mood, etc. - I can't stop! He gets angry when this happens, so I've learned to just leave the room. I've been trying really hard to work on how I react when he doesn't want to have sex, but I'm having a really hard time with it. The past four nights I've tried to initiate sex and he's either downright said no, or he has said we are going to have sex but then has avoided it by going to a friends house or going to sleep.

Tonight I finally broke down and tried to talk to him about it. Nothing positive came from our discussion. All he kept saying was, "So I'm never allowed to say no?!"

Please don't get me wrong, I do understand that he is going to tired sometimes and that we're not always going to be in the mood at the same time. What I don't understand is why he is saying no all the time now. I practically had to beg him to let me give him a bj the other day!!

When we are intimate, we still have the same amazing chemistry as we did before; that aspect hasn't changed at all. He's a very generous partner too; his goal is to make me orgasm as many times as possible... that hasn't changed either.

I'm not expecting us to have sex every day... I just can't handle being shot down every time I try to initiate things. It makes me feel horrible. I can't imagine me ever telling him no if he came on to me, even if I was tired or not particularly in the mood. Just knowing he wants me turns me on instantly - I guess I feel like it should be that way for him too.

The main things I want to change are:

My inappropriate emotional reaction to him saying he isn't interested in sex and I would like to be intimate more often than we have been lately.

I appreciate any insight, advice, or suggestions any one has to offer. I need to put a stop to this vicious cycle of rejection + my inability to accept it before I cause any more damage to my relationship.
 
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It sounds like you're quite aware of your feelings and how your behaviour is unhelpful. But I have to ask, is he doing the same? Is he -
1. Admitting there's a pattern of rejection?
2. Willing to talk about the way pressure from you is making him feel? This is something that might be painful to head but you have to be willing to listen...
3. Willing to admit he has been less attracted to you lately/has less of a sex drive and willing to explore why this might be in a non-defensive way?

If he can't do these things I really don't know what can improve here, apart from you getting some good sex toys and doing more exercise so you can feel good, sexy and sexually satisfied without having to rely on him for this! (it might be a good idea regardless not to depend on sex with him for self-affirmation, it also means you'll get less upset and take rejection less personally).

Hope it works out, it didn't when it happen to me and eventually (after 3 years!) he finally admitted that he found me less attractive because I became more "domesticated" and less fun, was putting pressure on him and not letting him be himself and also had a crush on another girl. Everyone's situation is different, though.
 
Men in general have difficulties regarding talking about feelings and specially about the relationship.
I know friends who would rather have a difficult marriage than discussing their issues with a therapist or with themselves.
Having said that, i would be patient with him so that you can get to the point where you both can admit and/or accept talking about your issues.
 
True, being emotionally available is different for both sexes as well as f/m role model belief systems that are outdated but still exist unfortunately.
Also, men and women are wired differently…
 
hmmmm thing is the more he turns you down the less he will want to initiate sex.

maybe you have plateaued and this is his post honeymoon level of sex desire. try waiting for him to come on to you (sort of risky cos maybe he wont for a long time).

have you both started to let yourselves go? how often do you excercise etc.? do you go out anywhere and do anything romantic and fun like dates n shit?
 
This is a tough scenario, it's usually the other way around. The only way to change this is to mix it up sexually. There are many ways and things to try that will make things better sexually;
1. Get sexy evening wear.
2. Where wigs and be open to roll play.
3. Watch some pornography together.
4. Talk to each other about each other's fantasies and then discuss what your willing to try.
There are so many things you can do to spice things up but if you ask most people four times a week is not as bad as you think. I know a lot of people who are lucky to get that in a month. But since you are bringing this issue to him. You can control the direction the conversation go and how far you want to go. But be open and honest your heart is in the right place hopefully it goes where you want it to go. Vacations are great for rejuvenating couple's sex lives.
 
So sorry

I am new to this and I had no idea the message was sent already. I've tried several times to figure out how to delete the multiple copies of this message and I got no where. I hope it helps though and I wish you the best, and your boyfriend is a lucky bastard for having a girl who is that committed..
 
Thank you for your response lola! I apologize it took me so long to reply, things have been busy around here! Here you go:

1) He gets a bit defensive when I bring up my feelings of "rejection". He has admitted that he hasn't been in the mood as much lately, and attributes this to being so stressed at work and from being a new dad. In response to his stress levels I have tried several things to help him like: offering and giving massages every night, waking up with the baby in the middle of the night (although she rarely wakes up during the night), taking care of all the chores, asking him what he needs help with, offering/initiating oral sex just for him so he can get off and relax, etc. I even wrote him a love letter the other day - I thanked him for everything he does for me and for our daughter and reminisced about when we first met. None of these tokens of affection have been met with much besides a kiss. I feel like I'm trying everything I can think of!

2) When I bring these issues up he tends to get really down on himself and say things like, "I'm such a shitty boyfriend", or "I guess you'll have to find someone else who can fulfill your needs". I know he can tell how hurt I am after he turns me down. The other night he initiated an amazing make out session that started turning into more and then just suddenly stopped, laid back and fell asleep. I felt so dejected. I got up and started to leave when he woke up and asked where i was going. After we smoked a cigarette outside he pounced on me and we messed around a bit. When I asked (more like begged) for intercourse he didn't want to. We ended up both finishing from oral and manual stimulation, which was amazing don't get me wrong, but I really wanted to, for lack of a better term, fuck his brains out. When I asked him why he didn't want to he didn't have an answer.

3) Like I said before, he pins most, if not all, of his lack of sexual interest on stress and fatigue. I've suggested that he go see a doctor numerous times... but he won't. I've also tried everything I can think of to reduce his stress!

I haven't given up. I wore a sexy dress all day hoping that would catch his attention (and it did... he was checking me out all day), and then I made him biscuits and gravy, eggs, and bacon for dinner. He insinuated that he was turned on and wanted to have sex later on... but when I came on to him after we got in bed (I was naked) he barely rolled over enough to kiss me goodnight :(
 
Pofacedhoe - we are both in great shape (he is the sexiest man I've ever seen!!) You may be on to something is regards to our lack of date nights and being romantic with each other. I'm trying though! I wrote him a love letter two weeks ago and we saw a movie together today.

Hendobill - we are very open with each other about our fantasies and desires. Our sexual chemistry is off the charts (at least to me). We've watched porn together, tried all kinds of positions, had sex in naughty locations, etc. The problem is getting him to want to be intimate at all :( Once he's in the mood I couldn't ask for more from a sexual partner.

And thank you... I appreciate you saying that. Sometimes I feel a bit taken for granted when it comes to how hard I've been trying to make him feel good - sexually, mentally, physically, and emotionally.
 
mmmm....only time I did that was when i was sucking down 30+ norcos a day and had no sexual anything and didnt care that I didnt either. Does he partake in any kind of opiate use at all?
 
The only thing I know he uses is pot... he's always been very against using prescription medications. I was an opiate addict (I've been clean for over 5 years) and I would hope I would recognize the signs:(

Then again I hid it from everyone I loved for years....
 
Im sure you would be able to tell. Sorry my post was kinda useless there. Maybe wear something sexy for him just to mix it up a little. Or maybe reverse it on him. Dont ask for it and maybe deny him once or twice. He might be just taking for granted the idea that its there whenever he gets in the mood. SOmetimes guys need to be reminded of certain things.
 
Your reply wasn't useless at all! It made me step back and think about other possible causes for his decreased sex drive - I'm open to and all ideas! I will continue to wear my sexiest outfits around the house and see if that sparks anything. I also think your suggestion to deny him might work as well. At the very least he'll be able to better understand how it feels. I really appreciate your input :)
 
Let go of your expectations. With expectations comes disappointment. You can't fix him or try to manipulate him into being the way you want. Accept your situation, try to be compassionate, perhaps you are not the only one to suffer?

Work on yourself and find what makes you happy without him. Move on, just be happy yourself, it's a choice.

Being needy is just putting more pressure on him. Find yourself, be happy without him and hopefully he'll come around. If he doesn't, at least you will be happy. If your comeback is "I can't be happy without him." There lies your problem. Counting on someone else for your happiness is a dead end.
 
S0laris - he has NEVER had a problem getting it up. He gets hard when we make out... he can have a total hard on and still say he's not in the mood.
 
Mrinfinity - I am extremely happy. All other aspects of our relationship are solid. I would agree that I need to let go of my expectations and see if that helps lessen my anxiety and anger towards the situation.
 
I was in your situation except I was the one wanting more sex. I think my wanting more sex was driven by the fact that I was a new father. A reality I never imagined. Seeing my son when he was born was a spiritual experience AND it scared the shit out of me. This little dude was counting on me AND my wife was too. I was supporting A FAMILY. It really blew my mind and I put way too much pressure on myself. In other words i was in fear land big time. Fight, flight or freeze. For a while there I froze.

No doubt you man has a whole new perspective on life. What about birth control? Maybe the thought of another child is just too much? Just spit balling and throwing stuff out there. Whatever the case, what was the big change here? He's a new daddy! The responsibility can be daunting to some.
 
He had mentioned being uneasy about our method of birth control so I made an appointment to get an IUD (a very effective form of bc). I got it 2 weeks ago, and I was hoping it would help the situation because I know he's not ready for more kids yet... so far nothing has changed.

I completely understand that being a new parent is stressful (I'm a new mommy too!) I just feel like I'm doing everything I can think of to take pressure off him (I handle everything from scheduling doctors appointments, buying formula and baby food, scheduling all the babysitting and paying the sitter, to waking up with her during the night. All I'm asking for is some physical affection and I'm doing everything I can think of to allow him to relax enough to get in the mood.
 
Hmmm. I guess you don't have a choice but to back off for now and see if he starts initiating. I reckon that between the pressure of new fatherhood and the pressure from you to be intimate he might just need space and distance to let the dust settle.

I'd invest in some good vibrators to get yourself off when he's not around, so you're not relying on him for orgasms and penetration; have some cuddling time where physical contact can happen without him feeling pressured to have sex; and find other ways to feel good in your body without validation from him (exercise, for example).

It sounds like you're thinking too much about this to the point where you might be obsessing. This won't be a turn on for him... I'd actually back off for a good few months and direct your energy to other things before bringing this up again. Give him some space and see, you can't make him want to do it, he needs to "rediscrover" you as a sexual being which will happen at his own pace. Hope he doesn't have some complex of not finding you as sexual now you're a mother but sadly this is not uncommon.
 
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