I haven't seen your past posts.. and I don't know your history. However you are obviously under the care of a doctor to be on prescribed antipsychotics and other prescription meds. I think this is your first port of call. Ask your doctor about free counseling services in your area, or at the very least, phone a telephone counselor, like Lifeline or Samaritans and speak to them freely without fear of consequences, your call is anonymous unless you threaten to harm yourself or somebody else. ANY counselor you see has an obligation to respect your privacy by law.. and I suspect this may be what's behind your reluctance to seek professional help even more than financial considerations.
Depending on where you live - ie, innercity New York versus a smallminded redneck country town - you may have the rumourmill to blame, or just plain ignorance. Are you gay? That alone used to be sufficient for school teachers to lose their jobs due to public fear of the teacher being a sex offender. If not gay, have you had a girlfriend in recent times? I don't mean to insult you in any way, I'm just suggesting that depending on the dynamic of your situation you may well be persecuted due to fear and ignorance, and rumors you may not even be aware of in circulation. I wonder if there is anybody close to you that you could trust to be honest and frank if you asked their advice on this. Somebody who knows you, knows your work environment, your community, and may be able to shed some light on this for you. Perhaps even your doctor, if you feel you could talk to him or her.
I would also consider confronting the colleague you overheard talking about you. Explain that you heard what he said and ask him why he said it.. or if you think he would just deny it and make life difficult for you, perhaps speak to a third party - tell them what you overheard and ask their opinion and advice on what you should do, explaining that it upsets you, and that there isn't any truth in it.
I think it's entirely possible you're right. If you are NOT a paedophile, if you are NOT sexually attracted to minors, and if you have clearly heard other people on multiple occasions make reference to the allegations, you could well have a problem in your workplace as opposed to it being in your mind. That's not to say you aren't mentally ill, or haven't been.
Simply coming across as a bit 'strange' - be it start raving mad, or just a little eccentric - might be enough reason for people not to want you talking to their kids. But also I think our society has a lot to answer for in the way it's shaped our thinking. How many men would dash over to help a little girl who's fallen off a swing in a park, or is lost and crying. Many would be afraid to help and would leave it to a woman for obvious reason.
All of this said, it sounds as though you do need to steer well clear of ANY mind altering recreational drugs. They will only do you harm and your life will always be troubled by these sorts of situations. It's no way to live.
However, despite what mental illness issues you live with, it does seem as though you are currently in a better place than you have been in past. You are gainfully employed. You seem to acknowledge that mental illness is a strong factor in your life, and you don't seem to be protesting or denying - or even taking offense -at the suggestions of others that you seek professional help. Even your comment about not wanting to sue your employer and have him disadvantaged by what are your "inner demons" shows you have insight.
The thing about mental illness is that it can come and go, with flare-ups and periods of 'remission'. I'm presuming some of your past posts may have been written during times of extreme paranoia and in an acute state of mental illness. Without seeing you in person it would be impossible to know whether your current problem is as a result of illness, or whether you have a legitimate concern. Either way it needs to be addressed. I think it's brave of you to come forward with this, and I'm sorry that this is happening to you - whatever the cause.
Sorry so long winded! Good luck. x
