Vastness
Bluelight Crew
I really, really want to stop using cocaine but I seem to be struggling with this. I feel a need to get these thoughts off my chest and hopefully this is a good place to do so.
To clarify - I don't use cocaine to the kind of extremes that I know some people do. Even when I was using it the most it was probably never more than twice a month (always with alcohol), but the negative impact on my mental and possible physical well-being has increased to the point that I just can't ignore it anymore.
So last night I had 7 pints with a friend (UK pints, ~5%, ~200ml of actual alcohol over about 4 or 5 hours), then split a gram over the next 4 or 5 hours (combined with 2 more drinks, ~50ml more alcohol). I went into the night thinking right there's no way I'm gonna get any cocaine tonight, but several drinks later and somehow that's just the way it went.
The amounts we used might not be considered excessive to many, we split a gram, and it was some untested street shit so probably was like ~50% purity and probably not even a gram, maybe like 0.7, as is the norm with most shady street dealers. Maybe cut with caffeine, amphetamine or fuck knows what. I try to have a policy NEVER to use street drugs, which works pretty well with most drugs except this one. So anyway, probably I imbibed like ~200mg of ACTUAL cocaine, up to ~400mg if my purity weight/estimates are off because really when you're drunk who knows, plus whatever active or inactive shit it was cut with...
So I guess not a huge amount, relatively speaking - but the point is that I don't want to use cocaine, EVER, AT ALL... or not for at least ONE YEAR (I'm not generally a fan of absolute, lifelong commitments because who knows where my life will go but I think a year at a time is a good starting point). For a start I'm spending today just lying in bed eating pizza instead of actually working on some shit which I do need to get done, I've taken 40mg of Valium just to take the edge off and am feeling more physically relaxed but there is a deeper psychological edge which remains. I used to use Phenibut for this edge and I think it was far more effective but I'm taking a hiatus from Phenibut because it's another substance with which I feel I was just beginning to dance around the precipice of overuse and potential dependence.
But besides that I feel like I have pretty good control with most other substances - I want drugs to remain a part of my life, I think many of them have inherent value, and I have just started to try to get more involved in actual activism to raise awareness of the critical importance of changing global attitudes towards (currently illegal) psychoactive substances. However I think as long as I am unable to stick to my commitments to myself not to use such a purely hedonistic, objectively toxic and damaging substance as cocaine is, my passion about this topic is perhaps little more than self denial, a hedonistic polydrug addiction dressed up in intellectual rationalisations.
Obviously alcohol also is a damaging and toxic substance with little inherent value but I don't feel at the moment like I have a strong enough personality to not drink in certain social settings... I would like to quit this drug eventually too, but, one issue at a time...
I guess the path forward is pretty clear on the whole, and I said as much to my friend yesterday when I left that for me this has to be the last time and I am just not going to hang out with him for a while in situations where cocaine might be involved. Perhaps I should also look for some new friends, throw myself into exercise, positive hobbies, and not beat myself up too much about this minor "relapse" (my last usage before this was maybe the end of June), and as I say, just keep moving forward... but thanks in advance to anyone who took the time to read this and I guess I'm just hoping for some input or to hear from someone in a similar position.
I was hesitant to post this because I feel generally that my problems with my cocaine use are in some ways not ENOUGH of a problem to even qualify as a problem... but, it definitely feels like a problem to me.
To clarify - I don't use cocaine to the kind of extremes that I know some people do. Even when I was using it the most it was probably never more than twice a month (always with alcohol), but the negative impact on my mental and possible physical well-being has increased to the point that I just can't ignore it anymore.
So last night I had 7 pints with a friend (UK pints, ~5%, ~200ml of actual alcohol over about 4 or 5 hours), then split a gram over the next 4 or 5 hours (combined with 2 more drinks, ~50ml more alcohol). I went into the night thinking right there's no way I'm gonna get any cocaine tonight, but several drinks later and somehow that's just the way it went.
The amounts we used might not be considered excessive to many, we split a gram, and it was some untested street shit so probably was like ~50% purity and probably not even a gram, maybe like 0.7, as is the norm with most shady street dealers. Maybe cut with caffeine, amphetamine or fuck knows what. I try to have a policy NEVER to use street drugs, which works pretty well with most drugs except this one. So anyway, probably I imbibed like ~200mg of ACTUAL cocaine, up to ~400mg if my purity weight/estimates are off because really when you're drunk who knows, plus whatever active or inactive shit it was cut with...
So I guess not a huge amount, relatively speaking - but the point is that I don't want to use cocaine, EVER, AT ALL... or not for at least ONE YEAR (I'm not generally a fan of absolute, lifelong commitments because who knows where my life will go but I think a year at a time is a good starting point). For a start I'm spending today just lying in bed eating pizza instead of actually working on some shit which I do need to get done, I've taken 40mg of Valium just to take the edge off and am feeling more physically relaxed but there is a deeper psychological edge which remains. I used to use Phenibut for this edge and I think it was far more effective but I'm taking a hiatus from Phenibut because it's another substance with which I feel I was just beginning to dance around the precipice of overuse and potential dependence.
But besides that I feel like I have pretty good control with most other substances - I want drugs to remain a part of my life, I think many of them have inherent value, and I have just started to try to get more involved in actual activism to raise awareness of the critical importance of changing global attitudes towards (currently illegal) psychoactive substances. However I think as long as I am unable to stick to my commitments to myself not to use such a purely hedonistic, objectively toxic and damaging substance as cocaine is, my passion about this topic is perhaps little more than self denial, a hedonistic polydrug addiction dressed up in intellectual rationalisations.
Obviously alcohol also is a damaging and toxic substance with little inherent value but I don't feel at the moment like I have a strong enough personality to not drink in certain social settings... I would like to quit this drug eventually too, but, one issue at a time...
I guess the path forward is pretty clear on the whole, and I said as much to my friend yesterday when I left that for me this has to be the last time and I am just not going to hang out with him for a while in situations where cocaine might be involved. Perhaps I should also look for some new friends, throw myself into exercise, positive hobbies, and not beat myself up too much about this minor "relapse" (my last usage before this was maybe the end of June), and as I say, just keep moving forward... but thanks in advance to anyone who took the time to read this and I guess I'm just hoping for some input or to hear from someone in a similar position.
I was hesitant to post this because I feel generally that my problems with my cocaine use are in some ways not ENOUGH of a problem to even qualify as a problem... but, it definitely feels like a problem to me.
