Scared of breaking up...

[warpaint]

but i think i have to?

my boyfriend and i have been living together for a year, and today we were almost evicted for his weed smoking. i always tell him to be careful about it but he thinks weed is not a big deal. even after we got the notice he was immature about it. instead of saying oh i should have been more responsible especially after our first warning, he got mad and said fuck this place i dont wanna live in this buildng anymore

that was pretty much it for me... i dont want an eviction on my record

before today, for the past month or so, i've been coming to terms that perhaps our life goals/values dont align. i feel like he has issues that he wont address or admit to, and prefers to be high 24/7 and not focus on himself or furthering himself. and for me, ive been finding it a bit of a turn off... especially when i try to talk to him about my concern for his overall wellbeing

anyways im kinda done playing his therapist/mom, but the shitty thing is i still love him and that this is the first serious relationship i have been in. as im apt hunting, i think about the things i will miss when i break up with him (cuddling, sex, having someone to lean on at the end of the day..)

should i break up with him? or should we just live separately and take things a little slower?

 

[Maya]

I think that you should just live separately and take things slower hun see if there is a chance that he will change his habits. Don't rush things and just see how it goes and if nothing changes then you both have to move on.

 

[Animal Mother]

People who stay high absolutely do so as an escape from reality. Every last one. This person is at a stand still in their life, and until they become aware of their issues, will never progress, as they will choose to sabotage themselves.

You want a partner that you can use to further yourself. He's not the one, and you said it yourself, why are you asking us? you know what you have to do.

 

[YIAut2]

He is clearly indicating to you that he doesn't understand or respect one of the most important things you get as an individual in this life...and I say this from experience(offender)...your boundaries.

Maybe he never learned what they are or how they are used and respected correctly...but this week is as good as any to go back to school so to say.

If you haven't already...set down with him and tell him the habit and its effects on the relationship have now jumped a few levels. You are half of its sum...your vote carries the same weight as his childish notion that "he doesn't want to live..."...bleh. He sounds as if he will respond like most of us who were at his level did...by stiffening up and making it difficult. Don't let that effect whatever choice you make...only you get to set your own boundaries. Pick the line and disturb some sand as they say.

You are correct on the other issues you're tired of as well...IMO. Your his significant other...his partner...support him as best you can...but these are tools he should have already had in the box.

My point is rather singular...so as you can imagine...just apply it to all the conditions which do not meet your standards of basic behavior.

I hope it works out for you...and I never advocate quitting somebody first...but cover the basics...get your needs met...and go from there. He can change...the question is does he want to put it what sounds like it will be some work to do it.

Cheers

 

[pofacedhoe]

but i think i have to?

my boyfriend and i have been living together for a year, and today we were almost evicted for his weed smoking. i always tell him to be careful about it but he thinks weed is not a big deal. even after we got the notice he was immature about it. instead of saying oh i should have been more responsible especially after our first warning, he got mad and said fuck this place i dont wanna live in this buildng anymore

that was pretty much it for me... i dont want an eviction on my record

before today, for the past month or so, i've been coming to terms that perhaps our life goals/values dont align. i feel like he has issues that he wont address or admit to, and prefers to be high 24/7 and not focus on himself or furthering himself. and for me, ive been finding it a bit of a turn off... especially when i try to talk to him about my concern for his overall wellbeing

anyways im kinda done playing his therapist/mom, but the shitty thing is i still love him and that this is the first serious relationship i have been in. as im apt hunting, i think about the things i will miss when i break up with him (cuddling, sex, having someone to lean on at the end of the day..)

should i break up with him? or should we just live separately and take things a little slower?

he sounds immature and to be honest if you have different things that you want out of life then you might not be well suited.

i just had a split that unfortunately was for the best. yes it feels shit but it leaves you open to meet someone who will share your life goals and dreams. which is what a serious relationship should be about

 

[purplefirefly]

I would suggest slowing things down if you can. .You should move into your own place so you can have some personal peace of having a steady place to live without the worry of getting kicked out. You don't need that nonsense. Your boyfriend can deal with the stress of moving around because of his own actions and lack of responsibility. Maybe being on his own and being held exclusively responsible for his actions is the kick in the ass he needs, maybe it isn't, time will tell.

The things that you listed as reasons for staying in the relationship are generic. You didn't say "he makes me laugh like no one else can" or anything that is comparatively personal. It sounds like you are staying because you don't want to be alone. There are other fish in the sea, you can be in a fullfilling relationship that isn't one sided and selfish.

 

[Ksa]

but i think i have to?

my boyfriend and i have been living together for a year, and today we were almost evicted for his weed smoking. i always tell him to be careful about it but he thinks weed is not a big deal. even after we got the notice he was immature about it. instead of saying oh i should have been more responsible especially after our first warning, he got mad and said fuck this place i dont wanna live in this buildng anymore

Whoever reported his weed smoking are like raged dogs. A normal dog can bark at you and annoy you, but a raged dog, he attacks all that moves and can only be reasoned with with a shotgun. Changing building is good idea.

before today, for the past month or so, i've been coming to terms that perhaps our life goals/values dont align. i feel like he has issues that he wont address or admit to, and prefers to be high 24/7 and not focus on himself or furthering himself. and for me, ive been finding it a bit of a turn off... especially when i try to talk to him about my concern for his overall wellbeing

anyways im kinda done playing his therapist/mom, but the shitty thing is i still love him and that this is the first serious relationship i have been in. as im apt hunting, i think about the things i will miss when i break up with him (cuddling, sex, having someone to lean on at the end of the day..)

should i break up with him? or should we just live separately and take things a little slower?

You try to change him. The man smokes weed. I take codeine. I don't take codeine because I have unaddressed issues, I take codeine because I take codeine, because I can. Many people know me on this site, they know that if there's someone addressing his personal issues it's me. You are too mothering. Let the guy smoke. Grab a puff yourself from time to time...or two, you already get second hand, whatever he smokes you smoke half.

 

[llama112]

You try to change him. The man smokes weed. I take codeine. I don't take codeine because I have unaddressed issues, I take codeine because I take codeine, because I can. Many people know me on this site, they know that if there's someone addressing his personal issues it's me. You are too mothering. Let the guy smoke. Grab a puff yourself from time to time...or two, you already get second hand, whatever he smokes you smoke half.

There is a huge difference between someone who is high 24/7 and someone who is high occasionally. Nothing against recreational usage and being safe about it (as in, NOT getting caught) but 24/7 is too much.

OP, this guy doesn't seem right for you. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy. Of course you will still have feelings for him, those don't disappear overnight. But you know that he's not the right guy for you. I'm sure you can find someone else who has similar goals, etc. to you. Or at least who is going in the same direction.

 

[Lysis]

Stoners are just as bad as every other type of junkie. They just don't have the chance of OD, so they think they are superior. It's no different than any other type of drug. Do it responsibly and keep it moderated. If all you ever want to do is get stoned and that's what you do all day, it's no better than the cigarette or alcohol junkie who can't put the shit down to be productive. Any drug can be abused. Sounds like he just thinks because it's weed it's OK. Stoners are the worst, because they think they are superior. Kick him to the curb.

 

[Ksa]

There is a huge difference between someone who is high 24/7 and someone who is high occasionally. Nothing against recreational usage and being safe about it (as in, NOT getting caught) but 24/7 is too much.

OP, this guy doesn't seem right for you. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy. Of course you will still have feelings for him, those don't disappear overnight. But you know that he's not the right guy for you. I'm sure you can find someone else who has similar goals, etc. to you. Or at least who is going in the same direction.

I know. Feeling good is abomination. If you do it occasionally it's no issue, but not all the time...because it prevents you from being productive and holding Wall Street stocks up so the Rockerfellas drive Bentleys. I get the logic.

We all need to work very hard, Keep Wall Street in top shape and produce as many weapons as possible in case a hostile alien species comes to our planetand tries to put it up out butt.

Forgot about producing more American Standard Tm toilet seats.

 

[pofacedhoe]

Stoners are just as bad as every other type of junkie. They just don't have the chance of OD, so they think they are superior. It's no different than any other type of drug. Do it responsibly and keep it moderated. If all you ever want to do is get stoned and that's what you do all day, it's no better than the cigarette or alcohol junkie who can't put the shit down to be productive. Any drug can be abused. Sounds like he just thinks because it's weed it's OK. Stoners are the worst, because they think they are superior. Kick him to the curb.

haha

trudat

the worst part about stoners is its an easy drug to use in moderation and you dont have to be in everyones face with it.

i love weed but i can keep it under wraps and use in tiny amounts. when you are high all the time it drains you and takes away all umph.

everything in moderation

 

[Foreigner]

OP, you staying and coddling him is just enabling him to avoid life longer. Not only that, it's draining your energy which you could be investing in pretty much anything else you wanted. In his case, the only chance he really has is to face the emptiness of his own existence and do something about it, otherwise he will never discover his own power. Unfortunately he's still in that drug-induced la la avoidance land so that's not likely going to happen anytime soon.

I know it's hard to leave him because of those abandonment issues. It's prob how you ended up in this relationship in the first place, by feeling sorry for him and not wanting to ditch such a piteous soul. But that's just an emotional trap. Don't fall for it. Remember your power, and that you have a whole life ahead of you that most likely will not include him. There will come a time when he's just a distant memory and you're with someone better, or at least in a better life circumstance.

 

[Noodle]

I think you may be delaying the inevitable.

If you already feel that you both have different value systems and you think more about how much his behavior disturbs you, it is time to move on.

Maybe separating would be best. He may change his tune if you are firm about what you want and the choices you wish to make for yourself.

I agree that his behavior will not change unless his life situations changes.

 

[dopemaster]

It sounds like he doesn't want to stop partying which is actually understandable because not everyone wants the same thing.

Its pretty much impossible to change people. Maybe you should move out? It is kind of hard to expect him to change if there are no consequences.

I know that when I used to smoke I would have left a relationship if given an ultimatum. So I think you are pretty much stuck with someone who is gonna smoke weed for the time being. So if you still want to be with him go ahead and if you don't like it you can either slow things down or give him an ultimatum (those rarely work).