Septic and still shooting up.

[cyniclove]

Yep. I have sepsis. I'm going to be in the hospital for a good three weeks.
I have a PICC line.. and I'm injecting drugs through it, still.
How fucked up is that?
The nurse gives me my meds, I hide them in my cheek, and go shoot up through my PICC line.
Well...
They found out.
Now my medicine is crushed and put in pudding.
I'm really extremely scared.
I've been on the needle for years now.. and have a pretty hefty tolerance.
What worries me is the huge shift in bioavailability.. from IV to oral.
Currently taking 40 mg oxycodone prn every 4 hours.

Mods, I really don't know where else to put this.. "The Dark Side" really appealed to me because I'm in a very, very, very dark place right now.
Very apathetic, cannot stop crying, very moody, very scared, suicidal thoughts.. I basically just want to die. I'm embarrassed, I've let everyone I love down, I'm being treated like a junkie [I am a junkie. But also a human being. I'm being treated <human. I've never stole from anyone, have always been truthful especially with the medical staff. But that backfires apparently.]
I'm in a cage. With a pole connecting me to the IV antibiotics. Under a microscope. Even chaperoned cigarettes.
I'm so frustrated with everything.. I can't even believe myself. Shooting up in the hospital.. and in the hospital because I'm shooting up?
What a fucking junkie.
I'm really scared of being in pain. I have psoriatic arthritis, reactive arthritis, ankylosing spondylitis, Crohn's Disease, fibromyalgia.. [my immune system really sucks. attacking itself thinking it's foreign material. stupid body.. why do you fail me?]
Shooting up was like a godsend. Pain immediately hushed. <edited>
I obviously need help.

AND I'm missing out on Mardi Gras. I know that's probably the last thing I need to be worried about, but it's a time of the year I've always had a zest for. And 311 Day. And my boyfriend's birthday.

Right now my main concern is going from IV use for so many years to oral.
I guess I'll have to get used to it.
And I'm concerned for my life, but not enough obviously.
The rate I'm going, I'm going to kill myself. I know this. Why is it not enough to "scare me out of it"? I'd be dead without these antibiotics. Which I'm getting pumped full of. I mean they are really eradicating this shit.

Yeah I'm past "dark place". I'm in death's valley. I feel like I'm just a shell and all my insides got sucked out of me.

I just want to scream.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Try to focus on finding peace within without self administration of IV drugs.

I'm sure that sounds near impossible, but I was able to do this recently and I'm glad I did it.

 

[T. Calderone]

Hi Cyniclove, it's crazy how attached we get to our drugs and of course the roa itself. Yeah the bioavailability changes a bit but you know if you kept up with that, it would end up killing you. Does your boyfriend and family come to visit you? It's hard but try to find things to look forward to, even little things.

 

[herbavore]

Maybe look at everything you are going through as a kind of mourning. You are mourning the loss of something familiar that felt like a friend. But it wasn't a friend. Still, it is scary and painful to let go of. Just know that letting go of IVing means one less trap to live in. Don't worry about the judgment of others--some of it is real and you can't do anything about it and some of it is your own feelings projected onto others. It's hard not to be oversensitive to it when there is so much stigma but you really have to try to let that go. I think it was important to be honest with your medical providers and they are no doubt trying to help you wean off IVing so I don't think it back-fired at all.

Take care and heal.

 

[missmeyet?]

Honey they at this point are only trying to save you from doing more harm. Putting the meds in your mouth and then into your IV line could kill you! Your mouth has a tremendous amount of dangerous bacteria in it. There was someone on here recently whos friend died from exactly that. I know you dont see it know but it is a blessing in disguise that they found this out. I know you are scared and sad but things will get better...they really will.

 

[Foreigner]

It would be unethical and medically unsound of them to let you go into full withdrawal because it's a medical condition and not just in your head.

However, if they're providing you with enough opiate to avoid that, then there's not much else to be done about it for now.

 

[thedawn]

i actually went from shooting tar to smoking it.
my veins collapsed,everything went to shit and after a break,when returning to dope
i smoked it.this is 5 years ago.
it's a shock cuz u will miss the rush etc but it's your life,man….

wishing u all the best.

 

[WantToBeReborn]

Fucking good job they didn't remove the PICC line. You really don't want to be getting saliva into the line with existing sepsis going on, if you want to live.

 

[AcidRAEn]

A friend of mine died from bacteria in his mouth entering his blood stream..it shredded his heart, but he survived. They replaced two valves with mechanical parts and patched the other two with pig heart. He knew that if he used again he would die.. without a doubt. That knowledge wasn't enough..he relapsed and the infection came back. It traveled to his brain and he spent his last days blind..and then in a comatose state. He came out of it the day before he died and was able to say goodbye to his wife. He was 26.
Like you he was one of the "good" junkies.. never lied, stole, etc.
That was 3 years ago..and his friends, family and wife are still devastated.

You have loved ones..please don't put them through that. Above all, don't continue to do it to yourself.
I know the fear of withdrawals..but being two years clean I can tell you that once its over its so worth it. I won't lie and say its easy. Its hard work..but the alternative is just so much worse. You're lucky they caught this in time..next time you may not be so lucky. You know you're more than just a junky..now you can start to work on proving it to your loved ones.
I know how utterly frustrating it can be when you're in a dark place and everyone tells you to "look on the bright side" . I know it all seems like just so many words..but I'm going to say anyway that you should try to look at this as an opportunity to start over. Coming this close to death you're getting a second chance..and it seems that you have loved ones for a support system.
I truly hope things work out for you. I hate to see good people completely lose themselves.