self mutilation...an addiciton?(possibley triggering)

[Gerald92]

hello bluelight, i want to share something with you guys and get your opinions. i am 18 years old, and have been doing drugs for about 2 and a half years now. ive gone through short periods of opiate abuse, and ecstasy abuse. i quit opiates for good, and still occasionally roll i also have smoked a lot of weed (almost daily) and done a lot of LSD, although i dont consider those things "abusive". i feel like because of my drug usage i am extremely bad at coping with problems, which is bad because i have recently realized i have major depression issues.

you see, looking back, i realize that a lot of the time ive been using drugs as an escape, especially when i was 16/17. however, as i got older and more mature, i realized that drugs can not be used as an escape, and that not only does it work out poorly in the end, but the drug is often not powerful enough to override the emotional pain, causing a bad experience. basically, i came to the conclusion that drugs, especially ecstasy, should be used to make the good times amazing, not the bad times tolerable, if that makes sense.

so recently, i have been having very bad emotional issues. i fell completely head over heels for this girl, and gave her sooo much emotionally. ive always been depressed, and have gone through points of considering suicide, and this girl changed all of that. but... she completely led me on, and ended up fucking me over for her ex boyfriend. we also rolled together, which i think may have hurt things, but thats not relevant to this topic IMO. anyways, this girl has and still does cut herself. i guess you could say being hurt by somebody while being exposed to that led me to start cutting. now, i feel like cutting is my escape drug. whenever i feel my anxiety coming on, i cut myself. whats fucked up is the only person that knows about this, and the only person i feel comfortable telling is the girl that fucked me over. often well text each other while were both cutting. its not good. ive also been having thoughts of killing myself. i feel like cutting has led me to this, because i feel so pathetic hurting my own body that it makes everything even worse. but i feel like cutting is my only escape.

so what do you think bluelight? can self mutilation be a drug in itself? has anybody experienced problems with hurting themselves? feel free to share watever. thanks for reading, i appreciate it.

 

[panic in paradise]

of course...

and maybe more harmful in an instant, and much more apparent and disturbing to others, causing further shame and need for escape to an individual.


touchy stuff, but i hope we can handle this logically.


"especially ecstasy, should be used to make the good times amazing, not the bad times tolerable,"

yes, agreed, this is actually a key factor to determining if an individual has 'alcoholic' tendencies

 

[panic in paradise]

i took the liberty of altering the title of your thread

hope you dont mind.

 

[Gerald92]

no problem man. and panic i agree. i am so ashamed of cutting in ways i never have been with drugs. shit, i tell people all the time i used to have a problem with pills, im not ashamed at all. but i cant even tell my closest friends about the cutting, i just fucking cant.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi Gerald, I am a self-harmer as well so I know what you're going through

YES self-harm can be extremely addictive. I'm not sure if you're aware of this but in the brain there is a group of neurochemicals called endorphins which are released in the brain whenever we experience pain, or during intense sport/exercise, during sex, and other arousing activities. Endorphins act on opioid receptors in the brain and cause a "rush" of feelings of relaxation, pleasure, and/or stimulation etc. Due to this pathway in the brain we can actually get addicted to the "endorphin rush" itself, just as much as any other drug we put in to our body. This is why people who exercise regularly can get really antsy if they haven't been for a run or done a workout, because their brain is craving the endorphin release. Same with people who do extreme sports e.g. skydiving etc.

When we cut/burn/injure ourselves, we experience a release of endorphins which make us feel calm, relaxed, happier. You might not even realised that this is the effect it is having on you. But because it's such a relatively quick and easy way for your brain to feel some relief from the anxiety you experience, you subconsciously learn that cutting is the best way to "solve" your issues.

However, in reality, cutting and other forms of self-harm, while it might make you feel better while you're experiencing the endorphin rush, the scars that remain (for YEARS) and the guilt that you feel afterwards really aren't worth it. You will probably find that you just keep feeling worse and worse in the long run as the shame and the scars increase. My advice would be to seriously consider getting some professional help with your anxiety. There are many different forms of therapy used to treat anxiety which are extremely effective so it's worth a try.

Are you currently seeing a therapist for your drug-related problems?

We also have the Self-harm Support Thread (and the previous self-harm thread) here in The Dark Side for people like you and me. Feel free to check it out

 

[freedomchild]

It's very addictive. I know people that have started even late in life due to extreme emotional pain.

It releases chemicals in the brain. If you look at it like that -- then try to get others as a replacement and then soothe.

Find a good site or counselor for this.

Ideas: run hands in COLD water. snap a rubber band. Just say NO and DISTRACT yourself.

Give yourself hugs.

Say affirming things: I am ok. I am making it through this. I am loved. I am safe, etc.

 

[Gerald92]

no, im not seeing a therapist. although im 18, i still live with my parents, and am currently unemployed, and cant really discuss drug usage with them or anything like that. im reluctant to see a therapist at all, because i know ill have to discuss my drug usage, and i feel that authority figures often make drugs and mental health a black and white issue. i actually was in a drug counseling program at my school that was mandatory at first and then i went voluntarily, but again it was so black and white me and other people i know just quit going. but i dont know, im considering giving it a shot, because at this point its probably the best option.

 

[panic in paradise]

" but i cant even tell my closest friends about the cutting, i just fucking cant. "

do you think people may partly hide these thoughts or actions, only to maybe deep-down perpetuate feelings like "shame'' or "guilt", to justify the action?

personally:
i know ive done some fucked up shit in the past to allow myself an excuse to bash my brain away, with psychedelics cocaine and alcohol especially.

 

[n3ophy7e]

no, im not seeing a therapist. although im 18, i still live with my parents, and am currently unemployed, and cant really discuss drug usage with them or anything like that. im reluctant to see a therapist at all, because i know ill have to discuss my drug usage, and i feel that authority figures often make drugs and mental health a black and white issue. i actually was in a drug counseling program at my school that was mandatory at first and then i went voluntarily, but again it was so black and white me and other people i know just quit going. but i dont know, im considering giving it a shot, because at this point its probably the best option.

Well if it helps to reassure you, I've seen quite a few therapists in my time, and I've only ever told one of them about my drug use. In fact, the psychiatrist I saw never even asked me about drug use!

You really don't have to tell them anything you don't want to. If you're going to see a therapist about self-harm and anxiety, theoretically you wouldn't need to mention drugs at all.

So yeah, it might still be worth giving it a shot. It's up to you man

 

[Gerald92]

" but i cant even tell my closest friends about the cutting, i just fucking cant. "

do you think people may partly hide these thoughts or actions, only to maybe deep-down perpetuate feelings like "shame'' or "guilt", to justify the action?

personally:
i know ive done some fucked up shit in the past to allow myself an excuse to bash my brain away, with psychedelics cocaine and alcohol especially.

this is going to sound so fucking stupid, but i just know that if my friends know that i cut, theyll permanently view me differently. im usually the one that is able to keep it together. also, they wont be able to help me. all they could do is offer there support, which they do anyways because weve all talked about our depression and stuff. but the cutting part, that i cant get into. theres ONE friend that in the right situation i could maybe tell. i told him some very personal things that only one other person knows about me...of course i was rolling at the time ya. but this friend is under 18 and is in rehab for at least a few more months and may be forced to move away so ya.

 

[piebald]

Cutting is such a strange behavior...i used to cut ALOT when i was younger but i pretty much ran out of room on my body and (i thought) grew out of it, but in reality i think i just replaced it with drugs...so recently i stopped using and i cut myself a few weeks ago for the first time in like 8 years! Wow..i think i did use it like a drug just like you said!
Im not bothered by my scars but some people see them and look at me like Im a complete fucking nut. I also think people who have no understanding of self-mutilation think self-mutilation and suicide attempts are one in the same...I have never tried to kill myself by cutting, i just did it when i was upset to calm me down...but some people see the scars and associate them with a suicide attempt. For most people cutting seems very morbid, dysfunctional and even disgusting..I have to agree with you in that my trying to explain the behavior to people usually seems to backfire; most people just DONT understand it, but Im sure you can find 1 or 2 people that will listen and try to understand-if you feel out of control there is NO shame in getting professional help...you don't want to ruin your body with scars and a therapist will be able to give you some tools to help you work out your emotions in a healthy way....good luck

 

[Asclepius]

Gerald: I was addicted to cutting and totally agree with you, that it and other types of self-harm, seem to go hand in hand.

People dont understand alot of the time. The Impulsive, self-harmer doesnt understand alot of the time either IMO apart from the subjective feelings that go along with the act or planning etc...In my own case it had, at times, gotten out of control and what was once a private behaviour started being acted out more dramatically(usually but not always under the influence of something)in public; which led back into a cycle of shame, frustration and depression however ironically things coming to light allowed me to seek proffessional help.

Understanding yourself and how your feeling will help with reducing it, it is a very alienating behaviour...and you are certainly not on your own in this.
I had experienced a very difficult break up in my late teens and that amongst other pressures led me to a very dramatic period of cutting, burning and other miscellanious acts of physical self-harm- so it is really important for you to start developing some awareness of what is really going on for you in your life. The fact that you are aware of how much damage you are doing physically and emotionally is now a springboard to exploring the symptoms of the grief/trauma you are experiencing internally; this is not something to be ignored hun or dismissed anymore, you are going through alot.
Heres a link that you might be able to identify with: Secret Shame (*the link at the bottom of the home page-'Why do people self injure?' is especially helpful IMO)
...throwing as much light on the technicalities of it may help empower you and validate your feelings somewhat.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Cutting is the only addiction I broke for good. I did it for about 5 years, then quit. After that I started drawing my blood and writing with it, although that brought less pleasure. I guess I got sick of having both my arms scarred up and down and thought I'd better quit. Still surprised that I managed to do it though. Its definintely a release of some sort....I still get excited when I accidently cut myself. For me its about seeing blood. It can be addictive.

 

[Albion]

no, im not seeing a therapist. although im 18, i still live with my parents, and am currently unemployed, and cant really discuss drug usage with them or anything like that. im reluctant to see a therapist at all, because i know ill have to discuss my drug usage, and i feel that authority figures often make drugs and mental health a black and white issue. i actually was in a drug counseling program at my school that was mandatory at first and then i went voluntarily, but again it was so black and white me and other people i know just quit going. but i dont know, im considering giving it a shot, because at this point its probably the best option.

Therapists and counsellors are trained to put human judgement to one side and talk things with you rationally and logically. I recently went to see a counsellor to get some help with my lack of self control with drugs. I didn't have high hopes at all, but the experience turned out to be extremely valuable. I can understand the trepidation of going to see a total stranger and admitting something to them as personal as drug abuse and self harm, but that is where the beauty of therapy lies. The bond you form with the therapist is professional and void of emotion, allowing them to quite easily get to the heart of the matter and identify your problems.

A cold, clinical approach, led by a counsellor, is often the most effective way to combat very emotional issues.

 

[Legerity]

I'll throw in my input but I admittedly do not have experience with cutting. My self-harm comes from my mind which can convince me I'm insignificant and create more pain than anybody else could possibly inflict on me. So please take my opinion with that in mind.

I tend to view addiction in a broad sense, in that any behaviour, thought pattern, or emotion, can be used and experienced in an addictive manner. So in my view, cutting to cope with pain is the same principle as using drugs to cope with pain.

You seem to have a lot of insight into your use and the fact that it has not been a lasting solution for making you feel better. Distraction without growth is not usually a recipe for desirable results. A distraction or temporary relief, perhaps. But when used purely for escape the experience takes on a different nature and I believe that suppressed emotions can build up over time. Perhaps you can apply this same insight to your cutting behavior by looking honestly at whether it is something that is actually providing what you are hoping it to.

I can understand why you feel ashamed. You don't owe it to "confess" to your friends what it is you are going through. But it may be in your best interest to find somebody to open up to. Friends and therapy have been helpful outlets for me. So has writing about how I feel and what is going on in my mind. Opening up can be a part of the acceptance process which can then make change come about with much less resistance, often on its own in my experience.

I would also try to maintain the view that there is a reason for the cutting. Rather than being the source of all your problems it is most likely adding more (i.e. guilt, pain, etc.) on top of the original emotions that you claim to be trying to avoid. If you feel that your pain is too great at this moment and that the cutting is somehow providing relief which outweighs the problems it causes, then perhaps you will be unwilling to stop engaging in this behaviour. If you feel that it is causing larger problems than it is supposedly solving, then change may seem like the obvious choice. No matter what the situation is, there is always a way to act that does not cause harm. It may be easier said than done, but it is possible.

All the best, love yourself. All experiences are opportunities to learn from

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Very wise and well-put words Leg, thank you