Well I use to use a livejournal account but because I havent in years I forgot the password. The last post I ever made in it was about how I use to be a depressing alcoholic who drank himself to sleep every night. These days I look back on it and laugh, those days werent that hard.
The best day of my life was when i met my current girlfriend. I love her with everything and we were both in a bad spot when we met. The relationship started fast and we fell for each other very quickly. I was in college at the time and didnt realize how easy i had it. I spent the whole summer with her and that was only 2 years ago.
These days we spend our free time shooting dope. It hard to think about how we got here. Its only been 2 years since we started our journey together. I guess i started writing this because everyone wants someone to hear their story whether they exist or not they just want to feel like it meant something.
Ill start at the beginning. It was the summer of 2010 I had just left college and wasnt returning for that semester, financial aid and shit got fucked. She said it would be great to get an 80 and use it together. Prior to this time i only used them alone and when i was upset, of course i agreed. We did it and it was amazing. I think we said i love you to each other that night just something we had both been feeling. But that was the start. That connection was a friend he got them for us like 3 times total, he wouldnt have me become an addict. Naturally it didnt take long to meet someone else. We did them once a week it seemed. Progressively doing more and more. It started with 40mg making me sick then we were doing 60 each and feeling good. This kept going on and on till i met an actual whole sale dealer. Next thing i knew it was 3 each 3 times a week, every other day like clock work.
We would stop every once in a while claiming that we didnt want to get addicted or whatever. There were no WDs to really speak of other then the desire. This continued for a while about 8 months. The time seemed to fly when you look back at it. All our dreams and things we would tell each other never happened.
About 8 months ago we started using heroin. It started with blowing 2.5 bags each. We were able to do this a lot, which is why heroin is bad i guess. Next thing you know its daily or at least 5/7 days a week. We get introduced to shooting the whole time saying just once this feels dirty. It didnt stop though, we spent so many nights crying knowing what we had to do we just never stopped. Now we fight over stupid shit. It feels like once the d comes everything is ok and i was fine with that for a while. Until last last night.
She told me i didnt have to get it but being the idiot i am i got it in my head and once its there its not leaving. So i wait around forever for this jackass to score. I do i bring it home all happy. We are both happy then the problem occurs, i cant find a vein on her. I keep stabbing in the dark tension grows and grows. Then we start fighting she gets really pissed at me and im getting pissed at her. Well not her but her veins if they would just show i could get this over with. I felt so trapped i wanted to spray it on the ground and say she was right we dont need it tonight, shes always right. I couldnt though it was here and if i did that it would make things worse. I felt like i was stuck i felt like i couldnt stab her anymore but i had to i had to because it had to be done. Shes bleeding and crying saying fuck it its not going to work whats the point. Im squeezing her arm hard trying to get veins to show. Finally i get it after i take a second to do myself. We both apologize.
3 hours later shes angry. Shes pissed at me or the situation again she said i was hurting her because i was mad just like her ex boyfriend did. I looked back at it and i was i wasnt mad at her i was mad at her veins but theres no difference. I started crying shes completely right i got pissed and used extra force. I dont want to use anymore I do but i dont.
I have this plan to marry her i have the most beautiful ring all designed in my head. But i know if we keep this up it will be like all the other promises, it wont happen. I want to be clean again like it was in the beginning. I dont long for those days i long for a time when it was just us. I know we can be there again where its just us in bed together holding each other. Now those times are interupted by the dope man or something equally as bad. I feel like im in requiem for a dream, my only goal in life was to save her and make her happy. I ruined that because i saw it in opiates, the lies they tell us and make us believe. I should have listened to those who came before who had been there. Now although the love is there its blocked theres something in the way of making us truly happy.
I know our future is bright i know this will all end, it starts with me. It starts with accepting the fact shes going to yell, shes going to fight with me. She wont leave me because i dont get drugs she wont stop loving me, but neither one of us will make this easy. We will try to make it as easy as we can but i know what its going to be like.
If you ever read this, I love you. Ive said it countless times but i never meant for this, i just had this dream coupled with my own insatiable curiosity. For all the times we blame ourselves each other forces beyond our control, there is no blame. There is a way to make it all end to make it so these few dreams i still hold close dont burn up too. You've been nothing but supportive to me and tried so hard. I know something is going to give soon. I love you.
The best day of my life was when i met my current girlfriend. I love her with everything and we were both in a bad spot when we met. The relationship started fast and we fell for each other very quickly. I was in college at the time and didnt realize how easy i had it. I spent the whole summer with her and that was only 2 years ago.
These days we spend our free time shooting dope. It hard to think about how we got here. Its only been 2 years since we started our journey together. I guess i started writing this because everyone wants someone to hear their story whether they exist or not they just want to feel like it meant something.
Ill start at the beginning. It was the summer of 2010 I had just left college and wasnt returning for that semester, financial aid and shit got fucked. She said it would be great to get an 80 and use it together. Prior to this time i only used them alone and when i was upset, of course i agreed. We did it and it was amazing. I think we said i love you to each other that night just something we had both been feeling. But that was the start. That connection was a friend he got them for us like 3 times total, he wouldnt have me become an addict. Naturally it didnt take long to meet someone else. We did them once a week it seemed. Progressively doing more and more. It started with 40mg making me sick then we were doing 60 each and feeling good. This kept going on and on till i met an actual whole sale dealer. Next thing i knew it was 3 each 3 times a week, every other day like clock work.
We would stop every once in a while claiming that we didnt want to get addicted or whatever. There were no WDs to really speak of other then the desire. This continued for a while about 8 months. The time seemed to fly when you look back at it. All our dreams and things we would tell each other never happened.
About 8 months ago we started using heroin. It started with blowing 2.5 bags each. We were able to do this a lot, which is why heroin is bad i guess. Next thing you know its daily or at least 5/7 days a week. We get introduced to shooting the whole time saying just once this feels dirty. It didnt stop though, we spent so many nights crying knowing what we had to do we just never stopped. Now we fight over stupid shit. It feels like once the d comes everything is ok and i was fine with that for a while. Until last last night.
She told me i didnt have to get it but being the idiot i am i got it in my head and once its there its not leaving. So i wait around forever for this jackass to score. I do i bring it home all happy. We are both happy then the problem occurs, i cant find a vein on her. I keep stabbing in the dark tension grows and grows. Then we start fighting she gets really pissed at me and im getting pissed at her. Well not her but her veins if they would just show i could get this over with. I felt so trapped i wanted to spray it on the ground and say she was right we dont need it tonight, shes always right. I couldnt though it was here and if i did that it would make things worse. I felt like i was stuck i felt like i couldnt stab her anymore but i had to i had to because it had to be done. Shes bleeding and crying saying fuck it its not going to work whats the point. Im squeezing her arm hard trying to get veins to show. Finally i get it after i take a second to do myself. We both apologize.
3 hours later shes angry. Shes pissed at me or the situation again she said i was hurting her because i was mad just like her ex boyfriend did. I looked back at it and i was i wasnt mad at her i was mad at her veins but theres no difference. I started crying shes completely right i got pissed and used extra force. I dont want to use anymore I do but i dont.
I have this plan to marry her i have the most beautiful ring all designed in my head. But i know if we keep this up it will be like all the other promises, it wont happen. I want to be clean again like it was in the beginning. I dont long for those days i long for a time when it was just us. I know we can be there again where its just us in bed together holding each other. Now those times are interupted by the dope man or something equally as bad. I feel like im in requiem for a dream, my only goal in life was to save her and make her happy. I ruined that because i saw it in opiates, the lies they tell us and make us believe. I should have listened to those who came before who had been there. Now although the love is there its blocked theres something in the way of making us truly happy.
I know our future is bright i know this will all end, it starts with me. It starts with accepting the fact shes going to yell, shes going to fight with me. She wont leave me because i dont get drugs she wont stop loving me, but neither one of us will make this easy. We will try to make it as easy as we can but i know what its going to be like.
If you ever read this, I love you. Ive said it countless times but i never meant for this, i just had this dream coupled with my own insatiable curiosity. For all the times we blame ourselves each other forces beyond our control, there is no blame. There is a way to make it all end to make it so these few dreams i still hold close dont burn up too. You've been nothing but supportive to me and tried so hard. I know something is going to give soon. I love you.
