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Seeking help coping with post-withdrawal depression

shady4091

shady4091

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 21, 2010
Messages
743
Location
Alberta, Canada
As I lay here in bed for the fifth straight day, I feel the need to write to maintain my sanity, these last few days having drained what little I had to begin with. I feel completely broken, both mentally and physically. Although the crippling pain is beginning to subside, I feel completely devoid of the will power required to stave off this demon. This addiction is not as black and white as I once thought and those old words hold all too true. "Getting clean is easy, staying clean is the hard part". I never realized exactly how much those treturous opiates actually encompassed my lifestyle. Absolutely everything reminds me of them and I'm not able to do anything I used to enjoy. I can't play guitar because I used to get high and play guitar. I can't listen to music because I used to get high and listen to music. I can't read and I'm barely able to write this and maintain my anxiety.

What is to become of me when the boredom becomes overpowering? Idle hands are the devils play thing. What will happen if I succumb to the demon who promises to ease my pain? I know exactly what will happen. I'll destroy everything I've worked so hard to accomplish and the guilt will tear me apart. Back to square nothing, doomed to suffer the nightmare over and over again. So why do I do it? There's no simple answer to that question. I could say it's because I love the high, but is that enough to justify it? I firmly believe it goes much deeper than that. The drugs made me happier, more confident, more patient, and more creative than I've ever been before. Now my feet have been kicked out from under me and I must learn to walk again.

I should feel proud of myself for making it farther than I ever thought possible, but I just don't. Though the toxins may be flushed from my body, what will flush them from my mind? As long as I still feel powerless, useless and sad, I haven't really accomplished anything. So is this and early confession to a definite relapse, or a hopeful sign of peace for the future? I guess only time will tell.

- Sept 19/2010

So a little more information on me. I've just come off an approximately one year long poppy seed tea addiction. I was using near 2kg of bulk poppy seeds either every day or; more recently before I kicked, every other day. I'm only 5 days clean now and today is my first physically painless day, but as you may tell from my journal entry, the psychological pain feels just as crippling. I simply do not know what to do with myself. I'm sure this is a very common feeling among recovering addicts, I'm simply seeking comments from those who can relate and possible things they may have done to combat the depression. Thanks in advance!
 
Honey this is the price we pay. The PAWS are the last battle you will face and then you are free! Think about it!!!! You will be free! No more chains, no more facing a need that will never be truly fullfilled. Don't let this depression get the best of you. Take it for what it is, that it is just a side effect of your progress. Your brain trying to trick you into going back, but if you are strong, it will adapt and then BAM! You will feel normal again. It happened for me, but of course I didn't remember the hell of WDs and went back like a dummie. Don't give up, keep fighting until you see the light. I promise you, in a few weeks, you will feel better, just cry, roll with it, feel sorry for yourself, do whatever you have to do to live each day without using again. And before you know it, your old self will pop back up and say "what up!"!!;)
 
smoke a lot of weed and get some valium or xanax....for me the hardest part was after the acute withdrawl where i thought i felt better until i would go to bed and then lay there freaking out with anxiety until morning....insomnia drove me crazy until i was a month clean and i think thats the hardest part so again weed and benzos
 
When my brain starts to mind fuck me from wd's I do some type of exercise till I drop. Seems to help. Dont think about anything except for the challenge I am putting my body through. It has helped with sleep too. And yes weed and benzos too. And suprisingly I have found that nyquill works very well for sleep.
 
Hey shaddy I FEEL YOUR PAIN 1000%

You stopped a 1 year habit of opium and I stopped an 18 month habit of opium (pods). The acute wds as bad as they are - are in a way a joke compared to PAWS.
The thing with paws is how long it lasts. Sure you're not physically sick but you still have symptoms that seem to never go away. For me it was hot flashes and goosebumps. Then add that on top of crippling anxiety/fatigue/depression. But I also have extremely high blood pressure which exacerbates it.

Anyway those PAWS pods cause are a mfkr (seeds too its all the same). I can't honestly tell you what to do. I made it 23 days clean then relapsed back on pods. I've been using again over a week. But I am tapering myself back down so I'll be ready to jump in another 2-3 weeks. I simply can't make it w/out meds.
What I'm doing is going back on Lexapro (it worked 100% for paws lasttime) and will also be taking neurontin. I'm doing it for 4 months each then doing a 2 month taper off both of them. Neither have wds close to as pad as paws (lex is a joke to get off of) and I also don't wanna go back to using like I use too.

I'm mad I relapsed but I also feel I didn't have any choice. Already I'm noticing shit that I HATE about pods, like insomnia, sleeping all day and always being apathetic, but more reason to get back on the train. If you can't deal with the PAWs I suggest trying Lex out, it really worked wonders for me. I'm just not looking forward to another round of physical wds but I'd still rather do it again then stay on this crap. Good luck and please keep us updated!
 
Bojangles69 said:
Anyway those PAWS pods cause are a mfkr (seeds too its all the same). I can't honestly tell you what to do. I made it 23 days clean then relapsed back on pods. I've been using again over a week. But I am tapering myself back down so I'll be ready to jump in another 2-3 weeks. I simply can't make it w/out meds.
What I'm doing is going back on Lexapro (it worked 100% for paws lasttime) and will also be taking neurontin. I'm doing it for 4 months each then doing a 2 month taper off both of them. Neither have wds close to as pad as paws (lex is a joke to get off of) and I also don't wanna go back to using like I use too.

I'm mad I relapsed but I also feel I didn't have any choice. Already I'm noticing shit that I HATE about pods, like insomnia, sleeping all day and always being apathetic, but more reason to get back on the train. If you can't deal with the PAWs I suggest trying Lex out, it really worked wonders for me. I'm just not looking forward to another round of physical wds but I'd still rather do it again then stay on this crap. Good luck and please keep us updated!
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Bo I assume you quit doing the subs then? Why didn't you just go on that lexapro rather than back on pods? I still don't get why you went on subs after being clean from pods for a while. What will you change this time?
 
Welcome to the DS, shady. 8)

I kicked pods with vitamins/aminoes, welbutrin, & pregablin..... the pregabalin helped the most, even if all it did was just stop the RLS. it works a helluva lot better than that.

I still chuckle at the thought of being a pod-person.

the gross part about dropping the pod, is that it isn't just one opiate you're habituated to.
 
Thanks a bunch for all your replies. It makes me feel slightly more at ease knowing that this is a common after-effect and I'm not just going insane. So far I feel a little more confident and like myself everyday, but I know I have a long way to go. Thank goodness for my girlfriend who is basically the only reason I've made it as far as I have. Before I started withdrawing, I gave her my wallet, my bus pass and told her to periodically, at random times phone the apartment while she was at work and make sure I'm still around. These were all terrific ideas and she held her ground when I was in full blown agony almost begging for my stuff back.

One of the aspects of the tea I miss the most was simply going to bed. My sleep at night seemed less like sleep and more like a series of blissful nods and lucid dreams which would last until about 6 or 7 AM. Then I'd finally pass out and sleep till 2 or 3 PM. I definitely do not miss the day after grogginess and irritability though, which would almost always lead me to use again the next day.

Now bed time feels like my worst enemy. It's not so much a problem falling asleep, as I do smoke a joint and take melatonin beforehand. The problem is waking up 2 or 3 times every single night, completely unable to fall back asleep. This is extremely strange for me. Even before I started using opiates, I never had a problem falling back asleep, even if it was light out. Now I absolutely CAN NOT sleep later than 8AM which makes for extremely long days. I've tried diphenhydramine during past failed kick attempts but I found it increased the restlessness ten-fold. That was a terrible terrible night and I'll never try that again haha. Also, I have no source for benzos unfortunately.

Thanks again for your replies, and I apologize for my long ones, I just like to write haha. I imagine I will be spending a lot of time on here for the next while just killing time. I also picked up a 1000 piece puzzle today I may start working on it ;)

(PS. Forgive my ignorance but what does PAWS stand for? I' pretty sure I know the general meaning of it, taking it in context with what you've all said, but I'm just wondering what the actual acronym stands for?)
 
I had big time troubles with depression after withdrawaling from Benzo's. Only time could heal that wound for me. Now I'm back on them, but at lower doses, and not using them to reach euphoria anymore. Just take enough to chill out.

Although there are times when I just feel like I'm going out of my mind with sadness, anxiety, and depression, and the only thing that helps is to take a handful of pills.
 
That's very close to what I was thinking. I was thinking Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms, or Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. All the same idea though :)
 
Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome is correct.Our brain chemistry is totally out of whack from putting all the opiates in it.It takes quite a while for it to get back to normal.The one thing that helps me is reading.It takes my mind off of the crazy nonsense and distracts me.

I remember the first time I kicked.I was in rehab and they wouldn't give me anything to sleep except warm milk.The first two weeks I didn't sleep at all.Then the three weeks after that I slept between one hour and if I was lucky an hour and a half.I started hallucinating,couldn't remember anything,it was hell.I wanted so badly to sleep and have a little escape.

Five days is a long time for a junky.You should be giving yourself credit and be proud of all that work.And it is work.It is bewildering,mood swings,agitation.I could compare it to an over weight person having no food.

The PAWS are the reason most of us can't maintain being clean.The only advise I will give you is to be gentle with yourself.Addiction,to me,is like having a traitor living in your mind.Try and accept that your brain has to adjust to being without the opiates and give it time so it can start manufacturing it's own.

I have been trying (and failing) to be clean for decades.The one major thing I have learned is that relapse once does not mean defeat.For me,I have learned to forgive myself,treat this as an disease and instead of sliding back into using daily,to get back on my feet and try again.

Some people realize they have a problem and stop right away.Then there are people like me,that slip here and there but keep trying.I am not,by any means,clean and sober now,but I am not the down and out starving junky that I was.

I don't go to NA/AA meetings anymore.I judge myself on my own standards.Compared to the hell I lived ten years ago,I am much better.I do believe in that saying "Progress not perfection".

If someone you loved was going through this,you would be encouraging,not mentally beating them up.Please try and give yourself the same courtesy.When we get clean,most of us beat ourselves up for the wrong things we did.
 
What would make anyone think they can do opiates and not deal with the pain of PAWS?? Its a lesson learned in life. Neurontin helps alot. Subutex helps ALOT more but then you have to withdrawl from that if you dont titrate perfectly.
 
I guess I didn't see it coming as this is the only addiction I've ever had and this is the first time I've made it past the acute withdrawal. I always thought to myself. "I'm only doing this shit because I have to, soon as the withdrawal is gone I'm gonna be one happy camper" Definitely not true but hey, live and learn.
 
shady4091 said:
I guess I didn't see it coming as this is the only addiction I've ever had and this is the first time I've made it past the acute withdrawal. I always thought to myself. "I'm only doing this shit because I have to, soon as the withdrawal is gone I'm gonna be one happy camper" Definitely not true but hey, live and learn.
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I thought the same thing and my doc led me to believe that tapering oxys would be easy. Just take the shit as directed and then its over. Not that easy.
 
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