Mental Health Schizophrenia, Dissociation and dealing with multiple identities (DID)

[oxymoron310]

I have been struggling with Dissociative Identity Disorder for about a year now. My drug use (Mainly LSD, substituted amphetamines, and a variety of dissociatives) has exacerbated my problems and made my schizophrenia worse. I've had my schizophrenia under control for the last few years until about 7 months ago when I binged on Ketamine, PCP, and DXM. I am constantly hearing people calling my name from nowhere and I hear mostly inaudible whispering in my ears, it's a female voice and sometimes I make out words like "Run, stop, hide, get away, go away" etc. I also feel like someone is literally breathing down the back of my neck. I live in a group home in Cambridge Massachusetts, and I've told my parents, my 'advocate', all the staff, and my doctor in a "team meeting" and nothing is being done about my mental health! I suffer from Schizophrenia, PTSD, DID, and (of course) anxiety. I currently take Prolixin decanoate, an inject-able anti-psychotic at 50mcg once every other week and my doctor wants to lower it to 40mcg, which I'm not opposed to, but I need an additional anti-psychotic. I also take Gabapentin which I find really helpful at 600mg 3 times daily. I also take 5mg of Prazosin for PTSD and it helps a lot, I want it increased. I take 50mg of Vistaril as needed but I don't find it helpful for anything other than sleep. I've been trying to get hospitalized, because no one wants to help me but since I'm not going to lie and say I'm suicidal they wont help me and I wont hurt anyone else, but I have been cutting myself... I'll get to that in a minute.
My name is Cameron. I have 3 alternate identities that are triggered by different things and I have no therapist. There is only one person I'm comfortable talking to about me dissociating, a staff here at my group home/program, but I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable or scare her, and I just like her as a person and she's only a couple years older than I so I'd like to think we're friends. Anyway, I write down everything I do and the names of people I interact with, as well as things about them, because I black out and these alters take over and they each have their own set of memories. It's like after a series of traumatic events happened to me (first rape, then being assaulted multiple times, assaulting others, being threatened by gang members [I have friends in gangs, and I wanted to fit in, so I joined.]) my personality fractured into 4 people and each identity is a part of who I am or used to be. Fuck I need a therapist.
I have an alter named Simon.
Simon is triggered by loneliness, sadness, feelings of grief, depression, and the sight of blood.
He is a vampire goth and paints his nails black, listens to a lot of death metal and dark Gothic ambient music. Simon likes to play Vampire: the Masquerade, a table top game similar to Dungeons & Dragons, dresses in Tripp/bondage pants and paints his nails black. When Simon comes out I (Simon) often lock myself in my room and listen to Gothic ambiance and self mutilate. I wake up with cuts on my arms and really bad cuts and burns on my upper legs where no one can see them and I freak myself the fuck out. He also draws inverted crosses on my forehead with paint. Simon is also a lecher. Sex is always on his mind, he wrote some really disturbing things in my notebook.
I have an alter named Alistair.
Alistair comes out when I feel that, for whatever reason, people don't like me or I'm insecure.
Alistair is generally happy but is easily hurt by others and can't take criticism well and has been prone to outbursts, but to my knowledge hasn't ever "gone off" on someone". Alistair likes childish things like watching the cartoon Adventure Time, 90s Garfield cartoons, Calvin & Hobbes, playing video games, also likes playing Vampire: the Masquerade (I have a tattoo from the game, a gothic ankh on my left arm) and is really sociable. The thing that kills me, Cameron, is that I used to be sociable and friendly. Now I just hallucinate and live in constant fear of blacking out and becoming someone else. Alistair likes playing sports and is a nice, warm hearted guy that likes a deep conversation every once in awhile.
Last but not least, the scariest of them all... Troy.
Troy is totally psychotic. I think he must be a real psychopath. He sometimes comes out when people talk about politics and comes out when I see animal abuse or see people get hurt, and other disturbing images trigger him to come out. Troy likes Nazi related images such as swastikas and he dresses in steel toed boots, and a bomber jacket. He has no filter what-so-ever and apparently hurts animals and other people. I don't know if he's actually racist or what, but he wrote some pretty disturbing things last night on a pad of paper I found next to my bed, with racial slurs and neo-Nazi imagery. I've even woken up with my head shaved!
Sometimes I just want to die... I'm on the verge of tears trying to understand why I can't cope with reality and why I HAVE to become someone else every time I see blood, a swastika, someone in pain or being hurt, or when I feel alone or sad, or happy and overcome with joy and love,
What I want help with is understanding. Why do I dissociate? Why do other personalities take over for hours or days when triggered by such small things such as being around people playing basketball? If I'm flipping through the channels on TV and see a swastika I fear I'll turn into this psychopath, Troy. What does any of this have to do with PTSD and how is it related to my schizophrenia? Why do I derealize and dissociate?
I just don't understand!! I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!! I can't fucking cope anymore, sometimes I just want to end it all...

 

[herbavore]

This sounds incredibly exhausting and I can see why it would be terrifying to feel such a lack of control over what is most basic to us--our own identity. I think that you need a therapist and you should not have to feel afraid of confiding in the worker at your group home. You need help with this and help is out there. The more you try to hide what is going on the more you build a wall between yourself and any possible help. Not only that but the personalities that you do not want will gain strength rather than be diminished.

It sounds like your emotions are big and your sensitivity level is very high and that can be a very difficult way to live but ultimately very rewarding when you get a handle on it. Don't be scared to feel but do get lots of help on how to manage the fear and thoughts associated with the feelings. Again, I want to stress that there is help out there but you may have to be very proactive about looking for it and finding the right people to work with.Hang in there and take everything in baby steps without projecting into the future at all.

I'm going to move this over to the Mental Health sub-forum for you.

 

[pentouch]

this mainly happens as coping mechanism,your brain defends its self,or sets its self on mode,or personality,which is more likely to go trough experience better(social interaction,moral question,fast instinctive decisions) ,also freeing your oppressed emotions (sadness,joy,hate,rage,wishes) ...you have destructive personality, you feel in danger and confused,but theres a chance that comes a day when even troy will find peace
..im not a doc nor i have split personallities ,but in fact we all do in some way,we like to view our selves diffrent than that we are,
best wishes,get well,and dont use drugs mate
...ps what gang you were in?

 

[oxymoron310]

this mainly happens as coping mechanism,your brain defends its self,or sets its self on mode,or personality,which is more likely to go trough experience better(social interaction,moral question,fast instinctive decisions) ,also freeing your oppressed emotions (sadness,joy,hate,rage,wishes) ...you have destructive personality, you feel in danger and confused,but theres a chance that comes a day when even troy will find peace
..im not a doc nor i have split personallities ,but in fact we all do in some way,we like to view our selves diffrent than that we are,
best wishes,get well,and dont use drugs mate
...ps what gang you were in?

Yeah, I've come to learn it's a coping mechanism, but I don't *think* I'm repressing any feelings.
I was Aryan Brotherhood/Dirty white boys
I'm afraid if I try and get rid of my alters I'll get rid of a part of myself, a set of memories.

 

[pentouch]

Its a complicated fucking mechanism ,man. Drugs are part of your complications too,definetly. My guess would be that your brain became sick of all the shit you were doing and just shut it self in different sub-parts ,its a mechanism,but everything comes from the core,maybe you really hate your past,maybe your memories mixed with confused ancious drugged state of mind created this repression of feelings. Imagine how hard is it for your brain to work(you say you dont repress but all your triggers are negative feelings).
Im not a doctor remember that,all I can suggest for you is to make a plan and stick to it,time heals(its cliche I know,but if you have hope and dreams you can get there one day),but dont set your self a goal,to get rid of your alters,the more you try to press it orgive them attention,more they come,try to work with your core,try to reason with your self and other parts of you will change too,you are all swimming in one river. God helps for some at going long distances ,because its consistant feeling of reasoning,acceptance and helps your soul to rest.
Aryan Brotherhood,I see,the Troy character now makes sense. Dont be hard on your self,dont fear your personalities,dont fight them,be strong,man,theres no need in alteres when you deal with everything and take it all in,all these alters have their function,I know you know! I wish you all the best