Here's the rest of it since posts can only have 10000 characters...Between the two posts, five of these are *coughbullshitcough* stories.
10 I don’t embarrass easily or often but I was pretty embarrassed when I was working on a Disney cruise ship. I was in “Disney’s Favorite Holiday Songs” musical review where we had 3 different costume changes in a half hour show. I ran backstage for my second costume change & couldn’t find the green leggings needed so I decided to keep on the beige ones; at least my legs would look bare. I zipped back on stage for the next dance number - it was no big deal because I was in the back anyway. This wench Katriana hissed at me I was wearing the wrong tights. I told her I knew but couldn’t find the right ones. Then, unbelievably, she SHOVES me & tells me to get on the right ones but I was on one foot at the time so I slipped & fell...and knocked over two dancers in front of me...who knocked over about five dancers in front of them, including Minnie Mouse. Thank GOD her head didn’t come off but we had to close the show (the whole thing is on a timer) & there was some real ass-kissing that happened for the audience. She played it off like I slipped & she was trying to catch me & no one believed she shoved me. Oddly, my contract wasn't renewed. She worked there two more years until she got scurvy. Ok, she didn’t, but she should have.
11 When I was about four, I had some poor friend over to spend the night. Well after my mother went to bed, I enticed my friend to go out into the neighborhood with me to chase the cute “black and white cats” I always saw running around. It didn’t take us long to find one. And corner it. And...ahem...piss it off. We got back to my house crying & reeking of an matchless funk. My mom bathed us in everything short of Clorox but it was a while before the stench came out. THAT kid never came back. I’m not good with sleepovers.
12 I speak four languages: Spanish, Italian, English & French. I learned a little bit of ASL when I thought my younger daughter might not speak on time but now it's “I love you,” “thank you,” “beautiful” & “more.” I took an intensive Italian class. I did okay. I really, really wanted to learn Italian & I figured knowing French & Spanish, Italian would be easy. WRONG. What is WRONG with you Italians!?!? Why, WHY are there EIGHT words for “THE” in Italian? What THE frick is up with that??? They use “the” EVERYWHERE!! Ex., in Italian, you would say, “Where is the my pen?” WHAAAAAT??? (Still, I’m not translating *quite* effectively, because English doesn’t have gender, so it’s more like “where is [girl version of] the my pen?”) ACK. Help, no. French & Spanish do not have eight “the”s & we don’t say “the my pen.” No. Just…no. So...I sort of speak the Italian.
13 On the set of “The Water Boy,” I made Adam Sandler run off in fear of being pounced by me. It was around 409° Celsius & we were sweltering in bleachers on the football field. It was so hot, we were sizzling. Adam came out to sign a few autographs. As he got closer, in my heat-induced delirium, I hit on him. “So, Adam, when are we goin’ out?” He glanced over at me, chuckled & replied, “Oh, well...I don’t get out much..” My inner Mae West kicked in & I responded, “Even better, baby, when do we get to stay in??” He literally dropped the pen & bolted backstage as the bleachers erupted in laugher. As he was running, I called, “Was it something I said?”
14 A giraffe headbutted me when on safari in Kenya. I was visiting my friend Kungeka with whom I went to Junior High & as a surprise, she had arranged a safari with a friend of hers - a KPSGA Silver level Safari Guide. The guy Jackson grew up by the Masai Mara National Game Reserve, where we went. We set out & it was unbelievably breathtaking; the pictures you see in National Geographic do no justice to the truly majestic beauty of the savannah. At one point, we saw a giraffe a bit off so we stopped to watch it. Surprisingly, it walked over to us. Granted, we had stopped by a tree. The giraffe grabbed some leaves from the tree & a few fell on top of the jeep, with one falling at the window where I was sitting. I went to grab it & the giraffe headbutted me. It wasn’t hard or anything but clearly, I wasn’t getting that leaf! The giraffe gave me the hairy eyeball & munched it in my face for good measure. I sat there, mouth open & then just started to laugh. The giraffe took a few more bites, giving me a firm scowl before wandering off. There were so many amazing memories…
15 My family & I were in the car for what felt like forever but it was 4 hours to a festival. I was already in a vile mood so I grabbed my stupid gluten free crackers & a dumb can of EZ cheese to lift my spirits. Yes it's a goofy , unhealthy snack but dammit, I was on the verge of tears. I gave the can a shake, turned it over & it EXPLODED ALL OVER ME since apparently it had expired in the mesozoic era, so now I stank like rotted fake cheese & I almost jumped out of the moving car but yai, seatbelts.
16 While living in Europe, I had the fortune of traveling to Spain with my 4 year old daughter & grandma. While there, we visited the Salvador Dali museum. As I was engaged in a staring contest with one of his works, I heard, loudly in Spanish, "I will have to kill her if you don't remove her." Oddly, without turning, I knew this statement was directed at me. With terror in my veins, I slowly turned to find a machine gun armed guard looking, say, put out at my kid's ability to scale a Dali sculpture with such rapid agility. Grandma was sitting on the bench directly below her & was clueless to the whole scene. I almost lost consciousness when he again gestured with his weapon toward my baby. I all but levitated to get her down & my stay at the museum was delightful & abruptly ended.
17 Alanis Morrissette was on tour in my town. I was so excited to see her. After the show, me & a few friends waited at the back stage door, hoping she would sign our CDs or take a few pictures but after waiting over an hour, her Hagrid-sized henchman told us to get lost because she was not going to come out. She was exhausted & just wanted to go & we were losers. (He didn't say that last part, but may as well have.) Bummed, we went to our car. As we did, she left & got into her bus & pulled off. She took off in the direction we were headed to go home. Now, at this time, it's the middle of the night & no one is around. After about 3 or 4 lights, the bus stops. The Beast gets out & comes over to the car, "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU FOLLOWING US SHE IS NOT GETTING OUT STOP BEING CREEPY STALKERS!" We told him we lived in that direction but he was not hearing our shit & made us drive around the bus. I still like her but I think she may need to either up her dose or quit entirely.
10 I don’t embarrass easily or often but I was pretty embarrassed when I was working on a Disney cruise ship. I was in “Disney’s Favorite Holiday Songs” musical review where we had 3 different costume changes in a half hour show. I ran backstage for my second costume change & couldn’t find the green leggings needed so I decided to keep on the beige ones; at least my legs would look bare. I zipped back on stage for the next dance number - it was no big deal because I was in the back anyway. This wench Katriana hissed at me I was wearing the wrong tights. I told her I knew but couldn’t find the right ones. Then, unbelievably, she SHOVES me & tells me to get on the right ones but I was on one foot at the time so I slipped & fell...and knocked over two dancers in front of me...who knocked over about five dancers in front of them, including Minnie Mouse. Thank GOD her head didn’t come off but we had to close the show (the whole thing is on a timer) & there was some real ass-kissing that happened for the audience. She played it off like I slipped & she was trying to catch me & no one believed she shoved me. Oddly, my contract wasn't renewed. She worked there two more years until she got scurvy. Ok, she didn’t, but she should have.
11 When I was about four, I had some poor friend over to spend the night. Well after my mother went to bed, I enticed my friend to go out into the neighborhood with me to chase the cute “black and white cats” I always saw running around. It didn’t take us long to find one. And corner it. And...ahem...piss it off. We got back to my house crying & reeking of an matchless funk. My mom bathed us in everything short of Clorox but it was a while before the stench came out. THAT kid never came back. I’m not good with sleepovers.
12 I speak four languages: Spanish, Italian, English & French. I learned a little bit of ASL when I thought my younger daughter might not speak on time but now it's “I love you,” “thank you,” “beautiful” & “more.” I took an intensive Italian class. I did okay. I really, really wanted to learn Italian & I figured knowing French & Spanish, Italian would be easy. WRONG. What is WRONG with you Italians!?!? Why, WHY are there EIGHT words for “THE” in Italian? What THE frick is up with that??? They use “the” EVERYWHERE!! Ex., in Italian, you would say, “Where is the my pen?” WHAAAAAT??? (Still, I’m not translating *quite* effectively, because English doesn’t have gender, so it’s more like “where is [girl version of] the my pen?”) ACK. Help, no. French & Spanish do not have eight “the”s & we don’t say “the my pen.” No. Just…no. So...I sort of speak the Italian.
13 On the set of “The Water Boy,” I made Adam Sandler run off in fear of being pounced by me. It was around 409° Celsius & we were sweltering in bleachers on the football field. It was so hot, we were sizzling. Adam came out to sign a few autographs. As he got closer, in my heat-induced delirium, I hit on him. “So, Adam, when are we goin’ out?” He glanced over at me, chuckled & replied, “Oh, well...I don’t get out much..” My inner Mae West kicked in & I responded, “Even better, baby, when do we get to stay in??” He literally dropped the pen & bolted backstage as the bleachers erupted in laugher. As he was running, I called, “Was it something I said?”
14 A giraffe headbutted me when on safari in Kenya. I was visiting my friend Kungeka with whom I went to Junior High & as a surprise, she had arranged a safari with a friend of hers - a KPSGA Silver level Safari Guide. The guy Jackson grew up by the Masai Mara National Game Reserve, where we went. We set out & it was unbelievably breathtaking; the pictures you see in National Geographic do no justice to the truly majestic beauty of the savannah. At one point, we saw a giraffe a bit off so we stopped to watch it. Surprisingly, it walked over to us. Granted, we had stopped by a tree. The giraffe grabbed some leaves from the tree & a few fell on top of the jeep, with one falling at the window where I was sitting. I went to grab it & the giraffe headbutted me. It wasn’t hard or anything but clearly, I wasn’t getting that leaf! The giraffe gave me the hairy eyeball & munched it in my face for good measure. I sat there, mouth open & then just started to laugh. The giraffe took a few more bites, giving me a firm scowl before wandering off. There were so many amazing memories…
15 My family & I were in the car for what felt like forever but it was 4 hours to a festival. I was already in a vile mood so I grabbed my stupid gluten free crackers & a dumb can of EZ cheese to lift my spirits. Yes it's a goofy , unhealthy snack but dammit, I was on the verge of tears. I gave the can a shake, turned it over & it EXPLODED ALL OVER ME since apparently it had expired in the mesozoic era, so now I stank like rotted fake cheese & I almost jumped out of the moving car but yai, seatbelts.
16 While living in Europe, I had the fortune of traveling to Spain with my 4 year old daughter & grandma. While there, we visited the Salvador Dali museum. As I was engaged in a staring contest with one of his works, I heard, loudly in Spanish, "I will have to kill her if you don't remove her." Oddly, without turning, I knew this statement was directed at me. With terror in my veins, I slowly turned to find a machine gun armed guard looking, say, put out at my kid's ability to scale a Dali sculpture with such rapid agility. Grandma was sitting on the bench directly below her & was clueless to the whole scene. I almost lost consciousness when he again gestured with his weapon toward my baby. I all but levitated to get her down & my stay at the museum was delightful & abruptly ended.
17 Alanis Morrissette was on tour in my town. I was so excited to see her. After the show, me & a few friends waited at the back stage door, hoping she would sign our CDs or take a few pictures but after waiting over an hour, her Hagrid-sized henchman told us to get lost because she was not going to come out. She was exhausted & just wanted to go & we were losers. (He didn't say that last part, but may as well have.) Bummed, we went to our car. As we did, she left & got into her bus & pulled off. She took off in the direction we were headed to go home. Now, at this time, it's the middle of the night & no one is around. After about 3 or 4 lights, the bus stops. The Beast gets out & comes over to the car, "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU FOLLOWING US SHE IS NOT GETTING OUT STOP BEING CREEPY STALKERS!" We told him we lived in that direction but he was not hearing our shit & made us drive around the bus. I still like her but I think she may need to either up her dose or quit entirely.
