Service By Shuttin' the Fuck Up

I'm learning lots of things. I'm noticing my ego in situations I never would have thought it would appear.

Last night, at a meeting, dude was sharing how he had 20 days clean from shootin' coke and that he was struggling with the obsession of the ritual and the rush.

I JUST went through that very recently. I was COMPLETELY obsessing about the whole process of slamming coke in my veins. I truly thought I would cave in. I'm surprised I made it through and am AMAZED that that obsession is GONE now.

So, since I had just experienced what this guy was going through, I figured I could reach out and offer what I could.

Sounds appropriate, right?

Wrong!

After the meeting, dude was surrounded by dude's that have LOTS of experience in recovery and LOADS of clean time. I waited for them to shoot the shit with the guy was struggling and then I stepped in. Do ya see it? I stepped in.

I told the dude that I could relate. That I remember obsessing about drawing the solution into the rig, watching the blood fill the barrel and pushing down the plunger. I told him that he should do WHATEVER it takes to get through it (read a book, watch TV, even jerkoff and fall asleep if necessary) Do ANYTHING but use, that the obsession will pass. He was looking at me like I was nuts.

What the fuck was I thinking? I was talking about the ritual of injecting to a dude who was obsessing of injecting.

I should have just told him that what he was going through was normal and walked away.

Even better, I shoulda just shut my fuckin' mouth. Who am I to satisfy my self-centered, egotistical image by trying so hard to the point of being counter-productive?

There will be times that I can help folks by sharing my experience. I need to learn HOW to share that experience before I open my fuckin' mouth again.

I'm a nobody trying to be somebody. This 'trying' cannot fuck with others.

I hope I learned and I hope I didn't add to this dude's obsessive thoughts.

 

Dude dont beat yourself up NA is helpful to many and you can take alot of good out of it but when you start trippin over lil shit like that it is counter productive. I can see in the way your talkin that the NA mentality is stickin in your brain alot and i aint sayin u got nothing wrong with u but for real, who cares. That dude aint gonna use or not use becuz of u but u did wat u could to help and it aint up to you to change the message that u have to share with somebody based on wat they want to hear. i feel u on wat ur saying but it aint like he wasnt also just talkin about how he was stressin over this shit, come on you need to be able to talk about your problems, seriously, i can see how it might be a little over the top if your like talking in mad detail about drawing up the coke,, finding a vein, registering, etc, gettin all intense and into it with your description of the process, OK that might be a little too much but if you cant even mention the thing you are talkin about it just gets to a point like WTF you supposed to do? We are all here in ameeting to discuss our drug problems and how to get better from them but then when its time to talk about the shit, we aint supposed to actually talk about the thing thats a problem and just tip toe around it in this vague way? Fuck that shit!

When Im in NA, If i want to talk about somethin that Im feeling, Ill say it, and if I want to say that I had a dream about shootin dope and describe how it felt and then say i miss the high, and the way it just hits you so hard and your head falls back when the rush comes and your whole body feels like heaven, IMA SAY IT! Fuck the other people if they cant handle it, I aint here to be their babysitter and beat around the bush. In the real world you cant control the shit around you, the shit on TV, the shit other people say, so if u expectin to get babied and treated like a little kid who people shouldnt swear around except in this case swearing is talkin about drugs in any way other than extremely vague, you gonna be in for a suprise when you get out there into real life again.

People shouldnt be such fuckin pussies actin like little babies and not able to handle the tough shit. Cuz guess wat, tough shit, you gonna have to put up with shit that you dont want to and if you used to everyone actin all careful around u, u aint gonna have the spine to be successful in the real world, so u might aswell stop with the goddamn delicate fragile in recovery act and get a set of balls. Not u , i mean the guy u was worrying about upsetting. seriously io hate NA sometimes and the way they pussify people in so many ways. if you wanna help someone just remember you had a good intention and was tryin to do somethin nice for them and dont be mad at urself if it came out wrong or u think they dont agree or worst of al, god forbid, some smug NA fuck meeting-leader dude gets on your case abotu it how "we try not to talk about things like that in our meetings becuz bla bla bla..."

Screw them just know you a good person and tryin your best, and that if it wasnt u, it was gonna be soemone/thing else sooner or later that busted the little bubble of the perfect protected little world this dude was tryin to live in. I could go on forever abotu this shit but i aint gonna make this comment even fuckn longer but i just wanted to give u my advice about it so u dont start hatin on urself over somethin that u didnt evne do wrong.

peace
lacey

 

Yeah, i do take things too seriously and I agree, their are some folks in NA that do act like pussies about talking about the past. Can you believe that most of the meetings in my area are 'non-profanity' meetings? How's a fresh in the door junkie going to express themselves? Shit, the point is delivered more effectively when accentuated with a few 'fuck's thrown in. I think many are like that cause meetings are held in churches but, I don't see anyone's particular god to be that much of a pussy that a coupla curses is gonna hurt his feelings.

Thanks, lacey. I DO dig the 12 Step thing but I also need to keep it realistic.

I guess its another sign of my ego when I think anything I say is gonna make the dude use. We do become vulnerable in the beginning cause its a COMPLETELY different world without drugs in our lives. Emotions and uncertainty and, yeah, I guess I'll say it, FEAR. Fuck I hate sayin' I'm scared of something but I am scared of gettin' into that life again. If I could control my usage I would be set but I never could do that.

I dunno, you ARE right. I just gotta fuckin' relax and just go with it

 

Easy buddy - let's not forget that we share to help ourselves, and if it helps someone else, that's great!

Remember after you get some time (I know you had a couple years at one point) that you go to meetings to hear the stories to remember how you don't want to be.

Don't beat yourself up - it's not like you tossed a bag and pin in his lap . . .

FC