• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

TDS See no point off life anymore, i just wanna dissapear

N

NOTforget

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 6, 2017
Messages
15
So its been over a year i have been out off rehab for suicidal thoughts wich was my second time back then it was my own choice .

Right now the last thing i wanna do is go back. because i know it will go good for a while but before you know im back here again.and i tried doctors and psychiatrists but all they do is prescribe some pills which never helps anything.

After rehab everything went pretty well (working out,going out with friends visiting family and so on)
I even went back to study because i wanted to make something out off my life but that failed and after a while i dropped out, had to sell my car because off debts.
Since i had no car anymore i started isolating myself, i don't like being with my so called friends anymore, doing drugs again does not matter what as long as it put my state off mind elsewhere. i hate being with my family it feels like there testing me, even tough they help me when needed, it feel like there laughing at my face. I don't let them notice it but deep down it hurts and it keeps haunting me and confronting them does not matter because i am the crazy one 8(.

Recently i went looking for a job but after some rejects that just pushed me deeper down, and now all motivation i had is gone.

I even have to push myself to go to the store to get food .
all i wanna do is run away from it all and start clean or end it all

The first thing running away from it all sounds good , a fresh start, no history someone knows about,finally some adventure. but then i leave my family with my trouble and probably the problems catch up with me eventually and its not like i can start over and undo the bad decisions that got me where i am now.

Instead off constantly being in a rush or asleep maybe its just best to draw my conclusion and give up on it as i see no way out.
i really dont wanna do anything anymore. i hate my house, i hate the city i live in, i hate my "friends" and most off all i hate my life

I feel like im counting down till i finally fall asleep and never wake up again.

Its like my soul was destroyed years ago and just a little part off me is left which is the self destructive anti social part.

I could make this so much longer and i could say so much more about it but i think i said the most important part.
 
Recovery comes with a lot of ups and downs. Some days are better than others, but most days are a struggle.

Hanging around with toxic people is almost as bad, if not worse, than isolating yourself. For me, either one is going to lead back to drug use. I'm not a huge fan of meetings either, but going to give them another shot this week.

Emotions are temporary.. it doesn't seem like it the moment when all the hopeless thoughts come flooding in. I can relate to the feeling of falling into a bottomless pit, wondering when it will stop, being surprised by how things keep getting darker and darker.

Behavioral relapses happen before the physical relapse. By the time you(or me) start using drugs again, chances are we have already digressed mentally and habitually. Hope starts to fade and you return to the old ways of coping that you know work- or at least to some degree. It's really hard to feel bad when you are on drugs that make you feel good.

The key to success isn't avoiding failure, it's never giving up in the face of it. Try to track where things started to go downhill. Learn from your mistakes and use them to grow stronger. Was there anything that stands out as the sort of "beginning" of this relapse?
 
Its just my whole life when i look back at it i always wanna escape or run from reality.
Whatever i do i cant motivate myself to do anything, if i do it never lasts long.

The worst thing off all is i feel like its only getting worse the longer im around.
i wont go back to rehab because in the end its still the same life still the same problems and nothing has changed.
It started so many years ago and still i am struggling its like you say its a bottomless pit..
 
hi NOTforget,
did you just enter my mind and wrote this?
i feel the same.

i try to tell myself that everything passes and that shall pass too.
sometimes i even believe that but like you - not right now. i guess you cant right now and that makes two of us mate..
i wish i had words to tell you but i have none except that i empathize with you a great deal.
hope things will look better or at least tolerable.

best regards,
jona
 
and i swear to god,

if any flat earthers turn up. im deleating this account
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top