screwed up views on sex, questions, and other things wrong with me

[_mistresspoppy_]

After getting out of a toxic relationship involving blackmail (some of my BL friends may remember THAT drama), I was with 12 guys and 2 girls in six months. I'm at the point that I'm so casual about sex, that without making any explicit remarks or even any conscious suggestive gestures/comments, guys automatically mark me as a girl thats down to f--k. And generally, I will, beacause it's easier to grab a condom and go for a ride than reject them. (I do NOT start a conversation with a guy I'm not attracted to, and if someone I wouldn't have sex with attempts to flirt with me, I brush them off immediately, even if they might be a nice guy.)
I didn't see a problem, as I usually had some intention of dating the guy, would text him for a week or so before sex, but then something always came up, and we slept together once or twice then stopped talking. Then I met a dude at a mexican restaurant. fight promoter, total airhead, asked me about my book and didnt even read. 30 mins later, sex in my car. As soon as he left, I had an anxiety attack, lost it, felt raped. But it was completely consensual. It simply never occurred to me to say NO. I shied away from sex for awhile ( a week) then was back with a FWB who basically treated me like crap, who I've since stopped seeing.
currently, I see sex as something completely separate from emotion. Some is good, some is bad, but it's empty and casual. I don't mind it, and I'm just starting to get my desire back for real (Actually had an inclination to masturbate for the first time in months).
And my latest boy toy also happens to be my dealer, who I really want to maintain at least a business relationship with. First time he came over, the tour of my house got no farther than the bedroom, the home baked carrot cake he came over for untouched. The sex was amazing, and I actually felt something, i didn't feel crappy or hollow or "raped" after. he called me baby and said all the right things. but now he never calls. The repeating pattern- meet, talk, text, text, text, sex.... nothing for a week, then sex again.
I'm having problem with anxiety in the past few weeks, and I really don't have the energy to devote a "relationship" anyway, so why should it bother me that he doesnt call? And why would the encounter with him be any different from the 11 other guys? He's pretty typical of the guys I attract- did time in jail, sells, poor living arrangements (we banged on his couch with his two lesbian roomates across the hall). Feel free to criticize, psychoanlyze, etc...
And a random question, I'll stick here to add food for a more lighthearted discussion, if you dont feel like playing psychologist...
WHY do guys insist on the woman being on top???
Several have told me the only way they can come is if the girl is on top. Unfortunately for me, I get off on being dominated (strange with the "raped" feeling I have sometimes, but the aggression/ violence of the sex has nothing to do with it) and thrown around, and cowgirl just messes up my already-bad knees.

 

[wastedyouth19]

I feel like you have just made that "name" for yourself, you have a way about you that tells guys you just want to have sex rather than have a relationship whether it be friendship or something more. Perhaps you just need to get new people in your life? The people you're around want to use you instead of have a relationship with you. Meet new people, masturbate more in order to not think or have that need for sex. Once you stop having sex so often you will view it as something more, and less casual! To answer your second question: My boyfriend has never asked me to be on top, we've only had sex in that position once when we were both really high and drunk. He likes the spooning position more, because it's lazy sex and we have to do it on a couch anyway

 

[BeachBum4u]

Wow, you have really gotten into a bad routine, call it a "rut". You seem to be walking around in a daze and repeating the same thing over and over without really thinking about it. I don't think you're going to like what I'm going to say but... I'd suggest finding a good therapist and delving in some serious self-examination. And I know this doesn't go with the above but you might think about moving to a new place where no one knows who you are and attempt to start fresh, with the help of a therapist. Also, do not have sex with anyone you wouldn't seriously date and wait wait wait. Sex will just complicate your progress, at least until you make some real head-way.

Lastly, I'm guessing you're pretty young, so there's time to get this "right" but it's going to take a concerted effort to accomplish. Like I'm always told, anything worth having is worth working/fighting for and what's more important than your life. I do wish you the best and for the record, I'm not suggesting anything I haven't done myself, so YOU CAN DO IT!

 

[Pagey]

I don't think it's fair to yourself to consider your views on sex 'screwed up'. A lot of people have been down that road after getting out of a relationship, especially a bad one. After getting out of her first long-term relationship, my best friend would have sex about 3 times a week with random men. She always felt disgusting afterwards and described that same kind of 'raped' sensation you mentioned, and yet she always continued because she felt like that's where all her self-worth was coming from (which, at the time, might have been true). I don't know if it's the same for you but I'd speculate that that's usually the case when you can't stop yourself from having sex with lots of people even though you feel awful about it afterwards.
I've calmed down considerably now but after getting out of my own long-term relationship about a year ago I hooked up with men in clubs and whatnot fairly often and always felt disgusted with myself for days afterwards, unless I'd had some kind of feelings for the guy prior to sex. Like my friend, I know I was doing it because now that my boyfriend (abusive, like yours, incidentally) was gone, only other men could make me feel worthy. Huge mistake. Honestly the only thing that worked for me was forcing myself to stop and to take a good long look at myself and just learn to be alone, without needing sex. I just focused on myself for a while and feel so much happier about it now, and would never even consider havign sex with someone I don't at least really like, not because I can't, but because I just don't want to. It's fine to have lots of sex with randoms if you can clearly cut if off from any kind of emotion, but that doesn't seem to be the case for you so I would really advise you to try to take a break and be completely on your own for a while, until you've figured out why you have such a need for it. It's really just a matter of breaking a pattern. Don't blame yourself for it

 

[tomdpimp]

Maybe you should drop guys for a while? You been with women before, maybe you might have better time with a woman? It sounds like you want to be dominated but most of the guys you go for aren't commited to that. Try meeting people in different places. Avoid clubs unless there are any S/M clubs.

 

[pofacedhoe]

when you have sex with people you don't fancy out of the "need" (habit) for sex you have a bad feeling afterwards like you've let yourself be used/sold yourself short. because you have

the way out of it is to say no and be able to walk away from sex- its about respecting yourself which you are currently not doing

avoid sex for a while and get a dildo, then only sleep with hot dudes that you like and not straight away either.women get labelled quicker than men for promiscuity

 

[kytnism]

how long did you stay in the aforementioned toxic relationship?

and what is the duration of time between that and your current sexual lifestyle; since splitting with your ex?

...kytnism...