Mental Health seeking help for severe depression/possible PTSD

[Mafioso]

So i've been having trouble quitting smoking weed for a few years now... it's not that I don't have the will power to physically stop smoking, it's that every time I quit a get terribly depressed and based on the reaction of others, somewhat irrational and definitely emotionally unstable.

I've wondered to myself if I might have PTSD based on things that happened in my childhood(physical and emotional abuse) because there are certain emotional triggers that feels like a literal switch is being turned on inside of me, I experience uncontrollable rage mixed with or followed by overwhelming sadness. I also have very early memories of wanting to kill myself. The triggers are my parents basically. Any thing from someone talking about them/something they said to just being around them- even if they are being nice and not doing anything wrong. I try to be nice and even though I am a young man, when I'm around them no matter how hard I try I shrivel up inside, lose all confidence, feel unsafe at expressing any real opinion unless it is a compliment.

I don't really know what to do, I though things would get better but it seems to become more and more intrusive in my daily life. I am able to "control" myself if I can smoke a joint, and it is usually only at night and in the mornings when things feel unbearable. I don't really have any friends that I would feel safe turning to and wouldn't want to burden anyone, but I do feel like I might need some advice or help in dealing with this.

If anyone can relate and has been able to manage or improve similar problems, your advice is much appreciated.

 

[herbavore]

Were your parents critical of you as a child? Feeling unaccepted by those who are in a role of being your supporters and defenders can be a terrible thing to heal from but it is possible. I would really encourage you to quit smoking for a while even though that seems to help. Finding other ways like meditation or mindfulness techniques that can change the way you relate to painful emotions will free you much more than anything that simply relieves the pain by numbing or masking it.

Try not to worry about burdening friends. Sometimes when we open up we open the door for someone else to open more deeply to us. Isolation in our thoughts and feelings is a trap.

Is there any way that you could get some counseling? Even a school counselor in high school or university can be a step in the right direction. Don't let anyone simply slap an antidepressant on you though until you have explored all other avenues.

Many people I know have not been able to heal significantly from their past/childhoods/family abuse until they allowed some space away from the triggers (in your case, your parents). How old are you? Is this a possibility for you?

I'm glad that you decided to reach out and make a thread. I know lots of people here can relate to your situation.

 

[aq.]

I can relate.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, bipolar, generalized anxiety, and OCD by a psychiatrist. She has put me on medication help control it, which has been helping. For my PTSD, I am on Prazosin. It takes away my nightmares. In fact, I don't even remember my dreams at all. For bipolar, I am on Lamictal and Wellbutrin, for my anxiety and OCD I am on Klonopin and Ativan. Of course it's not good to mask issues with medications, but for now it helps. It's been helping me.

As a child I was raped, and on Halloween night of this year I was drugged and raped. Other unfavorable things have happened to me this year, but I won't bore you with that. I'm dealing with it the best I can. It is not easy -- anyone who says it will "just get better" and has never experienced what we have (PTSD) then they'll have a hard time fully understanding. If you ever need to talk in more detail, feel free to PM me.

 

[Mafioso]

thanks for the replies and kind words, they really mean a lot to me right now.

aq, I'm so sorry to hear about those terrible things that have happened to you. I hope in time you can learn how to better deal with and relate to those incidents, as I hope the same for myself. You don't bore me with your stories, I think you are extremely brave for even being able to mention them. I realize now it isn't a matter of strength or weakness in dealing with things of the such, for we can't always control how things happen, but humility and courage to accept the way that things are and truly move on.

I smoked only 1/10th of what I normally smoke today, and granted it is still a lot for most who don't smoke, there were a lot of emotions I had to face and deal with and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard as hell. I lost my cool more than once and almost got into a fight. I feel this constant tension in my chest and I am ready to explode at a moments notice. I don't want to sound like a cop out but I am honestly afraid of what I might do if I completely quit. I don't feel in control at all.

herbavore, I am 25, fully capable of moving out and taking care of myself but as of right now it is going to take a few months with the mess I've made for myself. I realize I want to quit smoking as you advise and that much of my enjoyment comes from the escape it brings rather than the just the drug itself. I don't want to escape anymore though, I want to deal with this. I'd be opening to counseling but unless I stumble upon something I'll probably have to go out of pocket.. so it will be after I get financially stable again- so a few months minimum and I doubt I'll be as open to the idea then as I am now. It is what it is though.. I know in all likelihood I'll just get prescribed anti-psychs, anti-depressants, anxiety meds, and yadada. I'd sooner continue smoking weed every day though if given the choice. you're right though, I know space and time will help heal. My mom was always accepting but nothing was ever good enough for my dad, and even to this day mostly all I hear from him are criticisms and complaints. I find myself wanting to blame my mom for just watching things that happened as a child, looking back now. It hurts me so much to be angry at my mom because she has always cared for me without question. I find myself thinking and rethinking about the past so much I don't know what is true and what is imagined at times lately.

sometimes I wonder if I'm just not an asshole with anger problems. I guess I can have my cake and eat it too in this situation.... ha...