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Sex in long term relationship

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Magickduck

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 16, 2012
Messages
405
So, people that are convinced having sex everyday is essential to being in love or who think sex = love, please step aside.

So my fiance and I have been together for five years. I love her to death, she is my absolute favorite person in the world, and she makes me complete. I am fairly sure she feels the same way about me. We've been through a lot together, to say the least. At one point through all our adventures and psychedelics we establish a telepathic bond and pretty much became one person. We loved each other so much that we didn't spend more than one hour apart in about 4 years. No joke. It's not that we COULDN'T be apart, we just didn't want to. We weren't just alone, we were usually around friends, at festivals, etc.. neither one of us had jobs and we'd travel/live in our different homes making it by in different ways. We'd heard thats unhealthy, and it ended up being so. For a bit we got tense, and we started bickering pretty frequently. They would never last long, but some of our fights got bad. (especially around her period, lol) We never went to bed angry though, and never held a grudge - which I think is crucial in a LTR (We actually had this advice passed down to us from an elderly married couple).

Over time we learned to co-exist in the same space while also doing seperate things and going out seperatly and just spending time apart. (we still were both unemployed and wandering). This helped a ton and we stopped having such bad fights and things went well. Eventually I got a 9-5 job and I now work everyday, and we do not fight at all anymore. Its been about a year and we don't fight whatsoever.. I mean we've got the occasional fling but its over with pretty quick and never out of hand. So we spend most of our free time together and love doing so, we laugh so much and have a blast together, etc.. So the relationship is very healthy.

As far as sex goes, however, we really don't do it all too often. Not that neither one of us does not find the other attractive, or anything like that, just for a bit when binging on acid, we got kind of spun out and lost interest in worldly things.... We still have sex, don't get me wrong, just not very often. maybe a few times a month at the most. When we do, its great, best sex ever. And we always feel so amazing and close for a while after. neither of us are that sexual of people, I suppose. We are very affectionate and cuddle alot, and the sex thing doesn't really both us, but I think we'd both rather do it more, but neither one of us has the energy... I think it is very healthy for relationships to have a good sex life.

Any ideas on spicing up the sex life or ideas on what could be causing this or what?
 
Have you ever considered aphrodisiacs? Finding the cause would be more beneficial, perhaps while experiementing with substances that aid your sex life, but then again, you two might just be having a healthy relationship that way. If neither of you want it, there is no reason to worry, is there?
 
Well, I think both of us would like to do it more often but I don't really know whats stopping us. Hard to explain, seems the answer is "just do it" but doesn't seem that simple.

As for me, it could be a subconscious fear of pregnancy as we have used no protection besides pulling it out for 5 years, speaking of, need to stop procrastinating and go get some form of protection...

As far as drugs go, that may be a good idea, though neither of us want to take any amphetamines, so those are out. MDMA probably wouldn't be good right now as our brains are still healing from drug abuse, though it'd probably be perfect, any ideas?
 
Magickduck said:
Well, I think both of us would like to do it more often but I don't really know whats stopping us. Hard to explain, seems the answer is "just do it" but doesn't seem that simple.

As for me, it could be a subconscious fear of pregnancy as we have used no protection besides pulling it out for 5 years, speaking of, need to stop procrastinating and go get some form of protection...

As far as drugs go, that may be a good idea, though neither of us want to take any amphetamines, so those are out. MDMA probably wouldn't be good right now as our brains are still healing from drug abuse, though it'd probably be perfect, any ideas?
Click to expand...

I would say definitely start using some kind of birth control if you are not ready to have children. Why in the world would you put this off for 5 years? Are you not that worried about her becoming pregnant, I mean is it kind of like, oh well, if it happens, it happens?

But worrying about her getting pregnant can definitely put a damper on things, even if just subconsciously.
 
Just wake up 10 minutes earlier each day and do it. My partner of 6 years get really irritable if she doesn't have sex at least every other day. I mean period angry, almost unbearable to be around if she isn't serviced. Also she sells more widgets at work if she has a good dicking before she leaves. So much so we have called it magic sales dick. So I look at it as like a job. A pretty awesome one if the truth be known, but an Important part of the working day none the less.

Weekends are all about hedonistic sweaty fucking.......
 
I can rarely be fucked during the week, unless it's a random quickie in the kitchen when I'm making dinner straight after work.

Quality over quantity, I reckon. I'd rather have sex once a week and it be the whole she-bang - lots of foreplay, go down on eachother etc and then finish it off with some lengthy intercourse. Lazy mid-week 'i just want to get off and be done with it' sex is not appealing. If a half-assed poke before I go to sleep is what's on offer, you may as well just lay next to eachother and masturbate. The erotic part of sex is the truly intimate parts, like feeding on eachother's genitals for hours, deep kissing, getting all passionate and sweaty. Who has time for that during the week?

Sex drive also ebbs and flows over the years, that's normal. Sometimes hers might be higher, at other times in the relationship yours might be. Don't turn frequency of sex into an issue unnecessarily. If you are both fine with it, don't let society's idea of how often it should be dictate how you feel. If you want to arouse your girlfriend more so that she's up for it more, run her a bath, turn the tv off and eat her pussy. Random question, but are you able to make her squirt? Once my boyfriend was able to make that happen for me using this particular technique, it was a total game changer.

Sometimes if I can't be bothered but plan on taking one for the team, I read porn on literotica.com first - a lot of my girlfriends do too. Those stories are hot.

Don't trip though, dude. Your sex life doesn't seem too problematic to either of you. It sounds like a mutually loving relationship still full of intimacy.
 
Yes, I second the idea of getting on birth control for many reasons.

I think what you are describing is natural over the course of relationships. I have been with my spouse for about 15 years now, and we have gone through times where we had sex all the time, and we have gone through times when it has only been a couple of times a month.

I think the key is to recognize if one partner starts to feel slighted....in your case, it appears on the surface that you are both on the same page.

If you really do want to start having sex more, you have to make time for it. In my experience, sex begets more sex...ie the more you do it, the more you will want to do it.
 
Well she doesn't respond well to hormones of any kind, so birth control like that is out of the question. We don't like condoms, but I think what we are going to do is get those little strips that you stick in the vagina beforehand and combine that with pulling it out.

I guess its more I am posting here as it seems a synch problem. Sometimes when she wants to have sex, I can't be bothered, and othertimes when I want to she won't even let me try to seduce her will treat it as silly and push me off and stuff. Sometimes we are both in the mood.
 
Magickduck said:
So, people that are convinced having sex everyday is essential to being in love or who think sex = love, please step aside.

So my fiance and I have been together for five years. I love her to death, she is my absolute favorite person in the world, and she makes me complete. I am fairly sure she feels the same way about me. We've been through a lot together, to say the least. At one point through all our adventures and psychedelics we establish a telepathic bond and pretty much became one person. We loved each other so much that we didn't spend more than one hour apart in about 4 years. No joke. It's not that we COULDN'T be apart, we just didn't want to. We weren't just alone, we were usually around friends, at festivals, etc.. neither one of us had jobs and we'd travel/live in our different homes making it by in different ways. We'd heard thats unhealthy, and it ended up being so. For a bit we got tense, and we started bickering pretty frequently. They would never last long, but some of our fights got bad. (especially around her period, lol) We never went to bed angry though, and never held a grudge - which I think is crucial in a LTR (We actually had this advice passed down to us from an elderly married couple).

Over time we learned to co-exist in the same space while also doing seperate things and going out seperatly and just spending time apart. (we still were both unemployed and wandering). This helped a ton and we stopped having such bad fights and things went well. Eventually I got a 9-5 job and I now work everyday, and we do not fight at all anymore. Its been about a year and we don't fight whatsoever.. I mean we've got the occasional fling but its over with pretty quick and never out of hand. So we spend most of our free time together and love doing so, we laugh so much and have a blast together, etc.. So the relationship is very healthy.

As far as sex goes, however, we really don't do it all too often. Not that neither one of us does not find the other attractive, or anything like that, just for a bit when binging on acid, we got kind of spun out and lost interest in worldly things.... We still have sex, don't get me wrong, just not very often. maybe a few times a month at the most. When we do, its great, best sex ever. And we always feel so amazing and close for a while after. neither of us are that sexual of people, I suppose. We are very affectionate and cuddle alot, and the sex thing doesn't really both us, but I think we'd both rather do it more, but neither one of us has the energy... I think it is very healthy for relationships to have a good sex life.

Any ideas on spicing up the sex life or ideas on what could be causing this or what?
Click to expand...

there isn't a problem really as far as i can see. quantity might replace quality if you are trying to overide your natural fatigue from responsibilities.

it sounds like you are well matched but would enjoy more sex- thing is it doesn't sound like you have a problem (with both of you having a moderate sex drive), just that you want things to be better and the easiest way for that is have more free time and be less tired. how can that be acheived?

what kinky desires have you got as well? fetish type shit....?
 
Maybe you guys need to get away and get some rest first.
Have you always had moderate to low libido?
After a while sex is simply less important in a relationship.
No magic solutions here I'm afraid, several times a month sounds good to me..
 
Maybe some time away from every day life and distractions.

Near anywhere cool to get a hotel room for the night? You guys can get a dinner, grab some drinks and head back. I imagine you know what gets your partner in the mood, maybe grab a few things from a sex store to play with or some lingerie you think she'd feel sexy in. I think the spontananity of it all could be beneficial for both.

After 3 years, I find that the unexpected moments are what ignite a whole new excitement in my relationship.
 
when I was married, in the end, it was horrible. It came down to- we can do that if you do this. She thought that thing was gold plated.
 
A few times a month sounds good. Lol. I think my boyfriend tries to aim for once a week at least but... it's usually a few times a month. I don't see anything wrong with that, tbh. Been together for 2 years--live together.
 
My relationship went through a similiar thing for a short period (though for the most part were always sexual) We fought all the time then we got better and even though we were happy sex seemed low.

Now that you're better, take some time off work and reconnect (that's what I did). Get some vicoden (I'm against using speed for us either), opiots seem to make us both horny without being able to get off easy. Also we bought a toy, like this giant dildo thing and let him use it on me or he'd watch me use it on myself and play with myself before we actually did the deed...he literally used it on me for hours while we both were on a few vicoden and some weed. It helped us get close. Explore each other, lights on, spend all day...cell phones away...make a rule, you must stay naked (unless you go outside lol). Do whatever your into. My bf and I like kinky shit, if that's not your thing then just do whatever your thing is, make a whole day or week of it. Do he with toys or your finger, go down on each other, make her squirm and watch. Then on the downtime in between sessions do things just to play around...I know i randomly stuck him with my butt and was like "butt tag youre it!" and it was random and funny and it was me and he loved it...now we say it all the time if were both just like wrestling naked...After a few days of that you two will fill so much closer sexually and in your relationship and it will be amazing having someone you're that close to in that way. You'll feel like one.
 
Stoned Immaculate said:
Maybe some time away from every day life and distractions.

Near anywhere cool to get a hotel room for the night? You guys can get a dinner, grab some drinks and head back. I imagine you know what gets your partner in the mood, maybe grab a few things from a sex store to play with or some lingerie you think she'd feel sexy in. I think the spontananity of it all could be beneficial for both.

After 3 years, I find that the unexpected moments are what ignite a whole new excitement in my relationship.
Click to expand...
actually, yes that's a splendid idea. We spoke about it a bit more in depth yesterday and she said the reason she personally is not in the mood is she doesn't feel sexy. Now she is a gorgeous redhead girl, and I am not just saying that, she is fucking nuts to doubt it - but that is besides the point. We spoke about getting some lingerie and yeah. We had this conversation after doing some MXE the other night together - and funny thing is - I didn't bring it up or even tell her I posted here, nor did I expect MXE to work as an aphrodisiac, and didn't expect her to do any with me as she doesn't normally do those type of drugs, but we did and somehow ended up having some AMAZING sex without even being consciouslly aware of it until halfway though... and we were like "how the heck did we start having sex?".
 
- go on actual dates (ones that would end in you having sex)
- sexy lingerie
- sex toys
- make a romantic dinner
 
1. Wait for her to go on a work trip
2. Have the place to yourself, smoke up some stims
3. Open secret porn folder
4. Profit//
 
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